FlyingDutchMan

You’re doing great Marit, you won’t be feeling like this forever. I know it can be hard to see light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, but you will get there. Step by step.

Dee74

Congratulations marit

D

fishkiller

Congrats on 1 Week!
That's not easy to do.

Triggered

Congrats Marit...keep it going!

MrPL

Hi marit - you are capable of a lot more than you give yourself credit for! A week ago you had no idea how you could go one day sober, now you are at 7!

Trust yourself, you ll be absolutely fine when school starts, one day at a time!

AL48

Congrats Marit .

marit3303

Well here is an honest update. Yesterday everything fell apart. I hit one week and I was so proud of myself and everyone else was so proud. My parents called it 'baby steps'. And then I had my first anatomy lab and I was so overwhelmed with information that I had a full panic attack in the middle of class. I did go to the bathroom and cry. I was so overwhelmed to the point where I started thinking about failing the class and dropping out of college. And then I decided to relapse. And so I got a bottle (a small one, but not that it even matters) and I went to my boyfriend's place. Thinking he too would recognize that this is part of my recovery and it is a setback, not a failure, as well as the fact that my addiction is a disease that I have, not who I am. But he didn't, and he broke up with me. He told me he couldn't take care of me anymore, and couldn't handle worrying about me anymore. And so I left and I went to my friend's place and started drinking. Then I spent the night with this guy I used to hang out with and I blacked out. This morning I'm continuing to drink and it's the only thing that is numbing all the pain and anxiety. This morning I am heartbroken, I'm drunk, I feel used for my body by that guy I spent the night with, and I feel like dying.

Juve

Marit,

I am glad, so glad, you came in here to write. That took a lot of courage.

Please know I'm thinking of you today. I used to teach at a school with a big nursing program, and gosh, it sounded scary what the nursing students went through--especially Anatomy was a dreaded course sequence. "Anxiety" was the main emotion my students felt.

Also, I do think from what you've written, you have a support system (even if your boyfriend is out of the picture now) you can reach out to. I was so happy to hear you're seeing a therapist.

Right now, can you do something in terms of self-care? (I mean, apart from drinking.) Can you do that right now?

I'll now do a loving-kindness meditation for you.......

--Johannes

Triggered

No one can tell you how to live your life Marit. That is completely your own choice.

But look at what has just happened. If anything it's a classic example of what happens from the point of everything going great, descending into the point of taking a drink.

Try to recognise that pattern of events and look for ways to break that cycle. You can do that by developing a plan of what to do at each stage of the cycle. Examine your behaviour and ask yourself, at what point could I have approached this differently or what could I have done at this stage to stop the usual reaction

When something bad or unforseen happens it doesnt have to be inevitable that it ends up in you feeling you need a drink...look around the site for information on how to deal with such situations and put it into practice when you recognise that feeling coming on

Things happen when we drink, every one of us on here have done things we regret. Your relief from the guilt that you feel rests in the effort you put in to making sure it doesnt happen again.

nez

I have been known to say that, but it was BS when I said it. Drinking only added and compounded my pain and anxiety. The only way I got past my pain and anxiety was by not drinking. Then, and only then, could I start to work on solutions to my problems and issues.

I hope I don't come across as harsh because I feel for you, I have been there and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but the only thing I know to say at times like this...is my truth, my experience, what worked for me, in the hopes that it might turn out to be someone else's truth as well.

I also needed to get past the mindset that relapse is part of recovery. For me, it is part of my story, but relapse is separate from recovery. Either I am in recovery...or I am not. My relapses happened because of ME, and for no other reason.

A better way of life and feeling about yourself is out there and available. Grab it and hold on tight. You can do it and you are worth it.

MrPL

Hi Marit,

I’m sorry this happened, but maybe it’s just showing you need to address your anxiety. Mental health is important, so I encourage you to talk to your parents about what’s happening and see how you take this forward, I don’t know, maybe even take a break from school while you sort this out and face it when you are in the right mind frame to do it.

We are here for you, but as Juve said you do need to use the support you have there.

Sending you my best wishes.

Dee74

I'm sorry for everything that happened Marit.
I empathise tho - a lot of my most disastrous times happened when I decided to drink again, for whatever reason.

I've used all the excuses - a bad day, loved ones not understanding, I have a disease, dammit...but none of that consigns me to drinking forever

It was only when I stopped, for good, I got some traction and things started going my way again.
D

KeepingUp

Hey Marit! No specific advice from me, but lots of love. I had some horrific moments in college from my drinking and I relate to how bad it feels. Things do get better beyond alcohol even if it takes a minute to start feeling it really. And when you remember days like this, it can be a pretty good reminder of what the consequences of our drinking can be, except it can always get worse. Things don’t generally get worse sober I hope you get some rest and feel better. You deserve a good life.

AL48

Marit you deserve more than this and i cant imagine how down you must feel right now, but do try again you know how hard that one week was but how good it felt knowing you completed it im sure you can do it again and make it even further. Good luck, keep posting and sharing.

Delilah1

Oh Marit, I am so sorry, I remember feeling very similar when I was your age, for similar reasons. The positive is you are here and posting, and you can start again. College is stressful, and it’s going to be important for you to find a healthy outlet for yourself.

I hope you are feeling a little better tonight. Check back in when you get the chance. You can do this.

❤️Delilah

DriGuy

Most of us have a difficult start at this. My initial "fumbling" consisted of years knowing I should do something about my drinking, trying (unsuccessfully) to control my drinking, and frequent attempts to stay sober for a while. I had no real commitment to staying sober for good, just for awhile. When I tried to stay sober, I always failed on or before day three, and then it was back to weeks and weeks of drinking. Day three had my addiction screaming for alcohol. I would get edgy, find myself surrounded by excuses to drink, and then cave.

While my anxiety was probably not as bad as yours, I did have severe but short lasting panic attacks in my mid college years. After that, they were rare, but I still had them. When I quit drinking, they went away for good and I no longer feared I might even have one. I don't know if you will have the same experience, but all of us have found that drinking always makes these kinds of emotional problems worse, and offers no real relief from suffering.

Sobriety for an alcoholic is a lifelong commitment. Relapses are not recovery. I don't think they even qualify as a break from recovery. Relapses rekindle our addiction and take us back to point zero. Of course, it's hard not to relapse, but it's something we have to stop doing if we want to get better. Life is full of bad things, trauma, disappointment, fear, etc., so recovery is NOT drinking in the face of these hurdles. They don't go away just because we get sober. OK, many of them do go away, but there's lots more stuff out there beyond our control, so recovery has to include staying sober through these negative events, and as you meet that challenge, you get better at it.

I love my sobriety. I've been sober for 26 years, never a drink, never a sacrifice, and I have continually become more and more satisfied with my life. Where you are right now trying to find your way to the beginning of recovery, was the hard part, but when I committed for life, which was very early on, things got easier in a hurry. Your problems won't all go away, but with time, you will find you gain something that feels like mastery, and there's a lot of self confidence that comes from that.

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend. All I can say is that we have all been there, and those that haven't will be soon. I really hope you latch onto being a non-drinker. It's surprisingly very rewarding. I had no idea I would enjoy it as much as I do.

FlyingDutchMan

Ahhh dear Marit, sorry to read it all became too much for you. Can’t say I haven’t been there many times myself, although I do not struggle with anxiety in a way you seem to. I hope you’re feeling a little better and I hope you will continue to visit this forum. The support is pretty much unconditional and there’s a lot of experienced and wise people around. Take care!

marit3303

Tomorrow I start again. I don't really know what to say, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while because I've been killing my body with substances and my insides feel like garbage. I'm tired of feeling like garbage. But more specifically, I don't want to feel this feeling ever again and I need to stop making bad decisions. I've been mindlessly hooking up with people just to seek a fraction of the validation and love that my boyfriend gave me. I know it doesn't work in the long run, but it's just another addiction I have I guess.

Juve

So glad and relieved to see you here again, marit. I am grateful you're starting again. You know, one thing I hate about relapses is that they try to trick me into thinking all this recovery work has been in vain. But that's not true.

Will you see your therapist again soon?

Let's all recover and heal.

Johannes

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back Marit - it shows you really want change, I think
Why not take a look at our February support thread. Its for everyone quitting this month - all you need to do to join is post in it

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-one-3.html