lostintheclouds

I can tell that I have a problem, today. If I think about socializing, it stresses me out, because I rely on the drink to do it. I think, regularly, throughout the day, about the idea of not getting to drink, forever, and that depresses me. I don't do some things I used to do, partially because fun to me means to drink. I was never a daily drinker, but in general, when I drink, I prefer to drink until the day/night are done. All of these, I know, are signs that I have a problem.

What I'm really struggling with, though, is that I'm one of those drinkers that feels like something was missing, or wrong with me, before drinking. Once I drink, anxiety and inhibitors that have kept me from being social, or fun as I see it, go away. Before drinking way too much, I like me more, when I drink. Without it, I not only feel awkward and depressed when seeing other people drink, but I also can't seem to slow my mind down, enough, to enjoy being social. I'm only going to be able to function if I'm doing an activity, like playing a game. In other words, I'm not just anxious and depressed without a drink - I don't feel "normal".

I'm only 11 days sober, so I know some of these thoughts (cravings) will dissipate. However, I remember the "me" from before being a drinker, and while some things were better, other things just weren't there. I was a class clown when I was a pre-teen child, but since then, whether it's due to basic stress of growing up, or my military years, or something else - whatever the reason, I haven't felt confident, or normal, or happy, for the most part. Drinking, at least at times, fixed that, and now I'm supposed to just exist, for better or worse, that way? I have to choose between dealing with occasional stressful episodes due to drinking and dealing with general, persistent anxiety and depression.

Again - 11 days. I know. It's not fair to myself let my mind run away, today. Still - for all of the positives of quitting permanently, the sober side would be depressing, too.

RunningScared

Congratulations on 11 days!

calmself

"I have to choose between dealing with occasional stressful episodes due to drinking and dealing with general, persistent anxiety and depression"

This sentence sums it up. Folks here can easily guess it's the AV who's making you say this as a reinforcement to keep drinking. All of us go through everyday anxiety, stress and uncertainty. In fact they say certain amount of anxiety is good to keep progressing.

Alcohol only numbs you temporarily so you don't solve the root cause. Not solving the root cause will only increase this anxiety putting me into a vicious loop where I have to drink more to make everything go away.

Please don't fall for it. You are much more strong and capable of facing the world than you think.

fishkiller

2 years sober and I still feel like you describe at times.
I will take the occasional bad day(s) over the constant hell of drinking my life away any day.
I am not a social person either.
I Will Not drink to "appear" normal.
I Will Not drink to fool myself into believing I am someone I am not.
Never again.

We all need work. We cannot accomplish that Work while numbed by alcohol.

Get sober and get to Work and you will be surprised at how good things can be.
Just not drinking ain't gonna do it. Gotta work on what ails us.

Stick around and fight the good fight. It really does get better.

lostintheclouds

I really do WANT to be social. When I'm buzzed, I absolutely love it. I'm even a musician and a singer. But all of it is partially hell, due to anxiety, if I don't drink. Despite having played music for 30 years, I don't feel like even attempting it in public without a drink. Essentially, I feel like I'm going to waste my life if I don't drink. On top of that, at least right now, if I'm in a social situation, especially if other people are drinking, then I'm just a curmodgeon-y, quiet, downer of a person - the opposite of what I try to be, when I drink.

I know it'll change. But man, it sucks today. That "AV" you talk about just keeps telling me "man, if you'd just handled yourself a little bit better, you could keep enjoying what most of the world gets to, instead of being a depressed, anxious leper".

Thanks for the feedback and advice.

DriGuy

I was somewhat like that too. I didn't have persistent anxiety, but I experienced social anxiety, maybe less than you, but who knows? I was never clinically depressed, but my father was. We are not having a contest here. I just wanted to give you some honest background. None of us will follow the same paths, so my experience may not be what you will experience, but we can make general predictions.

What I found was that those social problems I had only got worse, and drinking, which once seemed to help, stopped working and began to contribute to my anxiety and embarrassment to a point where my whole life, with or without other people in the picture, became an unimaginable nightmare. The only future I could imagine was one of insanity. I actually began to feel insane, or at least like what I thought insanity would feel like. I was terrified.

The point of all this is that if you have problems, social, emotional, mental, or whatever, drinking will only make things worse. Drinking was fun when I started, but eventually turned more sour than I could ever imagine. Mine is not some unique experience. Many here can second this: "Drinking makes your problems worse." How much worse is variable, but it won't make your life better.

Dee74

I’m a musician too - lost my career for a while because I believed that partying was what everyone did, especially musicians. When you’re too drunk to play the jobs dry up really fast.

I was also insecure. I thought I needed to be ‘on’ all the time or people wouldn’t like me. I didn’t like the real me so how could anyone else?

I couldn’t keep drinking tho or I would die…so I gave not drinking a shot.

I faced problems sober, and faced my fears, with help and support from friends counsellors and SR.

Ultimately I rediscovered a me I’d forgotten about, a me I quite liked. I set about building a sober life I loved.

That life didn’t look much like the life I was looking for when I was drinking…but it reflected the real me.

15 years on I still love it.

Give yourself the chance to find it too lostintheclouds

D

Hevyn

Congrats on your 11 sober days. I agree with the wisdom already spoken here. I went through many phases as I got free & healed, so try not to get discouraged.
I always thought drinking was enhancing my social life, but in the end I sabotaged myself with alcohol dependence. I'm glad you're giving your authentic self chance to shine through.

Free2bme888

Reading Alcohol Explained was great for me. It explained the anxiousness and emptiness and depression WERE ACTUALLY CAUSED BY (and unfortunately relieved by) ALCOHOL. that’s the addiction cycle.

yes, you can get out of it, it’s tough so you really need to want and believe it

Welcome!
❤️🤓

ElizaD

So many, if not all of us, felt this way when we stopped. Free2bme88 mentioned Alcohol Explained. The Naked Mind by Annie Grace and Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol are also good books as far as helping to explain how alcohol creates the problem that is purports to solve.