Need advice
I had a lot of comments thrown at me the first year from drinking friends that I was a part of. The first month they would just ask why aren't you drinking. I just said because I don't feel like it. After three months they would just make a drink for me and hand it to me. I would say no thank you I don't drink anymore. The comment was "Oh I thought you would have started again by now". After 10 months they would just ask " Are you still not drinking". After a year they no longer ask any questions and I have notice they are all trying to cut back on their own drinking.
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I can't help but wonder how your husband feels about this. Have you discussed it with him? Does he back you in your decision to not drink? If so, why can't he back you up when your MIL starts pressing you on the subject of drinking? I would think with both you and your husband standing up to her, she would get the hint to back off.
I’ve only mentioned it to him in passing a few times that her comments bother me. I honestly don’t think he notices because I’m more aware of it than he is and she can just be mean in general like the other day she was making fun of my height (very immature). If I were to ask him to back me up when she says stuff he would. I’ve just thought it was better to handle it on my own and I don’t think he wants to step on my toes and by accident expose my relationship with alcohol when I don’t really want his family to know that. (Partly because I think they wouldn’t understand and would make fun of me). His brother was in shock the other night at dinner and says “you’re still not drinking?!” They’re all pretty obsessed with drinking but that’s not my place to judge. It is hitting me hard though lately because I’ve realized how the holidays are very one dimensional and boring because all they do is drink. All 3 of the sons are going to be there this thanksgiving and arguments breaking out will be inevitable (ughhh). The one brother who lives far away particularly drinks a lot like first thing in the morning and seemingly lives to push people’s most deepest and sensitive buttons.
I could see myself asking my husband for help if it got really out of hand.
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I had a lot of comments thrown at me the first year from drinking friends that I was a part of. The first month they would just ask why aren't you drinking. I just said because I don't feel like it. After three months they would just make a drink for me and hand it to me. I would say no thank you I don't drink anymore. The comment was "Oh I thought you would have started again by now". After 10 months they would just ask " Are you still not drinking". After a year they no longer ask any questions and I have notice they are all trying to cut back on their own drinking.
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It seems (as others have suggested) that MIL is wrestling her own and/or her family's demons re alcohol. Those are issues that she needs to address herself. There may come a point where she genuinely turns to you for help and advice. If it were me I would keep my powder dry until then. In some respects you should be somewhat flattered that your own positive actions are causing so much interest.
I've told so many people that I just don't drink anymore and it is really working awesome for my health. All true. No other info necessary. You are on such a healthy path. Nobody needs to know anything else. My educated guess is that someday - maybe not today, but someday - your MIL will be seeking some advice from you on the benefits of not drinking.
Bodhi, I went years without getting together with family for that very reason. Drinking, boundary-crossing, poking "fun", control issues all around, questioning my every move. Literally.
You can always go for an hour or two and then leave. That would be my compromise to my husband, but I sure wouldn't spend a lot of time with them if they're drinking.
You can always go for an hour or two and then leave. That would be my compromise to my husband, but I sure wouldn't spend a lot of time with them if they're drinking.
"the holidays are very one dimensional and boring because all they do is drink. All 3 of the sons are going to be there this thanksgiving and arguments breaking out will be inevitable (ughhh). The one brother who lives far away particularly drinks a lot like first thing in the morning and seemingly lives to push people’s most deepest and sensitive buttons."
This sounds like a nightmare. I think there are probably several people in your husband's family who have serious drinking issues, and I bet that's why your MIL is so fixated on alcohol. I'd bet big money she's an alcoholic herself, or at least on the way to it, and is in that denial/conflicted stage that I remember SO well in myself. There was a LOT of joking about drinking, and focusing on my consumption and that of others. I was trying to come to grips and at the same time denying to myself and others that I was in serious trouble. The joking was a defense mechanism. "Oh hahaha look how much we all drink, isn't it funny, it's just who we are and if you don't drink like we do there's something weird about you." That's how my friends and I behaved. But deep down we all knew we drank way too much. I am the first one of my (small) friend group to quit completely. But just about all of them have cut way back, and a few are on the verge of quitting. I don't hang out with the old friends who still drink like I used to. BORING.
Can you limit the amount of time you spend with your husband's family over the holidays? Tell your husband how uncomfortable the comments and drunk arguments make you? If He's supportive of your sobriety he will understand that.
This sounds like a nightmare. I think there are probably several people in your husband's family who have serious drinking issues, and I bet that's why your MIL is so fixated on alcohol. I'd bet big money she's an alcoholic herself, or at least on the way to it, and is in that denial/conflicted stage that I remember SO well in myself. There was a LOT of joking about drinking, and focusing on my consumption and that of others. I was trying to come to grips and at the same time denying to myself and others that I was in serious trouble. The joking was a defense mechanism. "Oh hahaha look how much we all drink, isn't it funny, it's just who we are and if you don't drink like we do there's something weird about you." That's how my friends and I behaved. But deep down we all knew we drank way too much. I am the first one of my (small) friend group to quit completely. But just about all of them have cut way back, and a few are on the verge of quitting. I don't hang out with the old friends who still drink like I used to. BORING.
Can you limit the amount of time you spend with your husband's family over the holidays? Tell your husband how uncomfortable the comments and drunk arguments make you? If He's supportive of your sobriety he will understand that.
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“Can you limit the amount of time you spend with your husband's family over the holidays? Tell your husband how uncomfortable the comments and drunk arguments make you? If He's supportive of your sobriety he will understand that.”
Yes, I talked with my husband earlier today and said we’re not sleeping over and as soon as the arguments start I’m out. Although the arguments can happen at any time so it’s probably better to say after we eat I’d like to leave. Im definitely kicking myself for attaching myself to a family like this. In the beginning of our relationship (almost 8 years ago now) I was like this is awesome they like to party ( I was also 24) now I’m very much like all they like to do is party. Yikes!
My parents live close by so I can always use them as an excuse. although my parents don’t have a drinking problem they have a let’s shove away our feelings and ignore the bad things that’s happened problem(a whole separate issue but is also a huge reason why I drank to numb out) So I’m really trudging through a lot of mixed feelings of anger and hurt with them at this time.
Last thanksgiving I didn’t drink and it was fine, but the out of town brother wasn’t there and like I said he can be very difficult and hurtful on purpose not necessarily towards me but to MIL and they go at it.
Writing this all out verses internalizing it I’m definitely realizing how unhealthy this is.
I think though if I really get overwhelmed and reach my patience limit at my husband’s family house I’ll use my parents as an excuse but then just go home and watch a good movie with a cup of tea and my dog. We live less than a 5 minute drive from them so long travel time is not an issue. I just gotta check in with myself and put my sobriety and well being first.
Yes, I talked with my husband earlier today and said we’re not sleeping over and as soon as the arguments start I’m out. Although the arguments can happen at any time so it’s probably better to say after we eat I’d like to leave. Im definitely kicking myself for attaching myself to a family like this. In the beginning of our relationship (almost 8 years ago now) I was like this is awesome they like to party ( I was also 24) now I’m very much like all they like to do is party. Yikes!
My parents live close by so I can always use them as an excuse. although my parents don’t have a drinking problem they have a let’s shove away our feelings and ignore the bad things that’s happened problem(a whole separate issue but is also a huge reason why I drank to numb out) So I’m really trudging through a lot of mixed feelings of anger and hurt with them at this time.
Last thanksgiving I didn’t drink and it was fine, but the out of town brother wasn’t there and like I said he can be very difficult and hurtful on purpose not necessarily towards me but to MIL and they go at it.
Writing this all out verses internalizing it I’m definitely realizing how unhealthy this is.
I think though if I really get overwhelmed and reach my patience limit at my husband’s family house I’ll use my parents as an excuse but then just go home and watch a good movie with a cup of tea and my dog. We live less than a 5 minute drive from them so long travel time is not an issue. I just gotta check in with myself and put my sobriety and well being first.
Gosh, Bodhi, I really feel for you. What a family to marry into.
I've never been married so can't speak from experience about that. But I did find that a lot of toxic people dropped away from my life in my sobriety. I grew such low tolerance for them because I was sober. I couldn't block them out by getting blotto. I began to limit the time I spent with them.
One friend especially simply stopped inviting me to things. I was always leaving early and clearly not in sync with everyone - how could I be since at some point in the evening people would start having rambunctious conversations about politics and relationships and I'd have nothing to say because they would all be inappropriate and aggressive and disclosing too much? Yuck! I'd make an excuse, drive home and get into bed with a book.
I'd suggest you're on the way to being much more true to yourself, drawing boundaries, not putting up with maltreatment from people like your rude brother-in -law. Since they're family you won't be able to cut them off completely, but eventually they'll get used to not having you and your husband about so much. It'll be a mutually beneficial development since your sober presence aggravates them by reminding them of what they don't want to admit - that they're a bunch of active dysfunctional alcoholics.
Glad your husband is supportive. I hope he also realises how toxic his family is because they can't be good for him either.
I've never been married so can't speak from experience about that. But I did find that a lot of toxic people dropped away from my life in my sobriety. I grew such low tolerance for them because I was sober. I couldn't block them out by getting blotto. I began to limit the time I spent with them.
One friend especially simply stopped inviting me to things. I was always leaving early and clearly not in sync with everyone - how could I be since at some point in the evening people would start having rambunctious conversations about politics and relationships and I'd have nothing to say because they would all be inappropriate and aggressive and disclosing too much? Yuck! I'd make an excuse, drive home and get into bed with a book.
I'd suggest you're on the way to being much more true to yourself, drawing boundaries, not putting up with maltreatment from people like your rude brother-in -law. Since they're family you won't be able to cut them off completely, but eventually they'll get used to not having you and your husband about so much. It'll be a mutually beneficial development since your sober presence aggravates them by reminding them of what they don't want to admit - that they're a bunch of active dysfunctional alcoholics.
Glad your husband is supportive. I hope he also realises how toxic his family is because they can't be good for him either.
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Thank you Miss P. I can definitely relate to all that you said. It was initially upsetting to realize that I have so many toxic people in my life and for a while I examined what was my part in it. I know I was a mess and not a good person More recently those feeling are turning into relief I did realize that and peace with limiting my time with those people.
Cutting out alcohol has taught me so much. One key thing I’ve realized is once I recognize that something is not good for my well being it’s not something I can tolerate and ignore for long. I have to change it in some way.
Cutting out alcohol has taught me so much. One key thing I’ve realized is once I recognize that something is not good for my well being it’s not something I can tolerate and ignore for long. I have to change it in some way.
Love everyone
Mind your own business
Do not engage (with that person or that thought)
It's amazingly simple, like the Serenity Prayer is. It works for everything. Try it.
One day in Month One of my sobriety I was walking to an AA meeting just up the street from me when this came to me:
Love everyone
Mind your own business
Do not engage (with that person or that thought)
It's amazingly simple, like the Serenity Prayer is. It works for everything. Try it.
Love everyone
Mind your own business
Do not engage (with that person or that thought)
It's amazingly simple, like the Serenity Prayer is. It works for everything. Try it.
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Thank you Miss P. I can definitely relate to all that you said. It was initially upsetting to realize that I have so many toxic people in my life and for a while I examined what was my part in it. I know I was a mess and not a good person More recently those feeling are turning into relief I did realize that and peace with limiting my time with those people.
Cutting out alcohol has taught me so much. One key thing I’ve realized is once I recognize that something is not good for my well being it’s not something I can tolerate and ignore for long. I have to change it in some way.
Cutting out alcohol has taught me so much. One key thing I’ve realized is once I recognize that something is not good for my well being it’s not something I can tolerate and ignore for long. I have to change it in some way.
Training myself to stop doing that is a lifelong pursuit.. Best I can do is try to flip the script as soon as I realize I'm doing it. That's why my three line thing works. I can remember it, it's fast, it starts me on the right path. After I say that I can add to it in my head. Prayers, poems, a good positive quote. That's what I need to practice dwelling on. I think that's why Gratitude lists are so helpful. I have to keep that brain involved in positive beautiful things.
Hey, Bodhi,
Sounds like you have a good plan for escape when the going gets ugly, that’s always been my strategy, too. Sounds like your in laws have a very unsavory relationship with alcohol and either don’t know or care just yet. I bet they will down the road, and they are likely to come to you. Do what you need for you, we get to be selfish for the right reasons now. I give you a lot of credit, I wouldn’t be as considerate and I would be skipping the holidays!
Sounds like you have a good plan for escape when the going gets ugly, that’s always been my strategy, too. Sounds like your in laws have a very unsavory relationship with alcohol and either don’t know or care just yet. I bet they will down the road, and they are likely to come to you. Do what you need for you, we get to be selfish for the right reasons now. I give you a lot of credit, I wouldn’t be as considerate and I would be skipping the holidays!
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