30 days of sobriety - day zero.
 

Wednesday the 8th of December marked my 30 days free from alcohol and drugs. My drug of choice was mainly cocaine but I'd take most things if offered. I work in a pub and after a week away in a detox centre (day 4 there marked the longest I'd been sober in 10 years) I returned home and started a shift 2 hours later. The pub itself wasn't the trigger, surprisingly. A friend coming in for a pint and a request that I call my dealer for him was. I've realised now that I can be around alcohol, I can be around drunk people. But people I used to drink and get high with are what awaken that voice in my head saying 'just one', 'you've been doing so well, you've earnt it'. And I've managed to ignore that voice for 30 days. I even gave up smoking a few days after I got home!

I had a good day Wednesday. I met my mum for a coffee in the morning (something we've done almost everyday after a 3 mile walk around the lake with my dog at Tatton Park). I then went home, read for a bit (something else I've been able to do again with my newfound sobriety and clarity of mind). I then had a nap, woke up and went to work.

Half an hour after I'd started my shift, a couple of friends came in for a drink - one of whom is a coke dealer. The voice piped up: 'just for tonight, you're not even working tomorrow. Just this once and then it's out of your system.' We argued for less time than I care to admit and then I gave in. I've been very vocal about my sobriety - in part because it's become my identity since drinking and sniffing no longer is what I spend my waking hours thinking about, waiting to do, doing and regretting. However, the other reason is for accountability. So, I had to think of a lie, a solid reason that I'd need to buy drugs from someone when I was my new, sober self. I said it was for someone else (which I know sounds like 'my dog ate my homework' level of ********) but people do and have asked me before so no one was any the wiser or even suspicious.

The coke sat in my pocket, burning a hole in my mind for the rest of my shift - a good few hours. I've never enjoyed cocaine without drinking so next on my mission of deception was how to obtain the booze.

I'm in a pub! Easy! But again, everyone is proud of me, rooting for me. Which for the first time in 30 days pissed me off. 'Just let me have one night off, for ****'s sake.'

So, I found a recipe online (I've been cooking a lot lately). It required 400ml of red wine - not that anyone asked for the proof. I put 2 large glasses of Malbec through the till, decanted them into a pint glass and took it home, with a 'ugh, this stinks' thrown in for good measure as I left.

As I type, I've been home over an hour, drank said wine and had a couple of lines. I don't feel bad yet but I know I will tomorrow. Physically and mentally. I'm frustrated, disappointed but also in some strange way I'm relieved. My first (and hopefully last) relapse is out of the way. Now I can remind myself why I'm choosing a life of sobriety.

I'm 26 years old, I've taken drugs and drank since I was 15 and 30 days is by far my longest stint of sobriety. There is absolutely no doubt that I felt 100% better for it, but I miss my old life. I loved drinking alone, listening to my music, finally able to respond to those ignored texts and calls. But I had hit rock bottom too many times.

Underweight, pale, blotchy, anxious, depressed, suicidal, even psychotic at certain stages.

I'm disappointed in myself, yes. Overwhelmed, scared. But I made a mistake and I hope - I will - learn from this and take each day as it comes.

Kiana

Hi Kiana, getting through 30 days without drugs or alcohol is great. I'm sorry you relapsed but it sounds like you are ready to get back to sobriety.

When I stopped drinking I realized that the stopping drinking was just the beginning. I had to make a lot of other changes in my life to support my recovery. You mentioned that people you used to drink with are a trigger for you, and that's very common. Maybe you could think about some activities or people in your life that don't involve alcohol or drugs, and try to build on those?

The early days are hard, but please know that you're not alone.

Hi Kiana

It's hard to quit if you're still in love with that old life, or at least aspects of it..
I had that too, even tho my drinking nearly killed me. It was like being in love with my jailer.

Funny thing was tho, the longer I stayed clean and sober, the more I loved that new life, and the more I relaised what a l,ie the old life was.

It wasn't happiness, it was anaesthesia.
It wasn't bliss, it was oblivion.

It wasn't freedom - it was living in chains.

Stick around - there's a ton of support here and that support really helped me work out what I wanted from my life and how I might get there.

I'm glad you found us :)

D

I learned very early on in recovery that those who stayed sober had changed everything; people, places, things, and crucially themselves too one day at a time. For me I couldn’t be around people who drank or took drugs when I was getting sober, after a while I had no interest in those type of people any way.

For me I had to and will always put my sobriety and recovery no1 priority in my life as without it I don’t have a life worth living anyway.

Welcome, glad you are here and sharing your thoughts.

What worked for me was changing every aspect of my life.

I had set my life up to support my daily drinking, I changed it to the opposite.

I changed it to support me NOT drinking. I also made realised I had to give staying sober top priority in my life. I put it above everything else and strongly protect it.

All the best to you.

Welcome to SR Kiana

The "I deserve a drink, because I've done so well" puzzled me in a new way as I read the opening post. I've never thought about how irrational that is, even though I had been there years ago. Now this thought comes out of our AV, which is not a paragon of rational thought or critical thinking, and we can't expect anything from our AV to be a source of wisdom.

I usually recognized that aspect of "taking a break from recovery" as pure baloney once I actually got started in recovery, but before that, when I had thoughts of, "I've done so well," the next drink was usually taken with the intent to "just take the edge off my craving." Now this was a little less baloney in that it was an honest attempt to deal with my addiction. The problem was not my AV lying to myself. It was based on an honest lack of knowledge about the mechanism of addiction, and an honest ignorance about the solution. In other words, it made perfect sense. But of course, it was still me making a choice without any actual knowledge or understanding about what I was doing.

I still crave. It sucks.

The addiction will do anything to get the fix.

I suffer at times almost daily, but it gets easier.

The crave morphs.

Suffering and time. Sweets trick the brain. Exercise is amazing. I post/read SR a lot and try to do nice things. It seems to help.

Thanks.

Hi Kiana, welcome to SR!

Thank you for that opening post. You have told the story really well.

I can see lots of red flags there. For example, old friends who still ask you to call your dealer for them! 30 days of being clean is a great accomplishment, but it's still relatively early. You are right there in the old milieu where you used to be when you were using cocaine and that's a major red flag.

But that's probably something to get into as you get to know SR and SR gets to know you.

For now ... it's so important you're here and committed to staying clean. You'll find lots of support here.

Hi Kiana. You are so wise to get this thing figured out at such a young age. How did your day go today??

At 26 there is much potential ahead, its almost like a blank sheet of paper.

One thing that may help at that age is to find something or things to get totally consumed with. Hatred of cocaine and no room for it because you have something else more important. It could be a total dedication to fitness, to education/some field of study. How can you build the body you want, the career you want? Dream these dreams and refuse to let cocaine or any of these yo yo people get in the way.

Stick around, it usually takes more then willpower alone but i think a little is a prerequisite.