Contella09

I ended up binge drinking for 2 days again after staying sober nearly 2 weeks. I really over did it this time and drank more than ever before. I am absolutely terrified and so disappointed in myself. I feel completely lost. How on earth am I going to beat this? What will it actually take for me to finally quit for good?

My depression is getting worse and I am taking meds but it's early days. What triggered me to drink was my brother contacting me and telling me he had overdosed. He also told me his neighbour who is an alcoholic was beaten to death by her brother and she was found in the fetal position clutching a bottle of vodka. It really affected me and made me cry and I can't stop thinking about it. Alcohol is just a life destroyer. It is destroying me and I am ruining my life while under the influence. I don't trust myself anymore to stay sober. I am just getting so much worse and I am really scared. My drinking is dangerous.

DriGuy

Those were horrible accounts of what drugs and alcohol can do, but recovery is about facing the bad without drinking. I'm not that qualified to talk about binge drinking, and to this day, I do not understand the mechanisms involved in its causes. I drank every night in what many would consider binge proportions, but I never went one night without drinking because the urges were too great. Once I got past a week of cravings, I was done with alcohol for good.

But when we decide to do something about our drinking, relapses tend to occur in the early stages. At least that was so in my case, but that was because "deciding to do something" wasn't a full commitment and had no plan of action beyond having a desperate desire to quit. I felt like I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't really.

So don't beat yourself up right away. No alcoholic learns what he needs to learn overnight. Often times, we have to go through the misery a few more times, before we are willing to grab the bull by the horns and take care of business once and for all.

Mizz

I am sorry for what has happened to your brothers neighbor. What a terrible terrible tragedy. Also, your brother and his overdose sounds like a lot to process. A lot. There is so much going on there emotionally, I am sure.

Get back to doing what is best for you. You do not have to let those circumstances turn into a full blown relapse. You do know how to get and stay sober. This low level state you are in will get better. You can and will get better. Believe it. Believe in yourself and your recovery from active alcoholism. You can do this.

Zebra1275

Those stories of what happened to others are sad, but it is not your story. You get to write your own story.

Are you desperate enough to go to an AA meeting?

UNITE4STRENGTH

Contella09, sending you strength from London, 🇬🇧 ...make a plan, with a difference! We can't give up! I am only just starting to recover from my latest binge, and this relapse has really taken it's toll. I handed my bank cards to a mate until I get back on track and I'll get out to find an AA sponsor just as soon as I feel able. I started on medication today too.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that Contella, but I am glad you are here. Take a look at the bolded statements above, they kind of contradict each other don't they? I think the answer to your question is that most of us really cannot do it alone. Certainly we each need to make the decision/pledge/surrender to accept our addiction for what it is, but after that I believe we need to entrust others to help us. Whether that be an online community like SR, a formal recovery group, rehab, or some combination. I didn't trust myself either towards the end of my drinking, so I enlisted the help of this community, some local recovery groups, my family, and in my case a counselor too.

Contella09

Thank you everyone for your replies. I won't give up trying. I am desperate to be free of alcohol and I will do whatever it takes. So many people have beaten it so I know I can too. I need to get myself to a more positive state of mind too. I can't keep feeling so depressed and not seeing the good things in life anymore.

I can't drink just because bad things happen in life. I need a new coping strategy. I might just buy a lot of books from charity shops and just read for an escape. I haven't sat down to read a book for years but it is nice to get lost in a book for a while and take your mind off things.

I called a place called Inspire today to ask for help with my drinking so I am trying to get more tools to help me. My thoughts are just all over the place right now. One minute I feel like everything is hopeless and the next I am finding my strength again. I can't keep self sabotaging like this. I don't want to feel this lost or sad anymore.

Thank you for being here for me. I really need this support as I cannot do it on my own.

SouthernSober

Keep coming back.

franklin1122

I also relapsed this weekend up until yesterday. I'm not going to give up and you also shouldn't.

DriGuy

You are absolutely right about that.

advbike

Contella, have you tried AA? It works for many people when other approaches don't, because it offers a holistic approach - admitting our powerlessness over the addiction, meetings for fellowship, and step work to address the things that keep us mentally and emotionally stuck..

Contella09

I hope your meds work really well for you. You sound to be in good spirits and well done for coming back. I know I am very serious about beating this because I keep coming back too. We will find our way through this. I am not giving up and finding more tools to help this time.

Contella09

I have tried AA before but I am going to try again. I will have to do daily zoom meetings like before. I still didn't want to believe I was an alcoholic when I joined before but I have changed since then. I fully accept I am an alcoholic and that I need to work hard for my recovery. I will let you know how I get on

Contella09

I know exactly how you are feeling today. I didn't stop drinking until tea time yesterday. I have only slept a few hours but have barley been able to move from my bed. I have done a lot more research today. And made some phone calls to get my self some more support. I don't want to give up. I want my life back. Hope you are feeling better tomorrow.

Do you find that when you relapse you drink more and the consequences are worse? That has been the case for me and I don't know why it's happening.

RecklessDrunk

Remember where you are at right now. This step 1 stuff I think is the most important. Where we smash the delusion that any good will come out of picking up another drink. This is the foundation the rest of our recovery is built on. The depth to which we work step 1, the deeper this conviction that we can not have alcohol, the better our chances of achieving and maintaining long term sobriety. You really sound like you are ready to move foward with sobriety. I hope you jump on step 1, strike now while the iron is hot and don't take your foot off the gas pedal.


There are free readings all over google of the big book of AA. You could start reading that. On YouTube there are lots of AA speakers.

tornrealization

Hi Contella, I’m closing in on three years sober and bad news still happens. I can feel so raw and helpless but I feel it through and I know time will help heal or my sober brain will process the information without alcohol amplifying or deadening how I feel. It can be done, buckling down and concentrating on your sobriety even when bad things are happening.

Dee74

Welcome back Contella

yeah when I'd quit drinking and go back to it it was like I was trying to make up for lost time - my drinking was never as destructive as it was after a break..

I managed to stop again tho - and stay stopped.

I did everything I could to never drink again - I made changes in my life - how I solved problems, how I socialised, and how I deal with disappointment and bad news - and I found a lot of support to help me

If I can do it,. you can too

D

Contella09

Hi everyone,
thank you for all of your support, cheering on and suggestions again. I really have been learning a lot over these last few weeks.

I have had a much better day today. My house is nice and clean again as I got some energy back, my mood has lifted and I have called a local church. I will be attending on Friday and I hope to be able to go multiple times during the week. They help with drug and alcohol issues. It will become part of my plan. I have also got the 12 step book and will buy a few more and maybe a jigsaw puzzle from a charity shop. I don't think it's wise I throw myself back into work just yet as I need to concentrate on getting better.

To anyone who is new to the forum, please don't give up. Keep on trying and learn as much as you can.

Jim1958

Hi Contella,
Last weekend I went to see a former girlfriend. It did not go well. She did not seem all that thrilled to see me. So I guess it is over and that was upsetting. Now before such a episode would have driven me right to the liquor store. But not now. Putting some real sober time together is key. As for relapse, I relapsed all the time. I would go for 5 or 6 days and relapse. I would go 30 days and relapse. Once I went a year, 365 days. Day 366, I relapsed. So it happens and don't beat yourself up. Just keep trying. Wanting to quit is the main requirement, and you have that. Just string some days together and keep posting here. SR is a great resource and it has helped many people, including me. I'm past 3 years now, so it is possible. Hang in there. Best wishes on your recovery.

KittyMama00

Contella, I'd like to share with you that once I stopped drinking, the anxiety and depression that I was suffering from decreased immensely. My mood is balanced and my mind is more peaceful, and I protect this new equanimity with my life. I am not saying that things don't affect me, (like a neighbor who has dementia pounding on my door screaming) but being sober means that I am able to respond proactively and with discernment, instead of react and suffer. It is really difficult to know what to do for people we care about who are in pain (like your brother and his neighbor), but setting boundaries and suggesting to your brother that he seek professional help for his attempted suicide, and then calling a friend, neighbor, or a suicide helpline for you to talk about how his phone call affected you could help you process those intense feelings and therefore decrease the urge to drink. #1 in my personal plan is to call a friend (who has agreed to be this kind of contact for me) when I encounter/experience intense experiences that initiate an urge/craving to drink alcohol to cope. If she doesn't answer her phone, I have a #2 person to text, who is also in recovery and she also lives nearby. Sometimes urges just require an action, so #3 on my list calls for a replacement such as putting on a workout video, dancing around my apt. to my favorite music, taking a walk/bike ride.
Your calling for help at "Inspire" (support network?) is a tremendous first step, and also posting on this site! People here understand what you are feeling and without judgement. I hope that you stay sober today!