calmself

Folks, A good friend of mine over the last several years is in town. He lives in Denver but makes a visit to Seattle every 6 months or so.

To keep it short, he has messaged me thrice so far over the last week ( latest was today morning) to meet at the Applebee's nearby to have a few beers. We usually do this ritual every single time. I hinted him that I am on a break and we can meet at another restaurant nearby for just food. He is very persuasive and is like , "come on man.. just the regular couple of beers we have". And that's true as well, to be fair.

What would you guys suggest I do? Thanks much in advance.

FYI I am on Day 46 with a goal to move towards abstinence.

doggonecarl

If your goal is to be sober, and meeting up with your friend is going to prove to be too much a temptation to drink, you don't go. Period.

He may be a good friend, but he's unwilling to compromise to your request to meet up where alcohol isn't the focus. That's means drinking is the focus, for him. Not meeting up with a good friend. Now, you said you hinted at taking a break. Hinting isn't telling him, flat out, you don't drink anymore. Tell him and ask again if he'd meet you for a meal. If he says no, tell him then, no thanks, "My sobriety is more important."

RaggedyMan

I would say you can only go on your own terms and only if you are absolutely sure you won't drink.

kamm

Don’t go with him if he’s not willing to change locations or activities. You’re still in relatively early days so it’s important to do whatever is needed to protect your sobriety (actually that’s good advice no matter how long you’ve been sober). Tell him you’re not drinking if you’re comfortable doing so. If not, sit this one out and tell home you’ll catch him next time.

good luck and let us know what you decide!

SoberLeigh

If the location cannot be changed to a non-alcohol serving venue, I feel that politely declining the invitation would be the very best decision, calmself.

PeacefulWater12

What worked for me when I quit was protecting my quit above all else. I had to make it top priority in my life.

That meant me saying no to certain events and people.

You could meet your pal in a coffee shop for coffee and cake instead.

KittyMama00

Being honest, transparent, and clear in your words strengthens good intentions, resolve, and strong boundaries in my experience and opinion. But when you constructed a boundary with your words that you are not drinking alcohol right now, your friend did not respect your boundary and encouraged you to do something that is wrong and harmful for your mind, body, and good health. I personally do not think they are a good friend because clearly they do not respect boundaries, but that is for you to decide. Meeting them in the place you used to drink together is setting you up for failure in the form of a relapse.
If you really feel that this friendship is important and worthwhile, see them in a new place that does not serve alcohol. You could also use Omicron as an excuse to not go to a restaurant and take off your mask....which is risky behavior in my opinion. I also live in Seattle and Omicron COVID cases have gone up to 2500 a day (just in King County) and this is so concerning!
Good luck, I am rooting for you and your sobriety!!!

calmself

Thank you all! I fully agree that sobriety should come first. I will either ask him to meet for a meal or at a coffee shop as suggested.

Both of us are bit of introverts and I remember not talking much last time until the beers arrived. But it's ok I guess not to talk much for the sake of sobriety.

If he's not okay with this plan, I will gently tell him that we can meet next time around.

calmself

Awesome points, Kitty. He is a good person and rarely drinks. Having said that as Carl said, I only hinted him that I am on a break. Since we have lot of mutual friends, I don't want unwanted publicity by telling I have a drinking problem.

Yeah King county is booming with cases. Maybe this is not really the right time to meet friends. I will think through this before I respond to him. Anyways he is going to be here until Sunday.

doggonecarl

I didn't say, tell him you have a drinking problem. I said, tell him you don't drink anymore.

Assumptions made after that cannot be controlled.

Dee74

If someone wanted to catch up for a few beers I’d have to tell them I don’t drink anymore, calmself.

If you think that might be hard to be so direct at just over 46 days (it would have been for me too) then maybe now is not the time to meet up?

D

MrPL

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MrPL

Hi calm - I agree with carl. I had a similar situation recently and said “I had a month’s break and really enjoyed it, so I don’t want to drink at all for a while”. Eventually my friend (and yours) will get that it’s permanent.

least

Suggest meeting somewhere else, where drinking is not the main focus. If he says no, just tell him you don't drink anymore and don't want to meet up at Applebee's for beers.

calmself

Thanks all! You are right, Carl / MrPL - agree that's the right way to frame it. Will say "I do not drink anymore" or "I like being sober and plan to continue to enjoy the benefits".
@Least, That's the plan. am planning to tell him to meet me at Honest Cafe in Bellevue. I exactly know what will happen if we agree on Applebee's. My wafer thin, 46 day glass ball will shatter into million pieces

calmself

Dee, I am considering to cancel the meet as well. As Kitty said, the covid situation is not good here.Last thing I want to do is to get it home.

I think it's best to cancel and meet after 6 months when he comes again. At this point, even inviting him home for dinner seems risky as infections are exploding here.

calmself

Folks, Quick update: I told my friend that we will meet next time when he is around. The situation is not good here with booming covid cases and I really feel it is best to avoid non essential meetings / outings. Thank you all for the great advice. I will remember them next time around. Have a great day!

Mizz

I think you are smart. Its getting wild out there.
Congrats on your sober time! Keep on going.