HelenB

Hi - new here. My husband, who I am planning to divorce as soon as he is stable enough to handle it, just started medical detox. It was basically an ultimatum from me that got him there. I discovered he was drinking and driving with the kids in addition to MANY other issues over a long time period. We have already been separated for a while. I provided a lot of emotional support to get him over the hump and into detox/rehab, b/c I was worried he would either hurt himself or not go. However, now that he is there, my pain from all the damage he has caused to me, and our family is overwhelming me. And I have our three children to take care of, who are shell-shocked that their father is an addict and in rehab. Here's my question? Can I cut him off and tell him I don't want to talk to him while he is there? He can call the kids - they are old enough to have their own phones, I just don't want to deal with him. I know this will be hard for him. But what about me? He has destroyed me with his lies, deception, ugliness, cheating, etc and talking to him just hurts, especially having to pretend to be ok with everything and keep fluffing him up b/c 'it's all about his recovery." Thanks for your thoughts.

Anna

Hi and Welcome, I'm sorry for your situation.

Of course, you have no obligation to communicate with your husband while he is in detox. It's important to focus on taking care of yourself and your children. You might consider trying an AlAnon group in your city as a support for you.

I hope your husband decides to stop drinking for good.

KAD65

Hi Helen. Wow, what you described sounds very much like the legacy I left for my family! I was already divorced when I finally admitted to everyone that I was addicted to alcohol. I was also pretty much given an ultimatum to get into rehab if I wanted to spend any time with my 2 kids again. 7 years later, my kids are adults and decided they want nothing to do with me. My ex has remarried and doesn't talk to me either. One thing I've had to learn the hard way is that I have no control whatsoever over how other people deal (or not deal) with the way my addiction affected their lives. As my oldest daughter put it, "You've gone through your recovery, but I haven't yet."

I see no issue with you telling him you'd like to process things your own way while he's away in rehab and not converse with him, or at least keep it at a minimum. That would be the truth, wouldn't it? I've been to rehab twice, and both times, communication with family was pretty restricted anyway. I had no access to computers, so there was no emailing or texting or anything like that.

I hope your husband makes the best of his rehab experience and gets his life on track, for his own sake first. Best wishes to you.

Mizz

You are not responsible for another adults emotions, actions, reactions, etc. He is the father of your children and they can keep in contact with him. You are more than allowed, and in fact encouraged, to take care of yourself. His problems need not be your problems any longer. He has his own life to work out. Its okay to say "No, thanks. Ive had enough here!"

Move forward and keep moving forward. Take care of you and the children. You matter. You are important.

SparkleKitty

There is in fact no better time for you to put the full focus of your time, energy, and attention on yourself. He is surrounded by support where he is now to help him process your very valid need to sever contact with him.

Hevyn

Hi Helen - I'm so glad you joined us.
I had a similar situation long ago. By the time my former husband went to re-hab it was all over for me. I'm sure he wasn't even aware of all he had put me through & imagined that we would resume our lives together. I decided not to encourage him & had little contact while he was in treatment. I think it's perfectly understandable if you detach.
I agree that Al-Anon might be a very good idea at this point.

least

Welcome Helen! You are under no obligation to communicate with him while he is in rehab. He can call the kids, but you have a right not to want contact with him.

Take good care of yourself, and yes, AlAnon might be very helpful for you, as well as our friends and families of alcoholics forum.

SouthernSober

One consideration: since you are definitely going to split and have to tell him one way or the other...as harsh as it might seem to tell him while he's in rehab, he'll get the news in a safe environment and will not have the option to drink over it. If you wait until after he's done, he may very well self-destruct and ruin the best chance he had. The kids would also seem more protected in the former vs. latter scenario.

I wish you the best. SS

Dee74

absolutely you can. Everyone has the right to dictate their own boundaries.

Welcome to SR Helen

D

D122y

Some things are unforgivable. Live your best life. We only get one go around in the flesh. Prayers for you and yours.

Thanks.

Hawkeye13

Agree with his. He has support and you need to honor your truth and put the focus back on yourself and your progress and healing.