MrMaxaMan

I had a few drinks on Sunday, I'm not angry with myself. Just start again. Tomorrow I am going to try to leave the house and go shopping without alcohol inside me which I haven't done for around 15 years. Fingers crossed I don't bottle it. Pun intended.

biminiblue

Why did you have drinks when you had decided to stop?

I would closely examine what happened. Peer pressure? Inability to cope with some situation? Habit? Not thinking? You still had alcohol in your house? Trying again to see if you can drink moderately? All of the above?


At some point the excuses have to be overcome.

When I quit it was forever and ever the end of drinking. No more arguing. I hope you get there before you have serious consequences.

MrMaxaMan

Well, I haven't decided to stop completely. Just trying to keep it under control and then maybe stop. I'm well aware it's a slippery slope and if I keep failing to keep it under control then I will have to stop. Once I get my assessment I will have to give it a serious think and see what support I get.

biminiblue

Oh, okay. Cutting back probably isn't going to work in the future any better than it has in the past. Just ask all of us. We've tried.

Good luck with that assessment. We are support. AA is support.

MrMaxaMan

Thanks for caring.

Hodd

Hi MrM, I’m not having a go. I’ve read the thread and replied earlier so know the background.

You are allowed to fix problems yourself, you know? You can quit regardless of what your assessment says. I could be wrong but sounds like when I waited for a counsellor to help me quit. I wasted time waiting when I should’ve just quit.

Dee74

Thats a good place to start.

I was very socially awkward and used alcohol in a similar way.

By the end I was so embarrassed by the things I was doing drunk, I started to drink at home instead, alone...so, for me, there was more tan just anxiety going on.

One of the things I've learned in recovery is that real sober me is not too bad. If anyone doesn't like that, I don;t need them in my life.

My social anxiety has not disappeared, but it's manageable now - no booze required

D

MrMaxaMan

I understand what you are saying. At the moment I am in two minds and frustrated. To cut down drinking or to stop drinking completely. Obviously I know which one is best, also I know stopping completely is something I will need help with, maybe some people don't but I do. Alcoholism is only one serious problem I'm having to deal with and with having such a lonely and sheltered life I've found the courage to reach out.

Hodd

and well done for finding that courage.

By the way, stopping 100% is easier than cutting down. I was amazed by this, but it’s true.

Surrendered19

All of us need help to stop drinking MMMan. That is what we are doing here. My humble opinion is that if you are wondering if you have some sort of drinking problem, you have a drinking problem. People who don't have a troubled relationship with alcohol - like you and I do - never think in these terms. I never tried to cut down because for the vast majority of us, it is just not feasible to cut down. That's not how we roll. I just had to quit and I think you should to.

Surrendered19

By the way, although amounts absolutely do not matter when you are looking at the issue of alcohol use disorder, any doc or medical provider will tell you that 3-6 drinks per day is a VERY unhealthy amount of alcohol and constitutes a dangerous level of drinking for your body and mind. Don't listen to me. Ask a doc or medical provider.

biminiblue

Today is the day for the assessment? I hope you go in and lay all your cards on the table. Tell them about all your obsessions and how you're currently living. Take the help.

DriGuy

If you are an alcoholic, you can't cut down. Try to cut down, of course. We all did that, and all of us failed. Then when you accept that you can't cut down, you will be ready to address this issue seriously. Think of this as the starting point. Then you will have to go to work (we can help a little with that).

Right now, you sound like you are in what I called my "fantasy dream state." This is where I wanted to get better, but I didn't want to actually have to do something to get better. Basically, I wanted to keep drinking and not have any of the bad side effects, the remorse, the shame, or the rotting away of my mental health. I wanted a life that could never be possible, and wanting it so much still couldn't make it possible.

Quitting 100% made it possible, but it took effort.

Evoo

So - I did the same thing for years. I was a bitter alcoholic in my mid-twenties and early 30s. I maintained good jobs and relationships (was a bit of a workaholic, too) but alcohol always came first. Eventually, through grit and determination I managed to greatly reduce my chemical dependency, detox, and somewhat "moderate" my drinking to the point where I wasn't having blackouts and only had beer/wine or seltzer. Freedom! Not so fast.

It sucked. I approached every social event with anxiety. I'd have 1-2 glasses of wine or a couple of beers and then FORCE myself to stop, despite wanting and craving more. I'd get upset finding I'd still have anxiety/hangover even if I kept it to 2 drinks. I'd eventually have "rough nights" where I'd "overdo it" and have to white-knuckle back to "normal" for a few days. It became an anxious, moderation rollercoaster all in the name of maintaining a social "normal" with the poison in front of me.

When I decided to quit, it wasn't at "rock bottom." Far from it. But I was done wrestling with those demons and putting myself at risk. Freedom was no alcohol.

You'll have to decide to quit for yourself, but as you're "moderating," ask yourself whether you're happy with that status quo. It took awhile for me to finally realize that moderation (even relatively successful moderation) was still a prison. But you'll have to realize that on your own to fully commit.

God speed .

Evoo

3-6 drinks per day is not moderate drinking. I used to feel pretty defensive about this when I was active in my addiction, because 3 drinks would've been light. I might've used the phrase, "I only had a few drinks." Which typically meant three belted drinks or the better part of a bottle of wine. Many, many units beyond what doctors would say is a safe intake.

MrMaxaMan

Well, great news. I managed to go shopping alcohol free. Though I did have 3 Diazepam. I felt much calmer than I expected. In the past I would have felt much worse. Maybe other medication I'm on for anxiety helped, too. But I'm very pleased with myself.
Thank you everybody that has posted, I will take in what you all have said.
@biminiblue I just had a Doctor's appointment today, I'm still waiting for the assessment.

biminiblue

So...are you taking 3 diazepam on doctors' orders? That sounds like a lot..does your doctor know?

Are you in the UK? I'm in the U.S. and I've read about the alcohol assessments here on this site quite often from others in the UK.

MrMaxaMan

I can take Diazepam when I choose to. It was only 15mg in total, the max is 40mg a day. I am in England.

biminiblue

You do know how dangerous it is to mix diazepam with alcohol, right? Like, stop-breathing/the-end dangerous. I know they won't prescribe diazepam to heavy drinkers here. Does your doctor know how much you're drinking?

MrMaxaMan

Yes he knows, I've been mixing them for years without any issues. It's a choice I made as I spent many years not wanting to live so I didn't care if they killed me. Now I don't mix them, also I wouldn't class myself as a heavy drinker. There are many people who drink far more than I do.