Sasha4

I want to say sorry for the person I was and the person I am now.

I try not to inflict myself on anyone - friends, family etc.
I am single and I doubt I will ever find long-lasting love in a relationship.
I have no idea why anyone would want to be with me.

I'm sorry for any hurt I caused.
Please believe I am struggling so much now and mentally paying the price.
I cannot believe how this has turned out.
I feel like an onlooker in life.
I watch everyone else have and enjoy what I don't have.

This is probably my punishment.
I accept it.
I wish I could turn off the constant barrage of memories and flashbacks that haunt me.
I'm just sorry I didn't change and I only have myself to blame.
If I could go back and not have ever drank, I would.

I feel like the loneliest person in the world right now.
I know I hide away but shame and self loathing makes me.
I never considered that the wrong decisions I made then , would lead me to how I am now.
I don't think I can change my thoughts.
Ive tried and tried.
Ive had counselling, therapy, antidepressants.
Nothing has worked.
I put on a front and pretend to be fine.
I go through scenarios where I want to tell someone how unhappy I am, how lonely I am, how much I hate myself, but I never do.
I am embarrassed of myself. I feel shame. I feel I don't deserve.
I just keep going day in and day out.

I look at my daughter and I wish I could go back in my life and change things. She is so carefree and happy and has her whole life ahead of her.
I almost feel envious of her.

I'm just so sorry.

I just needed to get this off my chest after a torturous 24 hours.

venuscat

Oh Sasha, I feel your pain s xx

All I can say is welcome back....you are in the right place....a community that will support you and hear you.
We do this together.
Sending you love. s ❤️

Steely

Oh Sasha, I have felt this way too.

I think the most mportant part of your post was where you say, you didn't know. And you didn't. And I am same.

We know now Sasha, and have chosen to no longer drink because we know. And with this knowledge need to forgive ourselves.

Be kind to yourself Sasha, you are more than worth it.

Hevyn

Hi Sasha - thank you for a heartfelt post. I've been in that same situation, filled with regret & remorse. I got free - and you will too.

least

I think you're being way too hard on yourself. Stop beating yourself up.

advbike

I'm sorry you're in pain, Sasha. Keep talking to us, we care about you. You have done many things right, sometimes we beat ourselves up too much for the mistakes we made and the years that go by. But life can still be good. Live your values and don't compare. Do not let your ego tell you falsehoods.

Wishing you a happy Christmas with your daughter! The fact that she is happy is something you should be very proud of. Share it with her.

calmself

Sasha, All of us have guilt, shame etc for reasons only known to us. There are decisions that we have taken, knowingly or otherwise that have caused problems to our loved ones. Let us use those lessons as stepping stones and spring forward. Tomorrow is a new day!!

Kaily

Oh Sasha, I relate to so much of what you have written. I struggle to accept the past wreckage of my life. Stay with us and get totally un judgemental support.

NessunDorma

Sasha - your daughter's happiness must mean you are doing at least one thing really well. Probably the most important thing anyone does. I look back on the bad things I did when drunk, I was very ashamed of them. But over the years to be honest they don't matter so much. Hoping you can have the best possible Christmas and feel that there is light at the end of your tunnel, even if you can't see it right now.

BullDog777

You can hop off this train to eminent death anytime you want to. You just have to want to live more than you want to die. You have to be willing to put aside your self hatred and allow yourself to heal.

you said "This is probably my punishment."
You're right. It is, but it's one that is self imposed. You can start to forgive yourself and start to put your life back together if you want this bad enough.

Recovery is simple-probably the most uncomplicated thing I've ever done in my life. However, it was by far the hardest. You have to be willing to hang in there and fight for your life.

I have a daughter too. My family has grown since I got sober. But when I was in the hospital barely clinging to life, she was all I thought about. If I got one more chance, I wouldn't let her down. So I didn't.

I haven't had a drink in almost 6 years. I relapsed for more than 25 years before life forced me to make a decision.
For those people who tell you, "You have to get sober for you" ...that's BS. You can pick anything you're willing to live for.

For me..it's my kids.

That reason-that purpose is all you need to start. After that, it's one day at a time. Hang in there. These people carried me when I thought I couldn't stand anymore. We'll do the same for you as long as you show up.

Dee74

I'm glad to see you Sasha but said to see you being so hard on yourself.

No one is perfect and we all have skeletons in the closet but you're a good person who deserves good things - I think its really important to remember that, as well as the not so good stuff

Gabe1980

Oh Sasha....I am glad you posted and got all that out. I have had an horrific year too and I can identify with those feelings but I also think that you can't recognise a the good qualities you have right now

You care ...I can here it in your post. Keep posting. Lots of love to you ❤️xxx

Jim1958

Sasha, I have been there. Everyone here has regrets. Try to move on and do better. The past is gone and it cannot be changed. I know it is hard. But posting to SR will help, as will the support you will find here. Things get better the longer you are sober. Best wishes on your recovery.

Alpine

S, I have been there too. I am still working through things, but I continue to grow ,learn, and better myself . I am a work in progress. Hang in there.
Bulldog, I appreciate your post.

Hodd

As Dee says, Sasha, we’d all like a time machine to go back and undo a whole bunch of bad stuff. We can’t do that, but we can appreciate what we’ve got and the brighter futures we now have. You need to start giving yourself some credit for taking action. A lot of less fortunate people never get that and end up drinking excessively for the rest of their days.

RecklessDrunk

Its not all that uncommon for me to feel like that. Things are different from when I first got sober. I was in a relationship at first with the illusion that this area of my life settled. Its really difficult right now especially as I get older and time seems to be running out.

I wish I could remember exactly how they put it but the 12 & 12 tells us something like almost every alcoholic feels this deep down loneliness. Like we just can't seem to fit in.

In step 4 I began to see my defects of character. In step 5 I admitted them to God, myself, and my sponsor.

I think the problem i have from time to time is step 6. Am I somehow going back and forgetting my willingness to let go of these defects of character? I let things like jealousy creep back into my thinking. Part of it is step 3, God isn't carrying out my will the way that I want him to.

I read the OP and it brings me back to much of that pain I feel from time to time. I just wish I could take the pain away from you, I wish none of us had to feel that way. Not just romantically but many of my relationships with others over the years have been absolute disasters. I am a high functioning autistic, its really a lot of work for me to deal with people as it is.

When all else seems to be failing getting exercise gives me much of that ease and comfort that i would get from a drink. Also just getting out and running and being away from everything for a little while. Sometimes it just therapeutic to me to just watch the ocean waves roll in under the moonlight.

MythOfSisyphus

The sun will shine on you again, @Sasha4! I'm certain of it.

Anna

Sasha, I'm glad you're back and that you posted about your feelings. I know it's sometimes hard to find things to like and love about yourself, but you are a person deserving of love. Please continue to post and feel the love and caring from our SR family.

Surrendered19

I hope you are feeling a bit better tonight Sasha. All of us here have felt the low feelings you are feeling now. It is miserable, but it is temporary if you acknowledge the past. As more than one wise person on SR has observed: It is ok to look back at the past - Just don't stare. I love that advice and it has helped me often.

Another word that we all should have tattooed on our forearms is "Saudade." Saudade, given to us by the wise Portuguese, is a noun and it is defined as a deep, nostalgic, and melancholic longing for something or someone, often accompanied with a denied fact that what one longs for will never come back. I think the reason those thoughts were given their very own word - Saudade - was because a focus was needed on the utter futility of spending too much time looking backwards. All we do is fret over things that we cannot change.

I wish you peace on this holiday Sasha and I think 2022 is going to be a year of good things for you.

KittyMama00

Sasha, it gets better. Just don't drink. The self-hatred, shame, regret, depression, and anxiety is the mark of alcohol abuse disorder. If you can just stop drinking your brain and your body will heal, and you will love yourself and your life once again. Sending you peace, love, understanding, and most of all hope that you will give yourself the gift of sobriety.
Please keep us updated on your recovery progress.