Jillian2563

On day 11 again. So far, I have had more sober days this year than any other during the last 4 years. Total would be around 80ish or more, so I am happy about that. Not sure why I keep having thoughts that I can one day drink “responsibly”. I’m not sure why I would ever want to drink poison again. I know that I’m an addict. I know a lot but still seem to “want” alcohol sometimes. Have a trip coming up this weekend and I keep romanticizing having a drink. I keep playing the Angel and evil that are sitting on my shoulders. Who will win? Why can’t there always just be the Angel on both shoulders? Why do I want to consume something that I hate so much? Why can’t I go a day without thinking about drinking alcohol whether it be wanting to or not wanting to drink? Will I think about alcohol forever? Lots of you that have long sober time apparently still think about alcohol because you are here talking about it and giving advice to others trying to quit - why can’t I just live a live not ever thinking about or talking about alcohol? Why why why?

least

Start practicing gratitude every day. When I did that, it took away my desire for a drink.

SparkleKitty

I don't think why matters as much as accepting that this is just how it is.

KAD65

It takes time, Jillian. That sober time some of us have accumulated was often hard-earned. We had to get through what you are describing. Your Addictive Voice is accustomed to you repeatedly giving into it after relentlessly wearing you down. It doesn't like that you're trying to resist it, so naturally, it's going to keep on trying harder. It takes time, and it takes being actively involved in whatever you choose as a program to help you recover. You've mentioned AA, so that is the program we both use. Do you have a sponsor to whom you can reach out to get you through these tough bouts of craving?

Pretty much all of us here have wrestled with the idea of being able to drink "like normal people" again. I'm afraid there's no putting that toothpaste back in the tube. "Can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber," as I've heard it said. We wore out our chances of ever being normal drinkers and, like many of us, I believe you're going to feel such a relief when you give up on the idea for once and for all. Don't go silent on us this time. Stick around and keep posting. There are plenty of people here who are willing to help, too.

sugarbear1

This. It is the nature of our alcoholism that creates this fight. Surrender to win. Fighting will continue until we stop (and you have). My alcoholism was my security blanket. I had to find a new one.

Maybe write a goodbye letter to your alcohol? It helped me.

Congrats on 11 days!!!

dustyfox

HI Jillian, Firstly well done on your sober time!
I can't say I have an answer or really much sober time, about 180 days at the moment. Do I think about alcohol? Not as much as I did in the first few days, weeks. Now like you sometimes I 'romanticize' having a drink. Tonight in fact I am going out to a music concert and have had probably 100 times this week thought about a glass of wine, and 100 times banished the thought because I will not drink again, so how could I have a glass of wine!
I am guessing there are a few reasons for staying here when you have long sober time; because people want to help, (there is nothing like an ex alcoholic for getting what the problems are) and , if it were me, I would want to stay connected to SR to keep my focus on sobriety.
I gave up smoking about 15 years ago and almost never think about it, it doesn't really ever raise it's head. I do hope the same may be the case, but I doubt it, there is something so deep seated about having experienced excessive alcohol that will probably stay with me, but hopefully as a memory rather than a desire. Keep going, it is, I can say from 180 or so days, well worth it!

Jillian2563

I AM trying to resist it, hence the Angel and devil on shoulder analogy; it becomes exhausting and I just don’t understand why even though I don’t want it, I still crave it and do want it. If that makes any sense!!

Jillian2563

I quit smoking marijuana and the same is true for me; I don’t think about it, I don’t have a tug of war about using it, I could genuinely take it or leave it and I don’t care if people smoke around me. Why can’t this be the case for alcohol? That’s what I’m looking for long term.

KAD65

It sounds counterintuitive, but fighting it is precisely what you must give up in order to recover. I couldn't proceed with long-term recovery until I stopped fighting and admitted that my addiction had defeated me, time after time. I went through exactly what you're describing - thinking I'd learned my lesson and I could manage my drinking "this time." The outcome was, and will always be, predictable. "We admitted we were powerless." If you continue fighting something that has always won against you, what's the next step? "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could lead us to sanity."

KAD65

Simple, because you weren't addicted to marijuana. It was that way for me for both marijuana and cigarettes. They were just something I did, and I did it a lot, but I never got hooked. I could walk away because those things didn't do for me what alcohol did.

silentrun

I haven't had an actual craving for alcohol since six months in when I finally accepted my drinking days were behind me. For a couple years after that I had to unwind some of the addict thinking like the notion that I really can handle drinking responsibility. Only the very first part of recovery is about drinking. The bulk of recovery is putting yourself back together and learning to love yourself. I post here after almost nine years and I have zero interest in getting sucked back into that crapshow. I am interested in making sure I stay that way so that's partly why I still recommit to my recovery periodically.

So, to answer your question, no, you will not always want to drink or be obsessed with alcohol. I am very grateful I was spared.

Jim1958

I still think about alcohol every once in awhile. But I don't think about it as much as I did. Now, if I am someplace where there is alcohol flowing I just leave or get a soft drink. Just keep stacking up those sober days. I do the calendar thing too, and I used to total up the sober days at the end of the year. If it was over 180, half the year, I was pleased. Like so many others I used to drink everyday. I relapsed many many times. Keep trying. I am over 3 years of no alcohol at this point. For me, one on one counseling worked the best. See if you can find an addiction counselor that can work with you. Of course SR is a huge help. Try AA and see if that works. There are many ways to get better and away from alcohol. The main thing is wanting to stop. Best wishes on your recovery.

Anna

Jillian, you're doing great. But, 11 days of sobriety is still early in the process. It takes time and patience, but as days and weeks go by, I think you will find you think about wanting to drink less and less often. That's what happened to me.

If you're at all concerned about making it through the weekend without drinking, maybe you could think about cancelling the trip?

doggonecarl

There's thinking about alcohol...and then there is thinking about drinking it. You seem fixated on the latter.

nez

When you focus on "why", your brain and thought processes are naturally steered towards the subject matter of alcohol.
If you focus on "how" (as in how to stay sober), your brain and thought processes are naturally steered towards a different subject matter, rather than alcohol.

Jillian2563

I don’t know…when I quit marijuana, it took me a couple tries as well, over a few months but no longer than a year. I was a heavy smoker. Maybe I wasn’t as addicted as I’d like to think.

Jillian2563

It won’t be an alcohol induced trip. It’s a family trip to take my son to the space center. I went on vacation to the beach and even a concert in my first 60 days sober in late summer. My mistake was having that “one drink” around Halloween time thinking I was somehow normal again.

Jillian2563

You are correct. But I don’t want to have those thoughts of drinking it. Such a mental tug of war. I fight those thoughts with thoughts that I don’t want to, can’t, and remind myself of the mental anguish it will cause. It just doesn’t seem to let up though. For now anyway. But I won’t drink today and I don’t plan on drinking this weekend.

brighterday1234

There is a life free from any compulsion or desire to drink alcohol available.

Why I’m an alcoholic doesn’t matter, the solution to my alcoholism is the thing that matters and something I’m truly grateful for. It’s given me a great life 🙏

Obladi

It took me an awful long time to get to the point of having made the decision to stop and stick to that promise to myself No Matter What. Like close to a decade long time. And that was after many years of ruing my last drink and swearing off 'for awhile.' After close to two years of sticking with that promise (finally!), I no longer think about not wanting to have thoughts of drinking. Sometimes I have thoughts of drinking. But it's not a tug of war anymore. Sometimes I come here to blow off steam that feels mighty similar to what might have brought me to a drink before. But more and more, I come here to relate to people that are in that struggle - trying to give back to the community that nurtured me and to try to give you hope that it can be done. No matter how hopeless you feel, it can be done.

It's not the thoughts that are the problem - it's the internal discussion about whether or not to follow through on those thoughts that is the problem.
I'm sorry to tell you that there are still times when the thought of drinking sticks with me for far too long (any more than a nanosecond), but happy to report that these are infrequent now and 'all' I need to do is... nothing.

O

p.s. At the risk of sounding trite, the answer to 'why' is that at some point you became addicted. The solution for that is to Never Drink Now. Ever.