Denial and hiding
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2021
Posts: 7
Denial and hiding
Hi everyone. New to this site not new to recovery. Just really not very good at it.
I was sober from a 25+ year drinking addiction for about 22 months. I think I was looking for a reason to drink, it could’ve been because it was a Tuesday for all I know but I blamed COVID. Went back to drinking for 10 months, when I could afford it and wasn’t in the throes of withdrawal. I’ve not had a drink since March but I can 1000% say it’s only because the opportunity hasn’t shown it’s face. I think about how to drink constantly.
The reason I’m not drinking is I’m staying with someone who needs my help and knows me well. He wouldn’t agree to helping me back when I needed it because he’s been burned by me too many times. But situations change and he’s very sick and needs daily help. Hence I’m here.
The problem is I manage his medication. This includes his pain medication which I’ve been taking.
I’m in full hiding and anxiety mode just wishing I don’t get caught. I’ve never been into drugs really so I have no options for street drugs which is good but if he needs his meds before I can call the doctor and get them refilled I’m caught. And I know it will happen since I took the last prescription in less than 2 weeks.
I’m hiding withdrawals for now. I think or he’s just avoiding the inevitable fight.
All these behaviors, this whole mindset, is so uncomfortably familiar. This is not a healthy place for me and I’m in a terrible place of telling myself It’s not THAT bad!
it is. It’s that bad. I had to get the truth out there even if it’s just to the anonymous internet. I need help and don’t know where to turn to in real life as I’ve burned every bridge there ever was.
sorry this is so long. Thanks for letting me get it out.
I was sober from a 25+ year drinking addiction for about 22 months. I think I was looking for a reason to drink, it could’ve been because it was a Tuesday for all I know but I blamed COVID. Went back to drinking for 10 months, when I could afford it and wasn’t in the throes of withdrawal. I’ve not had a drink since March but I can 1000% say it’s only because the opportunity hasn’t shown it’s face. I think about how to drink constantly.
The reason I’m not drinking is I’m staying with someone who needs my help and knows me well. He wouldn’t agree to helping me back when I needed it because he’s been burned by me too many times. But situations change and he’s very sick and needs daily help. Hence I’m here.
The problem is I manage his medication. This includes his pain medication which I’ve been taking.
I’m in full hiding and anxiety mode just wishing I don’t get caught. I’ve never been into drugs really so I have no options for street drugs which is good but if he needs his meds before I can call the doctor and get them refilled I’m caught. And I know it will happen since I took the last prescription in less than 2 weeks.
I’m hiding withdrawals for now. I think or he’s just avoiding the inevitable fight.
All these behaviors, this whole mindset, is so uncomfortably familiar. This is not a healthy place for me and I’m in a terrible place of telling myself It’s not THAT bad!
it is. It’s that bad. I had to get the truth out there even if it’s just to the anonymous internet. I need help and don’t know where to turn to in real life as I’ve burned every bridge there ever was.
sorry this is so long. Thanks for letting me get it out.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. 
It seems that you're going to have to come clean about the meds sooner or later. Can you explain to him how sorry you are that you were taking his meds? That you'll never do it again? I hope you can resolve this.
It seems that you're going to have to come clean about the meds sooner or later. Can you explain to him how sorry you are that you were taking his meds? That you'll never do it again? I hope you can resolve this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,558
Great to have you join us, FortheGrace. I drank 30 yrs. & did many shameful things, especially at the end of my drinking career. Being here & talking about it was such a relief. I hope you'll feel the same. Welcome!
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Hi FortheGrace - you really are in a pickle. - I don't see any other option other than you will have to tell your friend what you have done and fall upon his mercy and forgiveness. By doing that you may save your friendship.
You need to tackle your addiction, and you have just made the first step by posting here, so well done. Maybe go and see your own Doctor and ask what help is available to you.
Posting here and reading through threads will help you feel you are not alone - the road to recovery is one we are all treading.
You have taken the first step, continue being courageous.
You need to tackle your addiction, and you have just made the first step by posting here, so well done. Maybe go and see your own Doctor and ask what help is available to you.
Posting here and reading through threads will help you feel you are not alone - the road to recovery is one we are all treading.
You have taken the first step, continue being courageous.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2021
Posts: 7
I’m not sure what I’ll do. I am sure I’ll be kicked out once caught. I haven’t had a real place to live in over 2 years. Motels, halfway houses, friends couches. A even worse thought is that I know part of me just wants to get caught so I can get to a motel and drink. This is such a horrible space to be in right now. Thank you all for reading and sharing
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
I agree that telling your friend the truth about what happened is the best thing you can do.
You said that you're thinking about drinking constantly, though you've been sober from alcohol since March. I wonder what other changes you've made in your life besides stopping drinking? I found that stopping drinking was just the beginning and then I had to dig deep and do the inside work.
You said that you're thinking about drinking constantly, though you've been sober from alcohol since March. I wonder what other changes you've made in your life besides stopping drinking? I found that stopping drinking was just the beginning and then I had to dig deep and do the inside work.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Please don't go to a motel and drink. You've been sober since March, don't ruin it now. And you know if you go drink, only bad things will happen to you. 
Tell the truth and ask forgiveness.
Tell the truth and ask forgiveness.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Well done for recognising that part of you wants to get caught so you can drink - I think you are on a dangerous path right now - you have so much to gain from not drinking - hard though it is you need to try and make a plan so you do not drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2021
Posts: 7
It’s harder to hide from since I put it in words so I’m very grateful for this site. There’s still a few pills in the house if I can stay away from them. It’s when the withdrawal gets unmanageable that I take yet another one. I know he has to find out. I’m just not facing it right now.
In the past I’ve been involved in AA. Had a sponsor, went to and chaired meetings, did service work and most importantly worked the steps. That is so far removed from my world right now and logistically seems impossible to get back to.
In the past I’ve been involved in AA. Had a sponsor, went to and chaired meetings, did service work and most importantly worked the steps. That is so far removed from my world right now and logistically seems impossible to get back to.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
Hi and welcome forthegrace
I think owning up now will be better than him finding out.
Getting back into AA can start right away - there are a lot of online meetings nowadays.
You might even hear something about available sober houses in your area or things like that?
D
I think owning up now will be better than him finding out.
Getting back into AA can start right away - there are a lot of online meetings nowadays.
You might even hear something about available sober houses in your area or things like that?
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I think for most of us, although it may not be a large majority, after 9 months of total abstinence, we are no longer obsessed with thoughts of alcohol. If we've gotten that far, there is simply no reason for us to drink again.... UNLESS we are doing something wrong, something that is really basic to recovery. Do you want to keep drinking, but still want to find peace and happiness instead of the misery you are now in? Most of us have gone through that stage, but believing that is possible to have both together is just another form of denial.
Of course, your problem may be something else. There's lots of reasons for why you are where you currently are. And I can't tell you what that might be, but I think it's going to require a perception shift. Cravings shouldn't last 9 months. OK, you will still have them, but they should be manageable at this point. Have you been cheating?
Of course, your problem may be something else. There's lots of reasons for why you are where you currently are. And I can't tell you what that might be, but I think it's going to require a perception shift. Cravings shouldn't last 9 months. OK, you will still have them, but they should be manageable at this point. Have you been cheating?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic / addict who can only stay clean & sober by fully committing to the recovery program set forth in Alcoholics Anonymous. For that type (of which I am one), God's life raft is A.A., and it is pure arrogance to insist that I should have other options. It is a function of Grace that there is any option for recovery at all for a drunk / addict like me. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.
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