Day 13
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 10
Day 13
Almost two weeks, but today, I just feel pissed. I made it through the holidays, with people drinking and enjoying themselves around me. But today was a birthday party for a kid in the family - my wife's family. I moved to her home town fairly recently, and all of the "support", here - friends, family, etc, - is from people close to her, not to me. There are a few people who are friendly with me, but aren't really my friends. Anyway, at this birthday party, every male at the thing was drinking beer, except for me, and a guy who's basically entirely vegan/etc.. Well, I pretty much sat there, staring at the football game, and waiting for the thing to end.
Right now, I don't feel like I belong. They don't feel like family or friends, really, and they're all drinking and having a good time. Meanwhile, while I used to be able to numb the fact that I'm not "home", and not with my family, and not necessarily that social with people I don't know that well - now, I don't have that luxury. Today, it really felt like everyone could have a good time, but me, and a couple of ******* beers would have just fixed it. I know - "alcohol only masks the problem, and just because everyone else is doesn't mean you have to, and it will end up causing more problems, and it does get better" and so on - but right now, life sucks, all because I'm playing along with this no-drinking religion.
Apparently, I'm going to have to try to simply wait to just feel better, eventually. But it almost seems like that's just going to be like Stockholm syndrome, or criminal institutionalization, where the real reason I'll feel better will be that I've completely accepted having less in life - that not having something I liked and other people have is now unavoidable, and the way it will be, and "that's that".
Alright. Done with the rant. Thanks for giving me a place to bitch and moan.
Right now, I don't feel like I belong. They don't feel like family or friends, really, and they're all drinking and having a good time. Meanwhile, while I used to be able to numb the fact that I'm not "home", and not with my family, and not necessarily that social with people I don't know that well - now, I don't have that luxury. Today, it really felt like everyone could have a good time, but me, and a couple of ******* beers would have just fixed it. I know - "alcohol only masks the problem, and just because everyone else is doesn't mean you have to, and it will end up causing more problems, and it does get better" and so on - but right now, life sucks, all because I'm playing along with this no-drinking religion.
Apparently, I'm going to have to try to simply wait to just feel better, eventually. But it almost seems like that's just going to be like Stockholm syndrome, or criminal institutionalization, where the real reason I'll feel better will be that I've completely accepted having less in life - that not having something I liked and other people have is now unavoidable, and the way it will be, and "that's that".
Alright. Done with the rant. Thanks for giving me a place to bitch and moan.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I'm sorry you are feeling bad lostintheclouds. Sometimes a good rant is necessary and I think it is good to get those feelings out. Bitch and moan away is my vote.
You will not always feel like that at such gatherings. Early on, perhaps have a better plan in place for such gatherings. Sitting there suffering and waiting for it to end - wow - I have to hand it to you. MANY people would have opened a beer at that point. I'm proud of you for not doing it. But I think you could have better approaches to future events. Perhaps avoid those? If unavoidable, have an early exit strategy or start an unusual activity? At things like that now, I pull out a 1500 piece puzzle and before I know it lots of the kids and the lone vegan are at the table with me doing a puzzle.
Anyway, I'm glad you cam to SR to rant. The way you describe the day was very vivid and I'm sorry it sucked so bad.
You will not always feel like that at such gatherings. Early on, perhaps have a better plan in place for such gatherings. Sitting there suffering and waiting for it to end - wow - I have to hand it to you. MANY people would have opened a beer at that point. I'm proud of you for not doing it. But I think you could have better approaches to future events. Perhaps avoid those? If unavoidable, have an early exit strategy or start an unusual activity? At things like that now, I pull out a 1500 piece puzzle and before I know it lots of the kids and the lone vegan are at the table with me doing a puzzle.
Anyway, I'm glad you cam to SR to rant. The way you describe the day was very vivid and I'm sorry it sucked so bad.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I agree with surrendered, lostintheclouds - you're two weeks sober, recently arrived in town...this is not the best things will get.
The longer I stay sober, the more friends I meet who resonate with the real sober me - and I no longer feel self conscious about not drinking, or needing to be drunk to have a good time.
Building a new life takes time. Try to be patient
D
The longer I stay sober, the more friends I meet who resonate with the real sober me - and I no longer feel self conscious about not drinking, or needing to be drunk to have a good time.
Building a new life takes time. Try to be patient
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 70
I was really helped by reading Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol. There are a lot of great books out there but this one helped me to see that the only way to really put drinking behind me was to see how much I'm gaining from quitting instead of looking at it as giving up something precious. It's hard to stop permanently when you feel like you are missing out on the fun.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,953
Originally Posted by lostintheclouds 
Almost two weeks, but today, I just feel pissed. I made it through the holidays, with people drinking and enjoying themselves around me. But today was a birthday party for a kid in the family - my wife's family. I moved to her home town fairly recently, and all of the "support", here - friends, family, etc, - is from people close to her, not to me. There are a few people who are friendly with me, but aren't really my friends. Anyway, at this birthday party, every male at the thing was drinking beer, except for me, and a guy who's basically entirely vegan/etc.. Well, I pretty much sat there, staring at the football game, and waiting for the thing to end.
Right now, I don't feel like I belong. They don't feel like family or friends, really, and they're all drinking and having a good time. Meanwhile, while I used to be able to numb the fact that I'm not "home", and not with my family, and not necessarily that social with people I don't know that well - now, I don't have that luxury. Today, it really felt like everyone could have a good time, but me, and a couple of ******* beers would have just fixed it. I know - "alcohol only masks the problem, and just because everyone else is doesn't mean you have to, and it will end up causing more problems, and it does get better" and so on - but right now, life sucks, all because I'm playing along with this no-drinking religion.
Apparently, I'm going to have to try to simply wait to just feel better, eventually. But it almost seems like that's just going to be like Stockholm syndrome, or criminal institutionalization, where the real reason I'll feel better will be that I've completely accepted having less in life - that not having something I liked and other people have is now unavoidable, and the way it will be, and "that's that".
Alright. Done with the rant. Thanks for giving me a place to bitch and moan.
Right now, I don't feel like I belong. They don't feel like family or friends, really, and they're all drinking and having a good time. Meanwhile, while I used to be able to numb the fact that I'm not "home", and not with my family, and not necessarily that social with people I don't know that well - now, I don't have that luxury. Today, it really felt like everyone could have a good time, but me, and a couple of ******* beers would have just fixed it. I know - "alcohol only masks the problem, and just because everyone else is doesn't mean you have to, and it will end up causing more problems, and it does get better" and so on - but right now, life sucks, all because I'm playing along with this no-drinking religion.
Apparently, I'm going to have to try to simply wait to just feel better, eventually. But it almost seems like that's just going to be like Stockholm syndrome, or criminal institutionalization, where the real reason I'll feel better will be that I've completely accepted having less in life - that not having something I liked and other people have is now unavoidable, and the way it will be, and "that's that".
Alright. Done with the rant. Thanks for giving me a place to bitch and moan.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
Hi lost, quick question... why would a couple of beers have fixed it? What would have changed for you in that situation by drinking? I dont mean to sound flippant, it's a serious question.
I went to visit my wife's relations in the Philippines once, we went to a party and not a single one of them there spoke english. Wifey decided in her wisdom to leave me alone with 'the men' for 3 hours while she caught up with her friends. This was before I stopped drinking for good but couldnt drink that day as we were due to fly home a few hours later. It was excruciating.
The lesson I learned that day was to be prepared for things like this. In my case, one of my 'outs' was to let my wife know of the situation she put me in so it wouldnt happen again. Have an exit strategy, as Surrendered says, start an activity. Yes sometimes situations suck but being prepared definitely helps. For me this whole journey is about identifying situations and finding solutions. That in itself can be satisfying.
Btw.....drinking wouldnt have fixed anything for me that day other than kick the can further down the road.
I went to visit my wife's relations in the Philippines once, we went to a party and not a single one of them there spoke english. Wifey decided in her wisdom to leave me alone with 'the men' for 3 hours while she caught up with her friends. This was before I stopped drinking for good but couldnt drink that day as we were due to fly home a few hours later. It was excruciating.
The lesson I learned that day was to be prepared for things like this. In my case, one of my 'outs' was to let my wife know of the situation she put me in so it wouldnt happen again. Have an exit strategy, as Surrendered says, start an activity. Yes sometimes situations suck but being prepared definitely helps. For me this whole journey is about identifying situations and finding solutions. That in itself can be satisfying.
Btw.....drinking wouldnt have fixed anything for me that day other than kick the can further down the road.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by Triggered
I went to visit my wife's relations in the Philippines once, we went to a party and not a single one of them there spoke english. Wifey decided in her wisdom to leave me alone with 'the men' for 3 hours while she caught up with her friends. This was before I stopped drinking for good but couldnt drink that day as we were due to fly home a few hours later. It was excruciating.
The lesson I learned that day was to be prepared for things like this. In my case, one of my 'outs' was to let my wife know of the situation she put me in so it wouldnt happen again. Have an exit strategy, as Surrendered says, start an activity. Yes sometimes situations suck but being prepared definitely helps. For me this whole journey is about identifying situations and finding solutions. That in itself can be satisfying.
The lesson I learned that day was to be prepared for things like this. In my case, one of my 'outs' was to let my wife know of the situation she put me in so it wouldnt happen again. Have an exit strategy, as Surrendered says, start an activity. Yes sometimes situations suck but being prepared definitely helps. For me this whole journey is about identifying situations and finding solutions. That in itself can be satisfying.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: New York
Posts: 48
You are conditioned to attending these social gatherings with alcohol and that's the only way you've ever done it. Now everything is different. You have to relearn how to do it without alcohol. In my opinion, rather than trying to avoid these events in the future, approach them as a learning experience. It's going to take some practice but if you just try to avoid them altogether or go in with the idea that everyone is having fun except you, then you deprive yourself of that opportunity. Hope that makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
Originally Posted by advbike
Been there, done that, same situation. The Red Horse was out and I was the only one not drinking, lol. I felt especially bad because her father offered me a drink, it might have been Tanduay. Your solution was a good one, Triggered and I recommend Lost do the same. You can also create a new persona for yourself - why be average? Over time the family realized I was the guy they could always count on, as with the current situation after Typhoon Rai. I am the sober, successful and logical one. They can have their drinking and parties and crazy emotions. Be someone they secretly admire, and set an example for the kids at the same time.
Btw.... even the mention of Red Horse gives me a headache these days lol
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