kamm

How long will it take for me to stop hating myself for drinking again? I had high glucose levels on a test back in February and have since not been able to string together a week of sobriety.


I was pissed. I lost 60 lbs, got sober, and consistently worked out for 7 years straight and still was diagnosed as a pre diabetic. I just wanted to *relax* and *calm my nerves*. Isn’t it funny how we have such a capacity to lie to ourselves? Since I started drinking again I’ve put back on half of what I lost and dragging myself on a run is torture.

My last drink was Dec 23rd. I got so drunk that I had a screaming match with my partner and I don’t even remember it. Then I was so hungover on Christmas Eve that I threw up out of the car window on the way to our celebration. And again during dinner. Wow, Kamm. So classy. Thankfully, I wrapped all of my littles presents a week earlier so I just had to drag myself to put them all out after she went to bed.

I feel like a royal piece of turd. I hate myself for drinking after years of sobriety. What is wrong with me and why the hell couldn’t I get it back sooner?! I’m just sitting in my own self hatred right now and am struggling to get out. I’ve been crying off and on these past 5 days and just want to escape forever but I know that’s not the answer either.

I’d love some strength, hope, and/or guidance right now.

RaggedyMan

Kamm - welcome - you've come to the right place. Lots of support and help here. Just came back myself and making the most of the strength in numbers.

SoberLeigh

(((Kamm))). I am sorry that you are feeling so badly about yourself. You are living proof that you can change that; pull out your old sober toolbox and put back into place those tools that worked the best for you the last time you got sober; add more tools as time goes by; put your heart, soul and core into it.

I have underlying health issues, too, that sobriety can’t cure but being SOBER and AS HEALTHY AS I CAN BE, is an amazing combo. Go for it.

Put this experience behind you; learn from it but put it behind you - spending too much time beating yourself up will only serve to hold you down. Move forward into the great way of living that awaits you in sobriety.

nez

What will hating yourself for drinking accomplish? In my experience, it could get me sober and keep me sober for a time; but it was built on a weak foundation. It was based on the need to quit drinking, that drinking was bad for me. Inevitably at some point, I returned to drinking.

I found success when I wanted to stop drinking period. I wanted to live. I wanted a better life. By wanting to live, I was building on a stronger foundation based upon loving myself and treating myself in a manner, lifestyle, and actions that reflected that. Hating myself for being weak and failing because I needed to stop drinking, had no place in that mindset. It was replaced by compassion and empathy. I knew that I was like a child learning to walk.

A child learning to walk, does so because they want to walk, not because they need to. I would never hate a child because they take a few tottering steps and then plop, down they go on their butts. I would be encouraging and patient even though they weren't doing it exactly right. They will get it, because they want to. Also the child doesn't sit there and berate themselves that they are a miserable failure, that they will never get this, that their life is over. No, they roll over onto their knees and give it another go because they want to.

I am not very good at doing what I need to. It is hard and takes a lot of work. I can do it and to completion. But there are times that I don't because it is too easy to fall into a mindset that is shaded by hues and tints of punishment. When I want to, nothing holds me back. It is the easier softer way because I am bolstered by a kaleidoscopic prism of colors, hope, and promise of a better life.

Hevyn

Kamm - Stop. Being mean to yourself won't accomplish a thing. No one intentionally sabotages themselves.

The last time I drank I didn't even give it much thought. I decided it was ok to have 'a glass' (ha) of wine, after 3 yrs. of sobriety. The glass turned into a bottle. The bottle turned into daily drinking - and years of failed attempts at moderating. This time I outdid myself - I got 2 dui's & created all sorts of havoc in my life. I was so down on myself that I just kept drinking for a while. Finally, I held my head up and said enough - this was not how my story was going to end. I admitted I could never touch another drop - & became determined to reclaim my reputation & my life. The drunk me is not the real me - I am not the foggy, numb person I become when drinking. I know I'll never see that fool again. You can stay free, Kamm ! Here for you always.

Steely

I drank after 5 years Kamm and know how you feel. I also know how much better it is to put the poison down, and to mean it. This time!

Alcohol is poison to me, and I will never drink again. One day at a time. Days that are no longer filled with self loathing, and hatred. And which only happens when I drink alcohol. Wasted days always.

You have not lost the 7 years of sobriety you had gained Kamm, in fact it puts you in a good position to know how much better you are when sober.

The self hatred will ease as the days build, and you realise you made a mistake, but you have learned. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us.

I am now 2 years sober Kamm, and it is so much better. Soooo much better.

Keep posting Kamm, it helps.

Mysteryman

Boy do I know that feeling- I've been there many times.

You can fix it; it just takes a bit of time and it's not instant. One foot in front of the other and you'll get there if you just do the right things

Dee74

Welcome back Kamm

The thing you have to do is stop. We can’t start to feel better about ourselves until we do. So, you’ve got the first thing down.

In time I think we can forgive ourselves - we separate what we did from who we are, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on

D

least

Beating yourself up won't help. And it doesn't matter 'why' you drank, just that you're going to take action to be sure you won't drink again.

kamm

Thanks, SoberLeigh. You’re right. Sometimes, I can get so wrapped up in my self pity I forget the choices that I actually do have. One more step forward.

kamm

Thanks, Dee.

how does one separate their actions from their sense of self? I have always struggled with that.

kamm

Thanks for sharing your story, Steely. I really like the mindset that alcohol is poisonous to me. I wouldn’t willingly lick a poisonous toad so why would I willingly drink poison?!

I am feeling a little better this evening. I screamed in my car for about 5 minutes before getting in a really good workout. The world doesn’t seem so unbearable right now. I am

Pekelover2

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low, Kamm. I can so readily relate.
Be kind to yourself. Please try to be positive. You’ve lost thirty pounds. That’s incredible!! Try to get back into a workout regimen. Remember how good it felt after you did physical fitness? Running is the best feeling for me. I never want to drink afterwards.
I wish that I had seven years under my belt. I’m proud of you!!

brighterday1234

There is a solution to alcoholism. As has been said that starts with total abstinence. Gratitude, lack of resentment, lack of self-centred fear, living out of ego as much as possible is key in my experience to contented sober living 🙏

kamm

Thanks, Pekelover. I never want to drink after a workout either. I need to remember that. Actually, I always feel better after a workout, regardless of what’s going on! Does your name reference mountain peaks? I think I am going to try and reconnect with nature this weekend and get in a good hike. Nothing reminded me that my problems were conquerable more than hiking a mountain.

im trying to just accept that my body is what it is right now which is not coming as easy as I want. I hope to get better soon.

kamm

Thanks, brighterday! I am trying to post in the gratitude thread more. Eventually I may start a gratitude journal but I am taking baby steps! I don’t know much about how to achieve a lack of self centered fear or a lack of resentment but I do hope that gratitude will help. What tools did you use to achieve those mindsets?

nez

I am not good at multi-tasking. I find impossible to be grateful and resentful at the same time. I use this to my advantage and when I feel a resentment coming on, I steer my simple mind to gratitude which gives it a positive single task to focus on and keeps it occupied until the next shiny bauble comes along. And just like it says on medicine bottles "Repeat if necessary."

Anna

Kamm, welcome back and have faith that you can stop drinking for good. I know it's hard to not feel anger and regret, but the main thing is that you're here now and you're not drinking.