Release with love
 

Some of you know my story. Middle aged divorced dad with three kids. One is 14 and two are around 10. So I’ve been sober for 6 months (yay). I’ve always been in the kids lives but after the divorce mom did the heavy lifting when I moved out of state for work. I’ve been back in town for a year. During that time we’ve had joint custody. I bought a home close to her and integrated into their lives pretty well. But there has been constant conflict with the teen daughter. She simply does not want to be at my house. It’s a very nice house, with all of the “things” a kid could want. Her friends are constantly here and welcome. I’m always breaking my back to make her comfortable and to feel at home and loved. But nothing works. She’s 14 so she’s going through a lot of change and hormones and stuff, so that’s part of it. But there is more. But in the end, I’m not sure it matters.

Today her and her mom and I agreed that she could live exclusively with her mom.

The old me would have lashed out and hurt my daughter (verbally/emotionally), because that’s what I was taught, hurt me and I’ll hurt you. But today I supported her fully and told her it’s with a try if it will make her happier. I’m every emotion you can imagine. Sad, angry, ashamed, happy, relieved, scared. Broken.

So I called my old sponsor, still my close friend and told him about everything and he told me about “releasing with love”. Essentially letting go. So that’s what I’m going to try to do. It will make my home more peaceful. I will get to devote more time to
my my younger kids who are treasures. I will be less stressed and taxed.


So there are pros and cons. The biggest is giving up on the idea my daughter and I could be close again. Which is all I want. But if in my attempt to remain close, all i do is push her away, then what is accomplished? It’s a hard day for me. But like ripping off a bandaid, it feels necessary.

Ugh.

Letting go is hard to do BABM. I'm struggling with it too.

We'll practicing hey, BABM. Peace for us, and all around.

I'm convinced that by letting go we get to hold that which we have released.

Things will probably not always be as they are now.
A decision to let go now does not mean that a reconciliation is not ever possible.

You and your daughter may find a shared understanding of each other in years to come.

As hard as it is, fight the fear and embrace the faith BABM.

It may not always be so as it is now. Do your best with the two younger ones and just hope your teen daughter comes to some understanding of your relationship in the future. :hug:

Wow, BABM your post resonated with me very much. This week the psychologist I am seeing about my daughter( almost 13) said much the same ,but your sponsor's phrase of 'releasing with love' is much better.

By doing what you have done for your daughter I think you have probably achieved something really very powerful in how she will feel about you in the future. I think Steely is right that by letting go we get to hold what we have released
- so true - wise people here!

Look back at the serenity prayer.

This doesn't look like something you can change today or tomorrow.

Over time though, well, I've seen this happen before. We live right and THEN we can see some of the benefits. Just do your best and that's all you can do. Doing well with other 2 can only help. Especially if one or both are boys. Im not trying to make excuses for myself but holy crap was I lost losing my father in 6th grade. I didn't even understand how it went wrong until I was in my 20s. I had/have the most amazing mom but a boy needs a man in his life.

My son is going through the same thing with his 13 year old daughter. As you said, "she's 14 so she’s going through a lot of change and hormones and stuff". Releasing with love sounds like a good idea, and teenagers change a lot as time goes on. It's not going to always be this way. Give it time.

A poignant and powerful post Babm. Like you I am a divorced dad with an older kid, couple young ones too. The greatest gift I gave to them is my sobriety. The sureness I have now in my fatherhood, the control, the earned authority, the calm and patience, the love - it's all due to my sobriety. Congrats on your sober time and thank you for sharing.

Thank you for sharing. This is one of the most poignant things I have read in a long time. You are strong and matured - things will get better and your daughter will join you sooner or later. She will realize your value, do not worry and spoil your mental or physical health.

Thanks Dee. I agree. It’s important to embrace the faith. And that’s what I’m attempting. What is to be will be. No matter how I fight it. So why keep fighting. Let someone else fight for me. Someone I’ve grown to trust.

Hang in there BABM
Teenage girls can be tough.
I was on the other end years ago. My daughter "hated" her Mother so she let her move in with me at about the same age. They now have an awesome relationship.

They are just kids. Be patient and loving and when she grows, physically and mentally, your relationship will be better than ever.

You did the right thing man. Be proud

That is so hard BABM. By letting go like this - for now - you are nearly ensuring a good future relationship with her. If she knows you to be a steady Dad who, even when things don't go his way, doesn't **** and moan and lash out (like I did for years), she will make her way back to you. Daughters are complex creatures and have their own minds even if they aren't fully formed yet. It will be hard, but when she starts to reach out again, be quiet and receptive, don't act too happy, and let it unfold. I've always told people that teen daughters are like cats. You chase them and they'll crawl under the couch. But if you remain courageously aloof and let them walk their paths their way, the next thing you know they're up on your shoulder, batting at your nose and seeking attention.

I'm sorry BABM. You help so many here with your street wisdom and your intellect and honesty. I hate it hate it hate it that you are in pain.

Love you guys (and gals).

The harder I squeeze onto something g the worse it gets. To that end I know I’m doing what’s right by letting go.

I hope some day she comes back, but that is not for me to decide. My challenge will be to find that balance of showing her I still live her and care without being resentful or chasing too much. I’ll need God’s help and I’ll probably post here for a little help when I think I have a brilliant idea 😂

I think you've made the right decision.

The teenage years are tough, and at age 14 your daughter is just getting warmed up. Unfortunately for your wife, she is going to be getting the brunt of the day to day stuff for the next few years, and mothers and teenage daughters often have a difficult time anyway. Support your ex-wife as much as you can. It may take awhile, and your daughter might be in her early 20's when it happens, but adolescent maturity has a way of healing things. But certainly, don't do anything right now that would burn bridges with you daughter.

Thanks Zebra. My ex is a really good person and has already done a ton of the heavy lifting so I will forever be grateful to her. And I will definitely support her as we move through this phase whatever it may be.

My daughter has already indicated she might want to spend at least some time at my house each month. Which of course I would be open to. I would like this because it would keep our relationship on life support and. In smaller spurts maybe we would appreciate each other more. It would also provide her mother a well deserved break. And finally it would give us time as a four person family unit that we used to enjoy (me, her and my other two). But I’m not going to push for this if I can help it and instead let her mention it.

Patience will be key here.

In other news, we kept our kids come because of the TikTok shooting threat today. Almost certainly not an issue, but the consequences are too high to risk for us. I hate social media.

BABM, I think you are doing the right thing. Try to believe you are letting your daughter go now, but it will not be that way forever. I suspect that as she grows and changes through her teen years, she will rethink her decision and choice.

Such a powerful post, BABM. Thank you.

I am reminded that love is not possession. Love is about wanting the other person to be happy.

It's all there in 1 Corinthians 13. When I need reminding of how to love better, I always return to it.

As a former 14yo girl, I can attest to how difficult that age is. Add to that an alcoholic father and divorced parents, I'm surprised she hasn't burned the house down or some such. Your opportunity now is to be kind to her. Be a warm, safe haven that she mightn't want now, but she will in years to come.

As the father of 2, now adult, daughters who announced they no longer want to see or speak to me, I can sympathize with what you're going through. As others have said, you can never really predict how things are going to change further down the road. That's something I keep reminding myself of, too. I think you are approaching this the right way, and it's a way that protects your own peace of mind. That's important and something of great value, especially in early sobriety.

she will come back dude. she really aint going anywhere. just living with mom instead of dad. She will come around. If she is anything like me (although I am not a girl) it will be when she is in her younger to mid 20's but then again everyone is different. My girl is 12 so....