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Need advice - Friend is drinking himself towards a probable death



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Need advice - Friend is drinking himself towards a probable death

Old 10-04-2021, 03:26 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tornrealization View Post
I feel like I’m watching my brother make heart breaking decisions about his drinking as well. I’ve had the give sobriety a try talk, I’m leading by example and he’s not decided yet to quit. Just agree, admits the issue and carries on. I know when people reached out to me, the message was received even if I continued to drink. That’s all we can do. I have had to shut out the emotional things as I found my concern, worrying and wishing things were different or that my message wasn’t headed has led to some flashbacks to early sobriety struggles and I had to decide to preserve my sobriety and not engage unless it’s in the form of sobriety questions or discussions. So I get it, I do. It’s rough. Protect your sobriety, understand that this ultimately is up to your friend to make their decision. I wish you both the best.
boy do I feel you in your situation. We lost my sister in 2020 to alcohol. In late 2019, after numerous attempts to provide Experience Strength and Hope - met by continued alcohol-addled awfulness between us - I had to put up my boundaries. I expressed to her that I'd be there for her when she was ready for recovery but until then I had to protect my sobriety and my family from her descent into despairing alcoholism. I felt awful about it. Even moreso when in 2020, she finally got taken by the disease. She was 28.

It pains me still that we really never got to mend from that. We'd attempted an intervention in early 2020, which I participated in with love and with sincere hope that we could connect with her and she'd take action. Unfortunately, she didn't. That intervention attempt was my last contact with her - during which she'd become enraged that I was there and demanded I not be there.

But, our relationship had become toxic and every time I'd engaged with her, it had resulted in some kind of conflict or situation stemming from her drinking that was damaging to me, to my family, to our relationship.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Hang in there. I hope your brother finds his way.
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Old 10-04-2021, 08:30 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I wish I had an answer

I have a friend I have known since 1978. He has had a drinking problem for years, and of course I used to drink with him. Over the years, many people have tried to get him to stop, me included. His sister did an intervention on him. He went to treatment. It did not last. He has had a stroke. Yet he still smokes and drinks all the time. I am sad to say that I and others have given up. I am still his friend, I guess I always will be. But I don't try to get him to stop anymore. He will stop when he is ready or if he has some serious health issue again. Meanwhile, I try to be an example and maintain my own sobriety. That is all I can do really. You can't make somebody stop drinking. Sorry that I don't have a better answer.
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Old 10-06-2021, 06:38 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
boy do I feel you in your situation. We lost my sister in 2020 to alcohol. In late 2019, after numerous attempts to provide Experience Strength and Hope - met by continued alcohol-addled awfulness between us - I had to put up my boundaries. I expressed to her that I'd be there for her when she was ready for recovery but until then I had to protect my sobriety and my family from her descent into despairing alcoholism. I felt awful about it. Even moreso when in 2020, she finally got taken by the disease. She was 28.

It pains me still that we really never got to mend from that. We'd attempted an intervention in early 2020, which I participated in with love and with sincere hope that we could connect with her and she'd take action. Unfortunately, she didn't. That intervention attempt was my last contact with her - during which she'd become enraged that I was there and demanded I not be there.

But, our relationship had become toxic and every time I'd engaged with her, it had resulted in some kind of conflict or situation stemming from her drinking that was damaging to me, to my family, to our relationship.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Hang in there. I hope your brother finds his way.
I am so sorry to hear about your sister .
she was so young.
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Old 10-07-2021, 06:38 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I think all you can really do is live by example.

We know all-too-well the demons of alcoholism. "Tough love" never worked on me. Family members or friends policing my intake definitely never worked. None of it really did. And if he has an enabler in his life, that's another layer of complicated.

What he probably needs is some serious outpatient support at a recovery center, the guidance of a doctor, and a realistic view of what his life can be now. He probably feels helpless and has surrendered, and alcohol serves to silence what I imagine is a lot of fear, regret, shame, etc...

I wish I had better advice. If you've said your piece, you could try talking to his wife separately and stage an intervention of some kind, but I don't know much about that or how successful they are (and if there's means to send him somewhere that could help). Good luck man, I've been there.
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Old 10-07-2021, 07:23 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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So sad to read about your sister @FreeOwl
I do not think the behaviour of your firend is dependent on whatever you do @TroubleAfoot
My experience is that everything can be an excuse to drink until we are ready to quit. The final trigger is different for everyone. Mine was my anxiety; I got overwhelmed and scared of myself and aware I could not escape anymore from my own body with alcohol so I stopped. I realised I was physically dependent and had to start drinking in the morning or just quit and as I say (and my username says) I got so scared that I decided not to touch alcohol ever again.

Until that moment, a friend 'leaving me alone' or a friend 'enabling' me would have been equally good excuses to keep on drinkng. Good things happening, bad things happening, nothing happening. I knew I was destroying myself; i knew alcohol was the problem (I actually thought alcohol was the only problem; it has been tough to discover I had other ***** to sort out too) but I was not ready to go through the pain of quiting.

This is not about you. He drinks because he is an alcoholic; He is probably sufffering massively all the time but there is nothing you can do to resolve it. In my view, you should just do what makes you feel better whether this is to stick by his side to the end and accept whatever the end is; or to distance yourself.

Sorry you are going through this.
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Old 10-09-2021, 05:57 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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That sounds like end-stage alcoholism.
If it was me in your situation, I would tell the person "You can be friends with me or you can drink. But for my own mental health, I refuse to watch someone that I care about die of alcoholism."
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