Self love
 

I started binge drinking in my mid-30s. I think during that time I stopped loving myself. Something happened to me (which is not important) but I know that before the age of 35 I never had an issue with alcohol and I hardly drink. Something happened to me during that year and I didn’t like myself any longer.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be 53. And although I don’t drink frequently, the binge drinking has gotten worse over the years. Once or sometimes twice a month I will end up drinking alone at home and wind up with a bunch of popcorn on my lap passed out on the sofa. That visual must sound like somebody who does not love themselves. I got a wonderful suggestion the other day (from Free2) about looking in the mirror and saying “I love you” 10 times. I decided to try it. It felt incredibly strange. I felt so uncomfortable doing it. I tried to look myself in the eye and it was very hard. But I do think there’s a lot of sense in making this a daily exercise. Because if you love yourself and you can sooth yourself you can get through this difficult addiction. I don’t know what has changed to make me really want to commit this time. Because I couldn’t be farther from who I normally am. I can’t exercise I’m housebound due to Covid and I’m not feeling particularly proud of myself. But maybe this is my new bottom. As always thank you all for your support. I will try to come here more often instead of just coming here when things get bad.

I remember someone telling me the good thing about hitting bottom is you can always start the climb back up :)
Every one of us is worthy of the love and self care we give without thinking to others :)

you can do this PL.

Peke, I'm so sorry you are feeling that way, but at least you have identified the feelings.

I believe in you and that you can get that self love back, and stop drinking as part of the process.

You're a strong, capable, intelligent and sensitive person. A lot of reasons to love and care for yourself!

Have you ever talked to a therapist about what happened to you at that time?

Wishing you healing and contentment, and a very Happy Birthday!

A very Happy Birthday !

Sometimes , as advbike suggests, it is good to talk to a therapist about something you are having trouble moving on from - talking it our helps. Rock bottom feels pretty bad, ( I have been there) but the only way now is up.....

Lack of self-love was definitely the root cause of my alcoholism. Alcoholism, or any addiction, is not going to happen if you love yourself and believe in your self-worth. My self-talk was quite awful and I said things to myself that I would never have said to anyone else. It sounds like you're on the right track.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow! :bday

(((Peke))) You matter. I don't even know you and you matter to me! Your story is already helping me stay sober. I am sorry for what happened to you, make no mistake, it IS important. Regardless of fault, regardless of how long ago, it is still affecting you. Holding onto that will keep you sick. One of the hardest things I had to do to get and stay sober was to forgive myself, the second hardest thing was to forgive others for what they did to me. It absolutely did not make anything they or I did right, but it allowed me to let it go. It was the only way I could get peace of mind and start to heal. Self-love came after my soul was free from the burdens of regret and resentment. Also, you come here when you want, this is a safe place with no room for guilt. If you feel you need to be here more often simply because you feel bad for leaning on us for support, you will find that it might get resentful to be here and that is not good.

Cathy

Advbike, Anna, Dee, Surley and Dusty:

Thank you so much for your replies.
Advbike…
I did see a therapist regarding the issue that I had when I was 35. She was great. She said that I had to accept what was happening to me. I didn’t do a good job of that. I started telling her that I was okay. And then drinking once a month in excess. It might be a good idea to get back into therapy. For sure it couldn’t hurt.

But I think the goal of loving myself is something that I need to work on. No matter how many miles I run, or how many friends I have, I still feel empty. And like a fraud. So I need to love myself.
Thanks friends.

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." Made me think of that song .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYzlVDlE72w

I grew up with a very specific idea of the behavior that was required of me if I wanted to be worthy of love. I could guarantee my parents’ (and, in my mind, God’s) approval if I behaved perfectly.

I told myself: Put your head down, give-give-give, work hard, don’t complain, and ask for nothing in return. I thought that if I could do those things, I could be loved. If I couldn’t do them, I didn’t deserve love.

But it’s not true!!! God’s love is too big for those limitations. He loves you for you! You are cherished and precious and worthy of love. Tell yourself this truth, and one day it will become your truth.

Much love to you today. Happy Birthday!

-TC

Happy birthday Peke. 🌺

Many years ago, in rehab, there was similar practice. We had to look in the mirror each day and say to our ourselves, "I am a worthwhile person". I still find it difficult, though the longer I remain sober the more I tend to agree, and the easier it becomes.

I agree with Anna, in that alcoholism, addiction, does not happen if we love ourselves, and believe in our own self worth.

We can do that now Peke. "All together now......". :)

Hi Peke,

I’ve been there, trust me. It happened when I was on my early 30’s too, and it was scary.

The way I see it now it was a blessing. Recognising you don’t love who you are means you’re not just living on auto-pilot and going with the flow, but that you are bothered by where life got you to.

The big question is how can you be the version of yourself you love? By asking that question and not being afraid of the answer I completely changed my life, you can do the same!

Happy Birthday Peke! 🎂
You are clearly a very accomplished person. But I agree, sometimes loving and accepting ourselves isn't easy. Gift yourself a healthy portion of self love and acceptance today, and hereafter! Have a lovely day!