Sober45

So my life as i know it came to an end on October 26, when I logged into my husbands messenger and seen the messages/graphic images between him and his mistress. Married 21 years. She’s 18 years younger than me.

He cut all ties and begged me to stay. So here I am. Messed up beyond belief trying to make it work. I know I don’t have to. Not sure where this will all end up.

But I’m sober and glad I am. In fact I’d say alcohol had a lot to do with getting the affair started. no excuse though.

It takes time for the urge to fade but it does. I’m proof.

Better days ahead!

least

Oh, that's so distressing. Glad you're staying sober tho. At least, with a clear head, you can make wise choices.

Dee74

I'm really sorry Sober45.

I agree your drinking in the past is no excuse for infidelity.
I'm thrilled you're staying in recovery tho

I hope you and your husband can work it out.

D

freedomfries

Sorry about the affair. Hope you can work through it. We'll done on not drinking over it.

KAD65

Ugh... so sorry you're having to deal with this. Glad you're not reaching for the bottle, though. Nothing so bad a drink won't make so much worse. Hang in there and stay close. You have a support system here.

advbike

So sorry to hear. That's really rough, but you are amazingly strong, Sober. Good job.

Give yourself time to think things over, you will have clarity.

Jupiter11

It's probably to do with his own self esteem. Maybe it did have a little to do with your past drinking. But it's a bad way for him to handle it.
In the past, I wasn't a drinker and my husband was. I took it to mean he didn't care at all.
I didn't have an affair, but I might have if the opportunity arose.
Only you know the ins and outs. I did have a second husband who had an affair. I wanted to forgive, but couldn't, in my heart. We had a good life, a good time together, I wanted to be with him day to day. But the betrayal was too bad for me to carry on with him. It wasn't that he had sex with someone else, it was that he lead a double life and lied to my face.
I'm sorry for the pain this is causing, because the pain is dreadful x

Hodd

Sorry, Sober45, what a blow.

I go on about planning triggers, but we can’t plan for this sort of thing, so huge well done for staying sober. If it’s any consolation, you did say your husband begged you to stay. He knows he’s messed up.

Kaily

How heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry.

Obladi

I'm so sorry to hear this. How horrible for you to have to face this betrayal. And of course, how fortunate that you are sober. You've had experience with the same caliber of emotional devastation because you got sober and stayed that way.

Take the time you need to get centered again, then you can take a step in the direction of where to go next.

Sober45

Thanks everyone. Your kind words are much appreciated.

novips

In the A.A. meetings I used to go to it was often said that a drink won't make things better. In the meetings I go to now (after moving) a slightly modified version of this floats around: There's nothing so bad that a drink can't make it worse. I think that latter version is more on point. **** happens. Sometimes it's "shake you to the core" ****. But it's still insane for an alcoholic to take a drink. To the extent we need a "break", I have found that the recovery program and community of Alcoholics Anonymous is more than up to the task of providing a sufficient substitute for what I used to believe alcohol could give me.

This quote from the Big Book comes to mind: "Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - [spouse] or no [spouse] - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every [person] that [they] can get well regardless of anyone."

Jillian2563

Sober 45, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. So glad you are sober. Just goes to show how strong we can be. I hope you get everything worked out - Think about what is best for yourself. Hugs.

Anna

I'm sorry for what you're going through, too Sober45. I hope you and your husband can find some peace.

Mags1

Sober45, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Not drinking was the right thing to do. Your emotions would’ve been worse with booze in the mix. All the best for the days ahead. xx

mirage

I'm so sorry to hear this. I feel for you as I went through this in 2012, a year after I quit drinking. We made it through, stayed together, we are happy, and I'm still sober 9 years later. Hang in there and do what is best for you. Proud of you for not turning to drinking again. It's hard!! xo

Free2bme888

Wow, I’m so so sorry Sober45

You are in mental chaos right now, quite the trauma.

wonderful posts here for you to consider, and yes, remaining sober is key for helping you make good decisions.

Time, good discussions, and perhaps therapy.

Delilah1

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am really glad you were able to stay sober. Sending you lots of love as you figure out what is best for you. ❤️

BackandScared

Well done for trying to address this with a clear head Sober45. It is a super difficult one to navigate. This is not your fault at all. No matter how bad things are in a marriage or any other relationship, cheating is a choice one part makes that can only result in making things worse.

Good luck with the challenges ahead.

Triggered

So sorry to hear this sober45. Infidelity can shock you to the core. I'm happy and relieved that your sobriety is so strong that you didnt look for a potentially disastrous 'escape'. I just wonder if he knows how much you had to put into getting and staying sober.