kk1k5x

Hello,

I haven't been to SR in a long while now. When trying to provide reasons (including to myself), all I can think of is "life just took over". I find myself realising that more and more often these days.
When I saw MidnightBlues' anniversary post and mentions of people whose inclusion in our lives simply faded away over time, I got to thinking and then wanted to write something, because ... of the topics related to my own drinking past (coming up on 2,5 years sober now), the people from that past who I no longer communicate with seems to be the no.1 topic. Not in an invasive way, but I do tend to find myself wondering what it is that makes me "forget" about contacting someone.

Sometimes it makes me think that I'm now self-absorbed (or somehow more self-absorbed compared to the drinking life - which seems somewhat paradoxical). At other times, I actually just come to the conclusion that I now enjoy my own company. For the most part, that is, no relationship is always a 100%, right :P?

Tonight, I got to thinking just how deceptive and destructive my drinking really was, from a social being perspective. For a brief history, I was 16 when I got drunk for the first time; was an alcoholic by 18 and quit at 29. There were shorter periods of not drinking during those years, but for the most part I was on the sauce. The first time I did get drunk, it was the tail-end of my self-imposed weight loss regime which took me from a fat kid to an athletic teenager dude. I believe everyone can venture a guess as to what that type of effort does or can do for the self-confidence of a teenager, who before that was only referred to as the smart kid (I simply had good grades and took school seriously). I wasn't a social outcast when I was overweight, because the grades-thing provided some "status", but when you add the later athletic part, then the "when the wheels came off" part maybe makes more sense. Oh, also ... what may have appeared as "extremely dedicated" to an outside observer at the time, I knew to be obsessive. I never really enjoyed my then-new looks and calmed down, so to say - I just became a teenager who felt like the world owed something to him for all the effort. Which also made me arrogant, dismissive and, yes, incredibly entitled.

When you take entitlement (however "earned" that feeling may be) and combine it with a rapidly developing alcoholism, it's basically a perfect setup for someone to "feel like a victim" all day, every day. Whatever props my effort, be it sports or school, earned me in the teenager social circles, was rather quickly undone by my alcoholism. At first (say form 16 to 18) it was just the so-called party scene. My drinking wasn't 'as bad' just yet, because booze was not too easy to get as an underage person, and after all, many others were earning their stripes, too. Some more, some less. When I turned 18 (legal drinking age here) - no more barriers, except for the amount of money in your pocket. Stopped working out, gained a lot of weight, but what kept the illusion going were the grades in school. "Oh, he's just going through the motions". Nah, I was a full-blown drunk for sure by the time I turned 19. So, what started off as the "party scene" and a sudden expansion in my social circle whittled down to approximately 5-6 regulars, who were willing to go the distance with the booze.

Actually, from the get-go, it was complete torture to be around people who didn't drink as much as I did. From what I can recall, I stopped going to certain social gatherings simply because they were more focused on the people coming around, and I only wanted to drink. I hated the feeling of being on beer no. 4 and shot of vodka when everyone else was nursing cider no. 1. I knew I was overdoing it, and that it ended badly more often that not, but I was no where near accepting that something had to change.

So, by the time I graduated high school and enrolled in the university, I had probably 4 people from the 100 or so in our graduating class that I actually spoke to. Those were the "drinkers". Reliable in our shared wish to get plastered. I learned the names and/or hung out with probably 5 people from university. Yes, total. I was so deep in drinking, hateful about letting myself go in terms of my weight (i.e. lost any and all confidence). One by one, the high school people faded away. The 5 university people became 4, then 3, then 2. By the end of my undergraduate studies, it was basically down to just one person. I "switched" that person 2-3 times over the graduate studies, but it was basically always someone, who wanted to drink (all the "misery loves company" business) and had enough money to get me drunk as well. I never had any money. Aside from other people paying for my drinks, I have difficulties explaning how I managed to get drunk. And I'm convinced that if had had more money, I'd probably be dead.

Right now, the two people who are not colleagues and not my family, live in another country. Those are two with respect to whom I'm worried about my "forgetfulness". I just don't have it in me to start up a chat for the mere purpose of having a chat. Yet, I can always get on a plane, fly there and stay at their place (and should they so wish, they could come stay at mine) and have fun. Being social for the sake of being social simply tires me out immensely, I'm not built for that. But this also comes at the price of feeling guilty, when I do feel the need to talk - then I feel completely self-serving, i.e. someone who only contacts others when he needs something (which is accurate at this point, I'm just not doing it on purpose and they're not chatting me up on the regular either). It's like an agreed adult silence, which gets set aside when we happen to be or plan to be at the same location.

Thanks for reading (if you got this far!), and now to the questions - any other mostly content loners out there, who get lost in their own activities to such an extent that you simply "forget" to contact someone? Yet, you feel like you should contact them more often, because "that's what normal people seem to do"?

I think this flared up because my b-day is just around the corner and that's always a reminder of times, when there were more people around. For the life of me, I cannot figure out, in retrospect, whether I actually enjoyed that social interaction or if I simply thought that's what I was supposed to want. The b-days spent alone hurt to some extent, but when the next day rolls around, I just forget and move on with my own business. Today, I also stopped and thought that - having a job now and a budding career - if, as a drinker, I'd had the money (I don't have a lot, but it's enough for me) I have right now, I could have gotten SO drunk for quite a long time. I'm glad to be away from the counting coins and calculating return-on-empties period of my life.

All thoughts welcome! And good luck to everyone taking it one day at a time.

Dee74

Good to hear from you kk1k
I think the pulling away from old drinking friends was mutual in my case - those friendships, for me( and I presume them) were based on a shared love of drinking more than anything else.

Those friends where the relationship were deeper than that (even those who still party hard) survived.

I see some of them regularly, some occasionally...many I stay connected to online...but others...this pandemic has really made it hard to catch up for everyone I think.

I'm really thankful that being in recovery has helped me be comfortable in my own company too - I need some alone time pretty regularly.

I think our friends change as our life changes too. When I was at Uni I had Uni friends, when I was a muso I had muso friends, now I have lots of non or barely drinking friends.

If you feel there's something missing in your life right now, you can change that - but I think it's ok to build the life you want with the people you want in it

​​​​​​​D

kk1k5x

Thanks for replying, Dee! Hope you're doing alright.

In my case, I think the pot gets an additional mix because some of my childhood school friends became my drinking friends (who then stayed away by choice - understandable, given my antics, - or faded away over time) and by the time I switched scenes, I was at a point in my drinking where forming new, deeper or deep, friendships was no longer even on the table. The drink was that all-consuming.

Also, I think my so-called baseline need for social interaction is so low that when I have an hour-long discussion with colleague etc, I'm basically good for the week. I live in my childhood home with my mother. It makes more sense to me to pay half the rent here than to pay full rent somewhere else just for the sake of being completely on my own 24/7. Admittedly, the fact that mum's around means that all the "oh the weather" and "this and that with work and stuff" day-to-days are covered. It's not that I wouldn't also welcome having such conversations with other people, but ...when I've already had the casual chat with someone (anyone), I don't feel like repeating myself.
I'm sure there's some weirdness encapsulated in there, but I'm actually quite content with the way things are. Moving out right now would simply be for show or for the purposes of making "a point" that I'm not a momma's boy - it wouldn't force me to "go and make non-work/non-family friends" (this phrase always sounds awkward when used in connection with adults). Yet, if my work required me to go abroad for a year or so, I'd just pack my things and go.

Dee74

Its weird cos I spent decades wanting social interaction on a Friday or Saturday nights - but the real me is a homebody.
I'm satisfied with that - I can have as big or small a social life as I want..if you are like that too I'm not sure its a problem?

D

Cityboy

I sort of broke communication with one old friend because he had developed a quite severe drinking problem himself and his violent nature and tendency to get into legal trouble became too pronounced. To be honest, I was almost afraid to be around him with my kid.

I cut way back on interaction with another old friend, with whom I have always had a tendency towards poor decision making, heavy drinking among other things. Just didn't want it in my life at this point.

Had I not been a heavy drinker and had my own social issues, would I have ever even developed friendships with them? What matters now is how I, we, move forward at this point. Choosing to be around people who will be supportive in sobriety, or at least a clean life in general.

kk1k5x

I think you're right, Dee. The part of that makes me feel "weird" at times is mostly based on what I observe about other people, who are waaay more social than I am.
Truth be told, I started "feeling" the pandemic related lack of social interaction only at about 1,5 years in. I always had something to do, and the majority of my life revolves around 2-3 activities - or at least has revolved around these activities for the past 2,5 years - and none of these are particularly social in nature (reading, research and writing).
Furthermore, what others seem to consider as normal chit-chat becomes tiring and overwhelming for me super quickly, including when it's with someone I like having the odd, longer and in-depth conversation with. Big life issues type conversations. If I can have one of those every month or once every 2 months, I'm actually fine with that being the quantity I'm basically well on my way to becoming a hermit. Yet, I'm doing things that interest and engage me immensely, sometimes it involves other people, but mostly it's a solo act.

Steps taken in early sobriety ensured that, moving forward, I'm doing things that are important to and fulfilling for me. Most of my drinking was trying catch up with what I thought the world wanted. Since that's impossible, troubles and feelings of discontent were never too far away.

Anna

That's the same for me. I think so much of my life, through to my forties, was doing what I thought I 'should' be doing. And, being social was something I kind of enjoyed, but it was more about doing what I thought I should be doing. Recovery has allowed me to enjoy spending time with myself, and to enjoy spending time with friends when it feels right.

DriGuy

I spend lots of time by myself and I always had that inclination, even before I started drinking. I do remember that phase when socializing seemed like a priority, and at times I enjoyed it. But at the core of who I am, I find socializing to be a bit exhausting, but not in a major way. It's more like what I do get from it, just isn't worth that much effort.

But this is not about what you should or shouldn't do. It's about finding where you are most comfortable at this time in your life. Past drinking friends have faded from my life too, there is no remorse or good riddance in most of this anymore. They are just less interesting.

That was a fairly long post of yours, and I'm not sure if what I just said pertains to most of it. It's just about one thing you brought up that resonated. If I was going to reply to your entire post with only one short comment, I would say you may need to relax more, not on the couch, but pursue more of what you want, and don't feel guilty about it.

biminiblue

Nice to "see" you kk.

If you check in once a year, that's enough for me.

I think people who frequent internet forums are by nature more introverted or happy with their own company.

Socializing is exhausting to me so I don't do it very often. My desire for social conversations is very limited unless there is some physical or mentally challenging activity going on at the time which requires cooperation. Otherwise I'm happy to not converse!

Triggered

I used to socialise as a vehicle to get myself drunk. Most of the guys I hung around with were heavy drinkers but had their limits. As time passed I found myself moving beyond their limits and gravitating towards hardened drinkers who were after the same thing as me. Looking back it was my addiction that made those choices for me. I havent been sober for very long but for the first time in ages I'm able to look at things without the cloud of alcohol distorting my thinking. Reading your post was helpful because I hadnt considered why I isolated progressively for many years. My self worth is pretty much non existant and has been for a long time and I'm looking into reasons for why that's the case. I have a feeling though that if I do manage to raise that bar, whether that means I'll be able (or want to) create and maintain healthy relationships or be comfortable with my own company and any combination of transient friends, online contacts or familiars remains to be seen. For me, the most important thing is to get to a situation where I feel my choices are non destructive and authentic.

kk1k5x

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate them.

I think the reason why such questions arose for me was, best I can tell, because I had to have serious internal discussions about socialising and what it was doing (or not doing) for me. This was very well pointed out in previous posts.
Couldn't wrap my brain around the possibility of just how much of my life was controlled and guided by my addiction to alcohol.Not just the big mistakes and bad decisions, but it went all the way down to who I am - or thought I was - as a person. A party guy full of laughs? Well, I've got jokes, but I'd much rather stay home or take a walk alone, read a book and work on my "craft".

In early sobriety, everyone obviously goes through the motions, but some of the clarity that came after 1,5 years or so was just ... shocking, I guess. At that point I wasn't just reinventing my person through planned action, i.e. trying to do the next right thing in whatever it was that I was doing, I began questioning whether I had anything down correctly from the get-go at all!

I've said it in other places, but my age also played a role. Always felt that the so-called formative years of a young adult were just a black hole for me, which means that I basically went from a teenager to a 30-something without any real development in the middle there. And then you have to learn how to "adult" on the go. The process is ongoing, of course, but I'm very thankful to everyone who decided to post and reflect along with me. I really do appreciate it!

Evoo

Nice post! I read a lot of myself in it.

I think it's normal to see your social circle whittle down a bit as you get older. I'll be forty in a few years - I certainly don't go to bars or house parties anymore (lol). Everyone has kids like us! So I've gotten obsessed with cooking and will host dinner parties w/ challenging dishes my wife and I cook together. It's a lot of fun! I don't care if people drink at them, I don't .

Priorities and circles change over time. But my best and closest friends are still there and in my life in some way. because our relationship turned out to be about more than just drinking. My best friend from college is still my best friend, and we plan trips, conventions, etc. -- we have hundreds of drunken stories, but we're comfortable keeping them in the past now. He's godfather to my youngest son.

The thing I am saddest about is, a lot of my closest "drinking buddies" were actually my circle of first cousins. They still regularly get together just for the purpose of getting wrecked, and sometimes they'll Facetime me -- all drinking, arms locked, signing Irish drinking songs and having heart-to-hearts, and I'll get a quick pang of regret.

But it fades pretty quickly.

Because then I remember what it was always like the day and week after those drunken nights. Where many of my cousins stop, wrestle with a hangover and go back their lives -- I'd keep drinking privately and wallow in painful addiction. I could never handle the hangovers, withdrawals and anxiety. But I regret not being as close with my cousins as I once was. They're still family to me, but I don't know how to recapture those "heart-to-heart" moments without the booze. They're all very serious people in day-to-day, and then totally cut loose at family events where I remain stone sober. It's a little awkward.

But again, nothing would be worth going back to painful moderation or a life of drinking, so I accept the way those relationships have been forced to evolve.

Sorry, didn't want to highjack your chain . I guess I'm just trying to say I really do understand. But I'll say there's nothing wrong with where you are now socially, so long as you're happy with it. If not, try getting involved in some clubs or programs that aren't about drinking - could be anything really. Improv night, a local softball league, cooking class, Cross Fit - whatever you're into. I was very surprised to find there's an ENTIRE WORLD of people who do things that don't involve getting wrecked. Go out and find it .

kk1k5x

Thanks, Evoo! A very insightful post.

You know, to some extent, I can relate to the "heart to heart" section. My problem was that even where things started out well enough, those heart-to-hearts turned into ..."liver to livers" veery quickly. And from there, everything just got dark, fake and downright nasty.

In part, I think my overall enquiry went further from booze as a social lubricant, because I had - to a T - the exact same experiences with people. We'd party, have our raucous "it's great!" and all the boring subjects are interesting etc. moments, and then the others would go back to their normal life. And I would go back to the emptiness and keep drinking.
That's also why focussing on myself and all the ensuing discoveries of self have been both personally enlightening but somewhat scary as well. You know, to a degree. No one particularly likes being "wrong" and if you get most things wrong about the person you're with 24/7, you naturally start questioning things!

Thanks for the advice, too!

nez

I am content with my own company and don't have a huge need to socialize, but the beauty of recovery that I am forever grateful for is that when socialization does occur, I can do so without qualms, awkwardness, or a Gordian jumbled knot of tension in my gut. Today when I have an itch, I scratch it, without overthinking it, and all is good with the world. :~)

kk1k5x

Excellent, nez!
I believe I'm still in the phase where, at times, I tend to overthink it. It's gotten better, you know, but some of the mental structures put in place by a decade+ of drinking are difficult to remove. It takes time and one of these difficult areas is the topic of "overreactions". And also overcorrections. As a drinker - and maybe people can reflect on their own experiences - I was always anxious and panicky. It often felt like a single misstep or wrong thing would make the world grind to a screeching halt. Some of it was the physical reaction to drink and withdrawal, but a big part of it were the mental demons that came in the package deal. To an extent, it also grew from the "me me me" world view - I'm the victim, I'm the overlord, I'm the this and that. I wasn't and my actions weren't that important at all. Not to other people's lives, at least. But, being a worrier at heart and adding the booze-panic to the mix, it makes you think others care more than they actually do. Most of it just gets set up and blown up in your own mind. Most of it doesn't even cross the attention threshold of other people, because they are actually busy with their own lives!

Lots of interesting stuff happens in early sobriety, and a lot of it needs to be processed with the help of others. This much I know.

Anyways, thanks again for all the replies! It's been very interesting to read and explore the responses.