Pekelover2

D122y, what you wrote:

[QUOTE=[color=#000000]A local millionaire just killed someone while driving too fast while intoxicated. His life as he knew it is over. Another one just crashed while drunk and died in the fire. Dead from being a drunk. Soooooo sad and preventable.[/color]D122y;7727727]

Pekelover2

Sorry, D122y, I don’t know how to properly use quotes. But I meant to say that what you wrote was terrible. I read a story about a woman in CA who was “drag racing” (I’m not exactly sure what that is). But evidently she was speaking and racing another car and she was very drunk. She killed two you boys.

DriGuy

We do lie to ourselves about our drinking. That's the denial part of alcoholism. But I don't think I ever thought about my alcoholism as "living a lie." Well, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe a significant part was living a lie. I pictured myself as that guy that worked hard and played hard, the guy that was all about kicking back and relaxing with a drink as a sophisticated adult. I even had the right glasses and snifters for the right types of alcohol. Those visions of myself and others, were all lies, except toward the end of my downward spiral when I started to see myself as a person losing my sanity that was worthy of mostly pity or disgust. Maybe those were lies too, because I know now that I'm better than that.

So when you say you want your self respect back, that was very much a part of my transition to a better life, because at the end of my spiral, I certainly didn't respect myself, and that's a shameful but undeniable self assessment to have to make.

Wanting these good things back is only a first step. The next step is actually taking it back, and that is harder, because it involves some serious of behavior change. It involves doing what you know you have to do. The one part of this that surprised me is that just quitting alcohol for good played an enormous part in accomplishing my goals. I didn't have to do all those heady philosophical self improvement rituals for most of my recovery. OK, I did a couple of things that I realized I had to do, but just quitting alcohol seemed to automatically steer me onto the right paths. Most of the time, we hear we can't just quit drinking to be in successful recovery, and while that is true to an extent, it seems to me like I didn't have to make a big deal out of it. I think it may be over emphasized, but as in all of this, it's different for each of us. For me "just putting the plug in the jug," which is often portrayed as a "recovery no-no" seemed to work miracles by itself.

You will have to weigh this and many other things on your own, but be careful not to over complicate things into a relapse. Just do what you need to do first. I like the often used cliche', "Keep it simple!" Don't make recovery harder than it needs to be. It's hard enough just to get through the early cravings and then to learn to recognize your AV and how to ignore it.

BackandScared

This thought always helps me with cravings but really did not work with quitting because (at least for me) listing the good things that could happen when sober were never enough to get me starting. You must quit first and then the good stuff comes. You are applying the wrong logic, waiting for 'something' to make you stop.

You will not quit drinking when your friends call you for 6 am runs. You will start magically running consistently when you quit drinking.

At least that's how it worked for me. While I always run and I recognise your thought process, I think you have reached the point where you must quit for anything else to really happen to you.

As long as my focus was anything else, I did not manage to make it. Once I decided I would just quit, whatever it took, whatever the consequences (e.g. 'confessing' to my husband and accepting he could just leave), it did not happen. I am now well over 2 years sober, and your post is also a good reminder that I should stay in this path.

Surrendered19

You have so much great going on Pekelover. Alcohol will eventually take all that away from you. You know that as you were sober 2.5 years once. It is such a superior way to live. You are obviously a person that is highly accomplished in so many areas of your life. But you cannot project-manage this one and addiction seems to feed with particular zeal on the powerful, accomplished, those with superior intellect and native abilities. Quitting the drink takes some humility and a final admission that you cannot drink ever again. But once you do that, staying quit for good becomes much easier and your drinking life is just something that fades into your rearview mirror.

Pekelover2

Thank you guys (Driguy, backandscared, and Surendered) so much for these replies.

I kept very busy tonight. I cleaned the floors. I ran with my chest lamp. I did chest/shoulders with my weights. I read my book. It was quiet. But I’m going to be sober when I wake up in a few hours. And I’m so happy about that.

Thank you again!!

Alpine

Good for you! I have been struggling a bit lately..We can do this !!

VikingGF

Good work, Pekelover!!! So glad to hear you're doing well.

DriGuy

Any cravings or trash talk from your AV?

Anna

Pekelover, you're doing great! I hope you check in later and let us know how you're doing.

MissPerfumado

Keep it up, pekelover!

I had masses of energy and optimism in the first few weeks of sobriety. I exercised daily and finished projects around the house. I read, mostly books about alcoholism and what it does to people, those were very motivating. The more I accomplished, the better I felt about myself. The better I felt about myself, the more motivated I was to continue.

If you start to feel a little de-energised or demotivated, don't despair or feel tempted to drink ... it's normal for some downs to accompany the ups. I was more up than down and you may find you are the same. Just keep going and come here for support whenever you need it.

Alpine

This is me to a T. I needed to read your last 3 sentences tonight. Thanks!!

Pekelover2

Thank you all so much!
(Dryguy, what does “AV” mean?)

I rode my bike out and rode for about twenty miles today. It felt good. I walked my dogs with a friend and her dog. (I was off today). My husband was off this evening. He drank a bottle of wine. That was tough. I wanted to watch a movie. But he didn’t want to. So i went to bed and I’m reading now. I can’t ask him to stop. I’m the one with the blackout issues. I have to focus on myself now.
It sounds selfish. But I can’t handle another person’s issues right now. His job is stressful. I need to take care of me now.

Running tomorrow with two friends. Weather has been nice.
Thank you all so much. I’m scared. But feeling better. 💕

Surrendered19

Your Alcoholic Voice is that dirty little bugger that lives in your head and gives your all sorts of rational reasons to drink. Catching up with your Hubby who is a bottle of wine into the night but doesn't want to watch a movie. Your AV may have been giving you reasons that a connection with your spouse could well be accomplished by joining him with some wine.

The thing to remember is that your AV doesn't have any limbs and cannot walk, so it cannot go get some booze by itself. Only you can do that.

Enjoy your active pursuits today and tomorrow and don't drink on Thanksgiving or the weekend. Stay on your path.

Pekelover2

So we’ll-said Surrendered. Thank you!

Pekelover2

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last night was hard.
M husband drank his (normal) bottle of wine. I cooked us dinner. Then a friend stopped by and dropped of her “homemade” Kauhluoa. (I can’t spell that word, sorry). I wanted to throw it down the sink. But my husband wanted to hide it. So I let him do that.
Later on in the evening, he brought it out and drank half of it. He offered me the other half of the bottle. I poured it out. But it was hard.
Today is Thanksgiving. And my husband leaves for work soon. (He works in the ER). I’ll be okay.
I’m babysitting a friend’s kids tomorrow early. So I won’t drink because of that.
Feeling sad. Petting my dogs.
Thanks.

Dee74

it will get easier pekelover - you're doing well

D

MissPerfumado

Happy Thanksgiving pekelover!

Given that your drinking has caused friction with your husband, is it possible to make him understand that you've stopped and he should not be offering you alcohol? You're not asking him to stop (which is hard enough in itself, that he's still drinking), but tempting you that way seems inconsiderate.

Pekelover2

MissP
I agree with your comments. 💕
I think my husband saw me standing there as he poured himself the alcohol. And he felt guilty. (He’s always feeling guilty about drinking in front of me).
But it’s my problem. And if it’s not him asking me if i want some alcohol, then it will be someone else. I have to be strong.
I read a lot today. I did Pilates. I spoke with some family.
I’m hanging on.

KittyMama00

Welcome Pekelover2! I read similarities between our stories, in that I have also maintained sobriety in the past two different times; two years in 2001 and 18 months in 2009. But I drank again in 2010 and continued to drink (until 88 days ago, so that's 11 more years) even though my career was teaching Yoga and Barre, and my lifestyle was extremely active, where I would take daily cycling classes, daily barre classes, and practice Yoga above and beyond my teaching. I would accept 6:00 am teaching jobs so that I wouldn't drink wine the night before, but really this never stopped me! I ended up just teaching hungover, breath smelling of alcohol and holding back throwing up/dizziness...it was terrible.
I am also in my fifties - 54- and before I quit drinking August 30th, 2021, I coughed up blood one night that month after drinking two bottles of wine. I had gained 20 lbs., raised my cholesterol to alarming levels, and nearly put myself into prime candidacy for heart disease and cancer (according to my Physician). Since then my primary objective, the most important goal in my life is to not drink now, and build upon that moment by moment until it becomes never again.
AA really helped me in 2009, and when I left I drank again. Remember, what you (we) have in common with people in AA is the desire to stop drinking. Also, I have found that being honest with people around me about my sobriety has introduced me to other sober people....there are alot of people out there who are choosing to not drink!
I hope that you keep coming back here and sharing, and reading encouraging posts. Sober Recovery has helped me stay sober everyday, and I no longer have to bargain my way through drinking ever again, because I am choosing not to drink now.
Happy Thanksgiving, I am grateful for you and your honesty!