ShadowChick

Hello,
New here, I am in need of some advice.
So, I have been sober for just over four years now and I don't have any cravings for drink or feel tempted etc my problem is that whenever I go out to a show or some kind of social event I find it totally impossible to get involved and enjoy myself, I just don't get that feeling of happiness or anything. I just sit there and watch everyone else jumping about around me. When I was drinking this was so easy, everything was easy to enjoy and I actually got excited about events and meeting new people and all that. Now, I am the total opposite, I don't particularly like people and I hate being there in a room where everyone else appears to be on a different planet to me. I have tried to speak to family etc about this and nobody gets it, they just think I don't enjoy anything. As long as I am not drinking nobody gives a dam.
The sad thing is I sometimes miss the person I was when I was drinking and wish that I was still that person rather than the person I am now. Any advice on how to deal with this?

Dee74

Hi and welcome shadowchick

I'm sorry your still struggling with this 4 years in - do all your friends drink?

It took me a while to sever the connection between fun and a bottle - I had to remember I used to have fun without alcohol once, and I could do so again.

I had to learn to let go and relax sober - but I can only really do that with friends who support my recovery, or those who know me only as someone who does not drink.

doggonecarl

If you mean drinking, no longer hang out in situations where everyone is "on a different planet. I'm sober. I seek sober activities. As for enjoying the activities I used to enjoy drunk, I've found that what I actually enjoyed was the drinking. Take outdoor bbqs. I used to love cooking out, going to cookouts. When I got sober and realized how hot it was, how buggy, how much standing around and talking stupid crap was going on, it dawned on me, I could only enjoy this drunk. So it wasn't a social activity I truly enjoyed. I just enjoyed situations where my drinking fit it.

To find a good time, discover what you value. Really value. Then pursue the things that align to those values.

RecklessDrunk

Maybe getting in a good, physical workout beforehand. I like to get in a run before some kind of event. It gives me much of that physical ease and comfort that a drink use to. This ease and comfort will remain much longer and not quickly turn into madness. Im not going to jump around like a crazy person but being around drunk people won't bother me. I'll be swiggin on a club soda and at times completely forget the idea that everyone is drinking and im not. I use to stop and realize, I can't believe im not drunk too.

least

For me, 'having a good time' is all about peace and quiet, feeling content. I don't have to be at an event to enjoy myself, just being home with my dog and cats is company enough. Life doesn't have to be 'exciting' to be enjoyable.

If the events you're going to are all about drinking, I'd stop going to them. Drunken parties/events are no fun for the sober ones.

Anna

Hi Shadowchick, For me, it took changing from the inside out. I don't socialize as much as I did when I was drinking and I'm fine with that. When I do socialize, it's almost never around alcohol. I walk/hike a lot and I love meeting up with people to have coffee. I love music and dancing, so if I'm socializing where there is alcohol, I will focus on the music and dancing and always have a great time. It's about rethinking activities and finding things that you love to do that also support your recovery.

ShadowChick

It is just me and my partner that go out and he doesn't drink, friends wise, they do drink but that doesn't bother me at all. I just can't seem to let go, if that makes sense.

ShadowChick

The events are concerts, its about the music which I do really like, I just can't show that I like it, there is just no feeling there anymore.

ShadowChick

I get the changing from the inside out thing, I have changed so much in so many ways, its just the going to concerts thing. It is really hard to explain but if you saw me at a show you would think that I looked like I was about kill myself or something, that feeling of enjoyment and wanting to dance and all that seems to have vanished. Maybe there is a bit of a self confidence thing going on there but I feel it is more than that.

calmself

Next time when you go to a social event, observe carefully. Most of the sober folks connect quickly, grab a bite and leave under some pretext.

Only the folks who want to really drink hang around talking some random crap, duck walking around after a while and either driving home drunk or hiring a cab. I have been part of this drunk crowd so many times and would no way call this enjoyable.

Next day the sober folks come cheerful, fresh and the drunk folks either come in late or take headache pills and turn up with no memory of what happened. No use either at work for staying so long. In short, a wasted effort.

Dee74

I really love music so I try and focus on that, and just that - if the music speaks to me, I'll be the one dancing in my seat and having a great time.

I was afraid of having fun for a long time tho - I had no desire to drink but I held on a long time to the alcoholics creed - fun only comes in a bottle.

I'd lived that way for decades.

The more things I went to, and the greater confidence I had in the people I went with the more I could finally embrace the idea that fun and letting go did not need booze in the equation.

Maybe seeing a counsellor or therapist might help?

D

ShadowChick

I did do some therapy when I actually stopped drinking but that was a long time ago, I guess it is something that I could look into, it might be helpful.

ElizaD

Maybe you were a drinking extrovert but in reality you are an introvert. You may just have to adjust to the fact that you don't enjoy crowds and loud parties. I know I don't and often drank so that I could feel comfortable in those kinds of situations.

Dee74

just enjoying yourself could be difficult if you're still subconsciously associating a loss of control with drinking and vice versa.
You would not be the first person in recovery to have a problem with letting go soberly.

nez

In recovery I have learned not to take things so seriously, especially myself. As a result, I have no inhibitions today which makes for a lot more spontaneous authentic fun than I ever experienced while drinking. Also in recovery I have found that I relish the simple pleasures of life and can be fully present and aware of them as they happen. Not everything has to be the next big thing.

Looking back at my drinking the question I ask is how did I ever think I had fun while drinking, because It wasn't the authentic me, so the fun wasn't authentic either. It was all a charade and facade, so I have no tendency to romance the stone or chase what never really existed.

I have way more fond and vivid recollections of fun times in recovery. And the reason they stand out is because they were truly memorable experiences, as opposed to the more mundane inane fuzzy recollections of my drinking past. Not only that, I know that more are yet to come, and I can hardly wait!

Mummyto2

Hi, congratulations on 4 years, i am at 3 weeks and this gives me hope, my plan is to do things/activities that does not involve being around alcohol or people that are drinking it, as its early days for me, i have always wanted to try yoga, where i live they do it on the beach when the weather is nice, now i have the confidence (being sober) and not the fake confidence (being drunk) i am going to give this a go and also all the other activities that alcohol prevented me doing.

DriGuy

If I'm in a big group, I find I don't need to relate to the tone of the group, unless of course, it's about something meaningful to me. I will search out some strangers and talk to individuals, and if they turn out to be interesting, it's a plus. My last big group was a Christmas party where I only knew 3 people out of about 20. The three people I knew were already friends with the entire group, and they were busy with the others. There was a small cluster of people who seemed to be more or less outsiders, and I sat down and talked to them. And I found them interesting enough to enjoy the evening. They also were not drinking. We didn't talk about the party or party stuff, we just got to know each other a little bit. Many of the others were drinking and a few became loud, not obnoxious, just uninhibitedly loud, and I felt sorry for them having what was their idea of a good time. One drunk woman gave me a big smooch. I have no idea why. We never talked, and I have no idea who she was. It was OK, I guess, but not the best part of the night. I don't care for big parties. I never did when I was drunk either. I just got drunk for something to do at the party. Sometimes you can salvage something out of a party. Sometimes you can't. I really don't care. And I realize now that I never really did care about these kinds of events, and in the past I had an internal conflict over not caring about what others thought I should care about.

Sooo, where I'm going with this is to say that I don't seek out things I don't find enjoyable. I don't need to be excited. I don't need unique, and I do not enjoy drunks. I don't search out things I'm supposed to like, but actually don't care for that much. My life is not a raucous party. I don't need that. My true comfort zone is quieter than that, and in retrospect, I realize it always was.

Mizz

Well, I think maybe you should stop doing this thing that does not bring you enjoyment or happiness. Just lean on in to the fact this doesn't serve you any longer. It doesn't have too. You are allowed to change. Going against the tide, and trying to be something we are not, doesn't work.

I do not participate in the same activities now that I am sober. I am more quiet and solitary. This serves me right now.
Perhaps in the future I may want to be with larger groups of people or go to concerts but....Not today. I'm good just listening to my book on tape. Running. Walking. Recovering.

Its like that one part in the movie Sex and The City. Carrie asks if she will ever laugh again. Samantha (I think?) says she will laugh when something is really really funny. The hysterical laughter came. It just took some time.

I think accepting where you are at with this, and really embracing it, can do wonders.

Surrendered19

Just based on the limited info in your post, I'm going to gently suggest that although you might miss the person you were when you were drinking, others likely don't.

But that aside, your post makes me sad because 4 years of sobriety is an amazing accomplishment, and there are so many here on SR and in the real world that are struggling to get 4 days under their belts and would do anything to achieve what you have achieved. I guess it is distressing to me that so many may read or hear a message from you that even 4 years out, there is no happiness except for the fake frenzied manic glee that came along with drinking.

But, you are definitely not responsible for others' recovery and happiness. I sincerely hope that there are parts of your sobriety that make you happy and that you are grateful for the healthy and peaceful life that you are living, live concert venues and romanticized drunken stupidity aside.

advbike

I don't like noisy and crowded venues anymore, and will do anything to avoid them. I still dance and play air guitar once in a while at home when a favorite song comes on, but concerts hold no interest. I love nature, hiking, biking, photography, travel, exploring other cultures.

Don't force it - find what you love to do now.

Fantastic job on 4 years!