Thesaviour

Tired, bloated, suicidal .....had enough

Kissing this crap goodbye.

time to cut the supply and end it.

ScottFromWI

I am glad you are making this choice for yourself Thesavior. Please to keep someone close by and hand should your withdrawals become too severe, it's perfectly acceptable to call for help if you need it.

TroubleAfoot

Okay good. You can do this. Enough f*cking around right? Let's get this done. I just posted in your other thread.

Hevyn

You sound thoroughly disgusted, & that's what it took for me. There was no fun left in it - each time it was in my system it led to disaster & danger.
We know you can do it, saviour.

VikingGF

Yup, sounds like the end, alright. I felt it too. You can make it all better, we all know you can.

Thesaviour

Results before conclusions: In bed, belly full of pasta, and a pot of camomile beside me, Plan is just to watch something if possible probably not and sleep. I'll probably reconnect and beg for forgiveness instead as the waves of remorse that I have obviously been blocking out are lapping against me.

Conclusions:I sat on the steps leading up to the roof and immediately wondered why I had been choosing to lock myself into darkness as the sun shone down upon me. I had a hard moment , the feeling of regret and waste and the feeling that i have done too much damage . The sun shown terribly ,

I thought of the hurt I caused and to who. And saw what a double edge sword it was:
Get better in their glory or stay stuck in their shame,

Finally it came back to me something I should not have forgotten. "moderation" for me is not in the equation and it never should have been and it never should be in the future. Alcohol changes me, It's not in the quantity that i drink......it's in the fact that I drink. I need to repeat this until I remember it fully. For whatever reason alcohol gives me a personality transplant and not for the better.
I am actually no too bad without alcohol but I with alcohol i am most definitely not ok.

I only wish I had the boundaries well developped to recognize this and accept it years before.

VikingGF

Stopping for good is all about learning the boundaries are real and the longer we don't drink, the stronger the boundaries become. Be patient and be grateful for that bed, full belly and hot pot of tea. Tomorrow will be a better day. Congrats on your start, Thesavior.

UNITE4STRENGTH

Well done. Your chamomile tea and pasta is the perfect beginning. I am the same re the personality transplant. I wish you well and hope you have a restful night 🌙

Thesaviour

Ajh man I wish I had of had the courage to kill myself years ago.

TroubleAfoot

If you are feeling suicidal, right now, you need to reach out to a close friend or family member, who cares about you and who you trust, or call a Suicide Hotline. You can get through this. If you need some help please get it. You may be in despair over a lot of things but suicide is final. You can't take that back. So put those thoughts away and focus on the rest of your life. There is plenty of time to heal and to continue moving forwards.

TroubleAfoot

Please see Sober Recovery's thread on this subject:
If You Are Feeling Suicidal

Wastinglife

I know exactly how you are feeling. The suicidal ideations are probably more related to your current state of mind after a binge. Everyone here can relate to that depression. Brain chemistry gets all messed up. Those suicidal thoughts always cleared up for me after a few days sober. I was still miserable, but that soul-crushing hopelessness dissipated.

Dee74

Do read the link TroubleAfoot posted if you need it TS.

I think a lot of us have felt that way - especially in that immediate post drinking despair.
I’m glad now I stuck around - I would have missed out of a lot of great things and good years.

The real courage is in facing the fear and living a sober life.
We are stronger and more capable than we know.

If I can do it, you can too

D

Hevyn

You are needed here on Earth, saviour.

Thesaviour

So I went three days with nothing...

Realized this: I was going through cocaine withdrawls and I should have being prepared for them.

Alcohol is nothing in a way but when you add cocaine and heroin okay you are going through a withdrawel. I was in work tonigh and i was hit by huge cocaine withdraws. I mean huge. i was getting hit by huge withdraws. Now here's the thing :; the minute I knew it was coke withdraws I did two things: first I knew the suicide thoughts were not of me so i had to just see them out. Second yes I admit that I planned to go get some smoke and I thoiught about getting it. Then i decided not to do it. I started writing in my diary about what would make the situation better and what would make it worse. I would go shopping tomorrow get food do sport, the ******* craving went...

Then what? I went home did my job well got food. THEN A FRIEND FROM CHURCH ******* CALLED ME. now I had been wrtingn in my diary how I need social contact no shite contact and I signed up for a trecking weekend.

Lipe is a friend of mine from Church. he saved my ass three times before has been a real friend. he is doing some delivery crap work or something anyway it is in my area. he called me to meet him in a bar at midenight. time for me for bed.

ok I met him and he ordedrd no alcohl beer. I drank one alcohle beed¡r but i CAN'T drink non alcohjl beer and soon I oreded a normal ******* beer. Then a couple more and everyone in the bar was so nice too me and they had a collection of ****** whicsky. I bought some and then I WENT home and bought a ******* bottle.

Now the landloard is a ****and he is threating me so i started to dring. no durgs but ****

why can't people leave me the hell alone

Thesaviour

I feel annoyed with myself because I overcame those temptations but didn't see the danger of going to a bar. how stupid is that. I should have just went to bed.

At least I saw it was withdrawels from drugs that was spiinning my head but how did i not see danger about going to a bar.

AAAAHHHHHHGGHHH

My landlord sent me a threategning message. used my nationality to insult me. I just want to rest but now I feel he wants to play.

Thesaviour

Not doing drugs but smoking and drinking and listenin¡g to shite

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbIR...wY3HQ&index=13

Thesaviour

so this is permenance?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNAdIoTadys

Dee74

I had to not only have the desire to get sober but also the commitment to follow it through.

If someone asked me to meet them in a bar, I'd have said no - if they weren't open to meeting somewhere else, then we didn't meet.

It won't always be this hard but in your first week I think you need to commit to some pretty big wholesale lifestyle changes TS.

D

Thesaviour

Yes you are right.

I feel stupid. It was obvious looking back.

I went through a good bit of suffering and to reset like that is really annoying.

The coke craving hit hard, I checked in Google maps while in work, thought about and then got passed it. Delighted.

Let guard down and met Lipe in bar. Stupid now thinking about it. He was talking at me not to me and I switched off. Felt like going home as it wasn't a conversation.

Wish I had of now