Sasha4

I shouldn't feel like this at time when there are countries being invaded and lives lost and homes destroyed.

This is not a new feeling, its just growing in terms of it occupies my thoughts everyday.

I feel really alone and I have no-one to blame but me.
My daughter is 12 and she is beautiful and kind.
However, she wants to hang out with her friends and be in her bedroom most of the time.
So it's just me.
I work from home 5 days a week which is isolating.

It's a combination of factors of how I ended up here like this.
But for the the biggest factor is alcohol.
Recently I feel so angry about addiction and my alcohol abuse in terms of what it has led too.

It feels like loneliness with an extra serving of hardship because there is the added " Lets go out for a meal and a drink'
Alcohol is an integral part of socialising for some people.

I am truly frightened that when me daughter leaves home, then I will be 100% on my own.
I struggle so much with what is the point?
I feel I put on a brave face everywhere I go and with whoever I speak to.
It's tiring. It feels easier to hide away and not be involved.

Ive made an effort to stay away from Facebook and social media because quite honestly I feel like all the happy group, meeting up photos posted will never be me. I will never have that. It's just me and my daughter and she is starting to become more and more independent. I will never have a wedding anniversary. I will never have marriage or honeymoon photos.
What make it worse is it's all my fault.
No-one to blame but myself.

I look at my daughter and feel so envious sometimes.
She has this clean slate of life ahead of her.
My clean slate of life ended around 20 to 30 years ago and I feel I have lived with the repercussions ever since.

I am so sorry to be so negative at time when the world is how it is.
I just wish I had someone to dependent on because for a long time its felt like just me.

Free2bme888

Big prayers and hugs Sasha.

Are you still actively drinking? Put the drink down first. That’s def FIRST.

Perhaps seeing your dr. Will help, a good honest talk. Maybe a therapist too if you aren’t seeing anyone now.

Your daughter is progressing along like she should be, and our job is to help the, be independent, right? Self confident, able to love and care for herself. I think as a parent myself, the greatest thing we can do for our kids is BE the example.

Love yourself,take care of yourself. If you are struggling to do this on your own, get professional help

DriGuy

This changes as you get better. I couldn't tell if you are you still drinking? Correct me if that is not the case. The last months of my drinking were frightening for me. If you are still drinking, it's hard to see how things can get better. But they do.

I commend you for your compassion for others, and yes many are much worse off, but that doesn't mean you can't feel bad too. The next step is getting better. Doctors, therapists can probably help too.

doggonecarl

They are your feelings and you have every right to them. I just hope they don't obscure all the joys that are out there.

Sasha4

I was 10 years sober on 14/02/2022.
So not drinking.

It just feels like every bill I pay will be on my own.
Every financial decision I make will be on my own.
I have no long term life plans whatsoever.
I truly live one day at time which is good for not drinking but not brilliant for planning ahead or long term.

Free2bme888

Congratulations on 10 years! That’s AWESOME!

It sounds like you are lonely, and don’t like it. With your daughter being 12, are you able to get out in the evenings or weekends?

Any hobbies, interests?

Mizz

We are not meant to continually suffer. There is joy. There is a lot to be grateful for.
Gratitude is a muscle that needs to be strengthened. It may sound stupid to say that. Its like a salmon swimming up stream. It takes a lot of work to change the way we think. One of the ways I was able to adopt, and I still struggle, a positive mindset is to surround myself with positive people. Listen to positive literature. Read positive. Fake it until you make it approach. Know that there are brighter days and know that you will be happy. Its true, Sasha.
Do you like sports? Do you like meditations groups? What do you like to do? How can you get yourself out, make some friends, and do things that you love? Are you a part of any online dating communities? Is that an option for you? There is a solution.

Yes, the Ukraine situation is bad but YOU are important and YOU matter. So, your problems and what you are enduring matter. Don't diminish your thoughts and your feelings. We all matter.

Surrendered19

Do you do any volunteering in your community Sasha? It is a great way to connect with people. Just one suggestion.

Your feelings are legit Sasha and I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Acknowledge those feelings and don't try to bury them.

I think that there is someone out there for you if you want a life partner again Sasha. But it will take putting yourself out there, being patient and taking some risks. With 10 years of sobriety under your belt, all you need to be in dating situations and social situations is a person who doesn't drink. There are SOOO many people who don't drink alcohol and only a few of us are addicts. It is more socially common and acceptable all of the time.

You seem like a great Mum and I think it is so wise of you to let your daughter flap her wings some and be in her own space. If we don't drive our teens away by being needy, they're more likely to stay with us I think.

Anna

Sasha, I'm sorry that you feel so alone. Do you think covid played a role in why you are feeling isolated? Could it be that because you feel nothing will change, nothing will change? I think we bring into our lives whatever we put out there. Maybe, if you gave it a chance, you would find an activity that you love or meet some friends who you could have coffee with, spend time with. It's not a given that you must spend the rest of your life alone, unless that's what you want to do. I'm sorry you're feeling so down about this. And, yes, I remember when my daughter turned 12 and things changed so quickly. Suddenly, you as the parent move into the background as friends become all-important. It's hard for the Mom, but it's the way things should be evolving. It sounds like your daughter is doing well.

Leshar

Thinking of you, Sasha. I like to think I understand your loneliness. I ended 4 years of being alcohol free, because I couldn't cope with loneliness and alcohol was my steady but false friend. It doesn't sound like you're at risk of drinking but you seem to be very sad at your current state and possibly depressed. I agree with others that a medical check up might be in order. Are you social at all with the mums of your daughter's friends? I searched meetup groups and joined a hiking group. I think you're in the UK, I don't know if a similar organization is there. There can be joy in moments. I think our western culture falsely leads us to expect us to be "happy " as a steady state and not to suffer, but the latter is, I think, essential for personal growth.
And so many congratulations on 10 years.

DriGuy

10 years! OK, that is something to feel good about. But obviously, you need more than that, and I think you need to find more.

As others, I'm thinking lonely. Lonely is a strange experience with lots of different shades and tones, and some oddly deceptive qualities. It doesn't necessarily mean the opposite of being by yourself. For example, my worst loneliness in the past would be at big parties where everyone was having a good time without even trying. I would feel lonely. That is different now because I realize crowds are not my nature. I felt like it should have been my nature based mostly on the fact that others liked it, or seemed to. Today, I go to great lengths seeking solitude. It's where I live and how I recreate. One of my big insights long ago was realizing I was alone, which is a far cry from being lonely. Realizing that felt good somehow.

I realize that may not fit you at all, but it's something to think about. If you need people, you need to get out there and make contact. If you have trouble doing this, try to find out why. Alternatively, just force yourself to do it until it becomes easier. This is clearly a skill and can therefore be developed. Also, your daughter might be with you for another six years. Are you worrying about her departure prematurely?

Living one day at a time is not my idea of a satisfying life, and half of life is about planning. Carried to an extreme, you would never make a shopping list, and you would starve. Clearly, when people talk about this, it is some kind of metaphor, one which I have never been able to decipher. So it must mean something other than what it says. It does have a kind of Zen feel to it, as if you became one with nature, or the luminiferous æther, or something as profound, the Buddha would reveal some deep meaning to you, and you would find inner peace. On the other hand, once while browsing in an interesting shop, I saw a wall decoration for sale. It was a sign that cleverly pointed out:It resonated so deeply with me that I almost bought it on impulse. But I resisted and found I am just as happy without it. Tell the Buddha to put that in his pipe and smoke it.

dustyfox

Hi Sasha - working from home must be isolating, your daughters independence is good, but she will still need you for all the confusing stuff our teenagers go through, so its great you are 10 years sober and able to be there for her. BUT you need someone to be there for you too. You sound really down and I wonder if a few weeks of counselling or therapy might help, off loading all your worries and concerns, having someone to listen. I have found therapy to be so very helpful in the past, just having someone to hear me and be with me through some tough stuff. See your GP for recommendations perhaps? It's great you posted - don't feel alone, there are people who will listen!

Dee74

Hi Sasha - some good advice here already.
I think nearly every parent dreads the empty nest...it must be even more poignant when you're a single parent with one child...but, as someone said upthread, its a parents job to ready their child for just that experience - living as an adult in the world.

As you daughter is only 12 tho I think you have a while yet before she leaves the nest. Don't miss out of todays joys by worrying about tomorrows fears, right?

There will always be constants in your life, your daughters love is one of them I bet...and things like SR are another

10 years sober is great - but I knew, once I had not drinking again down, I had build a new sober life as well, cos my old life was all about drinking.

Maybe you're at that point now?

D

Sasha4

I am really, really lonely.
I am tired of feeling this way.

fishkiller

Great Work on 10 Years!

Loneliness is a miserable feeling.
I wish I could do something that would help you but I believe things like this have to addressed from inside.

Make your life a happy place. Some how. Dig deep. Find something that gives you pleasure and hold on to it. Put yourself out there and you will be surprised at what you may find.

KAD65

I can identify, Sasha. I live alone and work from home and have a tendency to isolate. That's been the case for as long as I can remember. COVID lockdowns did me no favors, that's for sure! I also fall into those dark episodes like what you're describing, and it's difficult to break the cycle. I have learned that the more I ruminate on it, those thoughts and feelings create a feedback loop that only serves to generate more of the same.

My only social outlet currently is AA meetings, and I am grateful for those. I try getting involved in spite of my default behavior, which is to hide in my shell and escape as soon as I can. It also helps being able to come here and communicate with others who are, at least, empathetic. As has been suggested, it may not be a bad idea to check in with your doctor. You don't want to become overwhelmed with depression and sadness.

Delilah1

First, ten years sober is something to celebrate. That means your daughter has grown up remembering a sober mom, and that is huge. There are definitely many awful things happening in the world right now, but that does not negate your feelings. Have you ever spoken to a counselor about how you are feeling? It has been helpful for me.

I understand the kids growing up piece. I have three 18, 16, and 14 and it is hard learning to let go, but then you start to witness something pretty amazing, you will see that you have given your daughter all the tools she needs to be independent, you will start to see glimpses of the adult she will be in the future. However, the needing you part never goes away, it just shifts.

Have you thought about joining a book club, or walking group? Maybe taking a cooking class or some adventure class you have always wanted to try? Take some time to think about what you are really passionate about, just you, not you and your daughter, and start to find ways to nurture that passion.

Sending you lots of love!!❤️

Leshar

Sasha, I highly recommend the books "Lonely" and "Count Me In" by Emily White. These and any of respected writer and researcher John Cacioppo's works on loneliness might help. They certainly did for me. I remember when I first bought Lonely, feeling embarrassed at the check out, thinking the clerk would think me a nobby no mates. But loneliness is a hidden affliction and extremely detrimental to health. I think sometimes you have to just push yourself out of your comfort zone a little.

TroubleAfoot

I am lonely too Sasha. I know exactly how you feel. I live in a small town and opportunities to meet women, who aren't already taken, are minimal. I have two dogs I love, and this helps, but dogs can only get you so far and lack so much that a human companion brings. But I am not giving up and you shouldn't either. I used to think, during a previous time when I was really depressed, that what right did I have to be happy when so many are suffering around the world? But then I learned that this doesn't mean I had to suffer too. Learning to love ourselves and learning how to be happy means that we will be able to help others. We can't save the world but we might be able to save someone around us. A simple statement, while showing someone you care and that they are not alone, has the ability to affect them in profoundly positive ways that you may never even fully know. And we can be an impetus to spread a positive wave where that person goes on to help others as well. I have seen this happen. Others have done it for me and, sometimes, I have been able to do it for others as well. We all have a right to be happy and know joy in our lives. We can create good on this planet by spreading inspiration and support for as many as we can reach.

It is okay to be sad but don't ever quit trying to make things better. You can do it. You are worth it, Keep us posted. I look forward to seeing you get the peace and happiness you deserve.