How have you all dealt with telling people? Should I?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 4
How have you all dealt with telling people? Should I?
I'm a binge drinker and a couple of times a year I'd say I will drink for a few days when things are getting on top of me. We've got a lot of stress atm.
No-one aside from my immediate family know anything about it but they know I go awol and I have a couple of friends groups that notice and start checking up on me after a couple of days. One in particular contacted my sister this week to ask her to check on me. I have screwed up again. It was a bad one and lasted 5 days. I am very vague about what I tell them and they must know that I'm fobbing them off.
I don't know how to deal with it. I don't really want them to know because once it's out there I can't take it back and they will always look at me differently. And you never know it might not happen again. Obviously the main goal.
I've never spoken to anyone aside from my partner about it but he's not an addict so has no clue. My mum comes round to help him deal with me but other than that she doesn't mention it. I am thinking about paying privately to see an addiction councillor but it's expensive and we are currently coping with my partners redundancy. He is struggling to find another job.
I really don't want to do AA so that's not an option.
How have you all dealt with this? Are you open about it or keep it quiet?
No-one aside from my immediate family know anything about it but they know I go awol and I have a couple of friends groups that notice and start checking up on me after a couple of days. One in particular contacted my sister this week to ask her to check on me. I have screwed up again. It was a bad one and lasted 5 days. I am very vague about what I tell them and they must know that I'm fobbing them off.
I don't know how to deal with it. I don't really want them to know because once it's out there I can't take it back and they will always look at me differently. And you never know it might not happen again. Obviously the main goal.
I've never spoken to anyone aside from my partner about it but he's not an addict so has no clue. My mum comes round to help him deal with me but other than that she doesn't mention it. I am thinking about paying privately to see an addiction councillor but it's expensive and we are currently coping with my partners redundancy. He is struggling to find another job.
I really don't want to do AA so that's not an option.
How have you all dealt with this? Are you open about it or keep it quiet?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Cathjane. It's certainly difficult to talk about, and you've found a great community of people who understand exactly where you are coming from.
I can tell you that from experience, it's very likely that other people already know about your problem. Our addiction is pretty clever at making us think that we are hiding it all well, but in reality people notice how we look, smell and act when we are in the throes of drinking. Having said that, I did not make any concerted effort to tell people myself. Instead, I just made a plan to quit drinking and live my life without alcohol. As long as that plan works for me, the results speak for themselves.
Having said that, the real hard part is telling yourself - and accepting your addiction for what it is. I am only assuming but is it your intention to quit drinking for good?
I can tell you that from experience, it's very likely that other people already know about your problem. Our addiction is pretty clever at making us think that we are hiding it all well, but in reality people notice how we look, smell and act when we are in the throes of drinking. Having said that, I did not make any concerted effort to tell people myself. Instead, I just made a plan to quit drinking and live my life without alcohol. As long as that plan works for me, the results speak for themselves.
Having said that, the real hard part is telling yourself - and accepting your addiction for what it is. I am only assuming but is it your intention to quit drinking for good?
Last edited by ScottFromWI; 01-07-2022 at 09:31 AM.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome!
I think it's important to remember that you have no obligation to tell friends or family about your alcoholism, unless you choose to. For me, recovery is a very personal journey. Obviously my husband and children know about it, but I don't talk about it often. If you feel sure that people will support you, then talking about it could be helpful. But, alcoholism is hard for others to understand and people do judge.
I hope you're ready to stop drinking.
I think it's important to remember that you have no obligation to tell friends or family about your alcoholism, unless you choose to. For me, recovery is a very personal journey. Obviously my husband and children know about it, but I don't talk about it often. If you feel sure that people will support you, then talking about it could be helpful. But, alcoholism is hard for others to understand and people do judge.
I hope you're ready to stop drinking.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I only told a few close family that I had a problem. Anyone else, I just told them I'd quit drinking cause it didn't agree with me and was bad for my health.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 4
Thank you. I dont drink around anyone, I do it at home at night when my family are in bed. I dont want them to see me like that and I'll sleep it off in the day.
I absolutely do want to stop but i just cant seem to stop doing it.
Im not sure they would understand. I know how hard it must be for people who are not addicts to get it. Its the stigma of it. I often drive when I go out with them anyway.
I absolutely do want to stop but i just cant seem to stop doing it.
Im not sure they would understand. I know how hard it must be for people who are not addicts to get it. Its the stigma of it. I often drive when I go out with them anyway.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,597
My drinking was secret and so was my recovery. Even Mrs. Tiles doesn't know about what I went through, even though I was a full blown alcoholic when we first started dating. Only you fine people know about how far I fell and about my recovery. I figure people don't need to know every gory detail of my life and the world just isn't that interested anyway!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
You don't have to tell anyone anything.
I'm 10 years sober and still not made any massive announcements or sobriety for life speeches.
It's my business and after a certain length of time, folk stop asking anyway.
I always see it as my battle and I will fit it quietly and as I see fit.
However I am sure there are lots of witnesses to my drunken behaviour who don't need an explanation.
They have probably made their own mind up without me helping them.
Some of the nicest, caring, straight talking, knowledgeable people were those that I met at AA.
Don't write it off yet.
In the UK most AA meetings are by Zoom due to the pandemic.
You can access them easily and I found lots of similarities with my drinking habits when I listened to what they had to say.
Might be helpful for you too.
You don't have to join forever or swear lifelong membership - just have a desire to stop drinking.
I'm 10 years sober and still not made any massive announcements or sobriety for life speeches.
It's my business and after a certain length of time, folk stop asking anyway.
I always see it as my battle and I will fit it quietly and as I see fit.
However I am sure there are lots of witnesses to my drunken behaviour who don't need an explanation.
They have probably made their own mind up without me helping them.
Some of the nicest, caring, straight talking, knowledgeable people were those that I met at AA.
Don't write it off yet.
In the UK most AA meetings are by Zoom due to the pandemic.
You can access them easily and I found lots of similarities with my drinking habits when I listened to what they had to say.
Might be helpful for you too.
You don't have to join forever or swear lifelong membership - just have a desire to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,924
Entirely up to you. I told friends as they’d buy me drinks otherwise. They were 100% supportive.
Apart from possible embarrassment at refusing an alcoholic drink, it’s not a big deal. If anyone laughed at me for not drinking or said I was boring, weak or whatever, I’d feel sympathy for that person. A friend might express shock at first, but they’ll only ever applaud your decision.
Apart from possible embarrassment at refusing an alcoholic drink, it’s not a big deal. If anyone laughed at me for not drinking or said I was boring, weak or whatever, I’d feel sympathy for that person. A friend might express shock at first, but they’ll only ever applaud your decision.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 83
Hi Cathjane!
Wishing you support as you reflect on what your next steps will be. When I quit, I only told my husband directly (it was not the first time I'd quit and he was well aware that my drinking was problematic) and our two closest friends that we'd hang with a lot realized without me saying anything why I'd stop, and to their credit never made a big deal about it even though we'd drank a lot with them over the years. I'm three years sober now and it's really just this past year that I've been opening up about it more with some friends. Not any huge announcements, I had a few friends ask since they hadn't seen me drink in a while, a few others I told at a moment that seemed opportune and I felt up to. But you don't have to tell anyone anything! What's most important is how YOU feel and what you're telling yourself. I hope you're telling yourself, "I got this!" and starting to build up your toolbox or the next time you consider picking up a drink. I too was a binge drinker and I know it's easy to feel like it's not a problem since we don't drink every day... but those binges can be very dangerous, at least they were for me. You've got a great community here, thank you for sharing with us. <3
Wishing you support as you reflect on what your next steps will be. When I quit, I only told my husband directly (it was not the first time I'd quit and he was well aware that my drinking was problematic) and our two closest friends that we'd hang with a lot realized without me saying anything why I'd stop, and to their credit never made a big deal about it even though we'd drank a lot with them over the years. I'm three years sober now and it's really just this past year that I've been opening up about it more with some friends. Not any huge announcements, I had a few friends ask since they hadn't seen me drink in a while, a few others I told at a moment that seemed opportune and I felt up to. But you don't have to tell anyone anything! What's most important is how YOU feel and what you're telling yourself. I hope you're telling yourself, "I got this!" and starting to build up your toolbox or the next time you consider picking up a drink. I too was a binge drinker and I know it's easy to feel like it's not a problem since we don't drink every day... but those binges can be very dangerous, at least they were for me. You've got a great community here, thank you for sharing with us. <3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 4
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I just looked and I joined here in 2004. I do come back periodically. At one time I posted quite a lot.
I was in a bad way back then. Much worse than now. But 2 close pregnancies back to back (they are 12 and 14 now) forced me to sober up and now it's just these binges.
I have had conversations with a couple of them actually about drinking and how I hate the anxiety it gives me the next day and they both agreed with me. One of them now drinks non alcoholic stuff and she went on a big health kick in lockdown and same with another. She didn't drink at home before then so now being able to go out stopped her.'
I was in a bad way back then. Much worse than now. But 2 close pregnancies back to back (they are 12 and 14 now) forced me to sober up and now it's just these binges.
I have had conversations with a couple of them actually about drinking and how I hate the anxiety it gives me the next day and they both agreed with me. One of them now drinks non alcoholic stuff and she went on a big health kick in lockdown and same with another. She didn't drink at home before then so now being able to go out stopped her.'
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Welcome back cathjane 
Some people need to tell others. My life was all about drinking and my circle of day to day friends drank like I did.I had to change that life in order to stay stopped and for me that meant telling people.
Like Scott said, people knew anyway- Even the ones outside that drinking circle.
Other people have not found it necessary to say much at all.
If this has been stopping you from committing completely to quitting drinking I wouldn’t worry about it.
I think it’s far more important, as Biminiblue said, to quit and sort out the details later?
D
Some people need to tell others. My life was all about drinking and my circle of day to day friends drank like I did.I had to change that life in order to stay stopped and for me that meant telling people.
Like Scott said, people knew anyway- Even the ones outside that drinking circle.
Other people have not found it necessary to say much at all.
If this has been stopping you from committing completely to quitting drinking I wouldn’t worry about it.
I think it’s far more important, as Biminiblue said, to quit and sort out the details later?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,540
I think it might be a good idea to see an addictions counsellor. Drinking secretly, holding the view that it may never happen again, disappear like magic, sounds a very lonely journey to me. Sounds a bit like avoidance. I think you need to talk about it with someone.
I don't think you have to tell Everyman and has dog about it, but think it's important to start to make it real. A counsellor could be the beginning for you.
Seems to me that you really don't want to face it, accept it. There's got to be something going on to have you disappear on a five day binge. Talking with someone might have you find what that thing is.
If you decide to not talk with someone I hope you will continue to return here regularly.
I don't think you have to tell Everyman and has dog about it, but think it's important to start to make it real. A counsellor could be the beginning for you.
Seems to me that you really don't want to face it, accept it. There's got to be something going on to have you disappear on a five day binge. Talking with someone might have you find what that thing is.
If you decide to not talk with someone I hope you will continue to return here regularly.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
I dealt with it by stopping drinking..... and as Steely mentioned, by not talking about it the first, (second, third, fourth) time I thought I was "serious" I was leaving the door to drinking WIDE OPEN, and I walked right back through it. So, I guess it's up to you, the telling people anything is not the important part, what is your plan for the rest of your life? Binge drinking isn't going to get better, it will progress to more steady drinking in time and then it's not going to be a matter of telling anyone, it's going to be dealing with the ramifications of long-term alcoholism. Since you've been here since 2004, you know this already. Now is as good a time to stop as any, and you have some excellent advice and support right here waiting for you. Good luck, hope to see you here a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 4
Thank you. It's been a long journey for me but I agree I should speak to someone I think.
It's not a pretty story and with 25 years of it there are horror stories as I'm sure you can imagine. I was one of those who was addicted as soon as I had my first drink. I was an anxious child and everything scared me and made me nervous (I can see this looking back but of course 30 years ago no-one spoke about mental health) and I just self medicated. I did try to go on antabuse at one point but at the time I couldn't stay off it for more than a couple of weeks so couldn;t qualify but now I can go months without a drink.
My eldest child who is 25 really saw the worst of me and he is now having mental health problems of his own which I blame myself for. My younger 2 not so much as they just see me "ill" in bed sleeping during the day but I'm not naive enough to think they don't know. I built a life around them that kept me very busy. I'm actually highly qualified in the field I work in.
I know my pattern now. I'll be worried about things, I've not been sleeping and have spent months wide awake at 3 in the morning unable to sleep. The idea of that relief of a drink will creep in and and I'll ignore it for a long time. Eventually it gets too much and I'll think sod it and a couple of days later (or 5 after this latest one) I'll come out of it. I will have neglected work and my kids, housework etc and then dealing with the physical stuff. It was so bad this time I'm still feeling brain fogged and my heart rate is only just coming back to normal (that really scares me because of the risk of stroke). I last drank in the early hours of Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and it's now Saturday. I have tested positive for Covid this week though so that won't be helping either.
Thanks again for your comments. Going back to my initial question I don't think I want people knowing and it will become widely known if I mention it to anyone so for now I'll just keep them speculating.
It's not a pretty story and with 25 years of it there are horror stories as I'm sure you can imagine. I was one of those who was addicted as soon as I had my first drink. I was an anxious child and everything scared me and made me nervous (I can see this looking back but of course 30 years ago no-one spoke about mental health) and I just self medicated. I did try to go on antabuse at one point but at the time I couldn't stay off it for more than a couple of weeks so couldn;t qualify but now I can go months without a drink.
My eldest child who is 25 really saw the worst of me and he is now having mental health problems of his own which I blame myself for. My younger 2 not so much as they just see me "ill" in bed sleeping during the day but I'm not naive enough to think they don't know. I built a life around them that kept me very busy. I'm actually highly qualified in the field I work in.
I know my pattern now. I'll be worried about things, I've not been sleeping and have spent months wide awake at 3 in the morning unable to sleep. The idea of that relief of a drink will creep in and and I'll ignore it for a long time. Eventually it gets too much and I'll think sod it and a couple of days later (or 5 after this latest one) I'll come out of it. I will have neglected work and my kids, housework etc and then dealing with the physical stuff. It was so bad this time I'm still feeling brain fogged and my heart rate is only just coming back to normal (that really scares me because of the risk of stroke). I last drank in the early hours of Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and it's now Saturday. I have tested positive for Covid this week though so that won't be helping either.
Thanks again for your comments. Going back to my initial question I don't think I want people knowing and it will become widely known if I mention it to anyone so for now I'll just keep them speculating.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,924
People will speculate regardless. I reckon I can spot a drinker. If it’s not their physical appearance, it’s the mood swings or issues with reliability. That’s just my opinion, and I’m
sure there are problem drinkers out there who appear OK.
You mentioned being worried about a stroke. Alcohol definitely increases heart rate and can increase blood pressure which is a main cause of strokes. My BP was crazy, 170/ at times, but now it’s ridiculously low, often 110/60. That was from stopping drinking and losing the weight. I’d concern yourself more with your health rather than what to tell anyone or what they think.
sure there are problem drinkers out there who appear OK.
You mentioned being worried about a stroke. Alcohol definitely increases heart rate and can increase blood pressure which is a main cause of strokes. My BP was crazy, 170/ at times, but now it’s ridiculously low, often 110/60. That was from stopping drinking and losing the weight. I’d concern yourself more with your health rather than what to tell anyone or what they think.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,158
What you share with others is up to you, and I understand the issue, because I struggled with it too, but just a little. The problem is that it is not dealing with the problem. Stop drinking, and what you tell others becomes irrelevant. You will still need to decide if you want to talk about it with others, but at least putting your focus on the real issue is where it belongs. That makes you well.
Obviously, you are dealing with shame. That is an outcome of alcoholism. Fix the problem by fixing your addiction, and of course that requires never drinking. It seems like a bitter pill now, but it turns out to be rewarding like I never believed possible.
Obviously, you are dealing with shame. That is an outcome of alcoholism. Fix the problem by fixing your addiction, and of course that requires never drinking. It seems like a bitter pill now, but it turns out to be rewarding like I never believed possible.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
I have not told anyone except my husband, but honesty was absolutely central to everything else happening. I could not be honest if I kept drinking and I could not be honest if I did not explain why I had quit to my husband. He was the only person I was lying to, drinking behind his back, hiding the bottles, etc. There was not (yet) need to do this with others although I was very very close to loose all control before I quit. As you, I drank at home and I had a very flexible work and a very disciplined life that helped me mask the drinking.
Anyway, the main point I want to make is that (in my view) honesty is necessary for recovery. Not only regarding your drinking. Honesty does not imply explaining antyhing to anyone. Most people cannot care less about why you don't drink. In 2 and a half years I never found the need to lie to anyone about it, nor to explain I was addicted. Just said I was not drinking, that's all. They can speculate if they want to; I don't think they do. Once you quit you realise many other people don't drink or drink very little. Alcohol is not important to them because the vast majority of people are not alcoholic and don't drink regularly. The only person that matters is you.
Anyway, the main point I want to make is that (in my view) honesty is necessary for recovery. Not only regarding your drinking. Honesty does not imply explaining antyhing to anyone. Most people cannot care less about why you don't drink. In 2 and a half years I never found the need to lie to anyone about it, nor to explain I was addicted. Just said I was not drinking, that's all. They can speculate if they want to; I don't think they do. Once you quit you realise many other people don't drink or drink very little. Alcohol is not important to them because the vast majority of people are not alcoholic and don't drink regularly. The only person that matters is you.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,924
Hi Backandscared, 100%. Not only do people not care about my giving up drinking, they often then talk about people they know who drink excessively or have become ill as a result of doing so. I’ve had admiration or ambivalence from others, but no one’s mocked my decision or said I could moderate, etc. As I say, a lot of drinkers are obviously drinkers. I have a brother who’s a secret drinker, and it’s as clear as day to everyone he drinks.
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