Thesaviour

I thought for the dog lovers out there who may have read my thread about buying a BULL TERRIER while black out drunk I probably ought to give an update on the unnamed little mite.

let me say the dog was obviously growing on me. The positives were I didn't go out to the bad neighborhood while he was here and then I did when he was gone. Which is food for thought. I can do it when I want? Anyway, he was running up and down the stairs leading to the roof (running? bundling, hopping, doing his best) so independent. I had to get his second vaccine as it was the responsible thing to do and the vet said "oh my God, he is so strong already". His back leg muscles were well delevopped from the stairs. Also I now know my brother was right about my previous bull terrier....he had me wrapped around his finger "helping" him up the stairs when he clearly didn't need it.

I was torn I have to admit "should I keep him or let him go?" or even "maybe if I cannot house him it's a sign I should keep him". But then when I was considering a name I probably wasn't operating with the full deck. I can't remember them all but Omar Little was a consideration.

Anyway, I now ask how did rationality prevail? Do I just have flashes of rationality in a sea of irrational thoughts or are the two mind frames at loggerheads. Emotionally I wanted to keep him but I knew I was knackered and I was out for too much time working. that being said I was shocked how quickly he took to his cage (cage sounds horrible but he went in and out with the door open, blankets covering the bottom and a big blanket covering the "cage roof part") had his toys and whatever else he could drag in there. He tried to pull the big stand up lamp in with him one day but that is another story. His cage looked cosy as hell. In fact I put it in the utility room with the door open and the roof door open during the day then I would bring it down at night and eventually put it back up the next day. He would run up independently on chill out in it...

It could have worked (emotion?)

But rational won in the end and I housed him with a young guy who was brought up with the breed. He has a garden and there is another dog in the family so he has company. I've seen photos and the guy is besotted with him and the dog has his happy bull terrier smile.

It's not the right moment for me. in the future yes. Now no.

Free2bme888

Thanks for update…

Thats a difficult thing to do, to take care of yourself. Part of the loving yourself on the sober journey.


How is the sober journey?

D122y

The cleaner and cleaner I got, the more and more life made sense even when it didn't make sense.

I am still healing, but it is sooooo much more enjoyable. Even the terrible times are more enjoyable.

Thank God for SR. This place saved my life.

Dogs rock. I understand that your dog situation wasn't working, I didn't go back through your posts to see what led to this, I never do.

I see a therapist. She is a federally licensed professional therapist. She is worthless.

This place is way way way way better.

I will keep the therapy going because who knows, maybe it is helping indirectly knowing I have pro help, but the light bulbs seem to really come on here.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

Thesaviour

Thanks for asking.

Here's the tradgedy: I practically didn't touch drugs while he was there. why? Was I distracted? is addiction an illusion? Here is my takeaway: Taking drugs is ****** stupid. A waste of time and energy. when I had my focus on something else not once did I think of drugs. so rather than feeling like shite and thinking "i need love" which is outside my control, isn't is so much easier to try to give love which is inside my control..

Alcohol? No I didn't knock it on the head completely. I did drastically reduce it. But the times I didn't caused loss of energy, loss of focus and very bad decisions. Coming home and feeling bad, having a few to "take the edge off". It doesn't work. the alchol is causing the edge and then the alcohol is the solution to the edge? doesn't have any sense.

I made a bad decesion last night.

I'm hoping to learn from it and change for good

I don't wan't to shatter like a wall of glass
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O4sQReqDY4

Free2bme888

Thesavior, you got this. Don’t beat yourself up.

Read Alcohol Explained. It talks about the brain changes and the why of the insanity that you realize- alcohol causes and yet relieves—-but, the causes issues weight MUCH more than the tiny relief, if any, any more.

Too high a price to pay for me.

Dee74

I think you did the right thing for the dog, You deserve the same consideration.
Do the right thing for you.

This question can be rhetorical if you like…but what will it take for you to find lasting recovery TS?

D

dustyfox

You gave great and careful thought to the dog, really considering what was best - you grew attached and fond of that little dog. I hope you start to feel as fond of yourself and give yourself some care - you deserve it.

Thesaviour

Thanks.

Believe it or not I am halfway through that book and it has been an eye opener. I couldn't understand why I couldn't pull myself out of the "relapse" that started at the end of June after nearly six months completely sober (no cigs, no drugs, no alcohol, no pills.....just quit everything). I was starting to think there was something seriously wrong with me (the jury is still out on that one) as I just kept repeating the same mistake. That book explained perfectly my experience. I downloaded an application while reading the book that monitors your blood alcohol level. It's astounding how long the level of intoxication remains in your system well after the "buzz" has gone.

But yeah, what a trap, alcohol causes depression and anxiety and then you are fooled into thinking that it can relieve your anxiety and depression, which he explains that it temporarily does, so the subconscious mind associates the alcoholic beverage with a "good feeling". But the level of intoxication stays long after the drinks have gone and then the bleak hangover. But the subconscious doesn't associate the negative feelings to alcohol as you haven't got a drink in your hand when the depression and anxiety comes knocking...

Or something like that! It explains the insidious cycle so well.

(oh and apologies to the person who recommended that book to me before and I brushed it off!)

Thesaviour

It's a good question and one I need to give serious thought to.

At the moment I don't really have an answer. Except support perhaps. D122y stated this website was better than his therapist and I have to say that I read a few threads today and it's been helpful. People going through the same thing, people who have gone through the same thing and overcome it. It may sound daft but it's like "ah this is actually a thing that wrecks havoc in many people's life, it's not just me being dumb". So could be an idea to log on and read daily. A reminder as I seem to have a short memory.

AA is another option for "support" and some social contact. I keep writing it in my agenda to go at the weekend but then I don't. It's more to do with laziness of the journey than anything else.

But that might be tied in to the next point: I am not taking solving this problem as seriously as I should be. Meanwhile the damage keeps piling up and time keeps moving.

but when I'm feeling down and thinking what's the point, isolation and loneliness added, it's very easy to slip into a "I don't care" mentality which ensures the whole cycle continues.

I have a feeling this cycle is coming to an end though. But there's a dread feeling that it maybe coming to an end in a not so pleasant way.

Something is on its way.

Dee74

To use a railways metaphor I think its entirely possible for us to leave the train before it runs away and smashes headlong into a barrier and overshoots the end of the tracks.

D

Thesaviour

Talking about past actions catching up.....

Jailed or murdered.

Have to pay nearly a grand for one fine. They gave me notification at end August, to be paid in 6 monthly installments of 160 to be started the first 5 days of following month. Bastards didn't give me hardly any time and I hadn't got. I shouldn't have answered the door. I did in a nice anxiety depression hangover state, fresh self inflicted knife wound. Managed to pay first installment.... Then realized ten days later it was returned for some reason.......... Panicked thinking 'this means jail' but intoxicated I spent the money on a stupid white substance and 'company'. This has happened three times and I called them to explain but they have no record of it going out (I have proof on bank application. Each time the drunk me saw the cash returned and spent it on the escort and white. The warped logic being they sell white so I can avoid the crappy neighborhoods.

These escorts with white usually spell the end of a cycle for me. 1.i end up very disgusted in the degenerate behavior and 2. They are experts at getting you even more wasted and wiping you out financially.

One of them was harassing me on whatsapp claiming a payment of 200 didn't go through and she wanted. Oh it started when I drunkenly returned (starts with alcohol, alcohol leads to wanting white, white leads to wanting degenerate company. In this case it was killing two birds with one stone)

So face to face I said I would check with Bank and see, then ignored her on whatsapp. Going to change number. Then get drunk and responded. The drunk me seems to be addicted to danger/drama as well as everything. Went back spent a moment and said the thing about the fine. She was annoying so got substituted and told me under her breath 'go **** yoursel'

The weekend got drunk and spoke to her before blocking (spoke to say telling me go **** yourself was a lack of respect and she was negative energy) course had to send a video of chopper Reid attacking Keith George in prison.
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