freedomfries

Some thoughts on day 11. I'm not really quitting for me. I know you're supposed to, but I'm really not. I just want people to think I'm a better person. And I don't want to be homeless. Like I think a year down the line, I'm not imagining improved mental and physical health or anything. I'm just imagining repairing relationships and stuff. :/ And people thinking "he's really got his **** together, I never thought he would".

I suppose on some level it doesn't matter where your motivation comes from. But I feel like, ill turn my life around and still be wishing I could drink without upsetting anyone.

UNITE4STRENGTH

FF, this addiction will entertain us until we have nothing left. By continuing to drink we will lose it all, eventually......and in the time between, life just won't work anyway. We are problem drinkers, alcoholics, binge drinkers. l lost another 9 years by not committing fully. It gets worse, never better. I understand you are on your own journey, your own path though, so your thoughts, feelings, wants, beliefs will all come into play. It absolutely must be for you. Everyone else admiring you and accepting you is the secondary gain. You can absorb the glory after you take the dignity back for yourself first and foremost. Obviously I don't know you but from your posts you seem like a bright person. Let's give up this one thing so that we may have everything else that's on offer. Without a full and total commitment, we have no chance. It'll all be a dream.

UNITE4STRENGTH

Loving the honesty here though and well done for sharing your thoughts - it is absolutely the right thing to do!

Dee74

I know I could convince myself black was white if it got me another drink.

The danger of thinking that you're not really quitting for yourself is that you accept periodic relapses because it's not 'real' recovery anyway.

Wanting to be seen as a better person is for you. Wanting to mend fences with your sibling, going back to Uni and finding a partner are all things that are not as likely to happen if you keep drinking - those things are for you too.

A stable mental health is also something thats for you and sobriety will help that - drinking won't.

Don't let that voice trick you into second best.

D

PeacefulWater12

If we quit for "other people" or spouse or family or a job or anything outside of us, our addiction will use this to get us back drinking again.

Like, hey these people aren't appreciating me enough, complimenting me about my quit enough, seeing enough difference in me, etc etc.

Then our addiction will use this to make it ok for us to drink again. Then blame it on other people.

DriGuy

FF, I think you are over-complicating the whole thing.

freedomfries

I'm just after finishing RR so on a bit of a high from that. And the promises in the book that I can fix my non alcohol problems now that I'm sober are very appealing.

I don't know. Its very early days. im glad I'm not hungover and resorting to less traditional alcohol since beer isn't legal for another 45 minutes. I'm glad I got a good night's sleep. I'm glad I'll eat well today and not be all drunkorexic. Im glad I don't have to check my phone and see what nonsense I texted. There are some parts of sobriety I really like for me.

UNITE4STRENGTH

We can become addicted to compulsive self sabotage. Building ourselves up just to tear ourselves back down. It becomes a very familiar cycle that we get used to - it feels comfortable despite the consequences. And we think we are getting away with it. We are not though, in any way.

Jupiter11

I was quitting, because my daughter threatened to cut all ties. I thought I was quitting for her. Then she accused me of drinking when I wasn't, so like a brat, I drank.

This time, yes, keeping her in my life is one of the major reasons I want to quit ( as Dee says, that's for me).
At various times I have wanted to quit for various reasons and various people who threatened to cut me out of their lives because of my behaviour drunk.

But at the end of the day, it's me that has ended up in debt, in trouble with the law, with my health, lying shaking in bed, terrified of dying, terrified of life, terrified that the people I love will have finally had enough
So this time it has to start roots up, for me

freedomfries

That's true. I have this fantasy that if nobody minded my drinking, I could drink and be happy. But I'm not happy going through withdrawals in a cell and other situations drinking lead to. Drinking causes me pain as much as my loved ones. And it's not like I'm happy getting drunk. Mostly I watch sad YouTube videos while drunk lol and just wallow in sadness

Triggered

I'm little confused here.... everything you mentioned says it really is doing it for you

I could understand your reservations if you said something like 'my partner will leave me if I dont stop' but everything you mentioned points to self improvement.I dont see anything wrong in wanting to present a better version of yourself by quitting.. As Dri says (love all your posts btw Dri)...you may be over complicating things

Hodd

I quit for me, yes. But as a result I then inadvertently went from being a miserable, negative and spiteful individual into a more positive and thoughtful guy. Do you know what I did just now? I was stood on a traffic island crossing a busy road, and I saw a discarded banana skin. I could imagine better places to trip on banana skin, so I picked it up and threw it in a bin. Now it’s unlikely anyone would’ve come to harm, but it didn’t take any time or effort on my part to chuck it in the bin. If you quit yourself, you’ll surprise yourself and become a better person for everyone.

VikingGF

I don’t think I ever felt like deserved good or happy things and so I kept drinking. I would often say to myself, “You are not a quality person.” I don’t think one person who knows me would ever say that of me. Somehow, now that I quit, for ME, because no one cares if I drink, I was only trouble to me, not them, I feel like I have been so unfair to myself for so long. So, I quit for me, I stay quit for me, and I feel like I’m becoming a quality person.

ScottFromWI

We all ( addicts ) have fantasies that are similar. And almost all of them have the same core issue - we want something we can never have, which is why it's a fantasy to begin with.

I won't lie that there are times in my life when I wish I wasn't an alcoholic, it happens pretty often actually. Seeing people enjoy good times with friends over a few beers, having a drink with dinner, even the blowout guys drinking weekends I used to participate in sometimes creep into my mind in the category of "Fun".

Having said that, what turned the corner for me was accepting my situation and then realizing that being sober is overall a much better way to live my life. Not a PERFECT way to life my life of course, there is no such thing. Life is filled with disappointment, fear and pain whether we drink or not. Our addiction tries to use all those little loopholes to get us back drinking again. You appear to still be in the bargaining stage at this point, which we all go through - weighing the pros and cons of being sober vs continuing to drink. You see the benefits, but at some level you still probably haven't made the decision to go "all in" - which is what it takes. Just my opinion looking in from the outside of course, I lived in that world of denial/bargaining for many/many years. Oh how I wish I would have made the decision when I was younger, but alas I did not. However, we all still have today to make a change.

Steely

Quit for whatever reason you like, just so long as you Quit!

Evoo

It's impossible for you to know what a sober version of yourself will be thinking and feeling a year from now, believe me .

When we are immersed in our addictions, it warps your thinking, your perception of yourself, your understanding of what brings happiness or peace - and though it may seem unfathomable now... most of that thinking is dead wrong. I used to associate the idea of sobriety with all the things that accompany hangover and withdrawal... because I didn't feel "normal" or my "best self" without alcohol in my system. That's what a chemical addiction is. Once you escape those bonds, you'll be shocked at how your life and perspective may shift with time.

But first you've got to start that journey . Good luck.

nez

Go with those for now and the longer you are sober, the more parts you will find that you really like for you.

Jupiter11

I have JUST realised, after 20 0dd years of this madness, that the people I love, suffer when I suffer. If I am not suffering neither do they. So to put an end to my own suffering, puts an end to theirs. I say this as not just an addict, but as an addicts mother

silentrun

I quit because I realized I was caught in a very dangerous cycle. I was very afraid of what was coming my way if I couldn't find a way to free myself. Taking everyone I loved down with me was on the list of consequences I wanted to avoid but I can't say I did it for any one. I cant even say I did it for me. It needed to be done so I did it. I was on the wrong path and I had to get back to where I should be.

PeacefulWater12

My AH had that fantasy too.

He achieved it, he was able to drink freely and I didn't mind. Was just me around him no one else.

I didn't mind, I truly didn't. His behaviour when he didn't drink was far nastier than when he did plus he had already damaged his body beyond repair with alcohol.

Anyways so he got his wish BUT after a very short time, he wasn't enjoying it, it didn't live up to his fantasy.

It was uncomfortable to be able to do freely, he needed the friction of someone minding.

Then he died.