Life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,353
Life
I’m the 52 yo runner/cyclist/scientist who got hit by a truck while cycling last month. My recuperation has been slow but very steady. Walking pretty well now. I got the 46 staples removed from my leg last week. I suffered a decent concussion and my discharge instructions say to abstain from alcohol.
I don’t have any siblings. And my cousins and I are very close. They have offered their support to me after my accident. My one cousin is a phenomenal cyclist and he was the soul reason that I started biking in the first place. Last Tuesday they found him clipped into his bike and dead on the side of the road. We are waiting for an autopsy but we think that it was a massive heart attack. We’re beyond heart broken. He was the picture of health. I used his death as an excuse to drink again. As you guys know I’m a binge drinker. I drink a lot in one night. And then I don’t drink for a while. But it’s killing me. I am so embarrassed by my behavior. I’m so weird.
I feel like I’m two completely different people. There’s the normal me who has a lot of friends is very socially active well-read, runner, diver, cyclist and happy. I think that ppl would say that I’m refined and elegant. And there is this other person that really enjoys drinking a bottle and a half of wine at night by herself watching television. And passing out. It’s just so strange. I hide it from my friends so well. I could understand maybe being around people or at a bar or restaurant and getting drunk. But to do it by yourself over and over alone doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s almost like a sneeze. It’s something that I feel compelled to do. Especially after my cousin died in such in a timely fashion. But then I always have an excuse.
Who gets drunk alone at home alone? I wind up feeling so awful the next day. I swear I wish that I had an allergy to alcohol. My poor dogs are so neglected. I haven’t played with them.
Thank you for listening.
I don’t have any siblings. And my cousins and I are very close. They have offered their support to me after my accident. My one cousin is a phenomenal cyclist and he was the soul reason that I started biking in the first place. Last Tuesday they found him clipped into his bike and dead on the side of the road. We are waiting for an autopsy but we think that it was a massive heart attack. We’re beyond heart broken. He was the picture of health. I used his death as an excuse to drink again. As you guys know I’m a binge drinker. I drink a lot in one night. And then I don’t drink for a while. But it’s killing me. I am so embarrassed by my behavior. I’m so weird.
I feel like I’m two completely different people. There’s the normal me who has a lot of friends is very socially active well-read, runner, diver, cyclist and happy. I think that ppl would say that I’m refined and elegant. And there is this other person that really enjoys drinking a bottle and a half of wine at night by herself watching television. And passing out. It’s just so strange. I hide it from my friends so well. I could understand maybe being around people or at a bar or restaurant and getting drunk. But to do it by yourself over and over alone doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s almost like a sneeze. It’s something that I feel compelled to do. Especially after my cousin died in such in a timely fashion. But then I always have an excuse.
Who gets drunk alone at home alone? I wind up feeling so awful the next day. I swear I wish that I had an allergy to alcohol. My poor dogs are so neglected. I haven’t played with them.
Thank you for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry for your loss pekelover.
I was a fine upstanding helpful guy.
I didn't even like drinking in the beginning.
I never thought I would like drinking enough to binge alone but I did.
I never thought I would progress to all day drinking either and ruin that public facade but I did that too.
This addiction thing can take anyone down - strong or not, old or young, rich or poor.
Shame is a useless emotion when fighting this.
Forget about feeling ashamed - be proud you're fighting this and be confident its a fight you'll win.
Its really smart of you to want to fight this before things get worse.
Make a plan.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post5314914 (Recovery Programs & What to Expect (What We Did))
Fight this with all you've got.
D
I was a fine upstanding helpful guy.
I didn't even like drinking in the beginning.
I never thought I would like drinking enough to binge alone but I did.
I never thought I would progress to all day drinking either and ruin that public facade but I did that too.
This addiction thing can take anyone down - strong or not, old or young, rich or poor.
Shame is a useless emotion when fighting this.
Forget about feeling ashamed - be proud you're fighting this and be confident its a fight you'll win.
Its really smart of you to want to fight this before things get worse.
Make a plan.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post5314914 (Recovery Programs & What to Expect (What We Did))
Fight this with all you've got.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
And so you did Peke. Very positive!
That's a lot of trauma for a girl to endure Peke. I'm so very sorry.
Do you think it might help to see a counsellor, psychologist? You have been through a lot.
Whatever you decide I hope you continue to come here to talk about it. Also hope you get back to being sober, it is sooo much better.
Hugs peke
That's a lot of trauma for a girl to endure Peke. I'm so very sorry.
Do you think it might help to see a counsellor, psychologist? You have been through a lot.
Whatever you decide I hope you continue to come here to talk about it. Also hope you get back to being sober, it is sooo much better.
Hugs peke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,353
Dee and Steely,
Thank you for being so kind and for not being judgmental.
I work as an editor now. So I’m home a lot. Now with my accident I’m sitting on the sofa a lot. I’m going for hour long walks with friends. I’m doing ab classes and weight lifting.
I miss running.
That's funny Dee: I didn’t like drinking either at first.
Steely I love the idea of seeing a therapist. I might try to do that.
Thank you both. Sorry I’ve let you down. Again
Waking up hungover is awful. I can’t find my glasses either. I spilled water all over the floor. Class act.
I’ll fight Dee.
Thank you for being so kind and for not being judgmental.
I work as an editor now. So I’m home a lot. Now with my accident I’m sitting on the sofa a lot. I’m going for hour long walks with friends. I’m doing ab classes and weight lifting.
I miss running.
That's funny Dee: I didn’t like drinking either at first.
Steely I love the idea of seeing a therapist. I might try to do that.
Thank you both. Sorry I’ve let you down. Again
Waking up hungover is awful. I can’t find my glasses either. I spilled water all over the floor. Class act.
I’ll fight Dee.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
'I’m so weird.'
no, you're really not...you have a drinking problem..theres hundreds (thousands) of us here who are exactly the same
'And there is this other person that really enjoys drinking a bottle and a half of wine at night by herself watching television. And passing out. It’s just so strange.'
Is it really?...drinking a bottle and a half of wine will do that to you...it's not strange at all
I think youre struggling to understand what makes you different from those who dont use alcohol the way you do.
Whats different is that you use alcohol as a solution. And it's unwise not to realise that. The way youre using alcohol right now means that alcohol is not the problem...it's the solution.. and look how well it works. It's practically guaranteed that you pass out after your self administered dose. Drop the mysticism... this isnt some magic potion, it does exactly what it says it's going to do.
The problem with using alcohol as a solution is the fall out from it. Physical addiction, psychological addiction, damage to health, work, relationships, loss of income, damage to self esteem, self worth, reputation, the list is as refillable as that bottle of wine.
For me, I had to get real and tackle the reasons why I drank in the first place. I also had to realise that the habit of drinking was so entrenched that even if I do address my angst, alcohol could never be an option again.
no, you're really not...you have a drinking problem..theres hundreds (thousands) of us here who are exactly the same
'And there is this other person that really enjoys drinking a bottle and a half of wine at night by herself watching television. And passing out. It’s just so strange.'
Is it really?...drinking a bottle and a half of wine will do that to you...it's not strange at all
I think youre struggling to understand what makes you different from those who dont use alcohol the way you do.
Whats different is that you use alcohol as a solution. And it's unwise not to realise that. The way youre using alcohol right now means that alcohol is not the problem...it's the solution.. and look how well it works. It's practically guaranteed that you pass out after your self administered dose. Drop the mysticism... this isnt some magic potion, it does exactly what it says it's going to do.
The problem with using alcohol as a solution is the fall out from it. Physical addiction, psychological addiction, damage to health, work, relationships, loss of income, damage to self esteem, self worth, reputation, the list is as refillable as that bottle of wine.
For me, I had to get real and tackle the reasons why I drank in the first place. I also had to realise that the habit of drinking was so entrenched that even if I do address my angst, alcohol could never be an option again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Pekelover,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand why it drove you to drink, specially in these early recovery stages we are more volatile.
The point is we all have this illusion drink will help, but it doesn’t.
This is surely a very difficult time for you, but do try and think about how else you can face this. Maybe talk to someone, or get closer to your other cousins so you can support each other?
My best wishes to you, and well done for coming here instead of drinking today. For now you know you can do the same tomorrow.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand why it drove you to drink, specially in these early recovery stages we are more volatile.
The point is we all have this illusion drink will help, but it doesn’t.
This is surely a very difficult time for you, but do try and think about how else you can face this. Maybe talk to someone, or get closer to your other cousins so you can support each other?
My best wishes to you, and well done for coming here instead of drinking today. For now you know you can do the same tomorrow.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Pekelover2 
Who gets drunk alone at home alone?
As for wishing you had an allergy to alcohol, perhaps you do. This from the big book of AA:
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all;
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I'm so sorry about your cousin Pekelover. So awful. I hope you and your cousins can grieve together and shower each other with love and begin to heal.
I think in one of your early posts here on SR, it was observed that addiction feeds with particular zeal on the accomplished, the gifted, the exceptional. Us addicts are deeply skilled at setting up coping mechanisms (all doomed to fail of course) to deal with physical and mental challenges that come in all their forms and we are in the habit of beating our heads against a wall until we've started to bleed. Your observations about your accomplishments, including being elegant and refined, don't do a damn thing for you in this fight. If anything, those qualities can act as a hindrance to acceptance. How could I - so special in every way - be doing this to myself???
Do everything you have to do to stay sober Pekelover. I agree with others that encourage you to get some grief counseling. With your own bike accident and your dear cousin's death, along with coming to terms with addiction, you've been through a huge amount of trauma in the recent past.
I think in one of your early posts here on SR, it was observed that addiction feeds with particular zeal on the accomplished, the gifted, the exceptional. Us addicts are deeply skilled at setting up coping mechanisms (all doomed to fail of course) to deal with physical and mental challenges that come in all their forms and we are in the habit of beating our heads against a wall until we've started to bleed. Your observations about your accomplishments, including being elegant and refined, don't do a damn thing for you in this fight. If anything, those qualities can act as a hindrance to acceptance. How could I - so special in every way - be doing this to myself???
Do everything you have to do to stay sober Pekelover. I agree with others that encourage you to get some grief counseling. With your own bike accident and your dear cousin's death, along with coming to terms with addiction, you've been through a huge amount of trauma in the recent past.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,339
Normal brains get addicted to alcohol, because alcohol is addictive. You’re brain is absolutely smart, wonderful, elegant, like the rest of us. No one is ALLERGIC, but many have addiction to it.
I agree with the post from Triggered, they said it so very well.
I can’t believe the trauma you have endured, and we are sooooo glad you are back.
Please, no embarrassment. We don’t need more shame from others with our own self loathing on board, right?
There are many resources to help you, if you’d really really like to be sober more than you’d like to have these poisonous evenings.
The alcohol did not bring your cousin back, or did it erase your accident.
I really like the book, Alcohol Explained. It might help you a lot to understand the behavior of the brain, and the physiology of addiction. With a masters in science myself, I highly recommend it.
Hugs, Peke ❤️🤓
I agree with the post from Triggered, they said it so very well.
I can’t believe the trauma you have endured, and we are sooooo glad you are back.
Please, no embarrassment. We don’t need more shame from others with our own self loathing on board, right?
There are many resources to help you, if you’d really really like to be sober more than you’d like to have these poisonous evenings.
The alcohol did not bring your cousin back, or did it erase your accident.
I really like the book, Alcohol Explained. It might help you a lot to understand the behavior of the brain, and the physiology of addiction. With a masters in science myself, I highly recommend it.
Hugs, Peke ❤️🤓
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
I'm so sorry for both your accident and your cousins death, both big losses. I didn't like drinking either and used to sneakily pour it in potted plants at parties....oh those poor plants !
Of course as my tolerance grew I drank more and by myself was my favorite way to drink. I still remember the first time I drank an entire bottle of wine....I was so surprised. Later that grew to be my rationalization......" Well I didn't drink the whole bottle, so I'm good ."
You mentioned a couple things that are important to you.....your physical recovery and the care of your dogs, so include them in your recovery plan.
Of course as my tolerance grew I drank more and by myself was my favorite way to drink. I still remember the first time I drank an entire bottle of wine....I was so surprised. Later that grew to be my rationalization......" Well I didn't drink the whole bottle, so I'm good ."
You mentioned a couple things that are important to you.....your physical recovery and the care of your dogs, so include them in your recovery plan.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Really sorry for your loss, Peke, as well as your own injuries. I’m a cyclist so can relate. The book Free recommends is definitely a good one, as is AVRT - learning to recognize the AV (addictive voice) and source of the urge to drink (physical urge from our mid-brain) is critical to dismissing those thoughts. I also find it helpful to check in on how I’m feeling during the day so i don't get too far out of balance. Don't feel ashamed, you're dealing with addiction, which manifests in different ways but ends up in the same place if we don't address it. Shame is a killer and holds us in our addiction. Glad you're on the mend and back here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,353
I can’t thank you all *enough* for your in-depth replies. There was so much to take in.
I feel silly for how I describe my drinking. I guess there’s nothing that unusual or remarkable about it. I don’t know any alcoholics (except ones that I’ve seen in movies). My husband drinks quite a bit. But he’s somewhat in control. (That’s another story).
Advbike- I know you can relate to how difficult it is to be sitting here recuperating. Exercising is the one reason that I probably don’t drink more than I already do. My cousin was giving me kudos on strava for doing the simplest activity (like walking my dogs). It was such great support. I miss him terribly. But I will stay on course.
driguy- short, sweet and to the point. Thank you!!
dog- I think I’m that clearly in denial about my being an alcoholic. That’s safe to say. Sorry.
MrPL- thank you for your lovely words of support. I appreciate what you wrote.
Thanks Dropsie for your reply
Pondlady- I need to make my dogs and my health a priority. Lately I’ve been able to work out again with free weights. And I’m able to do my abs. Small gains!!
Free- thank you so much for what you wrote. Thank you for making me feel welcome. I’m so excited to feel sober again. The book sounds great. I will try to order it off of Amazon. I know that alcohol won’t turn back time. I have to face these challenges sober. I was such a mess the other night. I woke up with my iPad on my stomach and a glass tipped over on the
coffee table. It was full of wine still. Thank gosh the dogs didn’t lap it up. I was also dog sitting for a friend who was on vacation. What if her dog had drank it?
surrendered- maybe I misspoke. I’m probably not elegant and refined. But I know I’m not a sloppy, disorganized and unkempt mess. And that’s who I am when I drink. I become a mess. It’s as if my real self is hiding somewhere else. I teeter around the house doing weird stuff like cooking. Thank gosh I don’t have a home nest camera. I’m sure that I look amazing drunk and stumbling around…
thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I wish that I had a friend (even a phone friend) that I could talk to. I really think that would help a lot. We have AA here. I went to OA here too. Maybe I’ll meet someone locally who is going thru this too.
triggered- you’re absolutely right. I’m using alcohol as a coping mechanism. In my mind, I’ve been equating it with legitimate coping mechanisms like exercise. Alcohol is not exercise. Or I’ll see a friend on Facebook drinking whisky (ewww) and I’ll think, well at least I don’t drink the hard stuff. But I’m using alcohol as an emotional aid. And that’s not healthy. I’m scared. But I’m also very tired. I’m tired of losing time. Drinking is soooo time consuming. I lose hours, even half a day the next day. Thank you for your help and insightfulness.
I feel silly for how I describe my drinking. I guess there’s nothing that unusual or remarkable about it. I don’t know any alcoholics (except ones that I’ve seen in movies). My husband drinks quite a bit. But he’s somewhat in control. (That’s another story).
Advbike- I know you can relate to how difficult it is to be sitting here recuperating. Exercising is the one reason that I probably don’t drink more than I already do. My cousin was giving me kudos on strava for doing the simplest activity (like walking my dogs). It was such great support. I miss him terribly. But I will stay on course.
driguy- short, sweet and to the point. Thank you!!
dog- I think I’m that clearly in denial about my being an alcoholic. That’s safe to say. Sorry.
MrPL- thank you for your lovely words of support. I appreciate what you wrote.
Thanks Dropsie for your reply
Pondlady- I need to make my dogs and my health a priority. Lately I’ve been able to work out again with free weights. And I’m able to do my abs. Small gains!!
Free- thank you so much for what you wrote. Thank you for making me feel welcome. I’m so excited to feel sober again. The book sounds great. I will try to order it off of Amazon. I know that alcohol won’t turn back time. I have to face these challenges sober. I was such a mess the other night. I woke up with my iPad on my stomach and a glass tipped over on the
coffee table. It was full of wine still. Thank gosh the dogs didn’t lap it up. I was also dog sitting for a friend who was on vacation. What if her dog had drank it?
surrendered- maybe I misspoke. I’m probably not elegant and refined. But I know I’m not a sloppy, disorganized and unkempt mess. And that’s who I am when I drink. I become a mess. It’s as if my real self is hiding somewhere else. I teeter around the house doing weird stuff like cooking. Thank gosh I don’t have a home nest camera. I’m sure that I look amazing drunk and stumbling around…
thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I wish that I had a friend (even a phone friend) that I could talk to. I really think that would help a lot. We have AA here. I went to OA here too. Maybe I’ll meet someone locally who is going thru this too.
triggered- you’re absolutely right. I’m using alcohol as a coping mechanism. In my mind, I’ve been equating it with legitimate coping mechanisms like exercise. Alcohol is not exercise. Or I’ll see a friend on Facebook drinking whisky (ewww) and I’ll think, well at least I don’t drink the hard stuff. But I’m using alcohol as an emotional aid. And that’s not healthy. I’m scared. But I’m also very tired. I’m tired of losing time. Drinking is soooo time consuming. I lose hours, even half a day the next day. Thank you for your help and insightfulness.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
It's good to see you Peke and to know that your physical injuries are healing. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your cousin.
I drank at home alone, by myself, always. I never drank in public. It's an obsession and compulsion, and for me, for a few years I was totally caught up in it.
We're here for you.
Try to come up with a plan for what to do the next time you feel compelled to drink, and follow through. Make a realistic plan that will work for you. It will be hard, but doable.
I drank at home alone, by myself, always. I never drank in public. It's an obsession and compulsion, and for me, for a few years I was totally caught up in it.
We're here for you.
Try to come up with a plan for what to do the next time you feel compelled to drink, and follow through. Make a realistic plan that will work for you. It will be hard, but doable. Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Peke - I'm so glad to see you.
You are not as unusual as you think. I drank alone too - especially at the end of my drinking years. I even carried it with me sometimes.
It changed my personality completely - I did and said shameful things that I can't even believe. It turned me into a completely different person - an irresponsible, reckless person. Nothing like the real me. So you are in good company. We all understand like no one else can. Stay with us.
You are not as unusual as you think. I drank alone too - especially at the end of my drinking years. I even carried it with me sometimes.
It changed my personality completely - I did and said shameful things that I can't even believe. It turned me into a completely different person - an irresponsible, reckless person. Nothing like the real me. So you are in good company. We all understand like no one else can. Stay with us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Not for a moment did I feel let down Peke.
All that I thought was that you're doing exceptionally well given all that has happened.
You just got hit in the head with a truck Peke. Be more kind to yourself.
Get back to being sober and getting well again. All that counts.
All that I thought was that you're doing exceptionally well given all that has happened.
You just got hit in the head with a truck Peke. Be more kind to yourself.
Get back to being sober and getting well again. All that counts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Peke,
I am so sorry for all you have been through lately, your accident, and the loss of your cousin is a lot. I am really glad you came here and posted tonight instead of drinking, that is a big positive.
I am married snd have three kids, but when I was drinking I would take my bottle of wine to my room, or another room by myself and drink alone most nights. I think many of us did exactly what you described. I am now six years sober, and so much happier, life is much better without the fog/anxiety alcohol brings. There are still some difficult days, but I’ve learned healthy ways to deal with them.
Keep posting before you think about drinking, you’ve got this!
❤️Delilah
I am so sorry for all you have been through lately, your accident, and the loss of your cousin is a lot. I am really glad you came here and posted tonight instead of drinking, that is a big positive.
I am married snd have three kids, but when I was drinking I would take my bottle of wine to my room, or another room by myself and drink alone most nights. I think many of us did exactly what you described. I am now six years sober, and so much happier, life is much better without the fog/anxiety alcohol brings. There are still some difficult days, but I’ve learned healthy ways to deal with them.
Keep posting before you think about drinking, you’ve got this!
❤️Delilah
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