Steely

And therein lies the rub.....

Mummyto2

Hi, 5 weeks ago i thought i was going mad, im back on day 1, alcohol will turn you crazy, its tough probably the biggest fight of you're life, but it can be done, we have people on here with more knowledge and wisdom and that have been in our shoes.

RAL

It's your choice. It's not something that just happens. You have the power to decide not to drink. I know for me, I have to want to be sober more than I want to be drunk.

What good will being drunk in court do. Or after. Even if you don't get a conviction if you keep drinking there is every chance you'll get one in the future. the only way your life will improve is to take drinking completely off the table. And you have to want to do that

Leshar

Hi FF, I hope court goes as well as it might.
I agree with 16years, wouldn't you qualify for disability benefits?

MrPL

Hi FF - regardless of court results, paranoia, or anything else, drinking won’t help.

This has to be your fresh start, time to deal with your mental health the proper way, then rebuild your life.

You have many accounts here of people who did just that, you can do it too.

Whatever happens in court today don’t drink and then go and see someone qualified about your paranoia.

There is a solution and a better life ahead, but you have to choose it.

dustyfox

It's sad to see a boy like you choosing to let their life slip away...
There is room in life for you to be you without drinking to do it..

MythOfSisyphus

I hope the legal stuff goes well, and I hope you get the help you need, FF.

RAL

how are you doing this morning FF?

freedomfries

Oh not too bad. I'm sober at least. The weather is beautiful.

Very embarrassed by my drunk dramatic posting.

Surrendered19

Stow the embarrassment below decks FF. You don't have to be embarrassed here among friends who understand. I'm glad you are sober.

columbus

Something to consider:

You sound very rational in your posts.

Focus on that?

freedomfries

I don't know if I'm all that rational. I hope I'm insane because otherwise all of this is real. But insanity is hardly comforting either.

I'm drinking. I didn't buy much. I hopefully won't buy more. I can't even string a week together. I got to four months in August with the help of antabuse, but I can't take that with my disposition towards psychosis.

It felt like, walking down town today, everybody knew me even though I didn't know them, and everyone had malignant intentions towards me. It'll feel that way when I'm admitted to rehab too, I won't be able to trust anyone.

I'm on the max dose of my anti psychotic. My psychiatrist was thinking of prescribing a second but he wanted to consult with other people first because I've had several seizures. Maybe I should tell my case nurse it's sort of imperative I get sorted ASAP.

MrPL

Hi ff - man, your tone, perspective and outlook on possibilities are completely different between posts.
When you are sober the light at the end of the tunnel I there, when you are drinking it isn’t.

You need to realise this and get the message. There are solutions to your problems, you just need to allow yourself to see them (I.e. no drink).

freedomfries

Yeah, I know. For one thing, there's definitely a correlation between my drinking and suicide ideation. It's just when I'm sober, I delude myself that I'm happier drunk. :/

But anyways, the alcohol is gone and I'm not on the way to the store for more. So that's good.

Forwards

Hi FF,

Good to see you posting. The others here are right - your level of optimism when your are sober compared to when you are drinking is day and night.

Yes, I know that feeling well walking through town. It gets much better in sobriety. As for the rehab fears, they will do everything they can to reassure and protect you so the paranoia will be manageable. You might even end up enjoying your stay - for those of us in the thick of it, some time away from alcohol and a chance to get healthy is a wonderful thing...

All the best, Forwards.

freedomfries

Well, I drank more. Shocker. I'll probably drink more and wake up in a cell or ER. I dunno. I don't want to. I want to fix my life. I wish I could hoover the alcohol out of my system so I wouldn't have the disinhibition to buy more. But it's in there. Scientifically speaking, my BAC is .24ish which would be a lot for most people but I have enough of a tolerance that I should be able to control myself and not get more.

freedomfries

Possibly. I suppose it's worth a shot anyway. I can't go on like this.

RAL

Ff if you really do want to stop drinking maybe post on here before you go out and buy any.

Youre not just a passerby in your life which just happens to you. You are in control and can decide what to do next

freedomfries

I do want to. I also want to ďisappear into the ether. I'm conflicted.

This.may sound slightly insane but when I was walking home I saw dental floss. A stick like I use. This event me enrolling. It seemed like someone dropped it here to **** with me. But I know that can't be true.

RAL

I know you do ff. Sorry I've just re read my post and apologies if it sounded harsh.