PeaceInSilence

Reaching out in this forum as I get so much insight from reading threads in the hope someone can shed some light on this.

I've been sober for about 18 months - I'm in a 12 step programme, do the work and am really grateful to be where I'm at today. What I've been struggling with lately are my emotional natures, I'm teary a lot, trying to work on my low self worth and how I feel about myself can depend a lot on others. I'm trying to let it go but it's been harder to do so lately. Will I ever feel good enough as a person? To love myself feels impossible. Anyone else felt like this? I'm trying to be positive but I'm digging so hard I feel I'm driving myself mad. I do know how lucky I am to be sober.

Thanks all.

ToughChoices

Hi, PeaceInSilence!

Well done on 18 months of loving yourself enough to get rid of unhealthy habits! That’s amazing!

I am definitely an emotional (read:crying) person, and recovery is enhancing that trait as I’m forced to acknowledge my mistakes and faults in character instead of avoid them with drugs/alcohol. There is zero wrong with feeling the feelings, unless you get stuck in the negative. If I get too down I have to physically begin doing something else. Distract myself. It is not loving of yourself to wallow in the mistakes of the past.

Maybe, for now, you could let the behavior of self-love (not drinking, regular sleep, spiritual fellowship) be enough? Acting like you love yourself may very well result in that being true….

Much love to you today!
-TC

chicory

Peace, I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. I think most of us have those times- I know I do. when I have a particularly low time, I try to be more positive.. do the grateful list, and think of what I do that is good. I think you can be proud of getting sober, following 12 steps, and working toward your best life. Its not easy, but you are doing it.
You might check in with your dr, and if you need any help with depression, get it. I recently had to do that, because my slumps were more often and harder to dig out of. I am from an alcoholic family, and have my own set of difficulties, but life is a growing thing and doing the best things for myself are very important. For you too, so I hope today is a better day for you.
hugs
chic

Noam19

Hi Peace! Awesome job on your 18 months, that's amazing!

I started to write something that was supposed to sound wise and thoughtful, but erased it. Truth is almost every person you meet out there is going to feel sorry for themselves and have low self worth sometimes. Hell, i was all mopey yesterday. In the grand scheme of things nothing I'm whining about is a real problem. Seeing what's going on right now in the world, as horrible as it is, puts a lot of our petty worries into perspective. Maybe the first step in feeling better about yourself, is to do something for someone else. Maybe just one compliment a day to someone, or a sincere thank you to someone, or whatever. My mom always told me "you get what you give".

Bodhi02

Hi Peace, I can totally relate to the feelings of low worth and relying on others opinions to feel worth. I’m over a year sober. I feel like the damage from alcohol has now greatly subsided and the real work on ourselves begins. I had a tough realization a few weeks ago that I’m very codependent on a group of friends. For instance, I always want to gain their acceptance, approval, and attention when some of them I really don’t like and others I really don’t have much in common with or a strong connection. It’s a really good thing to realize these things. I think it means we’re growing and shedding our old negative patterns.

The first step is recognizing these ways of thinking. Why do you think you have low self worth? What are your thoughts and feelings around it? Then try to see something positive in those thoughts and feelings. There’s a daily mood journal worksheet that was created by Dr. David Burns and a podcast called Feeling Good that walks through how to do the daily mood journal. You can find it on google. I’ve found it really helpful to break my negative thought patterns and find something beautiful about myself even with all the negative thoughts and feelings.

I also just started doing a daily list (I do it on my phone)at the end of the night of what I loved about the day. Then I list 5-6 things and make sure at least one is about me. It helps me to see the love that’s already present in my life.

fishkiller

I can relate. The 1st year was all about not drinking for me. So much work went on with that I did not work in much else.
After that 1st year passed I too became kinda lost and feeling low.

Keep working and it will come around. I am on the back side of that after just over 2 years so hang in there.

It gets better

Canadian Koala

Congrats on 18 months PeaceInSilence

That came to my mind reading your post...



Keep the good work, you're a better person every day

DriGuy

Feeling down can happen for entirely different reasons. Sometimes you can think your way out. In early recovery, I had what I called "funks", periods of being on the "pity pot." I invented something that worked for me. Rather than trying to avoid the episodes, I would allow myself to fully embrace them, but for a specified time. It could be for a whole day, or I might decide to let myself wallow without reservation for two hours or whatever. I don't think I ever used up my allotted time. I seemed to get over it after a bit of whining and self pity.

If you have been drinking to self medicate, it might be a chemical imbalance, and you may need to talk to a doctor about that. Let him know about your drinking history, and he may decide to prescribe something that will help. My ex went through a long depression after a period of cancer, which she survived, but was left with a depression that she could not shake. She went on medications, and I asked her how long she would be on the medications. She answered, "I don't care. I've never felt this good before."

In retrospect, I now believe it was something she had been suffering from for most of her life. There were some vague clues that I could not explain during our marriage, but an ongoing depression would explain it quite well. Like alcoholism, chemical depression is more about just being dealt a bad hand. It's not something to feel guilty about. It just needs to be fixed.

But try my trick about allowing yourself to wallow in your misery with a short time limit. It worked well for me. Maybe it will help you too. My general rule, well one of them, anyway, is not to run from your emotions. Experience them fully, but then move on.

fishkiller

CK
That describes my growth perfectly. Acceptance
Life will be hard. Some days I will feel low. Some high. It's the way it works.

Mummyto2

Hi, i felt like that for a long time, then i read an article about how you talk to yourself, everything i used to tell myself was all negative like i can't do that, or im not worth that etc, now i tell myself everything that is great about me etc never rely on others making you happy, or them to make you feel worthy, you are worthy, never ever forget that, a little tip, every morning look into the mirror and say to yourself something nice about yourself, the self love and confidence will return.

PeaceInSilence

Thanks everyone for such amazing replies. These emotional episodes are happening a little more frequently but I'm really hopeful I can push through, feel the emotions I'm feeling and come out the other side a little stronger with more worth. I think I assumed being sober meant being stronger - and I definitely am to a degree but was also hopeful I wouldn't feel the pain I used to feel about myself.

Helping others, gratitude for what I have and trying to love myself more is what I plan on moving forward with.

Thank you guys xx

Steely

❤️

Hawkeye13

Letting the difficult feelings, long-suppressed at least in part by drinking and distraction, was / is a critical part in recovery for me. Just getting that first year sober is a kind of distraction, so the timing of this coming when it has makes quite a bit of sense to me—you are stronger and more stable so your psyche is allowing some of this to ebb to the surface for processing and release.

If you can just sit with the feelings when they come up, see them, let them be, they will dissipate and gradually lose their power. It isn’t easy, but my gosh the peace and space they leave behind is priceless.

Keep going and know you are worth it==

PeaceInSilence

Wow thank you so much! That's lovely x

TroubleAfoot

I absolutely cannot over emphasize the importance of a healthy diet. This topic is controversial but if you do the research, and experiment on yourself, you will find that what you put in your body is not only great for your physical health but also does wonders for your mental health. Do not discount any ways of eating until you have tried some and find what works for you. Some people are vegan and others have thrived for 10 plus years eating only meat. Others, such as paleo folks, do a combination of both. Youtube and other sources of podcasts are a great way to find information. As I said this subject is extremely controversial, and people of opposing viewpoints are often at each other's throats, but they do, for the most point, agree on one thing: processed carbs, sugar, and seed oils are the worst offenders by far.

It's hard, especially when one has already endured the tremendous struggle of quitting drinking, but you just have to dig even deeper and double down on your commitment to your health. Comfort food can become an emotional crutch almost as bad as alcohol is. Do some research, pick a way of healthy eating that appeals to you, and try it out. The amount of information and varying viewpoints, even in the same camps of a way of eating, can be dizzying but don't let that bog you down. Just try one and, if it doesn't work, be willing to open your mind and try another way, or tweak what you are doing, even if it seems counterintuitive. Like quitting drinking it can be a long process but it is beyond worth it if you find what works for you and can develop the willpower to stick with it. Their are mountains of people who have cured many different ailments, physical and mental, and have even gotten off of a load of prescription drugs through modifying their diet.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

MLD51

First of all, congratulations on 18 months!

Some great advice here already, but this really stuck out for me:
"Maybe, for now, you could let the behavior of self-love (not drinking, regular sleep, spiritual fellowship) be enough? Acting like you love yourself may very well result in that being true…."

This is what I had to do. I also got pretty low at times after the initial push of "just staying sober." I was working a 12-step program, so when I got to step 4 (moral inventory) and I had to really start digging into my "stuff," it was a difficult period. Lots of reckoning going on, and there were a lot of tears. I got down on myself a lot of the time, but not as much as when I was still drinking, when I actually HATED myself pretty much every day. But I was still very hard on myself, especially when a memory would surface and I'd feel just awful for how I had treated someone, how I'd not been as present for my kids as I should have been, etc, etc. I had to almost force myself to stop and realize that I was no longer engaging in those behaviors, and that I was working on being better, so I deserved some grace. I had to make a conscious effort to be kinder to myself for a good long time. To counter the negative self-talk with a self-compliment of some kind. And to sort of "fake it til you make it." It's much easier for me to like myself now, and to not worry as much about how others judge me. I'm MUCH less co-dependent, because I know I can depend on myself. I am not going to say it's a self-love fest or anything, but it's gets easier and easier as time goes by to be OK with who I am, and even with who I was while I was drinking and behaving pretty badly. I have compassion for that lost woman who was struggling and in so much pain.

I'm over 7 years sober now. I figure I'll be working a program of some sort for the rest of my life. Not just to stay sober (that part has become pretty easy, for now) but to continue the pursuit of peace and serenity. And that means acceptance of who I am, while at the same time working toward being a better version of myself.

nez

Sounds like a great plan to me. What's not to love about a person who has that for a plan? It is people like that, that I want around me.

You mentioned that you are in a twelve step program and doing the work, but you didn't mention where you are in the twelve steps . I can relate as I also work a twelve step program. I have been through all the steps and am currently doing my best to live daily in the 10th, 11th, and 12th. Knowing where you are in regards to the steps would give me and other people a little better insight and enable us to possibly better tailor our feedback.

One thing I have learned to shore up self esteem and self worth is a daily inventory. It is vitally important when doing the inventory to list assets and not just liabilities. What are things you did well as you went through your day? List examples of where you were kind, caring, compassionate, and not just to others, but to yourself as well.

It is obvious from your posts that you are being authentic and desire to be the best version of you, that you can. That is highly estimable!!! Remind yourself of that as often as is necessary, because the world needs more people like that!

Anna

Yes, those are good plans. I would also add that it will help if you can be kind to yourself and forgive yourself.

KAD65

Hi PeaceInSilence, and congrats on a year and a half sober! That alone is a great reason to feel good about yourself. I can relate to what you said, and it's why my sponsor frequently reminds me to "get out of my own head." But I live in there and it's easy to allow my own thoughts, feelings, and projections cloud and distort the reality that going on around me. I think about myself a whole lot more than other people think about me. That's not necessarily a bad thing, unless my thinking gets skewed toward the negative, which is where my tendencies lie.

PeaceInSilence

Thank you all for really amazing replies, I'm a bit lost for words and emotional (shock, horror!) at how lovely everyone is. I've gone through the programme and I practice step 10, 11 and 12 but the thoughts and feelings I have are around the end of a relationship and me NEVER being able to cope with the emotional distress of this sober and how I really feel about myself. My first painful disturbance around this has been something I never thought I could survive sober. My sponsor did tell me getting into a relationship at x months sober was not the best idea (but I told her I could handle it) a prime example of me running on self will and trying to control situations and not my higher power. I've being doing lots of inventory on myself, two way prayer and trying to help others to get out of my own very selfish head. I fall very easily into the negative self talk but I'm trying to change a lifetime of not liking myself into being kind to myself and others - its not easy if I'm honest, the last thing I want to do is be there for someone else while I'm in pain, but the beauty of it is quite astounding when I don't think of myself for 10 minutes. I've an awful lot to learn.