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Old 03-03-2022, 03:07 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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What Dee said^^
Patience is key I think. I am just now accepting that I have to be patient with myself. I don't need to always be in control of the situation, I don't always have to have the answer, I will make mistakes. I am human.

I will add that it gets better
Much better

My worse days sober are no match for my worse days drunk.
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Old 03-03-2022, 05:39 PM
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I just want to say I've loved reading your posts: you express yourself so well and I just see so much of myself in your story. I'm only a tad younger but unemployed and fearful of going back to work for there just to be more drama, as well as not having clue what I'm even capable of at this point. I too like to write and play music but I'm most motivated when drunk and it comes out sloppy (upon revisiting). And I too struggle to see a point moving forwards sometimes when there's never been much success in life, and excruciating amounts of anxiety... I'm on Day 2 but have been round the recovery block a bit. I really want to make this stick. Anyway, keep up the good work
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Old 03-05-2022, 10:27 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Tetrax View Post
I just want to say I've loved reading your posts: you express yourself so well and I just see so much of myself in your story. I'm only a tad younger but unemployed and fearful of going back to work for there just to be more drama, as well as not having clue what I'm even capable of at this point. I too like to write and play music but I'm most motivated when drunk and it comes out sloppy (upon revisiting). And I too struggle to see a point moving forwards sometimes when there's never been much success in life, and excruciating amounts of anxiety... I'm on Day 2 but have been round the recovery block a bit. I really want to make this stick. Anyway, keep up the good work
Thanks so much Tetrax for your kind words. Nice to know there are fellow souls out there. I am actually back to Day 0.5 now, I broke yesterday and drank 2 bottles of wine again, so silly. I got caught in a bind in the afternoon, felt like I didn't care and so went out got some wine and went roaming. The thing is I didn't even really enjoy it and then my folks knew I'm sure when I came back in the house in the evening. Had half a bottle earlier today but it was disgusting and I threw the rest away. Been trying to drink tons of water and get vitamins into me today and walked for about 10 miles to wear myself out so I can actually sleep tonight (I have terrible trouble always on the first couple of days). I want to etch this into my mind so I can remind myself its not worth it. I feel terrible. I have never really managed to shake my existential crisis if I'm honest, life not feeling worth it etc. That decision still isn't made in my mind if I'm honest. It's like I can see how my life lead me up to this point. You can only pretend so long I suppose and then the cracks get bigger and its all unsustainable. I disgust myself but I'm still not really sure what to do next. I have to stay clean. I am wondering if I should perhaps get some anti-anxiety medication to help stop me thinking I need to reach for the booze. I will perhaps try and speak with my doc next week, but wonder if that will just be another dependency and don't want to dumb myself out too much. Crazy times for me right now. I never thought I would be here in this situation but then I feel like perhaps I have had my head in the clouds for so long it was inevitable. Anyway, I stopped drinking again which is the first thing.
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Old 03-05-2022, 03:14 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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next time you want to drink, maybe post here instead AndraMan?
I know its difficult when you 'don't care', but I guarantee you there's a part of you that DOES care...feed that part of you

D
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Old 03-06-2022, 03:59 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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One of the strongest tools I use is " I don't drink anymore. No matter what"
I say it, I mean it, I live it.
No Matter What

Life is good, life sucks, does not matter.
I Do Not Drink

Not easy at first but if you live it it gets better.

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Old 03-06-2022, 04:00 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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The not caring is just your AV.
It will convince you of many things if you converse with it. Ignore that fool. You Do care or you would not be here.
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Old 03-06-2022, 10:55 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Made it through Day 1.5 (are half-days allowed? lol). Seem to have pulled quicker out of the puffy, not sleeping, bedraggled phase this time. Think maybe the longer break before and more exercise and I drowned myself in CBD yesterday so actually got the sleep which was really great and unexpected. I think some of the problem is I am going slightly insane here with my folks and they're going slightly insane with me so my time here is limited I feel. Hoping I will get a job soon anyway, then I can trade family insanity for crushing, demoralising 9-5 grind with screaming AV on Fridays and Sundays. How I love life. Thanks for your support guys anyway. I feel stronger now with avoiding drinking. I have to remember that it really has made me feel worse the last few times I've had it. It's a crap drug really, just a poison. If you could get sensible low strength weed with balanced THC/CBD that really would be a far better alternative to alcohol for so many people who just want 'something' I think and not so stupidly addictive, but our wonderful government seems to think alcohol and tobacco are the ones that should be legal. Such a nonsense, maybe will change in years to come. But yes, not that I am saying weed doesn't have its issues too. I certainly have ended up over-doing it almost always, but the all prevalent high-strength skunk really is a different drug, must be loads of kids in this country spending every last penny on that stuff.
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Old 03-06-2022, 12:56 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Well done on day 1.5 Andra and yes I used to count the half days as well as the full days!

As was said before any time you feel wobbly then post here. There is always someone here.

I always say to myself as long as I dont have that first drink then I am good! I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I had a glass of wine it would lead to another followed by the whole darn bottle! I don't have an off switch and I don't have the ability to say no to others or to stop after just one or two. So I stick with I'm not having that first one. Once I say that the rest becomes easier for me to cope with and stick too.

Keep posting here and keep going. You are doing great!
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Old 03-06-2022, 01:48 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Full disclosure that I'm the mod of the marijuana forum here.

I was just as addicted to pot as I was to alcohol. Anything that helped the 'escape' I desired, I over used.
CBD oil was after my time but I think its reasonable to say be careful if its the kind that gets you high.

You don't want to give up one addiction to move to another.

D


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Old 03-07-2022, 11:08 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Yes too true Dee, I have often told myself with weed that 'this time will be different, weekends only etc', and then just the same old addiction cycle follows...but if you can grow it yourself and really have a minimum of THC in there with more CBD then its not really narcotic anymore, more of something to settle you down, 'CBD plus' if you will. But yes the illegal markets here just want to sell you crazy-time weed, and from what I understand in US/Canada the legal markets aren't much better for that either. But yes, definitely have to be careful with all that swapping one for another as you say. Haven't had a chance yet anyway as haven't owned my own place yet.
Anyway Day 2.5 and I'm ok. Playing my guitar is helping me quite a bit, can find some of that escapism in there I think. I really hope I can push to keep playing once I'm working again and try and get a band going. Gonna be a tough readjustment that's for sure. Depression/anxiety has really noticeably melted my brain, gonna take some coming out of this, but they say the brain is more retrainable later in life than previously thought so have to keep the faith. It's really staggering just how many people write about depression online, lots of people struggling, can't find what they want in life etc. I think modern life is just much more brutal on our heads than we know. You look at how things have just accelerated culturally, life can move so fast now. No wonder so many people lose the plot. Where are these goddam robots we were promised anyway, would be nice to not be a slave to money your whole life, that's for sure!
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Old 03-08-2022, 10:49 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Day 3.5 and made it through. Had a semi-ok interview today, not sure if it was strong enough to get me a job but fingers crossed. Interviews are always a pretty awful experience in my view. I always feel crap about them afterwards but sometimes I get offered a job, sometimes not. I can honestly never tell at the time. The forces that be will decide now. Think my parents want to stab me for being here so long, and there are times when I would even welcome that, lol. Got some other stuff coming up. Hopefully some sucker will employ me soon anyway. It will at least be a change of pace and much needed.
No urges to drink! Hurray for that! Mantra to myself: It is unhelpful poison, only makes you more depressed and anxious, time to turn the page!
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Old 03-08-2022, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by AndraMan View Post
Day 3.5 and made it through. Had a semi-ok interview today, not sure if it was strong enough to get me a job but fingers crossed. Interviews are always a pretty awful experience in my view. I always feel crap about them afterwards but sometimes I get offered a job, sometimes not. I can honestly never tell at the time. The forces that be will decide now. Think my parents want to stab me for being here so long, and there are times when I would even welcome that, lol. Got some other stuff coming up. Hopefully some sucker will employ me soon anyway. It will at least be a change of pace and much needed.
No urges to drink! Hurray for that! Mantra to myself: It is unhelpful poison, only makes you more depressed and anxious, time to turn the page!
Good work pulling off an interview in the first week! Fingers crossed and all that.
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Old 03-08-2022, 05:38 PM
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I hope you have luck with the interview but if not you'll definitely feel better in the weeks ahead, AM.

D
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Old 03-09-2022, 02:56 AM
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I think you hit the nail on the head about modern life. WAY too much stuff going on in our little worlds. Used to be wake, eat, sleep. Now, jeez, where do you start?
Simplifying, trying to simplify, life has been my mission since I stopped drinking. I believe that helps me stay sane.

You Will get a job. The right one just has not presented itself yet.
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Old 03-09-2022, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by fishkiller View Post
I think you hit the nail on the head about modern life. WAY too much stuff going on in our little worlds. Used to be wake, eat, sleep. Now, jeez, where do you start?
Simplifying, trying to simplify, life has been my mission since I stopped drinking. I believe that helps me stay sane.

You Will get a job. The right one just has not presented itself yet.
Well Fishkiller, you weren't wrong. I got offered that job from my 'semi-ok' interview and accepted it just today!! Really pleased, and a big relief for me and my family. So much easier to move on with a job already lined up. Exciting but also daunting as I know I have a hill to climb to get used to the grind again and the long working week tiredness etc. I put myself in for something a fair bit lower down than what I was doing before to aim for a lower stress existence, let's hope it works that way. Of course I wanted to drink to celebrate but stuck to a zero-alcohol beer and a bit of junk food instead.
Herein begins my journey to living tee-total anyway. I agree, you need to just 'live it', drinking is no longer an option. Filthy poison and it's had its way with me for too long. I have sometimes thought about it like a toxic ex-partner who you know is no good for you but you still have feelings for. Just have to cut the tie.
Day 4.5 and still clean.
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Old 03-09-2022, 02:30 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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congrats AM - run with this second chance, man

D
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Old 03-09-2022, 02:41 PM
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Congratulations!
Awesome news!

I am here to tell you as a guy who has been high for 3/4's of his life this way is Much Better.
We don't have to quit forever just today.
Forever seemed impossible to me at first. I couldn't even say it.
I guess the thought overwhelmed me. Anyway someone said that to me and it made sense. If you get too overwhelmed just remember that.
You only have to not drink Today.

Now it is a goal I treasure.
I am alcohol free, Forever.

Keep up the Good Work!
It gets So Much Better
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Old 03-09-2022, 06:03 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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So happy for your good news, Andra!
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Old 03-10-2022, 12:12 PM
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Thanks guys, really appreciate it. Made it through Day 5.5 intact. Still feeling quite a lot of anxiety, now thinking about what if my paperwork doesn't all go through, how I will cope at work, logistical arrangements etc but can't let myself worry about everything. My restless mind drives me nuts sometimes, like it just finds a way of making me feel unhappy in a situation, something I still let get the better of me. This is where I need to really get into CBT I think. Fleeting thoughts of wine still passing through my head but then I remember my nerves and the neuropathy which steeply worsens as soon as I drink. The following 48 hour anxiety battle. So not worth it. Need those remaining brain cells! Hunger is a big trigger for me definitely too, really very aware of that one, just have to get the food down and let it pass, just about being patient with it a lot of the time, letting the feelings come and go. Still clean so all good!
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Old 03-10-2022, 01:47 PM
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I know about those negative thoughts. My mind goes straight to the what ifs at times. Most of the time.
Not sure why but I don't like it.

This is a big thing I am working on now. What I think is helping me the most is accepting that things are gonna be as they are gonna be. Whether I drive myself insane worrying about it or if I let it ride and enjoy my life until whenever whatever it is comes about or doesn't it makes no difference so why not enjoy my time. Let it ride.

Acceptance
I've heard that word so many times and been told about it so many times but I am just now seeing what it means to truly accept things as they are.

5.5 Days is Great!
Keep up the Good Work





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