Pekelover2

I’m very sad.
I’m 52 years old. I’m happily married. I have a great education and a great job. I’m a runner, a cyclist and a scuba diver. I have wonderful friends and a loving family.
Alcohol has been a problem for me. It began in my late 20’s.
I was sober for two and half years.
Recently I began to drink again. My definition of drinking is very infrequently. But very intensely. I’m a very petite female. But I can drink a lot. The typical night is to drink until I blackout.
I’m furious with myself. I’ve hurt my husband and I’ve embarrassed myself. I want to stop. I made so much progress. But now I’m feeling defeated.

I went to AA in my town. It was hard to align myself with someone who seemed like me. I felt like everyone else different from me.

One of the best ways that I know not to drink is to make early morning running plans with friends. I don’t like to let ppl down. So I try to run with them at 6am. But on off days I started to revert to my previous behavior(s).
I’ve been lurking here for a while.
Thank you so much for listening.
I’m so sad.

VikingGF

Welcome, Pekelover2. Two and a half years is great- bet you learned a lot and gained some worthy tools during that time.

What can you do differently to get back to your sober life and keep it? The first thing is stop drinking now, and make a plan. I know there will be plenty of support for you here.

Hevyn

Welcome Pekelover - I'm so glad you decided to post.
I drank most of my life. It had been fun & relaxing in the beginning. It seemed to make a good time better. Over the years, my tolerance increased greatly. I remember feeling giddy on a can of beer. In the end, I could drink all day & barely feel it. I never admitted my life was out of control until I was older than you. So the chaos & damage continued because I insisted I could manage the amounts I drank. It took me years to acknowledge that once the first drink hit me, all my determination to have 'one or two' was lost. It was - as you said - drink until blackout. In my case, it changed my personality into someone unrecognizable. I was hurting & confusing everyone, barely keeping it together at work or home. I could not be counted on to be rational or sensible.
Coming to SR and talking about it made all the difference to me. I had no one in my life to discuss it with - no one who truly understood. The empathy & support I found here helped me grow strong enough to end the nightmare. You can do it, too.

Dee74

welcome aboard pekelover
I think you'll find this a very friendly place, and lots of stories and people that will sound familiar to you

you're not alone

D

Pekelover2

Thank you Viking, Hevyn and Dee. I appreciate your replies.
Viking, we could we be twins. I read your reply as if it were my own. Thank you for your candor. My personality when drunk is a dark contrast to my normal self. I’ve said and done things that are truly awful. I don’t recognize myself. It’s humiliating.

None of my friends drink. The only person who does is my husband. He drinks infrequently, but obviously it triggers me a bit.
Its funny, in my life I’ve showned discipline in so many areas: academics, physical fitness, eating healthy etc . But I’m struggling so much with this. I feel deprived. And that’s ridiculous.

Dee74

It is ridiculous. But you really can leave it behind

D

Hevyn

Yes, it was terrifying who I became when drinking. The horror of waking up & not remembering how we got to bed - what we said or did - it is so wonderful to be free of all that.

D122y

I quickly learned here that booze is a drug. Like meth, pot, coke, opiates etc etc. I was an active addict.

Even though i sometimes would take weeks off of drinking, I would end up drinking too much at some point if the door was open.

Addicts brains are forever damaged and they will always crave. Even folks that drink just a few times a year are in danger of over doing it and ruining their life.

A local millionaire just killed someone while driving too fast while intoxicated. His life as he knew it is over. Another one just crashed while drunk and died in the fire. Dead from being a drunk. Soooooo sad and preventable.

The only way I know to stay clean is to understand I will alway crave and the crave can come on from any trigger. Good, bad, indifferent.

Since you are a runner, you can generate a natural high, whether you feel it or not, you get it. The body creates dopamine etc. when we exercise.

There are other ways to get high on life. Show, movies, books, projects, etc etc. Basically, doing things that are fun and/or nice.

The main thing is I know, personally, internally, and here of course, that I am a drug addict. I am an addict for life. Booze is my drug of choice.

The rest of the world thinks I quit because I decide I don't like booze anymore. I don't like being drunk, I don't like hang overs. This is true as well.

But the real dark truth is I am a drug addict.

I can never ever ever drink again. It will destroy me.

Blah blah blah. Addicts obsess over booze. You will never regret unlearning the addiction.

I have never woke up and wished I had drank the day before. This has never ever happened. There is no net gain from drinking booze. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero.

Booze is poison. I hate the stuff.

Love always.

Thanks for the therapy.

LoveHateWhine

Welcome, Pekelover. You will find lots of support here and as many others have said, we can be free of it. To me there is nothing worse than waking up without a clue of what time I went to bed, who I drunk dialed or texted, and in one case, drunk FaceTimed! Just think, we never have to experience any of that again!

least

Welcome Pekelover! (we have lots of animal lovers here )

I give SR a lot of the credit for my staying sober in my early weeks and months. I came here to read and post and get support. I'll have 12 yrs next month and they've been pretty good years. I've had my ups and downs but I faced my troubles with a clear head and handled things much better than I used to do.

So glad you joined us! I think you'll find lots of support and useful info here.

anxiousrock

Welcome! I also drink infrequently. Or so I think. It gets more and more as it progresses, as it does to everyone.
you already know you can quit, as you did for over 2 years. Amazing.
quit while you're ahead

user1

You did a wonderful job with your 2.5yr of sobriety. You can do it again.
Progress little by little.

DriGuy

I was 52 when I took my last drink, and like you I was a very active person, but I drank every night. I don't think I ever blacked out, but there were times when I couldn't remember the night before. What I did, I wasn't sure, but I definitely remembered getting soused. To be honest, while I prided myself on my stamina and physical abilities, I was starting to fade, and I was acutely aware that alcohol was playing a part in that.

That awareness should be a key indicator to anyone who prides themselves on their health. High school athletes may pride themselves on being able to contribute to the team in spite of tying one on the night before, but you and I know, that while they may be good at what they do, alcohol still compromises them so that they are not functioning at their peak. And these compromises play a bigger role in our well being as we age.

In fact we are all different at least in most ways. But it's also true that all alcoholics have at least one thing in common in that we can't control our drinking once we start, and also we all seem to use very similar rationalizations to justify our most stupid behaviors. I went to AA, and I was captivated by many of my similarities with others, and that helped me accept who I was and what I had to do. But I was also aware of how different I was from the group as a whole, so much so that I realized I was going to have to design my own program of recovery, which served me well. I haven't had a drink in 25 years.

I hike everyday, rain or shine, although not the killer distances I used to, and I've recently started working with free weights, not to "bulk up," but to just strengthen specific muscles that seem to need a bit of help during my hikes. I call this "fun" because I really do enjoy being healthy, and I want to promote this for as long as I can.

If you are a physically active person, you should be aware by now that alcohol does nothing to promote good health. You may convince yourself it doesn't hurt that much (as I did), but I am now fully aware that it was my alcoholism that was telling me "a little bit" wouldn't hurt (even though I never ever drank "just a little bit.")

It's good to have you here. I hope you can find this forum useful.

Pekelover2

Driguy, lovehatewhine, user1, anxiousrock, least, D122y,
thank you all so much for your replies. Reading your comments was exactly what I needed right now. I don’t feel as alone as I did before.
I’m weary of the lies that I tell myself. That I “deserve to drink”. Or that I can have “just one drink”. Waking up with no memory of the night before is terrifying. I don’t want to live this way anymore
Thank you all again.

Triggered

That's because they are. It's been said before, we are a community of individuals with many things in common. A group of individuals by it's very definition will have differences. And it wouldnt be any different at an AA meeting. It's ok to be yourself and like any community that tackles addiction, take what you need and leave the rest.
When it comes to looking for help or camaraderie or just a sense of belonging, I tend to seek out the similarities rather than differences. Compare, contrast and learn.

Free2bme888

Welcome pekelover!

Being here is a great start.

If you are on iPhone in US, Get the desktop version by tapping the Aa in the upper left corner and scrolling down. If that doesn’t work by itself, after you do the above, scroll down until you see a horizontal bar that says ‘desktop site/version’. Two that, and you will be able to navigate a wonderful, caring world of understanding addicts, some recovered many years, some newly recovered, some still struggling.

Much love to you dear, you are worth the effort to change your life.

🤓😍

Anna

Welcome and you're definitely not alone. We do understand how this disease pulls us down. It sounds like you're ready to make a change in your life and we're here for you. You can always come here and post and read to bolster your spirit.

Pondlady

Pekelover2, I see myself in your story . I had such a sense of disappointment in myself, knowing I wasn't living to my potential. Exercise is a big part of my healthy lifestyle and it sounds like it's helpful to you too.

MissPerfumado

Welcome pekelover!

I covered up my alcoholism with physical fitness, especially running. Everyone thought I was healthy but I wasn't. It was part of the facade I built.

Right up to the day I quit, I was in denial about how bad my drinking had become. I too had the great education and job, but I could see I was on the precipice, staring into an abyss of losing everything I had worked for. Again, anyone looking at me would've thought I had it all. But I was not far away from total destruction and that made me afraid.

That fear took me to a doctor's office, and to finally admitting to her how bad my drinking had become. That admission stripped away the last vestiges of denial and in that moment I surrendered to the truth. From then on, I applied all the diligence and drive I had shown in other areas of my life - fitness, academics, career - to quitting drinking. It became the biggest project I could undertake. I made a plan, I made lists of triggers and strategies, I got onto SR daily and joined a class here, I enlisted a counsellor. I told myself that I wasn't the type who failed, and I wasn't going to fail at this.

This approach worked for me. But discipline alone is not the answer. First, you have to admit to yourself that you cannot drink any more. Once you have that internal acceptance, you can apply all of your considerable life skills to making sure you stick to it.

Pekelover2

Miss Perfumado, Pondlady, Anna, free2be, Triggered,
thanks so much for your thoughtfulness. I really can’t tell you how much I needed to read these replies tonight.
I’m so scared and tired. I just want to stop living this lie. I know that I can do it. I’ve done it before. Life is so much better without alcohol. I want my self respect back. I don’t feel like I exhibited a modicum of decorum lately. It’s just been awful.

I’m worth working on.