Well so much for being invincible... my word to younger drinkers
In Recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 96
Well so much for being invincible... my word to younger drinkers
I'll just try to summarize the demise of my reality that had everything to do with alcohol. At the end, you will see how this panned out beyond comprehension. In short, I'm 48 yo now, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma at 23 yo. Something happened during these 18 months of treatments... my whole family was worried I was gonna die, including my wife at the time. Little did they know I wasn't taking the medication being prescribed, I found alternative ways to deal with the pain and insomnia, and yeah, I developed this thought process that I was invincible. Here comes the alcohol. At 36 years old we went to Vegas for 3 days and I was drunk 24/7, also using pills. Before the plane landed on the way home, I had massive pain in my stomach and 2 hours after we got home, I had my wife take me to the ER. 3 days in there, with Pancreatitus. They told me I could never drink again. Well that lasted 5 days and I was back to normal, still thinking I was invincible.
Next 4 years and 2 more trips to the ER, both showing I now had Cirrhosis. After the 2nd visit, I quit for a month, then right back at it. The next year and the final ER visit I was in really bad shape. I decided the only way to curb this was to get a gym membership and go every day, and that worked for 7 months. During this time we found our dream home, I had plenty of energy to move large objects around, I was in really good shape, 6'2" and 170lbs. Well since we had to move I had to let my gym membership expire, and where we moved to, they only had small gyms even though we were in a 1M+/house community and this was the start of Covid. Our business took a big hit during this, I became frustrated and somewhat bored, went back to the alcohol, and this turned into a 24/7 thing, still feeling like I was invincible since I just passed 7 months sobriety.
Well this is when things start to really get out of hand. I went on a bender with beer and Vodka for 3 months (heavy use). One day I ran out of Vodka and decided I'd take a couple days off just to prove I wasn't hooked on it. The next morning I asked my wife to pour me a tub. She did, I got in, drinking water and orange juice. Next thing I know I'm in the ICU. Long story short, I had a seizure from Vodka withdrawals and nearly drowned. 3 more days in the hospital there and another $15k bill. A week after that, I noticed my eye sight was getting blurry to the point I couldn't drive, so now I needed glasses (coming from someone with 20/20 vision). At this point I was around 150lbs and looked horrible. This last round was by far the worst. Around the 1st of September 2021 I woke up with a bloated stomach. I blamed it on some bad chicken.. could have been, but I knew I had a bender also. I spent the next 3 weeks taking bloating medication and my stomach just kept getting bigger, I had fatigue, dizziness, could hardly eat, yet still trying to cram as many beers down my throat as I could.
I was heavily invested in Crypto and when a big opportunity came around, my mind was so confused as to what to do. All I needed to do was hit some buttons and bam, done! I couldn't do it, I was beyond exhausted, so drunk I only remember small pieces of that night. What I do remember, my drunken self said 'lets just do this in the morning'. Not a smart move. I left the deal alone, yet actually forgot about it for the most part. 2 days later I saw that the deal went through for those that had perfect timing while I slouched, dizzy and blurred vision. My stomach kept getting bigger, and very painful. I checked into the ER for another round, they told me my Cirrhosis was so bad, all of the fluid my Liver was supposed to be taking care of, it was rejecting it and diverting it into my gut. Well they drained my stomach to the tune of 4.5 liters removed and another big round of hospital bills, and many for the future now for ongoing care.
Well I just found out today, according to my notes, the deal that I missed out on being too drunk to take care of it, I would have made a little over $2M in just a few days time. Everything wrong in this reality has been the alcohol, and since this all came to the realization, knowing that if I die early (which I'm sure I will) my wife would be set. Wishful thinking I suppose. I'm one week out on sobriety and this time I don't have a choice to pretend I'm Invincible, for the rest of my life.
Next 4 years and 2 more trips to the ER, both showing I now had Cirrhosis. After the 2nd visit, I quit for a month, then right back at it. The next year and the final ER visit I was in really bad shape. I decided the only way to curb this was to get a gym membership and go every day, and that worked for 7 months. During this time we found our dream home, I had plenty of energy to move large objects around, I was in really good shape, 6'2" and 170lbs. Well since we had to move I had to let my gym membership expire, and where we moved to, they only had small gyms even though we were in a 1M+/house community and this was the start of Covid. Our business took a big hit during this, I became frustrated and somewhat bored, went back to the alcohol, and this turned into a 24/7 thing, still feeling like I was invincible since I just passed 7 months sobriety.
Well this is when things start to really get out of hand. I went on a bender with beer and Vodka for 3 months (heavy use). One day I ran out of Vodka and decided I'd take a couple days off just to prove I wasn't hooked on it. The next morning I asked my wife to pour me a tub. She did, I got in, drinking water and orange juice. Next thing I know I'm in the ICU. Long story short, I had a seizure from Vodka withdrawals and nearly drowned. 3 more days in the hospital there and another $15k bill. A week after that, I noticed my eye sight was getting blurry to the point I couldn't drive, so now I needed glasses (coming from someone with 20/20 vision). At this point I was around 150lbs and looked horrible. This last round was by far the worst. Around the 1st of September 2021 I woke up with a bloated stomach. I blamed it on some bad chicken.. could have been, but I knew I had a bender also. I spent the next 3 weeks taking bloating medication and my stomach just kept getting bigger, I had fatigue, dizziness, could hardly eat, yet still trying to cram as many beers down my throat as I could.
I was heavily invested in Crypto and when a big opportunity came around, my mind was so confused as to what to do. All I needed to do was hit some buttons and bam, done! I couldn't do it, I was beyond exhausted, so drunk I only remember small pieces of that night. What I do remember, my drunken self said 'lets just do this in the morning'. Not a smart move. I left the deal alone, yet actually forgot about it for the most part. 2 days later I saw that the deal went through for those that had perfect timing while I slouched, dizzy and blurred vision. My stomach kept getting bigger, and very painful. I checked into the ER for another round, they told me my Cirrhosis was so bad, all of the fluid my Liver was supposed to be taking care of, it was rejecting it and diverting it into my gut. Well they drained my stomach to the tune of 4.5 liters removed and another big round of hospital bills, and many for the future now for ongoing care.
Well I just found out today, according to my notes, the deal that I missed out on being too drunk to take care of it, I would have made a little over $2M in just a few days time. Everything wrong in this reality has been the alcohol, and since this all came to the realization, knowing that if I die early (which I'm sure I will) my wife would be set. Wishful thinking I suppose. I'm one week out on sobriety and this time I don't have a choice to pretend I'm Invincible, for the rest of my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Location: Central NC
Posts: 205
After all that, it's a wonder you're still alive now to talk about it! Addiction fully intends to kill us. I can attest to that delusion of invincibility, though my story isn't nearly so tragic as yours.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Psily - I hope you'll stay with us here & get the encouragement that will help. We all understand about self-sabotage, like no one else can.
Congratulations on your one week sober. I'm so glad you posted.
Congratulations on your one week sober. I'm so glad you posted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Back in the USA
Posts: 2,661
Wow Psilyguy,
Thats quite a share… I saw some things in myself about parts of it too. Especially when drinking un spite of health warnings.
I hope you can see your way through all of this eventually.
Well wishes for your recovery. We’d like very much to hear how you’re doing so please keep coming back.
Intro.
Thats quite a share… I saw some things in myself about parts of it too. Especially when drinking un spite of health warnings.
I hope you can see your way through all of this eventually.
Well wishes for your recovery. We’d like very much to hear how you’re doing so please keep coming back.
Intro.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
I appreciate the warning. Sorry about your crypto loss, too.
I do have to ask - how are you doing now? Is there anything you can do for your health or career now? What are next steps for you personally? That's a lot of loss and heartache to experience, I can tell you that picking up the pieces is very hard... one of the things that kept me relapsing early was that all the pain and regret felt "too big" to overcome, so I'd say "**** it" and drink anyway.
Stay with us! This is a really good crew.
I do have to ask - how are you doing now? Is there anything you can do for your health or career now? What are next steps for you personally? That's a lot of loss and heartache to experience, I can tell you that picking up the pieces is very hard... one of the things that kept me relapsing early was that all the pain and regret felt "too big" to overcome, so I'd say "**** it" and drink anyway.
Stay with us! This is a really good crew.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
I remember you…..thanks for update, and so glad for your honesty and resiliency.
I’ve assisted in many paracentèses procedures, and some patients, those whose minds were made up that they were done drinking, graduated from their 2-3x/week visits to zero in the course of a few months.
We are heavily invested in crypto. It either goes up, down, or stays the same. Safe? No. Fun? Yes kind of. It’s unpredictable.
But what is predictable is that drinking WILL KILL US. And many many people live long lives after paracentèses when they choose life over alcohol.
You've had enough. Glad you’re here, psil🥰😍🙏🏼
I’ve assisted in many paracentèses procedures, and some patients, those whose minds were made up that they were done drinking, graduated from their 2-3x/week visits to zero in the course of a few months.
We are heavily invested in crypto. It either goes up, down, or stays the same. Safe? No. Fun? Yes kind of. It’s unpredictable.
But what is predictable is that drinking WILL KILL US. And many many people live long lives after paracentèses when they choose life over alcohol.
You've had enough. Glad you’re here, psil🥰😍🙏🏼
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,300
Thank you for your candor. Your story is such an honest account of so many bad things that alcohol does to us and our lives.
Just think, it could always be worse. I have a reoccurring nightmare where I drink under the influence and run over and kill ppl. It’s harrowing. Every time I wake up, I forget that it’s a dream.
Please stay strong. We’re all with you
Just think, it could always be worse. I have a reoccurring nightmare where I drink under the influence and run over and kill ppl. It’s harrowing. Every time I wake up, I forget that it’s a dream.
Please stay strong. We’re all with you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,540
I'm glad you are here psily.
I was really happy to read Free2bme's post on good chance of things improving for you if you commit to sobriety. Join us here and do that very thing. You deserve it now, and always did.
Welcome back.
I was really happy to read Free2bme's post on good chance of things improving for you if you commit to sobriety. Join us here and do that very thing. You deserve it now, and always did.
Welcome back.
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