TroubleAfoot

Is this a stage?

I am about 10 days out from six months and, the past few days or so, a strong angst has been building up inside of me, a stunning realization that I have been attempting to ignore. It is a profound sense of regret, of loss and, at the age of 52, so many wasted years. It is staggering and almost overwhelming and it has brewed into a strong, self directed anger.

So far, until now, I had been rationalizing and romanticizing the drinking years. Well I drank too much and for too long, I told myself, but I sure had a lot of fun doing it. Didn't I? Because this illusion was necessary to shield me from the belief that I hadn't completely pissed away most of my life. But now it is really beginning to sink in that it was all an utter and tragic waste of time, waste of potential, and waste of my youth. A waste of precious years and living which I can never ever get back. I have fuckd up so badly and now I am being brutally confronted by this realization. I have a job (that I hate) but I am far from financially stable. I don't own a house but rent one and I am single. I have nothing for retirement. At my age. I almost can't believe or comprehend that I actually let this happen, that I really did do this to myself.

When I was busy throwing my well being and my life to the wind I contented myself with the thought that i had plenty of time to shape up and get it together, that I was young and could put off being responsible for quite a while. And then somehow, in the blink of a blur of decades of drunken years, as if happening in an instant, I awoke in the Fall of my life suddenly aware and stunned by the thief of time. And so this anger has erupted and there is nothing and no one to place the blame upon except myself. In a very strong sense I am also in deep mourning for what has been lost. The urge to drink was very strong today but I didn't. I won't. I can't. I don't have time to drink anymore if I am to make anything of what time I have left.

I am coming to understand that this sober thing is very much a long journey. Much longer than what I thought it would be.

Dee74

I think we need to make peace with our past and part of that process, at least for me, is finally seeing that past clearly without any filters.

Some of us find that that makes us angry for a while - before we move past that into a understanding of and reconcilliation with the hurt damaged people we were.

I couldn't get to where I am now without all that stuff in my past happening, but it took me a little while to see that and embrace it.

Try and give yourself a pat or two on the back for the last 6 months. TAF - thats great news

D

Hodd

I’m the same age, TA, and I know exactly where you’re coming from. How I’m still married after years of drinking is a mystery, and there is resentment there which will take time to fade. But hey, you’ve seen the light at 52. What if you’d never seen the light? You’d then have these thoughts much later in life. At 52, there’s almost no limit to what you can do physically and mentally. Don’t dwell on the past. Be thankful for the sober and great decades you have left.

DriGuy

I think your AV must be trying to assert itself. It's telling you that it's going to be 6 months and you have paid your debt. It is drawing you back to the good old days when you being miserable the next day was a small price to pay for giving it what it wants. It wants the old you back.

At six months, I was so far removed from the anger I experienced before I decided to quit that I had almost forgotten about it. I was finally free from my alcoholic behavior.

But back when I was drinking on those odd occasions when I had not planned ahead to make sure I would have alcohol on hand and if it was Sunday night when the bars were closed, I would get angry about not having access to alcohol when I needed it. I would get angry at the state or county for passing a law that bars had to be closed on Sunday. At the same time, I would chide myself for being so angry that I had to go one night without alcohol.

Cityboy

Troubleaf, it's good that you are going through that stage. The intensity of the feeling will pass and you will progress to other stages. Eventually you will be in a much better mental state to be able to set specific goals and develop an action plan to reach them.

Free2bme888

Two things, Troubleafoot.

Glad you posted! That’s step one, that’s your soul begging to stay afloat. Don’t try to drown it, your enemies know how to swim.

Two. I relapsed after 14 months sober. I confused abstinence with control. Never again. I read others relapse stories here. It’s interesting that zero, none, nil of them —-are glad, even a teeny weeny bit, that they went back.

Ride the wave.

Be in the house of forgiveness.

🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Mizz

Its interesting how our brains will tell us all kinds of things. Its never to late to live the life you were meant to live. Never too late.
Be proud of where you are in this moment. This moment, today, is all that you and I and everyone else has. The future and all its worries seem to take care of themselves. You have today to make the most of your life. This feeling of wasted time and anger will pass and then something else will move into its place. You are doing a fabulous job. Keep doing that!

TroubleAfoot

Thank you for the comments everyone. I appreciate every one and have taken encouragement from each. I am much better this morning. I was just having a difficult time yesterday and last night. Yes I do have a lot of regret over my excessive drinking but I still worked in a lot of awesome experiences over the years too. Backpacking the Colorado Trail, mountaineering in Peru, lots of mountain biking, sailing trips out to the Channel Islands, to name a few things, and I have great friends. I need to focus on the positive every day.

I could have done so much more in that time but, as many of you mentioned, I can still accomplish a lot before this ride is over.

BeABetterMan

Promise #3: We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it

August 10, 2015. Dan GriffinReal Men, Real Recovery

What man does not want to make peace with his past?

How many of us enter recovery with a deep feeling of shame for how we have lived?

How many of us are confused about what we have done and what that might mean about who we are?



In recovery, you have the incredible opportunity to connect with men through the sharing of your past experiences. This Promise tells us we should not want to shut the door on the past. When we embrace our past and learn how to see it in a new way it opens new doors for the future.

You may have heard the saying, “Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.” That is one of the main reasons we are told to remember our last time using. This Promise tells us we can face our past, not live in shame about it, and not runaway from or deny it. Our past does not have to define us, who we are, or how we live our lives. We see this Promise come alive every time the haggard newcomer whose soul has been ripped apart stands up with his hand out welcoming another. We see this Promise come alive every time someone from the recovery community tells his story with his head held high.

There is the time-tested saying that we “are as sick as our secrets.” The secrets we carry around with us that weigh us down. The same secrets that we promised we would take with us to our grave. Maybe we can be free, truly free, from the chains of the past that haunt us.

Anna

Yeah, it's really hard to look back at what we've done and not done. I found it overwhelming at times. But, try to believe that you're where you should be right now, though it may not seem like it. Be proud of accomplishing 6 months of recovery.

dustyfox

TroubleAfoot, your post chimed with me, I know those feelings! But we are alive and we have become alive to ourselves, to who we are, to how we can live a better life. I believe we are here, right now, in the place we are meant to be, the road maybe the one less travelled and the future yet unknown, but you/we do have a future. Well done on 6 months and yes, the journey is long, I have also recently realised that, but a long journey that is probably more important than any other.

TroubleAfoot

Cheers to that! (with non-alcoholic drinks haha!)