Nonsensical

I wanted that devil on my shoulder to understand reason and logic. I wanted to negotiate a truce with it. I wanted it to have mercy on me and leave me alone.
It didn't care what I wanted. It only cared about what it wanted.
It doesn't understand reason. It won't live up to its end of any bargain. It can't be educated, intimidated, cajoled, or humiliated. It knows nothing of sympathy or mercy.
It is a liar and a thief. It would have murdered me if I'd let it.
It.
Must.
Be.
Starved.

Its the only way.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Jillian2563

Thanks O.

Mizz

My own recovery involves helping others to recover from alcoholism. I was given help to recover by members on this forum. I participate and post here to keep the ball rolling and to give back. I do not crave alcohol. I do not think of drinking. I think of how I can change my way of thinking and how to grow in sobriety. How I can change my life and continue to live in the freedom that I have found. Its a wonderful gift to have freedom from active addiction. We can change our lives. It takes time. Effort. Day after day. It does get easier. Keep on moving forward. You are doing very well.

RecklessDrunk

The angel and the devil who will win?

Like the good wolf vs the bad wolf, the one that you feed will win.

Menntioned before, step 2.... I believe they use the word "sanity" because with our condition we are the opposite of "sanity ". We are insanity! To want to consume a chemical that is going to harm us is nothing short of insane. These cravings are nothing more then moments of insanity.

At 11 days, at this stage over the next couple of weeks your obsession may hit you with a great illusion. The illusion that your cravings to drink are only getting stronger with time. Some of these spikes in cravings can be bad but they will pass.

For now just keep putting the cravings on the back burner of your mind. Many of us are so good at procrastinating lets use this to our advantage. When the AV says does this mean we can never drink again? Just be like AV, im not fighting with you about this now. I'm just not drinking today and I want to try out doing things sober.

BarbieKen

For me, my answers were found in A.A Program.

🌌📘💙
Bobbi

MissPerfumado

I think if you're having thoughts about whether you could ever drink responsibly one day then there's a part of you that's still in denial. If your doctor told you there was a 100% chance you would die from drinking even one unit of alcohol, there wouldn't be the argument with yourself. You'd be focussing on how you were going to make sure you never drank alcohol again.

Not why you can't.

This may sound harsh, Jillian, but that's my honest opinion.

11 days is something to be proud of, as well as the 80+ days from 4 years. Congratulations! Give yourself a pat on the back because you deserve it.

It's still really early though. I'd say it's totally normal to be fixated on alcohol at 11 days into sobriety. I personally remained very conscious of being an alcoholic, situations where I might be around alcohol, talking about my alcoholism in some form (here on SR and IRL) etc, for more than 1 year. Somewhere in the 2nd year of sobriety, that 'constant awareness' thing dropped off.

Coming up on 6 years sober, I still come back here from time to time, because I love the community here so much and it's nice to connect and reconnect with folks here. But for months and months at a time these days, I don't think about alcohol. I have 5 bottles of ale in my fridge a visitor left behind, they've been sitting there since before the pandemic started. I open my fridge several times a day. I don't even register them anymore. (I don't recommend having alcohol in the house especially in early sobriety, but it's a non-issue for me these days.)

So in short, accept the answer to 'why?' is that you'll die if you do, focus on the 'how' and accept that it will take time to stop fixating.

LoveHateWhine

JIllian -your comment makes perfect sense to me because I am the exact same way. Thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings.

I can also honestly say that I don't want it and I don't even crave it and I don't even like the taste of it anymore! But when it is offered to me in a social situation, I do not hesitate to take it. Without even a thought about how it will end.

This time around, I am really trying to arm myself with some other tools because what I have used in the past doesn't work that well. I can only stay out of social situations for so long, especially with the Holidays approaching, as well as my own wedidng party in a few months. Based on what I just wrote, I have to think it is a FOMO - fear of missing out - though I don't know what I think I am missing out on. All I know is I will feel like total crap the next day and I sure would rather miss out on that.

Thanks again for posting.

silentrun

My mind did this thing involving an angel and a demon the day I realized I had been hooked into addiction. The devil stood before me demanding I bow to him (the addiction) and the angel stood behind me and whispered "it doesn't have to be that way".

ScottFromWI

I wholeheartedly agree with this. You will never know the answer to "why" when it comes to addiction. You simply have to accept that your addiction exists, and that it can never be fixed - once we are an addict we are always an addict, even if we stop using whatever the drug of choice might be

That is not an easy thing to do, but in my mind it's the only way out. For some this means making a pledge/promise via a formalized recovery program. For others it's a more personal thing, but I personally believe it's always the first step - even if your plan doesn't include formal steps ;-)

You can't think your way out of it, or talk your way out of it. I think someone else said it in the thread already, but you have to stop asking why and start asking how.

Jillian2563

Like you suggested Scott, I re-committed to my sobriety and accepted that I am addicted to alcohol. This weekend had it’s tough moments but I made it thru. I’m back up to two weeks sober, consecutively. It’s pretty hard when my husband is an active drinker and being around family that drank this weekend. I know I can’t go back to drinking, and honestly still can’t put all my thoughts into the words I want to say, so I figure there’s lots of healing that needs to occur and the only way I can heal is by not drinking. I’ve yet to share at a meeting yet and the thought terrifies me.

KAD65

Good to hear the weekend went well! Congrats on your 2 weeks. On sharing at meetings - try not to feel pressured to do it until you feel ready. I have social anxiety so I'm almost never ready for that! Seriously, though, I've gained a lot more insight just listening than stressing myself out over getting up the nerve to say something.

Dee74

Congrats on 2 weeks Jillian

D

Surrendered19

Two weeks is excellent Jillian. It would be very tough to live with an active drinker and occasionally hang out with your drinking family. But many live that way and you should make those dynamics part of the support conversations that you seek out.

I don't think you should ever feel pressure to share at a meeting. As long as you are there and participating by learning and listening, maybe you will never share. I think once you get past feeling like that is some sort of obligation, then one day you will feel like you have something to say, and can share because you are ready.

Jillian2563

It is hard - but there were other members of the family at dinner that didn’t/don’t drink. Both my BIL didn’t drink because they were driving and that was my excuse too, although they know I quit drinking just don’t know if they know it’s long term. Most of that group are “responsible” drinkers - if I was still drinking both me and my husband would’ve drank regardless of who was driving…..
And my MIL doesn’t drink at all, never had and never will, for religious reasons.

Hawkeye13

I live with an alcoholic, and my abstaining has begun to have a positive influence on his recent decision to quit. It is hard to be around it, and I have let myself relapse dozens of times either because I wanted to drink with him, or because I couldn’t control his drinking. Neither “why” is important as me accepting that it is a fight I cannot win, so instead I have chosen to leave the field and mind my own side of the street. It has really helped to let go—helped both of us and not just me.

Jillian2563

So it’s been 3 weeks since I last drank which seems like forever ago, maybe because I had 60 days (well 70ish but not consecutively) prior to that. I never want to forget the way I felt though waking up hung over, feeling guilt, shame and regret on top of mental anguish. I’m beginning to realize my body is very sensitive. And it’s had enough of alcohol. In my early twenties I was doing hard drugs and had to stop because the way it was interfering with my body - I even had to have my boss drive me home during work one time because I was feeling so bad. I once tried to drink energy drinks and had a bad reaction - to this day I can’t drink caffeine. I no longer smoke pot because the last time I tried a gummy (delta 8 - do NOT recommend it) I also had a horrible reaction and ended up going to the ER. So of course my body is telling me to stop drinking too. The only time I ever smoked cigarettes was when I was drinking - I quit smoking when I was pregnant 2016 but when I started drinking again it was only when drinking but that was almost every night. The 60 sober days I had the first round this summer I didn’t smoke. But now I find myself smoking 1 or 2 here and there, not every day. But I know I’ll have to stop that altogether too. What is my body trying to tell me? Or is it God?

zoobadger

I often remind myself that I was never a normal drinker. Even before my addiction was overwhelming and ruinous I couldn't stop after one or two drinks and feel content. I felt nagged and malcontent for the rest of the evening if I couldn't drink more.

So I don't long to just have "a few drinks" because I was never a person who could enjoy just a few drinks.

And if I'm honest about it, drinking wasn't fun, anyway. It was and end in itself even if I believed that it was enhancing whatever event or activity that included drinking.

So, in short, I'm not giving up anything special or valuable, anyway. And I'm gaining the joy of waking up healthy and sober and the pleasure of not being drunk and behaving recklessly (or not even remembering most of the evening).

It's not effortless, but after 3.5 years it's pretty easy to remember, that in reality, drinking made activities disappointing and empty. Alcohol lies about being fun of you're an alcoholic.

Anna

Jillian, 3 weeks is great and I think listening closely to your body will always be a good help in recovery.

Surrendered19

God telling you to straighten up is difficult to verify, but your body is definitely telling you something concrete and physical and provable. But whether the message comes on the wings of the spiritual world or the physical world, it is great that you are ready to listen to the warnings. Very nice job on 3 weeks!!! Keep it going Jillian!!

KAD65

Great job on 3 weeks! Stringing together consecutive sober days is a whole lot better than stringing together drunk ones, so you're definitely going in the right direction. Alcohol, cigarettes, and many drugs are toxins. Some of us have different reactions from others, but those things aren't exactly good for anyone's body. I'd count it as a blessing that you are aware that those things aren't healthy for you, and you're acting accordingly.