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Secondary Addiction

Old 02-23-2022, 05:51 PM
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Secondary Addiction

A little over 2 months ago, I put an end to what I came to recognize as a secondary addiction. It went on for 5 years. It wasn't a substance, it was a very unhealthy relationship. Without going into too much detail, it was difficult to view it as an addiction primarily because it was so rewarding much of the time, but very painful at other times. Sounds just like booze, huh? Anyway, things became unraveled to such an extent that I finally put a stop to it. Also...just like booze.

Anyone else have this particular type of experience? It's easy to look for a replacement of any kind, whether or not you're even aware that's what you're doing.
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Old 02-24-2022, 04:50 AM
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It's always difficult ending a relationship, even if it's a toxic one. There is a very large potential that relationships can be toxic, and it's not always your fault. I'll work toward saving a relationship, but there is a point, like with alcohol, when the rewards do not match the misery, and anything less than pulling the plug won't be enough. Pulling the plug on alcohol was much harder.

One thing I struggle with is wondering if I am a hedonist or not. I want my life to be peaceful and content, and it is one thing that I've worked on and developed in sobriety. I'm not talking about hedonistic drunken debauchery, obviously. I'm talking about peace and calm. This means letting go of a lot of things that cause stress. And life has lots of this in it, and sometimes, as with alcohol, it's hard to let go. Do I let go of too much? I haven't decided yet, but my life does have a lot of peace and calm. There is something to be said for excitement of course, but I don't seek that out like I used to. Should I? Still haven't decided. I don't think I'm complacent, however. If I was, I'd be drunk, probably. I think it's probably best not to worry about this, so I'll drop it for now.
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Old 02-24-2022, 06:03 AM
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I guess this calls for a bit more context to illustrate why this relationship was particularly unhealthy. First of all, it was long distance - she lives over 500 miles away - so it was primarily virtual. Second, she was already involved in a LTR relationship. It wasn't a very happy relationship anymore, which left her open to getting involved with me, but in retrospect, I should have known better. We both should have, but that's her business. It was a very close (figuratively speaking), intense relationship, but also full of complications and frustrations that, again, should have prompted one of us to give up, but it didn't.

Cutting to the crescendo, things progressed to the point that her partner left and it looked like we were finally going to get our chance to be together. Only, he decided to come back, she decided to keep him, and I ended up hurt very badly. Still, we continued on going through the motions, attempting to downshift to friendship for several months. But I was developing resentments and even contempt toward her. I admitted to that, and it was the last time we spoke.

DriGuy, I can relate to what you said about opting to keep the peace instead of getting into anything (or anyone) else that might disrupt it, even in ways that could provide momentary pleasure. In light of what I just described, I'm even more inclined to feel that way! As I get older (closing in on 57), I think I'd rather take it easy for the rest of the ride!
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Old 02-24-2022, 06:31 AM
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I should also add that the "crescendo" I mentioned above coincided with my relapse after 6 years of sobriety. That's the most bothersome part of all. I didn't have to respond to it that way, but I did.
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Old 02-24-2022, 06:53 AM
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I'm glad you recognized that the relationship was not good for you and that you took action.
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Old 02-24-2022, 12:29 PM
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Yes, there are many "secondary addictions" for those with altered brain chemistry and depressed receptors from years of drinking. Relationships, shopping, gambling, porn, even exercise. Anything that brings the dopamine and brain chemistry back into balance. I was notorious for buying new cars 30 or 60 days into sobriety when I was younger. I would be so bored, and seeking a rush, apparently.

The relationship situation also happened to me when I was overseas and almost a year sober. I didn't even realize that it was my addictive brain seeking a substitute - I was just happy for a new girlfriend, exciting times and adventures.. and amazed that I wasn't drinking. I actually moved over there for a few years, then made regular trips back and forth until the pandemic stopped that. But after a few years sober the stress of the crazy lifestyle and my complacency brought me down and I picked up again.

It took me a long time to figure out that I had substituted an addictive relationship for an addictive substance, and as part of that realization - that I had major codependency and attachment issues that go back to my childhood. And lots of emotional pain, which made it difficult to break off, and which has been a major reason I drank over the years. Basically it opened up complications that I am still dealing with, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything - it really changed my life and served as a catalyst for further awareness.
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Old 02-25-2022, 12:23 AM
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Drinking and sex addiction went hand in hand for me.
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