betabet

I am the partner of an alcoholic. We have been together 31 years. He has always been an alcoholic. I am writing this as I am exhausted he has been drinking every single day for 6 weeks non stop. He doesn't work as he is retired, he's 10 years older than me, (actually he's never really had a real job). I work full time. There has been so many times in the past where I should have left or got rid of him. He point blank refuses to accept he is an alcoholic or indeed that he has a drink problem. He can drink for months on end then stops for months. He is not physically or verbally abusive but can have a real couldn't care less arrogance about him. There has been no sex or intimacy for 10 years. If I moan about it he turns it right round to me, "I'm paranoid or I'm a nag or why don't I go to the pub with him". Btw hes a pub drinker not a house drinker.....but on occassions I have found an empty bottle of booze, usually because he's not had quite enugh so I believe he drinks this to drink himself to sleep or oblivion. He has brought the police to my door, has been hospitalised through falling while drunk and has gotten into fights. He comes in from a session and starts on me, why am I ignoring him, i'm an ignorant bastard etc. In the past year I have ignored him when he is drunk because I cannot stand him. We have nearly lost our house because of his reckless spending (I now have it in my own name). We were about to buy our dream home and I've decided that its not our dream home because we're not a dream couple. I'm having to take on a mortgage and work until my retirement and its not sitting well with me. He said something the other day and it keeps ringing in my head. He said don't you try and control me when we move to the new house and don't think I'm stopping drinking. It's quite rural, as in not the city, which we're right in the middle of, so I just know he would phone me at all hours to pick him up. I have literally just told him just now (he is sober) that I don't think moving to the new house is a good idea and that I can't cope any longer with his drinking. He just said fine, take the house off the market, I'll leave. Now.....he has said this lots of times before but always comes crawling back and makes me feel guilty and like the sap I am I always take him back. I don't keep in the best of health and propbably only have 20/30 years left on this earth. I'm at the point where I don't even want another partner I just want a nice peaceful life. I should add that I do believe there was something in his past that has caused him to drink from a very early age (13) and I have asked him about it but he denies it. He can never relax. The worst thing about this entire situation is I feel I should have got out years ago. I am so angry with myself. He has had my best years and I feel so wretched right now.

Anna

Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation.

I think that taking your house off the market is the right thing to do. If you sell and move, as planned, it sounds like you will end up working far longer than you want to. If you do decide to move into the dream house, you have no obligation at all to pick up your husband. You could allow him to find his own way home.

If your health is not the best, try to prioritize looking after yourself.

Numblady

Actually, he does sound verbally abusive. Gaslighting you for your concerns. Calling you a nag when you are asking him to be an adult. You should be so proud you took the house off the market. Now time to keep going to put yourself and the years you have left here first. Glad you are here.

advbike

Sorry for your situation - it sounds awful. Please look after yourself first, as he clearly is not going to change. Have you read any books on co-dependency? Those of us who have these codependent traits always feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or set boundaries. There is a section on the main forum called Friends and Family of Alcoholics that you will probably find really helpful, link attached.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

tornrealization

So you feel you have 20/30 years left, and while you may have indicated that’s all you have left, your also upset at the years you put in with your partner, it also means you do have 20/30 years left. That’s a long time. That’s an opportunity to live differently if you should chose too. You can consider what you want your last decades to look like…

Think of your future if he comes crawling back. I’m proud of you taking the house off the market. I also think advbike codependency books reading might be a good suggestion. Thanks for reaching out, you’ll get a lot of support here.

MLD51

Please get yourself out of this situation as soon as you can. You deserve to have that peaceful life you want. You work hard for your money, and it's time for you to reap the rewards of that work alone, and not supporting someone who refuses to admit he's an alcoholic and pull his own weight. He's an anchor dragging you down. Time to cut that rope.

I realize that might be harder than it sounds. Do read a book on co-dependency. You will see yourself there. It might give you some clarity and help you see the situation for what it is. He's taking advantage of you, and you don't need to live that way anymore.

saoutchik

What MLD51 said.

I was thinking along almost identical lines but, perhaps because I'm a guy, I was reluctant to give such definite advice. You can do it.

Steely

The "nice, peaceful life" seems the better option to me betabet.