First social meeting / challenge after 2 years
 

I must go to a company sponsored work team event this Friday to Dave & Busters with a full on drinks menu on the cards.

Wonder how I am going to manage after 129 days of sobriety, as of today. Any guidance/ thoughts welcome.

Some ideas I am thinking are

1. Go a bit late to the 4 hour event and quickly slip out
2. Get a Non alcoholic beer and grab some stacks, chit chat for a while and exit
3. Other options are not attractive since they are coming from an AV that's started to activate ever since the invite came today. 😒

Print out a copy of your post and put it in your shirt pocket where it will be close to your heart and stay in your mind.

Have an exit strategy in place and use it if needed. If any thing is to be said before leaving..."I just had a personal situation come up that I need to take care of so I have to be going" works just fine and is totally honest. Otherwise, just leave.

I know that for me, non-alcoholic beer was not a good solution, especially in a environment such as this one. Might work for you, I can't say, I just know it wouldn't end well for me. It would be like striking a match while standing next to gas burner in the open position.

Remember that you are in charge of your life, no one else is, their opinion's are secondary.

Be careful. Be strong. You can do this. If you have any doubts, don't go. "I didn't feel well, so I thought it was better to stay home." Works fine and is totally honest.

So my take on this is do you really have to go? If the invite only came today it's not really giving you much time and quite reasonable you could have something already planned:

Is it obligatory to go to drinking events? I know may companies now are clamping down on drinking events.

calling in sick and just not going is better than putting your sobriety at risk or all this anxiety and stress

How firm is the ‘must’ go?

I found a lot of things were not as imperative for me to attend once I stopped drinking.

If you ‘must’ go, have an escape plan.

Have a drink with you at all times. Like Nez said NA beer or wine would be problematic for me - trying to pass as a drinker can set you up for an apologetic, almost embarrassed mindset about your non drinking, and can lead to some bad split second decisions, I think.

Always remember - its the first drink that starts the madness. There is no safe drinking level for people like you and me.

You’ve done amazingly well. Don’t let all that good work be undone CS:)

D

Could you say you have a prior engagement that you can't get out of ? say you're not feeling well, the thing is that ive learnt along the way if you're concerned now, imagine if you're there, best of luck

Do Not Drink No Matter What
and you will be fine.

Is it 2 years sobriety or 129 days? 629 days? I have been sober for well over 2 years and a half and the cravings are really different now. From the start I have not avoided alcohol or social situations because my drinking was mostly done in secret and being in non-social situations was much worse.
The bottom line is this: if you feel you are not ready, be curious about yourself. Investigate why? Why is this craving coming from an invitation? Alcohol is everywhere and you have made the commitment not to drink for a long time. Why would this be different?

I believe you train the muscle of sobriety with every ocassion you expose yourself to your own cravings, but also that nothing is worth a relapse. If you know thisis dangerous, avoid it. I drink alcohol free beer from time to time, but never as 'replacement', normally after a very long run. But I used to do this when I was younger too. I would not plan a replacement for the drink either that would imply 'prentending' that I am drinking. Is this the reason you are in a danger zone? Are you ashamed of your sobriety in this kind of event? Do you worry about what the others think?

Obviously I am not raising these questions for you to answer them here (unless it helps you) but in case they help you work out whether you must go to this, and if so, what is the danger, where is it coming from and how to address it.

Good luck

I agree with Dee and RAL.

it’s just a job and it’s not even taking place during work time. You’re more important and so is your sobriety. Make an excuse. Don’t go. Not sure what Star Wars character said this, but “I have a bad feeling about this”. I’d have relapsed 100% at such an event.

I agree that drinking events (even if company sponsored) are almost never mandatory.

If this is a new job, all the more reason to firmly set the boundary around your non-drinking Now. If you drink once around new people it will be doubly difficult to not drink the next time.

If you have to go or get fired, then I think what nez said above is spot on. Have several things ready to say if you feel overly-tempted or unable to stay centered. Be ready to leave. The sentences that nez said above are awesome. One thing I've not yet done is lie about my non-drinking. Sometimes I'll just flat out say, "I've already had my fair share," sometimes I'm more discreet but I never lie about it.

No one has any right to have any say over what I put in my body. Period.

There's lots of good advice here, Calmself.

Thank you, all. I read through each of your comments multiple times to get into my head. I agree it is a big risk and I will think through if I can call sick. If not, I will have an exit plan as Nez & Dee indicated.

@Bimini, This is not a new job. Everyone knows there I drink and stay until the end. I just have to be ready with something to say this time like "I am on Antibiotics". I won't say I had my fair share since that will make them doubt if I am having problems with alcohol.

BackandScared, Great questions. Not sure if I am ready. What will happen when all my friends grab a bottle of beer? I am not sure but I will not drink.

In my experience as a non-drinker in a drinking situation, I have found that I end up being more concerned about it than everyone else is. The situation that I was most uncomfortable with was going to an open bar wedding reception where a fellow guest (who we ended up sitting at the same table with) was a guy I used to drink heavily with. He didn't even ask why I was drinking soda instead of pounding whiskey.

If anyone does ask or says anything, all it takes is "I'm just not drinking tonight". 100% true, no excuses or fibs needed. You don't owe anybody anything. If they pry beyond that, end the conversation.

SC

Here's the problem with lies: "I'm on antibiotics."

"Really? What are the antibiotics for?"

...a month goes by. There's another drinking opportunity...can't really use antibiotics as an excuse forever and You will know you're lying. That's not a good feeling.


Why not just say something honest that doesn't go into too much detail. "I feel a lot better when I don't drink," or, "I'm trying to improve my health, or, "I'm driving," or, "I don't want a drink tonight," or, "I have things to do after this, and don't want to have been drinking."

There are lots of honest replies that won't dig you into a hole.

I bet they already know you have a problem with alcohol. I wouldn't use that as any kind of a fear (excuse.) They don't live in your body.

I also agree with the observation that no one really cares and, "What people think of me is none of my business."

You have already outlined an exit strategy. Make sure you use your own transportation so you can get out on your terms. I someone asks if you want a drink, "Say, No thanks. I've had enough," and that won't be a lie, because you realized that when you had your last drink.

For me, having an exit strategy, and having set my mind to barrel out without apology the moment things got tempting was a confidence builder. In addition, at that first event, I never even had an urge to drink. I looked at everyone else, and was just grateful that I wasn't one of them.

Days wise, you are about right where I was when I had to face this for the first time. You can do it, and when you come through just fine without feeling you were walking the edge. Your confidence and opinion of yourself will take a major leap up the ladder, and your sobriety will be more solid than ever.

Thanks, Bimini / DriGuy. Will probably say something like "No thanks. I am not drinking tonight" if needed.

DriGuy, Thanks. Ok then. I will drive my own car (only 3 miles from my place). Thanks much for the advice, agree my confidence will boost manifold if I come back without touching the poison.

Thanks, dear Hodd. I have to face this sooner or later. And the event is during work time (Friday 1 PM - 5 PM)! Guess it's time to push the envelope and see what happens.

Do people at work know that you've stopped drinking? If so and you feel uncomfortable going / the AV is kicking in, can you not tell them that you don't wish to go? I worked in a job once where people were put under pressure to go to work outings and drink. There was a culture of heavy drinking and in the end I found a job elsewhere to get away from it. I'm not suggesting you get another job but you need to find a way of coping with situations such as this. Many work places these days don't encourage staff to drink. It sounds like your employer needs to change how it approaches these sort of work get togethers.

Robbie, No, they do not. Since my team mates and folks in my org are coming, I cannot tell them I won't be able to make it. I accepted the invite and the reservations have been made, it will be a bad show. And with respect to drinking culture, this is super common in consulting. Maybe not so much in Tech.

Honestly I dont think testing ourselves or feeling that we have to try this out is a good idea or necessary.

It's hard enough without testing ourselves. I've been there. Even if j got through I got home and drank

Sobriety is too precious to just try these things out early on in sobriety. We've got a lifetime of trying stuff out. Just my opinion cs 👍

Do you drive to work or can you do so on Friday? I’m fairly easy going and passive, but this is a serious one. Take the day off, call in sick or go home at 1pm. What’s the worst that can happen? Well, you know the answer to that one

I go swimming on a Friday evening with club mates. People do all sorts of activities on a Friday evening. Why is this company encouraging heavy drinking in the middle of the day? I’m sure a lot of people have family stuff to do, weekend getaways, etc. I’m 100% sure you wouldn’t be the only person making excuses and getting out of this awful event.

Also, you mention that you haven’t told colleagues you don’t drink. Now would be a great time to do so. Believe me, some of them will be envious.