Icandothis2013

Day 4 and I am reposting this from a comment I made on my Day 3 post.

I am finding it sooo hard today. I have to renew the non molestation order against my son and don’t know whether to go for a ‘hard’ version barring all contact (what is currently in place) , a ‘medium’ version allowing some contact or a ‘lite’ version where he is still barred from my house but we attempt some sort of reconciliation. At this time when I am feeling sooo tired and sick, I would prefer ‘lite’ but everyone tells me to go for the ‘hard’ version …but I can’t help feeling he needs one last chance for guidance… I have read quite a bit about codependency now but it doesn’t fit that narrative because he is MY CHILD and every mother is surely watchful, caring about their child and giving them unrequited love and that is not codependency as with a partner. Plus he has learning difficulties and can’t manage his emotions so lashes out. I feel with proper therapy , he could be helped but he’s rejected it so far. Cutting him off again is going to make him even more vulnerable and prone to making bad decisions…
It’s very distressing but I’m not going to drink and I’m not going to make any decisions until I feel physically better …

dustyfox

ICAN - I don't have a magic answer but I can tell you about my situation and it may or may not chime with you.
I completely hear where you are coming from - your son sounds older than my daughter, who is 13, ( who would think a 13 year old could cause so much chaos ) BUT my goodness I have been through the ringer with her. I see a psychologist fortnightly to talk through the various issues and the Psychologist keeps saying to me that I can not rescue her, I can not 'save her' - and all my maternal instincts scream to me to do just that!
All I can do is be here for when she wants to make a change, needs my help, accepts my help. In the meantime I have to prioritise myself - you know that thing about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first so you can actually help the others around you.
I would say the same to you. By not drinking you are putting that oxygen mask on, you will be in a better place to deal with your sons complicated issues. You are doing brilliantly, believe me you are!

least

I'd go with the 'hard' order. It would seem you need to detach from him in order to heal yourself.

Surrendered19

That is a tough one ICDT and we love our kids regardless of what they do.

As gently as I can, I suggest to you that you can indeed be codependent with your son. I only hope you are open to the suggestion.

The legal processes are not written in stone, so there is nothing you do that can't be changed if the situation dictates. Indeed, court orders have provisions in them contemplating that violations of the terms of the courts' orders occur often. So don't overthink how to proceed. Pick one that is the best for your situation know that these things can be revisited.

You know your son better than anyone else in the world. Take yourself back to the scariest moments with your son, the things he did to you and tried to do to others in your life. Do you have ANY evidence that he has grown and changed at all since you obtained that first court order based on all of the ways he tried to hurt you?

Consider those things before you make your decision on how to proceed in the courts.

I hope you start feeling better soon so that you can wrestle with all of this with a calm mind and body.

Icandothis2013

Thank you so much. Well because I haven’t been in contact with him for months I have no idea if he has changed. All I know is that he dropped out of college and got a job which paradoxically might be an improvement if he is financially independent and not hitting me up for money. You’re right, the legal situation can be changed quite easily if he gets his act together but, as I don’t see him , I have no idea if that’s the case. Maybe we are codependent, I don’t know, but all the codependency stuff I read was about partners who you can get rid of , but you can’t get rid of a child and this is really really torturing me ! :-(

Anna

I'd go with hard. I honestly feel, allowing him to take care of himself, is the greatest gift for him and for you.

Of course, you can't get rid of a child. But, you can make firm boundaries that will benefit you both. In time, you might change that. But, your sobriety is vulnerable right now and it needs being cared for.

advbike

Oh, it's not just about partners or spouses. We can be codependent with anyone that we try to rescue or caretake -at our expense - and whom then takes advantage of us. I had this situation with my younger brother, but it has gotten better. It actually sounds like your son became more self-sufficient and got a job because you stopped allowing him to take money from you. Which you did by not allowing contact.

So it is important that you keep that boundary in place (no support) at all costs. How you do that is up to you. The problem with allowing contact is he preys on your motherly instinct and need to care for him, which then crosses over into codependent caretaking - at your expense.

advbike

I would also gently suggest that you do not over dramatize your thinking and language around this issue. "My horrible dilemma" indicates that you have tremendous emotional investment in this situation. Try to take the emotions out of it, Ican. I know he's your son, but as long as we think that way (and I myself tend to), it makes these situations fraught with tension and guilt and danger. Instead, try to frame it as a practical matter and one that he is working through toward a positive outcome. It will help diffuse the tension over the decision.

Congrats on Day 4 - you CAN do this!

SouthernSober

Tough situation. You made the decision to implement the original order. Has anything changed--from him, not you--to warrant essentially reversing that decision?

Icandothis2013

I don’t know because I haven’t seen him since last October. The only thing I know is he is apparently working not studying which has more pros then cons ironically ! But that’s all I know.

Anna

Yes, the reason he's working is because of your no-contact and no longer giving him money. That's a good thing.

venuscat

I think there is a lot of very, very wise advice here dear ICDT.
Choosing the 'hard' version sounds like the most loving and practical thing to do for both of you. ❤️

Dee74

I’m with Anna - this is the crux of the matter ICDT.

The other side of the coin is it’s best for you too - right now you need to focus on yourself and your recovery

When you read the whole of the Melody Beattie book you’ll see codependency can be between moms and sons too.

D

Icandothis2013

Thanks Dee. I admit I didn’t finish it (the book) but read quite a bit on line. The ‘detach with love’ approach also seems appropriate but soooo hard to implement because I know he’s easily led astray and there may come a point where he’s irretrievable ! :-(

MrPL

Hi Ican - I am sorry you are going through this.

Would it be worth you trying communication by letters to explain the situation to your son and see what he says back?

Then you can decide what to do without wondering.

In other words, as difficult as this is, if you feel like you made an informed decision now this may save you regretting your decision later.

Whatever you decide you have our support here.

My best wishes to you

P

2muchpain

Taking care of yourself, especially you are early on in your sobriety should be your priority. Maybe keeping a healthy distance for now might be the best thing you can do for both of you. Your situation reminds me of someone at an AA meeting I used to go to. She would constantly be talking about all the drama between her and her kids. She was clearly codependent but didn't see it. Are you receiving any counseling for codependency? Sounds like he is doing pretty good, so now sounds like the right time for you to learn how to have a healthy relationship with him. Learning the skills to help you set boundaries would be the best thing you can do for both of you. Good luck, John

Icandothis2013

I have no idea if he is really working as he lies a lot. This is what he told his father (who is in another country). Yes, I am receiving counselling - I love my counsellor and he tells me to distance myself, set boundaries, sit with my feelings and practice radical acceptance and find a replacement activity but you can do all the cooking, yoga and walking in the world but it doesn’t fix the absolutely huge hole in my life which only my child can fill !

Dee74

I understand the fear of never making contact again…you’re a mum…but think about the many many things that led you to take out the order in the first place…the money, the threats, the intimidation, the blackmail…

The other side of the coin, as I said, is protecting you.

Think about how your priorities and your focus needs to be on you right now.

Also, again, Anna is right - forcing your son to stand on his own two feet and be responsible for the consequences of his actions could be the greatest gift a mum could give her son.

I’m sure you gave him everything he needs to be an upstanding member of society,
He may change one day…but he won’t change if you give In now.

D

Icandothis2013

Yes, that’s the wisest and right advice Dee…Thank you ! But my heart …. ! :-( I’m so tired thinking about this and I have to start to make the application tomorrow …another sleepless night awaits !

Dee74

I agree with what I saw on your other thread where someone said reopening that door at this point will bring more of the same.

Forget about Junior for a minute - what do you deserve?

Make the application and be done with it.

D