What Do I Say?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 6
What Do I Say?
A very good friend invited me out to dinner this weekend. There will be people having a drink or two I'm sure. I was leaning towards not going since I'm only on Day 11 and it's not a good idea to be around people drinking. I was going to back out, but then was told an ex-friend will probably be going. Now I really don't want to go. My life is not what it used to be. I've gained weight, career sucks right now, everything is essentially down in the dumps. I'm embarrassed of my life right now. My friend is allowed to invite whomever she wants to her birthday, but how do I say I'm not going to go. If I say I'm uncomfortable with the ex-friend going I seem petty. If I say I'm too new too sobriety and don't feel comfortable going out then my alcoholism will be put on the table if anyone asks where I am. I'm just now sure how to proceed. Any suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: Cali
Posts: 547
Hi Betty. I have been in this situation, it can feel so awkward. My suggestion is to send your regrets, really no explainantion is needed (and if pressed, tell them you have another obligation) and ask if you can take them out for a birthday dinner on another night. Don't get into the weeds on this, it doesn't have to be that complicated. Sending hugs and positive MOJO your way 🤗
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,157
Good work reaching out. I agree with free and kaptn, don't make it too complicated. Sorry I cannot make it but thanks so much for the invite.
You can always make a date with just the 2 of you at another time.
You can always make a date with just the 2 of you at another time.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
Yes, as Free and Kaptn said, just say Thanks, but I can't make it. You don't need to give an explanation and you don't need to explain your alcoholism to anyone that you don't choose to tell about it. Honestly, learning to say 'No' was the best thing I learned in early recovery. I think you'll find that making choices that are true to you is the way to go.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,942
Hi Betty, that’s a very heartfelt post. Nothing’s working out right now, is it? Well actually, you’re on day 11, so all is not doom and gloom just yet.
I’m going to say something quite bizarre, but I envy people like you. You’ve embarked on the most amazing journey ever. So many positives will come along now you’ve quit drinking - you have to stay quit, of course. And I could be totally wrong, but I’ve read between the lines, and maybe you feel less successful than the ex-friend? Use that as a catalyst to quit the booze for good and move on to a way better life. I put off meeting an ex-girlfriend for years as I didn’t want her to see the fat drunk I’d become. She became that catalyst for me to change. I don’t see her now now am I particularly interested in doing so, but she unknowingly gave me the nudge to change.
As for the event, don’t go, but spend the time doing something you want and think what things you can be doing now you’re free of alcohol.
I’m going to say something quite bizarre, but I envy people like you. You’ve embarked on the most amazing journey ever. So many positives will come along now you’ve quit drinking - you have to stay quit, of course. And I could be totally wrong, but I’ve read between the lines, and maybe you feel less successful than the ex-friend? Use that as a catalyst to quit the booze for good and move on to a way better life. I put off meeting an ex-girlfriend for years as I didn’t want her to see the fat drunk I’d become. She became that catalyst for me to change. I don’t see her now now am I particularly interested in doing so, but she unknowingly gave me the nudge to change.
As for the event, don’t go, but spend the time doing something you want and think what things you can be doing now you’re free of alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Location: Canada
Posts: 400
Another vote for what Kaptn and Fish said. I wouldn't sweat this too much Betty. When I was 11 days AF I would have done the same. I still would now at 3 months AF if I felt in any way unsure of myself. In my opinion sobriety is too important to not make this your number one priority.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
The advice from Free2bme was perfect. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to provide a reason that passes some kind of suitability test. Just thank them for the invitation, politely tell them you can't go, and that's it.
If your friend gets nosey, just repeat politely that you won't be able to make it this time. "I'll be flattered if you think of me next time, though."
Best of luck.
If your friend gets nosey, just repeat politely that you won't be able to make it this time. "I'll be flattered if you think of me next time, though."
Best of luck.
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
I skipped many drinking events early on including my own 40th bday party. I would just say, you have a prior engagement or something unexpectedly came up (it’s not a lie, your new sobriety is that something), make peace with your decision. The night of these events in early sobriety I felt annoyed and upset..maybe I was missing out. I knew deep down it would end in blackouts and I would imagine…what am I missing if I don’t remember anyways? The anxiety and stress of the day after…the sickness…was I rude, did I make a scene? I would pout and go to bed early. Maybe go out and get some ice cream. The reward is the sober morning. It makes it worth it. You also realize you did it, and can do it again. I realized that while the people there would have loved to see me, we are adults and they still had a great night and nobody dwelled or got weird upset - like I imagined they may - at my absence.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
i’m just going to throw something else out here, solely because you described her as “ a very good friend”.
in a very good friendship, i’d go for the truth with this friend. that way, i’d honour the friendship and take care of myself. and i’d stay home if i felt iffy and in danger of drinking.
in a very good friendship, i’d go for the truth with this friend. that way, i’d honour the friendship and take care of myself. and i’d stay home if i felt iffy and in danger of drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
I agree with others that no excuse is needed, just let her know you are sorry you are unable to make it but would love to take her out to a birthday lunch/dinner another day. I skipped many events in the beginning. Even now, I am very particular with how I spend my free time, and no longer feel guilty saying no to invites.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 6
Thank you so much for all the input. I messaged her I can't make it, but to let me know when she has time for a birthday dinner on me. Not going is the right decision. Once again, thank you SR members for your help.
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