Paddy123

I had a relapse and ended up in hospital for 5 days. I'm now approaching 90 days clean and many of my family will not talk to me now. If I had cancer or other life threatening disease it would not be the same. Why do people not accept that alcoholism is a disease?

DriGuy

It's not that they don't recognize it as a disease. Whether it's a disease or not is still highly debated, and whether it is or not, probably has little to do with their reaction anyway. While 90 days is a great start (congratulations on that), your problem is not something they can control, so that means their only option is to trust you to find your own way out of your addiction. And I'm thinking their issue is trust. 90 days is not enough time to develop trust, and the time needed to develop trust isn't any different for alcoholics than it is for someone with any other issue. Well, it may require more time for alcoholics, because as a group we are notorious for sneaking one drink and promptly falling off the wagon.

Don't hate your family for this, but give them time. If they still won't talk to you after you're sober for 2, 4, or 5 years, there is something else at work here besides alcoholism. They cannot control you, but you cannot control them either. That we are not in control of others is something all alcoholics need to learn and take to heart.

Alcoholism is a lonely place. It's our problem, and finding the cure is almost entirely up to us. We can seek help from other sources like SR, but most of recovery is an internal process and the discoveries we find happen inside. And I have found that many of those closest to me look at people who drink too much as mysteries that they do not understand. I've learned to shrug this off. They never fully understood my problem, and as a result, they can't even understand the joy I have in my own solution.

I don't expect a lot from others, especially if they do not understand.

Mizz

I think Driguy really said it all really well. I cant really add to it.
Dont give up and dont be defeated. The gift of time will prove to your family how serious you are about recovery. Time.
We are happy you are here.

Paddy123

Yes, it sure is a lonely place. I fully understand what you are saying and thanks for your take, luckily my wife has strood by me and helping emencly. The ball is in my court and I will use all the tools necessary to achieve my sobriety. I'm still suffering PAWS especially insomnia and hoping my brain full recalibrates after my relapse. I'm busy in new job which is good and distracts me from the pain in my head and fatigue which I periodically get. I'm also receiving outpatient support from my hospital back home (im in Africa) working which is a great comfort. Thanks again and God Bless you.

doggonecarl

maybe they do understand. If you had lung cancer but still smoked, had heart disease but didn't lose weight, had diabetes and ate cake and ice cream they might react the same way...disappointed that you didn't do everything in your power to minimize the effects of your disease or do what you could to get better.

You are an alcoholic and drank. They're upset.

D122y

There are opinions on whether being a drunk is a disease or not.

That doesn't matter to me. All that matters is that I never ever drink booze again.

It is poison.

If folks don't like the clean me, I am not going to start drinking to appease them. lol!

The folks that love me will love me no matter what. I can use that love as a tool to stay clean.

I use SR to stay clean.

If I came here after a relapse I know my peers would cry for me. I used to think some would laugh at me. That thought is gone.

Stay clean friend.

Love always.

Thanks.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like you are doing a lot of positive things to keep your sobriety online Paddy, that is really the primary thing you can control.

As far as why people don't understand, there really is no answer. We can't even fully understand our addiction as addicts, so expecting others to understand is an exercise in futility. I personally have accepted that I will never understand "why" I am an alcoholic, in fact if I hadn't there's no way I could have overcome it.

Specific to your recent drinking episode and hospitalization though, remember that while we cannot choose whether we are an addict or not, we CAN choose to drink or not. That's where a lot of the animosity from others arises from in my opinion. It's not fair to compare addiction as a disease to Cancer, because with cancer you can't just choose to have your tumors stop growing. With addiction, we have 100% control over the outcome of the disease.

Keep making good choices and following your sobriety path and eventually people will see that you are serious about it, and their opinions will change.

Zebra1275

Why do people not accept that alcoholism is a disease?

It doesn't matter, give it up. You can't control what other people think.

90 days sober is great, but I'm sorry to say that it's not a very long time, if it was preceded by years of drinking.

Focus on your daily sobriety. As your sober time builds up you will measure it in months and years, not just days. Your family's relationship with you may very well change over time.

Hawkeye13

My alcoholic mother hurt me many times with the things she said and did while drinking. Later on, when I became alcoholic, I also hurt those who loved me most with terrible words and bad actions. As I lost trust in my mother being a “safe” person to be close to, my family also lost trust in me.

It is reasonable to expect people to not keep setting themselves up over and over to be hurt. In my case, my mother never stopped drinking and our relationship was never rebuilt. She was destroying my life with her drinking and demands, and I had to step back.

In my case, I got serious about getting and staying sober, and though I have had some short-lived relapses over the years, by and large I am totally sober and my family has come to trust and believe in me. It wasn’t through words but long-term action.

My suggestion is to work on your recovery (not just stopping drinking but finding peace and joy in sobriety) and be patient—don’t build resentments over them not wanting to engage you right now. Your family loves you and that’s why it hurts when you keep relapsing / drinking—so now that you are sober and working a program, they will hopefully come around sooner then later as they see you increasingly reliable, kind, and sober.

Nonsensical

The breathtakingly bad decision-making that accompanies addiction doesn't accompany other life-threatening diseases.
My son is ate up with it, and it is heart-breaking to watch.
Seems like some of your family is still talking with you. Build your relationships with them and hope the others can forgive.
Congrats on 90 days!

aasharon90

I've had to learn that actions speak louder than words.

Family members may never understand addiction unless
that themselves have it or gone thru it.

The only folks that understand me, no questions asked,
are those like me. All those who sat in recovery meetings
around me, with me, beside me.

Folks who have been there, done many of the same
things as I and I of them.

Accepting people, like family, no matter how they feel
about me, which is none of my business, is what is helping
me remain sober in a healthy frame of mind.

Today I am responsible for my own sobriety, recovery,
living life to the best of my human ability. To remain kind,
compassionate, humble, respectable, caring, understanding.
etc.

If I know that I am living the best way possible and
still family or others still don't understand my past sins,
then, that is on them and not me.

They can see for themselves the changes in me
and am not the same person when I was in my addiction.

With continued maintenance on ones self and recovery,
actions will definitely speak louder than words, no matter
what others may think or say.

BornToBeSober

You have to do this for yourself and no one else. Family, friends, and others will not understand and honestly you can't expect them too. I didn't get it myself until I went through several brutal years of addiction to alcohol, cocaine, and meth. It almost killed me. Before that, I looked at addicts as weak.

Just stay clean and eventually they should come around. Show them that they were wrong for ever doubting you. Most importantly, do this for yourself so you can live the life you deserve.

KAD65

They don't understand because they're unable to. They can only view our drinking through the lens of someone who does not have the same problem we do. In addition, many of them have also suffered as a result of our drinking. They carry those memories with them, which often manifests as anger, frustration, and resentment. It takes time, but we can never show our impatience with them. Some of the people closest to me - my own children - still wouldn't talk to me even after 6 years sober. We can't allow how others feel about us to distract and sidetrack us from our own recovery. Our hope is that one day they'll trust and believe in us again, but our motivation has to be for our ourselves alone. We are the only people we have no choice but to live with our entire lives. Fortunately, there are places like SR, and other places in 3D, where we can find people just like us.

2muchpain

Well, I have a hard time understanding why people are addicted to computers, social media or gambling. To me, it shouldn't be that hard to stay away from the casino, but that's just my ignorance. I understand their problem, but still don't get it cause I never had a problem in those areas. Hard to understand when you don't have personal experiences to relate to. John

silentrun

Congratulations on 90 days. Things have a way of working out the longer you stay sober.

Paddy123

Thanks everyone for your replies and comments, I will remain sober for myself first and lay low regard to my family members I have upset. As most have emphasized, give it time and hopefully, things will sort themselves out?.
In the meantime, I am busy with my work and my own family (my wife and my kids). So I'm keeping my head down and reflecting on my relapse and ways so it doesn't happen again, Thanks again everyone for your replies and God Bless you all.

Thesaviour

Stephen Covey said "seek first to understand before seeking to be understood"

Look at it from their point of view:

They don't see drinking alcohol as a "disease" and they are right.

Let me prove it to you:

if we were on a plan flying over the ocean and plane crashed and we ended up stranded on an island....

All those with cancer would continue having cancer and they would succumb to their disease.

All those with "addictions"?

The alcohol addiction would just disappear.....
The drug addiction would just disappear....

And you would continue with your life on the island while those with actual diseases with continue with their actual diseases.

This should be good news.

It proves it is a choice. If the choice is removed the addiction is gone.

novips

A couple of quotes from the Big Book come to mind:

(1) Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

(2) Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all.... [Our family] will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.

Fusion

Paddy, I think it's because one has to suffer something to understand. I can't understand a person suffering with bulimia or anorexia. Having said that, as a person with an addiction, I understand their suffering. Maybe it's because the people who don't understand have no addiction, or suffering, to anything?

Jupiter11

I don't believe it's a disease.
But let's just say for one minute it is. By indulging in it, you are keeping the disease active. And it's the activity of it that causes the trouble with others.
So it still comes down to a choice whether you want this disease active or not.
I think I just said what thesaviour said lol