Thesaviour

Not meant as a drinkologue. I don't know does anybody else write anything before the inevitable moment?

Last drink and smoke take two?

I've gone to bed and then got out of bed realizing that I have one cigarette left and one glass of whiskey left for which I bought a can of coke. Probably thinking about it rituals are not necessary. Stupid OCD behavior has me doing stupid delay things instead of just ......drawing a line under the sand and that's it.

This "relapse" has gone on since June 26th until now and I can hear the OCD thinking (or is it AV?) "continue until October 26th so it's three months exactly" or "make November 1 the day one". Irrational.

Rational thinking would be "the time is NOW"

End Groundhog Day: It's all just been the same experience. Repeat and rinse as someone else here said. "deal with" the anxiety and depression with alcohol, swear I am not going out doing scummy drugs. Get past the red line, the drunk me decides he is going out, drunk drive to the worst neighborhood in the city, take money out THAT IS FOR EXPENSES AND I CAN'T AFFORD, but scummy drugs and go to a narco flat, get approached by people who see me as drunk and with money, get ripped off, go with a female of the streets with the promise of sex, it doesn't work out. Sober up a little but still with high levels of intoxication, waste time doodling around. get back and because of the shame, frustration and guilt........turn to alcohol to escape the feelings that I have from doing stupid things. Feel temporarily "better" until loss of control leads to repeating groundhog day.

this is dumb.

Everytime I end up saying "wow, you have outdone yourself again"...."wow just wow" "you are dumb, just dumb"

I usually park car discretely off but I was careless last night and parked it too close to the danger. The scum always comes asking me for something and whoever had resentment towards me managed to damage my car last night. Put windows through and burst two tyres.. I saw it didn't react and went back to narco flat and they thought I didn't know and I could see the evil thinly veiled sniggers. I remained semi rational thinking "yeah that's what fully comp insurance is for you bunch of degenerates". Car got towed etc had to miss work etc all not good not good at all.

I need to end this right now and never ever go back. End groundhog day.

The only thing that remotely makes me feel like I can cope with the pain of now and go forward is reconnecting with Christianity. But also have had the feeling that AA could be a a good solution too, to connect with similar folk and maybe develop some good values and give and take there.

One things is certain: this is a crossroads. And I can either make things better o make things worse there is now in between. Every time I am making my finances worse and getting into more debt .....and again I don't know if this is some warped "law of attraction in reverse". That means that I am super stressed about my finances and I believe in the philosophy that you attract what you put your mind on. (ok so maybe "journalling" is a good idea as it has just come to me what people have being saying: am I focusing more on the problem rather than putting my mind on the solution??? This may be the case in fact. I have my mind stressed thinking about the stupids that I have done and maybe I am making my mind focus on that and stay in that. In fact that may be a useful insight as the only time I seem to escape from my mind worrying about the damage I have done is when I put on Christian music and I focus my thoughts on repenting and on Jesus.......in fact, everytime I allow my mind to grasp a future with hope and picture myself being back to being a good person and spreading goodness instead of evil I do get a glimpse of pure hope and everything is going to be ok in the future........then I allow my mind to slip back into the cesspool.

For anyone who suggests, rehab or anything like that is not really an option (I don't think so? although you never know..........I say you never know as I didn't think I would be spending Christmas with anybody and of course I let thought overcome me....."furure worry causing present stress" then I had a really positive conversation with my mother and she said would you like to come her for Christmas and it felt like sunshine just entered my dirty soul once more as I had envisgiioned a really bleak Christmas .......which is stupid BECAUSE I KNOW THE ANSWER. I know the answer to bleakness and I know the answer to suicidal thoughts. I found the solution to all of that but I am not putting it in ACTION and that is the ************* key..

anyway my mother is 80 and despite our differences when I was younger she is a good skin and I would say despite everything we have repaired our relationship in a hugely significant way and she would have being the last person I would have expected to be a golden star in the last ten years, but she has being mighty and I tell you I have probably not gone full man overboard into the sea because of her. I do want to go back and see her in a good state before it's too late and Christmas will be a good moment and I know I will be safe there. The old man kicked the bucket last Christmas and i never made funeral but that's how it goes.

anyway , why me why not. This time ready or not. so low yet so high.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D-IWFrblg0

DriGuy

It sounds like you know the solution. Now you just have to act on it. I know it's not easy, but you can do it. Maybe just one thing at a time, take care of the biggest one first, whether it's drinking or smoking. Then move on to the next. I hate the cliche, but it is true that "Rome was not built in a day."

VikingGF

What a nice gift a sober you would be for your Mum. And for you, too.

Anna

Thesaviour, I hope you get rid of the alcohol and make this the end of the binge. Do you have a plan as to how you will stop drinking and stay sober? It might be helpful to come up with specific ideas that will help you succeed. I'm glad you're planning to see your mother at Christmas.

Tetrax

Okay I said before I liked your taste in the Kings of Leon but you got sober and swore off rock 'n' roll but that's not the way forward I don't think. I am a big fan of Liam's too - although tbh I'm more about Oasis at their peak - and I just wanna say take the positives of rock 'n' roll and don't deny them; it doesn't mean you have to drink alongside 'em.

Dee74

You do know the answer.

I'm not sure whether its fear apathy bloody mindedness or lack of self respect that leads you to drink again instead of reaching out here beforehand, but that might be a good thing to think about when you sober up.
I'm not sure why rehab is not an option but there's a range of other things you might at least consider - AA or some other meeting based group - or a Christian based recovery group like Celebrate Recovery - a lot of meetings are online now.

You could also try speaking with a doctor or a counsellor. Depending where you are you might even have outpatient rehab available.

Spending Christmas with your mum sounds great. There's 9 weeks left - you could accomplish a lot in those 9 weeks if you throw yourself into an action phase TH.

D

Thesaviour

this is a really good point because I am comflating the two of them. I'm associating rock and the likes with drinking like it was in the past instead of being able to separate them and let go of one and enjoy the other.

I can see one of my triggers is nostalgia and being sentimental. I start listening to music that I like ( and I should allow myself to like it but I immediatlely let it make me nostalgic and sentemental and thinking of the past) and I go into pure black and white thinking "oh I have to stop listening to that music as it is making me sentimental and sentimental is making me want to reconnect with the past and the past is gone and I don't want it to be gone and I go in this little bubble of thinking about the past.

And I keep going into this bubble as I hate the present.

Damn Liam for being so nostalgic with Once.....with Eric (boyhood idol)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDhiQfekdxo

And cringe because I can't express my feelings to my family so I end up being drunk and sending songs by whatsapp to express....soething......instead of just saying sorry.....a song. for what it's worth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDrPghDvYA4

Thesaviour

rehab is not an option because I am totally alone in a foreign country.

I'm barley holding on.

Thesaviour

I would just like to go home and rest. With the knowledge that there is someone in the same building that cares about my welfare.

And to sleep. To be able to sleep.

And wake up and for someone to say "what do you fancy for breakfast?". And to have breakfast.

It's not a lot to ask for but for whatever choices I have made, that eludes me.

What's strange is there will be alcohol at Christmas in the family home (though my mother doesn't drink really and nobody goes overboard except one brother and the dead father) but I don't feel a need to drink alcohol back there. I'm not saying I didn't before or didn't have problems back there before but something just falls like a dead weight when I am back. Like the hole I am trying to fill is full enough. I smoked crack one December back here and did heroin and thought oh damn should I smuggle something over or where will I get over there.......then I got there.......and nothing. I didn't feel any withdrawels or need. I was sorounded by people I was full of food, they were talking irrelevant stuff and I was interested in their irrelevant stuff as it was just mundane and not life crisis stuff. I could just sit. Belly full and sleepy, smiling.

Dee74

All the more important you find support, man
Online meetings get over the language and geographical barriers, yeah?

Is your mum in the same country you are or do you need to go back 'home'?
If so, why not go home a little early and take advantage of the help and support available there?

D

SnazzyDresser

You're not gonna be able to talk yourself or think yourself out of this problem. It's all a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing until the right action starts. Your mind is running for the shelter of complexity when the harsh truth isn't that complicated. And the right time and place to start is right where you are now.

Jupiter11

Rational thinking would be "the time is NOW"

I took that quote from your first post. The time is always "now" for your addiction.
Meaning, you can put off for as long as you like, but the addicted part of your brain is always going to feel as it does now about you giving up the drink. Whether that be in a day a month a year, that addicted part won't want to let go.
Are you going to take charge of your actions or let IT run on with a never-ending want?

Thesaviour

Well I've made myself broke and sick so the option to buy anymore is not there even if I wanted it. I'm now wondering would I be tempted to go buy alcohol if I had money? I'm feeling no, as I'm feeling so done. Feeling bile sick all morning. That's the limit I pushed after last bad period and start of good period: no eating and puking bile.

I'm done. No intoxication in system and I plan on keeping it that way as I want to look at this period in the past and to be able to look back and say I'm glad that's over. Nothing lasts forever so it can be left in the past. A little transitional period, walking away.

I'll reconnect and commit to Christianity and AA could be the missing link that I am looking for so I will eventually give that a go and go connect with people there.

I need to do something different at night time. Change my routine up a bit. Find a healthier way to unwind at night after work.

This begins now. I want peace and quiet and peace of mind. The other way brings the total opposite.

Thesaviour

I'll go to AA face to face when I get back into routine. It would probably solve the "drinking alcohol because of isolating/lonely" situation.

Language is not a barrier I am here long enough, I understand well enough but probably could do with more speaking fluency which will only come from being around natives. This has being a sticking point for me, wanting to be more fluent and making native friends (granted I'm probably in the wrong city for that, hopefully I will move but it won't be anytime soon) my ex was not native and wanted to live in her own bubble which was seemingly fine with the two of us but looking back it was a precarious situation. She ****** off and left me in the **** and the bubble burst. The blow was coming. What clumsiness of mine. That could solve that issue to a certain degree.

The mother is in her native country. I am alone as a shipwreck in the middle of the Atlantic. But I know that is key going forward....be comfortable being on own and socialize in a non needy way with good people.

Drinking mint tea right now. This is done, Not going to bother myself getting obsessed with counting. The time is always now,

anxiousrock

There's always going to be more whiskey and cigarettes. Make the choice to ignore them.
it's a nearly impossible thing to do, but I have faith in you!

Dee74

Mint tea is good.

There’s a lot of ‘I’ll do this when’ in your post tho, which can be a red flag.
What are you planning to do right now to stay sober?

D

Thesaviour

Be a non-drinker.

It's free and the better option.

Cars in garage and I don't have a been. Need to figure out how I will get to work on Monday.

I need food and transport quick fast.

I also need to sort out my living arrangements. Received kind of threatening and abusive texts from the guy downstairs (the supposed landlord). Next weekend need to go or decide if I am staying.

AA can wait until the right moment. It doesn't mean I will drink in the meantime.

It's Friday night and my feeling of "I'm done, so done" has not changed. I'm sitting here watching OZ and trying not to worry about next week, there will be a solution. But I can't keep doing this, it's time to move on.

It was a mistake meeting friend (who is a non drinker btw) in bar On Tuesday or Wednesday. He was working doing deliveries in my neighborhood and asked to meet. As I wanted to be more social i said yes, even though I had plans the next morning and it was super late to meet. Well, midnight. I finish work around ten and try get to bed around midnight.

I will enforce that as personal boundary now and protect myself more. I told him what happened and that I will avoid bars and NA beers (had one it was disgusting, moved onto the real thing.........in fact it was a combination of disgusting and Lipe boring me with a very one sided conversation and perhaps tiredness.

It's time. Like I said I need to be able to look back and see this as in the past. The only way is staying teetotal and walking forward. I've been reflecting that been teetotal is free and eventually delivers so much back.....time, energy, money, peace of mind.......................yet alcohol or any substance costs money and takes so much away......time, energy, money.....destruction.

I'm going for the free, freedom part.

2muchpain

Getting sober in a foreign country, especially without friends or family definitely poses additional challenges. But AA is worldwide and rehab is rehab no matter what country you live in. You just might find support networks with both options. Really sounds like those are the two best possibilities for you. If you really want to find people to connect with and not just because of alcohol, you should really consider it. You just might find some fun people to just hang out with. Good luck. John

Steely

Set your OCD (?) into NOT drinking. Not Smoking. One step at a time.

Thesaviour

Rehab is not an option. Rehab costs money. I have a job am I supposed to just quit my job and go into a rehab that costs money. Not possible. In fact, I randomly opened up a book I have called "addiction is a choice" and it had a quote from a psychiatrist who worked in a rehab and in this opinion and experience the biggest indicator of success for someone who wants to quit and addiction and stay quit is.........whether they have a job or not. So I'll leave this in the past while I still have a job. (and rehab does nothing except take you off the streets, most "relapse" when they get out as they are not prepared for the real world)

AA yes I am going to give it a go to have somewhere to go at the weekends and learn to give of myself which I think is key in getting over lonely feelings and suicide thoughts. Pour yourself out rather than look to take. I don't really believe in AA's disease model and one or two things kind of clash with Christian thinking but I'll overlook that and go just like Edward Norton in Fight Club going to testicular cancer meetings when he hadn't got it.

Job ......Gym.......Church........AA. .........(perhaps trecking group now or in a few months)

1) Health / Fitness. 2) Career 3) Finances 4) Personal development 5) Social

I need to ask: is this making things better or worse? Is it going to contribute to the above pots, or take from them?

This video was great: Talking about if you feel that way about a person you were taking something from them and they took it away. You became dependent on them for your happiness. There is more joy to be found in giving of yourself rather than taking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wifbC6Ib4wQ