Need advice
 

Hi all,

I’ve been struggling with my in laws particularly my mother in law not being accepting of my choice to quit drinking. They’re a big drinking family ya know mimosas on Christmas morning and just drinking til you drop for the rest of the holiday, drinking on the beach, vanilla vodka in your espresso you get the picture. I’m almost 10 months sober and my MIL has assumed I have stopped drinking because we’re trying to have a baby, which I’ve happily gone along with because I haven’t been so comfortable with saying I don’t drink anymore (although I feel I’m getting closer to that). The main issue is she drops these passive comments that rub me the wrong way for instance at dinner the other night she said when you start drinking again you’ll have to have this drink or she’ll say do you know what your last name is you have to drink (that one really bothers me).

She’s my MIL so there’s not really an option to not have her in my life especially around the holidays but I’m not sure how to handle this. It’s also not very fun going to these big holiday drinking events as arguments tend to break out.

Should I be honest about my choice to stop drinking and hope she gets off my back or just ignore her comments?

Any advice for the situation with my MIL and spending time with that family in general when they’re imbibing?

All advice is appreciated!

I'd be honest about my choice not to drink. "Coming out" so to speak seems to be a problem for recovering alcoholics, which means it's our problem, not someone else's. Part of the problem is that people like your MIL may be hoping you fail, and when you do, she will probably point out that she knew you would, thereby underscoring your "weakness as a human being." But this is still your problem. You either get sober or you don't. I was honest with others about my recovery. I didn't disclose it to everyone right away, but I did with some very early on. I never got a negative reaction. The most negative it ever got was simply no reaction, but those who did comment were all supportive, even a couple of practicing alcoholics. But most people were non-responsive, because it wasn't their problem and they really didn't care. Why should they unless they were unnecessarily busybodies?

There was one incident, now that I'm thinking about it, that mildly offended me. A friend's wife who was an alcoholic asked me to hold her drink, while she left me to talk to someone else. I thought that was very rude, because she knew I was in recovery. I just shook it off, and set her drink on a nearby table and walked off after she left.

I agree with driguy. be honest, a lot less stressful..being honest doesn’t mean you have to pour your heart and expose yourself to any shame.

I didn’t have your problem with family as my wife’s side of the family don’t drink for religious reasons and my family drink such small amounts they could give up and nobody would notice..
my friends were a bigger issue as I had told them I was doing a one year no alcohol challenge for myself, so I had them planning all sorts for nights outs..I did have to come out to them.. I just said after my years sabbatical I was taking full early retirement from drinking..reason being, I felt great. Nothing more has been said since..I still go out with them and enjoy their company..I just have an alcohol free drink..

Being a parent, I got used to all sorts of questions about complicated things from young, curious minds and I tell the truth without giving unessessary info that kids won't/can't understand. Some adults require the same response. I wouldn't give someone with that kind of control and position something to sink their teeth into, I would use the current state of things and respond that I haven't missed alcohol (no matter if I did or not) and that I see no reason to change things because I am happy with the state of things now. If someone is dogging me on it, I have looked that person dead in the eye, and with a smile, reiterated my "No, thanks" . They don't need all the reasons why. It is none of their business. Give the answer you want to. Even if you start to sound like a broken record. Consider it training for parenting and not a personal attack. Stand tall, you aren't wrong, they are.

I'd ignore here because you have no obligation to talk about your drinking or not drinking with anyone, unless and until you choose to. I wonder if she feels awkward about the amount of alcohol she drinks?

My granddad always told me ( best said in slow Southern twang) "Boy, there ain't no use trying to teach a pig to sing. All you do is to agitate the pig and frustrate yourself. Spend your time and energies on something that will yield better results because life is short."

I also have this picture on my bedroom wall

Yeah, all of the above.

Going forward you'll have many more opportunities to be around this family so be honest but you don't have to go into any detail. "I don't drink," is all they need. If she pushes just keep saying that. If she/they ask more questions they're being rude. I've been known to ask people, "Why does it bother you that I'm not drinking?" I've never gotten an answer to that one and it stops the questions.

I really didn't care what people thought - that's a boundary issue. Their thoughts are their thoughts and I have no control over them. Like is often stated, "What people think of me is none of my business."

Hi Bodhi. Congratulations for making the decision to change your life.
As Anna suggested - maybe your mil realizes too much drinking is going on - & doesn't want attention drawn to it. I remember having negative thoughts about those who didn't share my passion for drinking! I look back & realize how insane that was. I also remember relatives & friends saying to me after I quit - 'Oh, you can just have one!' Um - no, I can't. ;)

Your decision to not drink or to drink is not your MIL's business. This sounds rough to deal with. All the questions and badgering just sounds impolite to me. I have this feeling if you told her you stopped drinking that she would make comments about that and it would be hard to deal with as well. Its not her business. So, I don't have any advice on what you should say. I think the answer will come to you in time. Stand strong and firm. You got this. Congrats on 10 months!

Wow thank you so much for the advice!! I knew I could count on this community for support. I don’t bring this topic up with my husband often and when I do I tread very lightly because it’s his family and just want to be respectful.

She has asked me in the past how much my family drinks in a way that I feel is like her trying to get a gauge of whether her family drinks too much. Often at events she’ll say to her sons don’t get too drunk and don’t start drinking too early so it’s all very hypocritical but I guess that’s all a part of the alcohol trap.

I think the approach I’ll take is continuing to not have a response to her comments and trying to let her comments roll off of me (gotta continue the work on my boundaries!) Eventually after we have a baby if she puts pressure on me to drink I’ll just say I feel so great without it and don’t see a point to it. I think that’ll be the least road of resistance moving forward.

Good work on 9+Months!
Don't worry about MIL. She obviously has her own problems. Don't let her bring you down.

If you want to make her shut up, answer her with a question - "Does my not drinking bother you?" Put the ball in her court. And if she says, "no, of course not", then you can say, "good, cause I'm very happy not drinking. I quit for my health and feel great."...

Your mil sounds very rude. :mad:

I agree it’s none of your MILs business.
You have no requirement to bring someone like into your confidence.

Let the passiveaggressiveness wash over you.

I don’t drink. Period :)

D

You do what you have to do Bodhi and forget about the MIL. I went through the same thing more or less but with my own family, all ways wanting to know why and why not. All that matters is how you feel and what makes you happy.

I agree, it’s fragile, but I wouldn’t go all out with her on that you’ll never drink again.

I would smile, not respond, and let it roll off. Some things don’t need responding to.

i was accosted early on by ‘friends’ we were visiting in the fall at their cabin. It was brutal. And they aren’t family, so we were able to leave.

So I agree with Anna, your not drinking is making her uncomfortable with hers, even though that’s not your intention or goal. I would NOT agitate her by asking if you not drinking bothers her, because it’s obvious.

Its a tough position, you don’t want to lie my omission or commission, so maybe just smiling, nodding, is a good answer. In another’s post some time back, someone said as advice ‘ so what if we lie about why we don’t drink? We did a whole lot of deceit while we were drinking, and now we are helping ourselves’

my big hugs to you across the internet, Bodhi

People who pressure others about drinking are, more often than not, dealing with their own addiction battles and feel threatened by sobriety. Don’t let that nonsense get you down. Ultimately, you have to set the boundaries with your in-laws. Try saying, “honestly, I feel so much better not drinking that I’m done with it. Already had enough for a lifetime.” I’ve used that before with someone who is pushy, and it broke the tension; they never brought it up again.

Congratulations on ten months! When I stopped drinking people were shocked to hear me say alcoholic. I was a secret drinker so they didn't see that side of me. I finally started saying "I can't control how much I drink once I start so I'm just never going to drink again and problem solved" That seemed to do the trick. As the years went by people got used to me not drinking.

Who knows why she is so concerned with you drinking or not. That's for her to work out.

The more I think about this, and I have been thinking about this thing with your MIL, the more I am coming to the conclusion that she may have an issue with alcohol. She sounds fixated on it. In the sense of telling her adult children how much to drink and asking questions about your family and their drinking habits or non habits.....

I lived in the "fixated" zone for most of my active alcoholism. How much and when. Planning. Questioning. Overly concerned. Now that I don't live in that zone, I can see how much alcohol controlled my thoughts, actions and in the end my life. It was quite the situation. :) No judgement from me in regards to your MIL. I am sure she "means well" but some of the "meaning well" is not her business at all.

True support of recovery is hard to come by. You have that here. Keep talking and getting it out. You are doing VERY VERY WELL!

I thought that, Mizz. This is really really rude of me to say, Bodhi, but MIL needs to get a life.

I was the dullest person on earth as a drinker, but I’d never even have dreamed of making such comments. If someone didn’t drink, I respected that.

I can't help but wonder how your husband feels about this. Have you discussed it with him? Does he back you in your decision to not drink? If so, why can't he back you up when your MIL starts pressing you on the subject of drinking? I would think with both you and your husband standing up to her, she would get the hint to back off.