Breaking the cycle
 

Hi everyone,

I’ve seen a few posts recently which resonate with something I’ve been thinking about, so hopefully I have something to add here.


As I said in previous posts, at some point in my recovery I realised I wasn’t happy with who I was.

I remember finding this particularly strange, because the feeling wasn’t there when I was drinking. I mean, of course I knew something was very wrong, but there was some kind of drinking related numbness, that stopped me from seeing what was really happening with real me.



This created a vicious cycle:

• I knew something was wrong, but couldn’t see what was really happening because of numbness.
• I then blamed it on alcohol and decided to quit (a logical decision).
• As I built sober days/weeks, the numbness would start to disappear, and I’d feel uncomfortable with the Mr P I was finding.
• This made me think things were somewhat easier when I was drinking.
• Allowing for that thought led to relapse.
• Relapse led to the cycle starting again.

What is really weird about all this is that the logic kept flipping in an endless cycle: first, drinking is bad for me, so I must quit; then, things feel worse after quitting, so I need to drink again.



So here is the important point. To be able to work on the changes I needed for real me,I had to THINK DIFFERENT. This is the only way to break the cycle, alcohol can’t be a possibility, ever.

I’d be lying if I said that I have this 100% under control this time round, but I’m happy to feel this way, because last time, even if it lasted almost 2 years, I thought I had nailed it and ended up failing. So this is my thinking different this time round.



So if you are stuck in the cycle this is what I recommend. Think out of the box, think something you wouldn’t usually, the addiction knows your predictable next steps, so be unpredictable.



My best wishes to everyone

Great post thank you

Good stuff!

I will add my experience.
I too found I did not like the "real" fish . So I fought and fought to become the guy I think I should be with not much improvement to be honest.

Well after A LOT of struggle, self reflection, thinking and taking cues from others I found out I AM that guy. I can't believe I couldn't see it.
Years, decades, of chemical poisoning and self doubt blinded me to who I REALLY was. Even newly sober I didn't see him.
I only saw the things I did not like about him.

I speak for myself but I can't be alone in this. Maybe we just can't see the real us. Even sober sometimes.
Sometimes we need to just lower our expectations. I thought I had to do everything perfect. Be in superb physical condition. Mentally sharp at all times. Etc. I should be without flaws. After all I am no longer a drunk so what is the problem?
Well that just is not possible.

I am in good shape for 52yo. Most times I can form a coherent sentence. Sometimes I even do something right the 1st time. I try to give my best. I am not drunk.

Do I really not like being that guy?
WTH was I thinking?

If you don't like who you are and you are sober look deeper. Chances are it is just that old drunken self doubt blinding you.

That is the unpredictable part. Honest, deep self reflection. Us drunks don't usually go there

Good post MrPL.

Great post, Fish. That was my experience as well. I beat myself up so much I couldn't see it.. but others could.

And thanks to Mr Pl for the great thread starter, things usually did feel worse after awhile. It takes time to become comfortable in our own skin.

This really resonates with me. Thanks for posting !

Hi PL, I think you’re doing great, but we’re all correct to be wary and not complacent if we quit a day or 30 years ago. I like your style of doing things differently. Isn’t your current lifestyle way better than before and too good to jeopardise?

Thanks Hood.

That’s an interesting question. Last time round I made massive changes to my lifestyle and got it to where it needed to be. I thought that would be enough for sobriety but it wasn’t. I don’t want to change the lifestyle again, so my only choice is to think different.

It’s working well so far, feels different than last time for sure!

That’s a scary prospect, Mr P. Are we trying to be something we’re not? No one’s going to be 100% satisfied with the person they are. We’re all a work in progress. Shouldn’t we accept who we are and be happy with that?

All a bit philosophical and surreal, but I just want to understand this.

Thank you for this insightful post.

Totally agree. I guess what I’m saying is if we are 80% there, we should accept the 80%, and keep looking for the other 20%.

But, and this is very important, I don’t think we should accept things that are not right for us just because acceptance is easier than change. If I had decided to accept things as they were back in 2016 life would have been dull, but nothing wrong with accepting life as it is now, even if it s not perfect as you rightly point out. Like, 80/20 is ok to accept for me, but not 20/80 :)

Another way to look at it: I think the way we feel is a product of our environment, our decisions and our mindset.

When I say I didn’t like who I was is because I was almost 100% controlled by the environment, so not truly me per se.

I think it’s best if decisions and mindset run the show.

I clearly remember that flip flopping while I was drinking. I was saying I didn't want to drink (so much) followed by drinking into oblivion. I remember early recovery as mostly relief that I had decided to never drink again, and most of all, knowing I wouldn't.

As far as being 100% of the person we think we should be, the fact is that we are a combination of good qualities and some qualities, maybe even many, that are below our standards. I never bought into a searching and fearless moral inventory, but I am a committed advocate of a searching and fearless INVENTORY without dwelling on morality and personal failure all the time. I don't know about the rest of us, but as a practicing alcoholic, my whole life revolved around my awareness of my failures. I saw myself as a pathetic drunk, and I assumed many others were at a minimum, aware of my lack of self control when it came to alcohol.

Recovery for me was more about finding my strengths and improving on them, and one of the first strengths I found was my ability to commit to life long abstinence. I didn't need to analyze the depths of my failure as an addict or a human being to do that. Good God, that was the continual headline of my daily life as a drunk. It required no fearless searching inventory. It was the epitome of "well duh!!??" And knowing that became the foundation for actual change. I was the only one who could make that happen, and embracing actual change was the only way to do that. As a drunk, I wallowed daily in my failure. And the wallowing itself was a failure.

DriGuy, this was precisely what I needed to read this am. Thank you. I strongly identify with the “relief” of abstinence as the only option, and it is very helpful for me to think of that as one of my strengths!

I’m good with admitting my powerlessness in this arena! One drink/tablet = bad idea was an equation that I tried to change MANY times without success. Accepting the truth of the equation has brought peace back into my mind.

I couldn’t stop ALONE, but I could (can) stop. As my head clears, I think it will be useful to focus on what I’d like to start next!

Thanks again!
-TC

Great post MrPL. As I dry out, I find myself dealing with fairly fundamental, weighty questions of identity and it's become necessary to reframe my thinking on the subject.

Drunk me was definitely not the 'real' me, but as I remove alcohol from the mix, do I suddenly revert to a truer version of myself that alcohol merely suppressed?

The more sober time I accumulate, the more I realize there never was such a thing as a 'real' me that I can easily step back into. Determining who/what I am as a sober person is where recovery becomes very real and very challenging.

Who I am at any given moment is a much more fluid and dynamic thing than I used to think. At any given point in time I am a mix of many things - some good, some bad, most somewhere in the middle - with some parts of me that cannot be changed, but other things -- especially in regards to how I respond to events in my life -- that are under my control.

Over the last couple of decades, alcohol has built up a distorted personality in myself. As alcohol is removed, the 'fake' alcohol-flavored personality/identity collapses and I am left standing in a pile of mental debris. Who I am now that I'm sober? The answer isn't immediately obvious, and not knowing is an uncomfortable feeling as you said.

The trick, then, is realizing until I build back a healthier personality/identity to replace the alcohol-flavored one that collapsed, things are going to be uncomfortable.

I can drink to numb the discomfort, but that only keeps me stuck in a cycle that never goes anywhere. OR I can realize that I am a work in progress and, though things are a bit uncomfortable now, I can keep working on myself and build up a personality/identity that is more emotionally mature, more adaptable, more content.

I will never be perfect - far from it - but if I'm patient, I can become someone I will be happy living with.

Nice reply adair! I totally get this, I think the drinking years also stopped me from becoming who I’m meant to, which is why it was difficult to understand it when I stopped.

I don’t think perfection is the aim, I don’t even know what it means, for me it’s all about the reality of my experiences. Doing things that truly mean something, being around people that mean something, it get s very philosophical but in summary I think this meaning is impossible to define in words, but also impossible to not recognise once found.

So life for me now is this endless search for more meaning. It ll never be 100%, but they makes the journey itself meaningful :)