There is no hope for a boy like me
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,786
There is no hope for a boy like me
My mental state will continue to deteriorate. But I don't know if I am crazy or if there's a huge conspiracy against me. When I was in the dole queue yesterday, it seemed like everything everyone was saying related to me. Maybe its self involvement, or maybe I'm being gangstalked.
There's seven white paint marks on my dumb Bell. In the form of half a clock like in Countdown. Counting down to my torture and murder? Someone came into my house and painted that.
I'm starting to think my parents and my friend Joe are in on the conspiracy. I know the local shop and the mental health centre and the police are in on it. I can't trust anyone.
It should be no surprise I'm being gangstalked and will be tortured and murdered. I'm a bad person with an ugly heart.
I wish they'd just do it. They've been threatening to do it since I first became "psychotic" at 21.
So I'm drinking, because why get sober when everyone hates you and wants you dead? I can trust alcohol, she's always been there for me.
There's seven white paint marks on my dumb Bell. In the form of half a clock like in Countdown. Counting down to my torture and murder? Someone came into my house and painted that.
I'm starting to think my parents and my friend Joe are in on the conspiracy. I know the local shop and the mental health centre and the police are in on it. I can't trust anyone.
It should be no surprise I'm being gangstalked and will be tortured and murdered. I'm a bad person with an ugly heart.
I wish they'd just do it. They've been threatening to do it since I first became "psychotic" at 21.
So I'm drinking, because why get sober when everyone hates you and wants you dead? I can trust alcohol, she's always been there for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,601
Alcohol makes mental illness so much worse FF whether mild anxiety and depression, to more serious conditions like you have. I'm no doctor but know nothing will ever get better unless and until you put the bottle down.
i know you're on the list for rehab but that is still a few weeks away and you need to get help now. Please tell your parents, your GP, go to A&E, anything. We are all worried about you.
There is hope and help for everyone, no matter how far down the drinking rabbit hole we are. We just have to want to climb out of it enough and reach out for help.
i know you're on the list for rehab but that is still a few weeks away and you need to get help now. Please tell your parents, your GP, go to A&E, anything. We are all worried about you.
There is hope and help for everyone, no matter how far down the drinking rabbit hole we are. We just have to want to climb out of it enough and reach out for help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,786
Originally Posted by RAL 
Alcohol makes mental illness so much worse FF whether mild anxiety and depression, to more serious conditions like you have. I'm no doctor but know nothing will ever get better unless and until you put the bottle down.
i know you're on the list for rehab but that is still a few weeks away and you need to get help now. Please tell your parents, your GP, go to A&E, anything. We are all worried about you.
There is hope and help for everyone, no matter how far down the drinking rabbit hole we are. We just have to want to climb out of it enough and reach out for help.
i know you're on the list for rehab but that is still a few weeks away and you need to get help now. Please tell your parents, your GP, go to A&E, anything. We are all worried about you.
There is hope and help for everyone, no matter how far down the drinking rabbit hole we are. We just have to want to climb out of it enough and reach out for help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,584
No -one is trying to hurt, harm, or murder you Freedom. It's the illness speaking.
Your parents, and everyone here want the best for you Freedom. Remember when your dear old Da turned up to support you at court? You've gotten it muddled, and I think you need to stop drinking NOW. And I think you need to speak with your case manager, discuss the way you feel, NOW. I'm getting firm with you Freedom.
You've got rehab to look forward to Freedom, and even though it might be anxiety provoking, it could also be the start of a brand new day. I think you'll really enjoy and benefit from it. I know I did, and I was scared shiteless to begin.
Alcohol is your enemy Freedom, not family, and not friends here. We care.
Your parents, and everyone here want the best for you Freedom. Remember when your dear old Da turned up to support you at court? You've gotten it muddled, and I think you need to stop drinking NOW. And I think you need to speak with your case manager, discuss the way you feel, NOW. I'm getting firm with you Freedom.
You've got rehab to look forward to Freedom, and even though it might be anxiety provoking, it could also be the start of a brand new day. I think you'll really enjoy and benefit from it. I know I did, and I was scared shiteless to begin.
Alcohol is your enemy Freedom, not family, and not friends here. We care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,786
Originally Posted by Steely
No -one is trying to hurt, harm, or murder you Freedom. It's the illness speaking.
Your parents, and everyone here want the best for you Freedom. Remember when your dear old Da turned up to support you at court? You've gotten it muddled, and I think you need to stop drinking NOW. And I think you need to speak with your case manager, discuss the way you feel, NOW. I'm getting firm with you Freedom.
You've got rehab to look forward to Freedom, and even though it might be anxiety provoking, it could also be the start of a brand new day. I think you'll really enjoy and benefit from it. I know I did, and I was scared shiteless to begin.
Alcohol is your enemy Freedom, not family, and not friends here. We care.
Your parents, and everyone here want the best for you Freedom. Remember when your dear old Da turned up to support you at court? You've gotten it muddled, and I think you need to stop drinking NOW. And I think you need to speak with your case manager, discuss the way you feel, NOW. I'm getting firm with you Freedom.
You've got rehab to look forward to Freedom, and even though it might be anxiety provoking, it could also be the start of a brand new day. I think you'll really enjoy and benefit from it. I know I did, and I was scared shiteless to begin.
Alcohol is your enemy Freedom, not family, and not friends here. We care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,584
Have you told your doctor that Freedom?
I reckon the alcohol, whether constant or intermittent, would definitely contribute to the paranoia.
I used to get paranoid when when I was drinking because I felt so crap about myself, hated myself so much thought everyone else hated me too.
I reckon the alcohol, whether constant or intermittent, would definitely contribute to the paranoia.
I used to get paranoid when when I was drinking because I felt so crap about myself, hated myself so much thought everyone else hated me too.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
There’s a treatment out there - or maybe several different treatments- for every thing that ails you FF.
When I was newly sober I realised I loved everyone else…I went to great lengths to support and love my friends and family…but I never gave that love and self care to myself.
I was worthy of that kind of love, that protection and that level of care…and so are you.
I’ve said this before on many threads but alcohol is a vote for the status quo. Nothing gets better with drinking the way we do…things only get worse.
Embrace another path.
You recognise the possibility that these feelings are not real. That’s a good thing.
Tell your folks about your paranoia. Tell your doctors. Tell everyone who can help and bring you change - good healthy life affirming change.
You’re worth the effort
D
When I was newly sober I realised I loved everyone else…I went to great lengths to support and love my friends and family…but I never gave that love and self care to myself.
I was worthy of that kind of love, that protection and that level of care…and so are you.
I’ve said this before on many threads but alcohol is a vote for the status quo. Nothing gets better with drinking the way we do…things only get worse.
Embrace another path.
You recognise the possibility that these feelings are not real. That’s a good thing.
Tell your folks about your paranoia. Tell your doctors. Tell everyone who can help and bring you change - good healthy life affirming change.
You’re worth the effort
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I'm really glad you are posting FF. You are amazing about posting no matter what manner of hell you find yourself in and I think it could save your life. Keep coming to SR and where ever else in the real world or online you can get some support.
You remind me so much of myself during my drinking years. I was the drinking equivalent of an F5 tornado (you are too) and I tried so many things so many times to get better. My mental health would get better then worse, sometimes way worse. My organs were screaming in pain and exhibiting rather, um, unpleasant symptoms. My toenails and teeth were rotting and falling out and I would tackle those things as I could. I terrorized everyone in my life to the point that many of them fled me forever. But a few remained and still loved me but I had forced them to keep me at a healthy arms length. I tried best I could to take care of those relationships, but I just couldn't do much.
None of that got better and I wasn't able to begin to heal up from any of it until I quit drinking for good. 2 years in I'm still healing, but not a single thing on that list above occupies a daily place in my life. And the only reason for that is that I live a sober healthy life now.
Please stay with us FF.
You remind me so much of myself during my drinking years. I was the drinking equivalent of an F5 tornado (you are too) and I tried so many things so many times to get better. My mental health would get better then worse, sometimes way worse. My organs were screaming in pain and exhibiting rather, um, unpleasant symptoms. My toenails and teeth were rotting and falling out and I would tackle those things as I could. I terrorized everyone in my life to the point that many of them fled me forever. But a few remained and still loved me but I had forced them to keep me at a healthy arms length. I tried best I could to take care of those relationships, but I just couldn't do much.
None of that got better and I wasn't able to begin to heal up from any of it until I quit drinking for good. 2 years in I'm still healing, but not a single thing on that list above occupies a daily place in my life. And the only reason for that is that I live a sober healthy life now.
Please stay with us FF.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,994
FF, what you are going through sounds like torture. Surely your mental health team is accessible?
I would urge you to see your Psychiatrist and team. I would have thought you would have a community support nurse or social worker at times of particular distress, to help you? There is hope beyond alcohol. Don't give up.
I would urge you to see your Psychiatrist and team. I would have thought you would have a community support nurse or social worker at times of particular distress, to help you? There is hope beyond alcohol. Don't give up.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
FF, I also have had delusions of being gang-stalked. Of course, only when under the influence of alcohol/drugs or detoxing from such but paranoid thoughts can seem so real in that condition. I have to reason with myself to come back to reality. Gangstalking involves an immense amount of planning, logistics, and resources. Human capital as well as financial capital. Who benefits from gangstalking? The victim certainly doesn't benefit. Making a struggling alcoholic feel paranoid and anxious thus sabotaging any attempt at sobriety is just evil. The gang stalkers obviously don't benefit. It's such a collosal waste of everyone's time and money just to harass one alcoholic.
Just try to use logic if you have paranoid thoughts and remember that alcohol distorts reality.
Just try to use logic if you have paranoid thoughts and remember that alcohol distorts reality.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
Originally Posted by freedomfries
My mental state will continue to deteriorate. But I don't know if I am crazy or if there's a huge conspiracy against me. When I was in the dole queue yesterday, it seemed like everything everyone was saying related to me. Maybe its self involvement, or maybe I'm being gangstalked.
There's seven white paint marks on my dumb Bell. In the form of half a clock like in Countdown. Counting down to my torture and murder? Someone came into my house and painted that.
I'm starting to think my parents and my friend Joe are in on the conspiracy. I know the local shop and the mental health centre and the police are in on it. I can't trust anyone.
It should be no surprise I'm being gangstalked and will be tortured and murdered. I'm a bad person with an ugly heart.
I wish they'd just do it. They've been threatening to do it since I first became "psychotic" at 21.
So I'm drinking, because why get sober when everyone hates you and wants you dead? I can trust alcohol, she's always been there for me.
There's seven white paint marks on my dumb Bell. In the form of half a clock like in Countdown. Counting down to my torture and murder? Someone came into my house and painted that.
I'm starting to think my parents and my friend Joe are in on the conspiracy. I know the local shop and the mental health centre and the police are in on it. I can't trust anyone.
It should be no surprise I'm being gangstalked and will be tortured and murdered. I'm a bad person with an ugly heart.
I wish they'd just do it. They've been threatening to do it since I first became "psychotic" at 21.
So I'm drinking, because why get sober when everyone hates you and wants you dead? I can trust alcohol, she's always been there for me.
Call your mental health team. If you don't have one, call your local crisis team. Google it, for example: Wandsworth Crisis Team (replace Wandsworth with your area). Call them right away and explain to them how you are feeling. I've been in a few dark places and had to reach out to the crisis team. I now have a mental health team who are not really involved with me these days, but if I ever need help I can call them.
You are here, on SR, and that means so much because it shows that you do want to address your alcohol addiction. Stick around, and continue to post!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Hi FF,
I get it, I really do. Not so long ago the spies were coming to torture me to death too. I drank to quieten these thoughts and in the long run it made them worse.
Even now, 3 years sober and on all the right meds I still have occasional paranoia but it is MUCH more manageable Last night for example I had a few negative thoughts and my reaction was to cook the best stir fry ever to quell them! It does get better in the longer term if you do the right things.
Contact your crisis team, tell them everything and they will keep you safe.
All the best, Forwards.
I get it, I really do. Not so long ago the spies were coming to torture me to death too. I drank to quieten these thoughts and in the long run it made them worse.
Even now, 3 years sober and on all the right meds I still have occasional paranoia but it is MUCH more manageable Last night for example I had a few negative thoughts and my reaction was to cook the best stir fry ever to quell them! It does get better in the longer term if you do the right things.
Contact your crisis team, tell them everything and they will keep you safe.
All the best, Forwards.
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