Distancing Yourself From Drinking Friends
 

Hi All,

I’m in need of your advice and wisdom. I have a friend group from college made up of 10 women where we get together around 2-4 times a year and they are always big drinking events.

I avoided Friendsgiving this year because I had a procedure done a few days before and it was better for me not to attend. Now they’re asking for what dates work for a Christmas get together in January. I’ve been avoiding the group chat and have not answered which I can continue to do, but I really do care about these people and don’t want them to feel as though I’m cutting them off or rejecting them. I also don’t feel comfortable sharing with all of them (some I have already told) that I quit drinking. I don’t want to ghost them because we have been in each other’s lives for over a decade, but I’ve found through months of introspection that some of these relationships have run their course and I want to move on/it’s not healthy for me to keep exposing myself to these negative relationships.

Any thoughts on how you would handle this situation?

Those are tough things to think about Bodhi. Early on I couldn't attend friend get-togethers that centered around drinking. There is no way I would have stayed sober. I had a similar group of friends as you describe and I suspect many do. Once I let the people in that group that I cared about and trusted know that I wasn't drinking anymore, I was no longer invited to and was no longer interested in attending the larger group things. It was a relief really. And the people in my friend group who trusted me and cared about me reached out and to this day we are closer than ever. I have far fewer relationships today two years sober than I did during my drinking days, but all of my relationships are now two-way streets and are relationships that I can rely on.

The large group drinking gatherings still happen but they happen without me and that is just fine. As with your group, there were many members of my group that I am well rid of. The ones that you love and who love you back though will still be a big part of your life because those were the only genuine relationships to begin with.

Hi Bodhi :)

At the end of my drinking most of my social group were alcoholics like me and we naturally drifted apart once I showed I was serious about recovery.

I did end up reconnecting with a lot of old friends then tho. I personally didn't hide my drinking problem but, with the hindsight of 15 years recovery now, I think you merely need to say 'I don't drink anymore'.

Thats it.

You may feel as if you need to join the dots (I'm trying to have a baby, I don't enjoy drinking anymore, I want to look after my health)... but you really don't need to.

I thought everyone else took drinking as seriously as I did.
I found that, by and large, they do not. :)

In my experience the expectation of a explanation came from me far more than it did from anyone else.

D

I have found the same as Dee. When I first got sober I avoided drinking events, as time went on I started saying I don’t drink anymore, or I don’t drink. It felt awkward at first, because I felt like people were going to question or ask for an explanation, none did. Now when I’m out most people know I don’t drink alcohol, and if I’m in a social situation where others are drinking I have soda or sparkling water and nobody ever questions.

I found it easier to simply not get together with drinking friends than it was to worry about how to handle it. That may be rude, but I didn't care. Worrying causes stress. I didn't want to add stress to sobriety. Sobriety was too important, and was priority #1 in all situations with no exceptions Could I have handled being with drinking friends? Maybe, but my sobriety was worth draconian measures, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to quit all over again. If my friends had asked why I was a no show, I would have told them exactly why, and I wouldn't hold much back.

But that's just me.

I wrote out a long response and my internet went down......
Take 2!

Your recovery is your business. You get to choose the conversations you have regarding your personal matters. You get to choose where you go and who you spend your time with. With all encouragement, do not be concerned about what others think, how you will be perceived, how you choose to walk. The only one that truly matters is YOU. It is okay to say "No, I will not be attending. I have other obligations. Yes, it is for the entire month of January!" :)

I attended a dinner a few months back and It was the first I had gone out since I got sober and since the pandemic hit. I was a bit apprehensive of how to handle the situation. Some assumptions were made as to why I did not drink at the dinner and I let those assumptions be what they were. I didn't lie. I also didn't offer up anything. Its my business. I don't have to say anything about my personal matters. So, you do you. Whatever you do stay true to yourself and know that you do not owe anyone an explanation.

It is okay to step back and to re-evaluate your friendships. Life is full of change!

Early recovery is often a time of hard decisions. Like you, I was very aware of toxic relationships in my life when I began recovery. I distanced myself and was surprised that I felt good about it. In fact, when I removed a few people from my life, the Universe brought two amazing women into my life. It was as if I had made space in my life for new friends. As others have said, don't feel obliged to make excuses for your decision to not drink.

Oh Bodhi, I feel for you.

The couple that interrogated the hell out of me at their northern cabin in September are coming to visit for three days in March.

‘K’ just texted me a few days ago and told us the dates, “and I need to speak to you alone ». OMG. Like your parents dysfunctionally tellin you “wait until your mom/dad get home”. Part of the torture to wonder WTF is up.

i said the dates were good, asked if everything is ok, and there was no need for us to talk alone. I told Dr Free to never leave me alone….. I’m dreading it.

His late wife was good friends with her (she sent me late wife’s dress to wear to marry Dr Free🧐🤨). Her husband is a Dr friend of Dr Free.

Just going to be busy and not alone, and still say because I will be pressed, ‘yep, like not drinking, I feel so much better’.

In relationships, I basically just be me. No detailed explaining or justifying of me. Just me. Nor do I need detailed explanations or justifying from the other person. Doing that helps me figure who is a friend and who is an acquaintance.

I still have friends from 45 years ago when I was an alcoholic. We all drank a lot back then, I just drank more and more frequently than they did. I have been in recovery for 18 years now. They probably still drink, but I honestly couldn't tell you. It isn't important.

They are still my friends. We don't get together very often due to a 3,000 mile geographic difference; but when we do, it is just like I saw them yesterday. It is comfortable. It is friendship.

I couldn't tell you much about my acquaintances from 45 years ago, unless I check google first.

Thanks for your post. It stirred up some warm fuzzy memories. I need to get busy with some emails. Thanks!

Hi Bodhi, I’ve done a lot of soul searching over this same topic. I’ve recently decided my drinking buddies, who I met at uni in the 1990s, will have to be sidelined. We’ve been abroad together, weddings, funerals and supported each other through rough times. One friend’s wife died aged 42, and that was tough. But all they do now is drink. I’ve had a few ups and downs myself, and there were no e-mails or text messages which would’ve made a big difference. They’re a bit old school and macho for such reaching out. I’m not going to sit in a pub for their benefit. If I suggest something else, it gets regretted. Sadly, it’s time to move on.

If your friends can’t do anything else except drink, are they really worth keeping hold of?

You owe no explanations of why you're not drinking. And if they ask why, just repeat "I'm not drinking". If they ask a third time, I ask them if my not drinking bothers them. That usually shuts them up. ;)

^^ I like that least.

For me I definitely had to put a brick wall between me and drinking events/people. I use to cave too easily. At 18 months I still haven't tried, I just don't want to risk it.

If relationships are negative to your well-being then I would say they’re better off avoided in general. For me I was just straight with friends: I don’t drink because I’m an alcoholic.

All good advice here, Bodhi. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it, if it is a threat to your sobriety, well, it's just out of the realm of possibility. As for not telling people you are not drinking anymore, they most likely won't care and the ones that do probably need to be cut loose anyway. Remember, people stop drinking every day and they aren't necessarily addicts. Some quit for health, some don't like it any more, some may just want to save money. So saying you don't drink anymore isn't a stigma, it's just a behavior you don't do any longer. I found when I came clean with people I actually felt better, now I was being my authentic self. A non-drinking person, not a just a person who was not drinking right now. It also took drinking off the table for me completely from a mental standpoint- I said I don't drink so I couldn't very well just pick up. By telling others, I really closed the door on my drinking self even further. Accountability and authenticity. They actually make me feel better than drinking ever did.

I find that once I say “I can’t drink anymore,” that’s usually the end of it. People don’t care nearly as much as I thought they would.

Now if we’re talking events that *revolve* around heavy drinking (where getting drunk is “the point”), I tend to avoid them now. I’ve skipped outright whiskey tastings or bourbon nights — but I’ll host events with the same groups of people focused on food (fish fries or smoking food/watching a game), campfires, cigars by the lake, yard games. I’m usually doing all the cooking which I enjoy.

All the fun, none of the hangover or withdrawals.

My advice is don’t overthink it. You may be surprised to find that people don’t care that much (and if they do, it’s probably because of insecurities around their own levels of drinking). The only people who were really upset about my not drinking anymore had serious drinking problems themselves; can’t concern yourself with other people’s raging AVs. I don’t listen to my own anymore, I’m not gonna hear from someone else’s :).

Hope it goes well!!

I agree with what Least said in her post.

My best friend during my college years was very often my drinking buddy, and we drank to excess on more occasions than I care to remember. After we both married we lost contact and I didn't see him for 30 some years which I considered a good thing because of our mutually self destructive drinking. A few years ago my wife and he connected on Facebook and then I did too. He happened to live in a city in Florida that we were going to on vacation in a few weeks, and we made arrangements to reconnect after so many years.

It turns out that he was very active in AA and so was I at the time. We ended up going to a several AA meetings together and it was a great way to reinvent our friendship. We both went through alcoholic hell and managed to come out the other side into sobriety.

I love this!!!!!!!

Evoo and everyone else, great responses !