Jupiter11

Thanks FDM, sorry about your crap day But thanks for your encouragement

Since I wrote that have had the AV nagging on. Probably because my money should be getting paid in soon. But I treat it as I did my mother nagging when I was a teenager..ignore lol
I've been down in secular amongst the AVRT posts..excellent they are and strengthen all my resolve!
Have you looked into AVRT?

Hope you have a better day tomorrow FDM

Jupiter11

Safely back from the shop. As it happens I didn't even think about buying a bottle while I was in there. Was too busy gabbing with the woman I know behind the till.
Got my stuff, left the shop, realised I didn't even think about getting drink. I was well pleased with myself I was. But even if I had had thoughts of it, I wouldn't have done it.
I have been ignoring the hard at work AV all evening and it's me who has the final say here.
Still it will be nice one day, to not have to feel proud of myself for not buying drink. It's a bit pathetic when you think about it lol
Bought myself fish and chips instead. Scoffed them down, now I feel a bit sick lol
Today I am grateful I have money, I have cigarettes and I have coffee! And I have an (over) full belly of fish and chips

Obladi

Good on ya, Jupiter.

I still amaze myself sometimes when I realize that I didn't even think about buying a bottle. Mostly, I just get some pleasure from realizing it, but occasionally I pat myself on the back. After all, I did that. I am the person who went through all of that messy stuff to get to the place where I don't even think about drinking. It's not pathetic at all. We are The Champions, my friend.

It's good you have the comforts of your (less scary than alcohol) ritual drugs. At some point, I know my doctor will start in on me about those things, but for now I give myself a pass. I'm not drinking, after all. Not dead is better than the alternative, I think.

Ooo and I just noticed you snuck in a gratitude list.
Fine work.

O

Jupiter11

Day 11

Hey you are right Obladi, I deserve a self pat on the back I kick myself up the arse enough when I muck up! Lol
Jupiter's AV .. yeah but you've thought you've done good before only to fall soon after

Let's ignore that fool.

So glad I didn't drink. I have one of my cleaning jobs today and it's quite strenuous. I go once a fortnight
The woman I clean for is 84, fitter than me and works in a charity shop 4 times a week!

This will be another test. Usually I will buy gin out of my Wednesday night money. That would be half gone by today. Then she would give me my cleaning money, she lives next to a big supermarket and I would go straight in there and buy another litre of gin for £13. Then that with the half litre left off the night before would see me through a couple of days.
Buy more on the Saturday or Sunday and drink for a couple more days.
Lovely, a great way to live

Tomorrow I am meeting my daughter and I WILL NOT be hungover. Last time we had a trip out together was to a lovely cathedral city to look for her wedding veil. I was literally dying from withdrawal and that was 2 days after I had stopped!
She was not happy (unsurprisingly) so definitely won't be doing that again!

Anyway, thank you for your post Obladi, it was lovely to read on just waking up 🤍

fishkiller

Good work on Day11!!

I remember how good it felt early on to walk out of the store without buying alcohol.
Never let go of that feeling. It's a good one.
I don't necessarily pat myself on the back anymore but I am and will remain proud of the fact I can still do it.
We put ourselves in this position yes, But we are fighting our way out of it. That Is something to be proud of. We ain't giving up.

Glad you got funds to get what you need. Without drinking you will be surprised how far just a little cash will go.

Keep on fighting

Jupiter11

Hi fishkiller, thanks for your post I'm not going to lie, it did feel good lol. It did coming out of the supermarket without drink too.

Jupiter11

Oh yes, the extra cash..jeez..us. I did my cleaning job and Moira (the woman whose house I clean) wanted her whole porch washing, including the walls and ceiling (they are white laminate). I was on top of a 6ft ladder with my arms raised above my head for about an hour of the time. Bloody 2 huge stained glass windows to clean. Anyway, afterwards went to the supermarket, couldn't find a basket so used a trolley, got too much stuff (no drink extra goods lol)
I had to pack my stuff into bags and carry it home, 3 carrier bags, a shoulder bag, full of heavy things. I calculated when I got in I had carried 20kg of weight half a mile, uphill, in a head on wind, no exaggeration!!
My arms and shoulders were killing to start with, thanks to the cleaning, I won't be able to move them tomorrow!

There was zero temptation in the supermarket. I had a strop on about something this morning, which I wrote about on my other thread, which made me consider drinking. But funnily enough when I identified it as AV the urge left and I was able to reason with myself about the problem. Must have been my beast (of AVRT fame) having a strop on about being denied drink these last days lol

Jupiter11

A woman I know keeps sending me meditation stuff. I must be the only person in the world that hates meditating, it stresses me right out, would rather read I might have to tell her cos she keeps asking me questions about what I think of them after I say I did them I'm such a wimp lol

Jupiter11

Off to bed although it's only 7.30. Have to be up at 5 to catch my train to meet my daughter tomorrow. Bit nervous about seeing her after all the hassles since I last saw her.

Also, need to go to bed as I ache all over after today.
Goodness knows what I'll be like tomorrow, not be able to move probably

Glad I didn't drink today. Urge went and didn't return!

Today I am grateful,
I didn't fall off the ladder while washing the ceiling
That I eventually made it home with those heavy bags ( although I think I'm 2in shorter due to compression of the spine with the weight of those bags)
I will not be hungover tomorrow

Obladi

Oh, it's lovely to read about your day, Jupiter.
I'm glad you didn't drink today, too!

A little advice from the mom of adult daughters of an alcoholic (that would be me): Try to keep things light and pleasant with your daughter. Much as you might want to go over past transgressions, a simple apology is probably all she can handle from you for now. (And I think you already did that? Apologize, I mean.) I only say so to help you to avoid making a major mistake that I did with my girls. Early on, they just wanted some normalcy, not more talking about my problems. Come to think of it, that's what they want now, too.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's update. I understand the nerves, but it will be fine. Keep it light.

Jupiter11

Day 12

Thanks for this Obladi, needed some advice on how to act! Yes, I have apologised a million times (unfortuanelty it was after one of these aplogies and promising to never drink again that I ...drank again)
She doesn't know about last time and I'm not going to dob myself in! That would have been the end for sure if she had found out about that!!

Yes, she has made it pefectly plain that she is not interested hearing the details of me and where I am on my drinking/not drinking merry go round, just that if I am and she finds out, that's it for her.
And I can't blame her for that!
I don't even trust my OWN promises, even though I mean them when I make them.
I hurt her a LOT spewing my drink induced poison on her just when she was at her happiest. At least those nasty texts I sent made me see me for what I really was in drink. And I didn't like what I saw one little bit, infact I hated me!
But I drank again days later, because I felt so bad about what I had done, then again, over the same "reason". Which is why this time around I'm treating those thoughts as AV because they always lead to drinking.

Yes, keep it light, that is a good idea, I won't bang on about it, because that would be like me looking to her to make me feel better, when she was the one who got hurt.

Lets hope this trip goes better than the last one. Last time I met her for a day trip to get her wedding veil, I booked on a national bus. They didn't tell anyone that a different company stepped in at the last minute. The bus pulled into the bus station where about another 5 national buses were standing, different company name on, different destination on the front. The driver just shouted "any more?" Half an hour after he pulled out, there was a little group of us standing waiting still and found out that was our bus! My daughter had to drive for an hour and a half, from where we were meant to meet to pick me up!
So train this time.

Thanks for this post Obladi, helped more than you know ..I can't even give you any little emojis cos Im on my laptop..just this one

fishkiller

O makes a good point as usual.

Let your sobriety speak for itself. No words can help.

My daughter and I have always been OK but I could tell there was something off.
Of course it was the fact I was a heavy drinker who became someone else when under the influence. Not a bad person but not me either.

It's got to be hard on a kid to have 2 different parents in the same body.

Since I quit drinking we have changed. She now knows who I am and who I will always be.
Not having to worry about some foolish acting drunk popping up.
I am always gonna be there if needed. No need to worry if I have been drinking and cannot drive to help her if necessary.

I say all of this to let you know that it Will get better.
Your daughter is still in your life and obviously loves you very much to continue to accept you for who you are. You don't have to be that person anymore. Yalls life will improve greatly when you put the drink down for good.
Give it time and let your actions speak for themselves.

I only told my daughter I quit after 5 months sober when she offered to go buy some beer on a visit. She said, Oh OK. Pretty much that was it. Never discussed it again.
At that point in my sobriety I was lucid enough to see the effect my drinking had on her. The way she expected me to act and the guarded way she approached certain things with me. That really hurt. I had never noticed before.
I already knew I was done with drinking but that right there was the icing on the cake. To see the real effects it had on the one person I love more than life itself. For what? A fricken poisonous substance?
What a selfish person I had become.

Sorry for the rant about myself.

You are doing great!
AVRT has been my savior also. Not a religious man nor a group person so being able to recognize these thoughts for what they are and dismiss them has been the key to my sobriety.

FlyingDutchMan

Jupiter! Had some problems logging in yesterday, but I’m back. Yesterday was crap again but today is much better. Fantastic to read you are still so very committed to staying sober. I hope you have a great time with your daughter. Let it be the start of a new era.

All my best and have a great weekend.

Jupiter11

Hi FDM, there you are!
I'm pleased this day is going better for you. What made the other 2 so crappy?
I had a fantastic time with my daughter thanks.
We spent a lovely 5 hours looking around the shops (Xmas decorations in them in September ) looking at prams, cots all things baby. I bought my future granddaughter her first toy. We had a long lunch, was good.

My daughter won't tell me what sex the baby is, but I'm never wrong, I know it's a girl. I wouldn't care if it was another grandson, because I love my grandsons to death but my psychic whoo whoo screams it's a girl

Only thing is I got home and I have lost my bankcard!
I'll just have to order another one. I am always losing it, the bank are threatening to charge me for new ones 😆

She and I are ok. I did mention the nasty texts I sent and said I was sorry for hurting her. I didn't want her to think I was just going to pretend it was nothing.
She said there was no excuse for it. The only thing I can do to say sorry is not to drink. And that's the end of discussion. And so it was.

She said she had booked the day off work for my birthday next month and either she would come over here or I could go to hers. Yey, I've never seen her new house because they have just moved in and renovations weren't finished.

All in all a good day.
Hope the rest of your day continues to be better for you

Jupiter11

Right 8pm my bedtime. I'm shattered, but happy.
Yes, my daughter does look pregnant now, surreal lol
Bummer about my bank card, but cancelled it and ordered a new one (again).
I can't get any money out now until it comes, bank too far away to draw money out.
I don't really need any apart from I invited all my son's and their wives/gfs for Sunday lunch and I have no potatoes
I'm glad I dragged those bags of groceries home from the supermarket yesterday now lol.
Anyway too tired to prattle on too much tonight
Today I am grateful for, my daughter
Dragging groceries yesterday
Xmas gonks

Jupiter11

So sorry I missed your post here fishkiller, it's the pits trying to read on my phone screen.
No!! That was very illuminating what you wrote about yours and your daughter's relationship.
I understand exactly what you mean (obviously the first bit). My daughter might be talking to me and stuff. But I know she's just waiting for the next time she encounters me drunk, the "other" me.
It's marvelous the way you have turned things around for yourself and by doing that for your daughter and your relationship too.
I would love one day to be able to say the same.
Thank you for sharing that, it's a real incentive for me to stick with it
Because yes, it does hurt like heck to know you keep hurting the person you love more than life itself because of your selfish action in picking up that drink!
And yes it is confusing and awful for them, especially when they are young.
I had it with my father, I should have known better than to do it to my kids!!

Again yes, I really like the AVRT technique. I like to do things independently.
If I get an urge to drink, I want to rely on no-one except myself to not act upon it.

Thanks so much for this post FK

Jupiter11

Day 13

Not much to write, because I wrote it yesterday!
I am even stiffer off the other day than I was yesterday so some light housework today.
Will see if my older grandkids are coming over this afternoon later. I don't see them that often now, used to stay with me every Saturday night in the past. But now they have bigger fish to fry on a Saturday. Namely, the match or if there isn't a home game on, they are playing for their own football clubs team.
Boys

Jupiter11

I'm so glad I didn't start drinking the other day, for one because I would be still drinking now and for 2 because I am starting to feel so much better!

My mind is clearing, my spirits are lifting, I have more energy and I am engaging with people more.
My oldest grandson just rang to say he won "man of the match" at his footy game this morning and I will see him for a while before he's off to watch the match at the stadium this afternoon.
My son who I invited to lunch tomorrow rang to say I am invited to theirs instead (think it was after I said I lost my bankcard so would patch things together that I had in. Lol)
His gf is Bangladeshi and cooks things I have never even heard of. All delish but it has to be toned down for my "bland English palate" lol
The one thing that has been going through my mind when I have been deluged with the desires of my "beast" was something I read somewhere ages ago.
I could never figure out how people got and stayed sober in a bearable way.
It was something like "the battle is won one urge at a time"
So that has knocked out of my mind the "this once won't matter" mentality.

fishkiller

This Once Will matter. In a very bad way.
We know this. We don't drink. Period.

There is no negotiating that. For any reason.

Glad you are feeling better. It will continue to improve as long as you don't drink.
Which you won't because, You Don't Drink.

Beat that in your head and it will become truth.

Life will never be perfect but it is Much better sober. Even the bad times.

Jupiter11

Thanks for the reiteration, fishkiller
No, I don't drink. And I won't, under any circumstances. Happy or sad. Craving or not craving. Alone or in company.
I am now a non drinker, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. Until death do me depart.