FlyingDutchMan

Jupiter, the tone in your posts is so completely different (in a positive way) from when you first got here, I think that’s brilliant. I really like reading up on your progress and I have much respect for the way you are handling things.

Keep at it, and keep posting!

Jupiter11

Thank you so much for your words FDM When I first came here, after my daughter's wedding, I was in real trouble. That was my full blown addict self. I couldn't stay off it for more than a day or 2. I hated myself, I was drowning in guilt and booze. I was losing everyone, including myself.
I was looking for someone to save me, God, AA, anybody. But of course that wasn't going to happen, probably because that wasn't done out of belief but desperation!

I don't know what happened last Monday, but I suddenly realised I would have to save myself or sink to the bottom and disappear.

So I decided to fight for my life. And I don't feel that's any exaggeration. I was in an incredibly dark place.

Coming back here (even though I just wanted to hide) was the best thing I could have done. The support has been fantastic.
And when you are in a fight for your life you can't let shame or pride or anything get in your way!
Even in this short time, there is improvement in my life, just in the way I feel

Your post has really cheered me up, thanks again 🙂

Jupiter11

End of another day.
Just drained today. But peaceful

Did my windows and the living room
Ate some of the soup I made yesterday. It tasted ok considering it was an odd concoction of things I already had in 😀

Things I am grateful for today
Grateful I can feel again
Grateful for having a sister like I did have, even though she had to return home earlier than we would have liked.
Grateful for feeling at peace tonight
Grateful for my refund, bought some rubbish online, drunk 😐

Obladi

Awesome job with the list.
I like that a gratitude list is on your list.
Counting blessings at the end of the day is one of my favorite ways to celebrate life.

Your AV hasn't needed to wait until Thursday - it's already shown up by suggesting to you that It might show up then.
It thinks It's sneaky and crafty.

YOU are smart enough to notice and then disregard.

Jupiter11

Hello again Obladi 👋
Yes, the gratitude thing, have to struggle a bit with that sometimes, I'm a very ungrateful sod, apparently lol
Yes again, my AV luurves money. Money=strong cravingsNothing needs to have happened, just money, knee jerk-get a drink.
I laugh reading the RR book when it says about the AV talking in the "we"
I do that. Money, let's get a drink. Let's of course short for "let us" who is this "us" lol
Anyway that money is spoken for. My daughter bought me a gorgeous locket that she gave me on her wedding morning. It has the tree of life symbol carved into it, a lovely message about family engraved on it and pictures of her and me inside.
I want to get her a present. It's something I had my eye on but couldn't afford in time for the wedding.

Today, I will be suffering from nicotine withdrawal. I did manage to scrap money together the other day for smokes..but they are gone 😦

I am not looking forward to this, as I always have a hard time without nicotine, so does everyone else, as I am evil. The devil incarnate someone called me last time I tried to give up..as if 😁

Today, clean the bathroom, do my 4 hours incredibly brain stimulating data input.
Lie in bed and cry because I have no smokes and can't function without them

Jupiter11

Day 9
That should have been on last post. Goddamn this (non) memory

FlyingDutchMan

Give it some time, it will get better. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ll try to check in later on, to see how you are doing.

Jupiter11

Catch you later FDM 🙂


OMG I need a cigarette
I said I wasn't going to borrow any more money from anyone, so I'm not. But I wish it was tomorrow night!
Usually my 3rd day not smoking is the worst.
I'm out of coffee too so have a caffeine withdrawal headache.
But out of painkillers too And out of bread And would kill for something sweet to eat, but have no snacks

I might bake some bread later. Although the last eleventy attempts have not been good, oven to bin in one easy move lolBut I have some jam and butter and I'm craving sweet things, so it's either attempt another loaf or eat jam off a spoon!
I found some chilli I made in the freezer and have plenty of soup I made Sunday (another 8 portions!!!)

I get paid Wednesday night, get paid Thursday morning from my cleaning job and refund should be paid into my bank Thursday too.
So, have to live without smokes, coffee, painkillers and sugar stuff until then.
This will be interesting

fishkiller

It won't be easy but you can do it!

Jupiter11

Hi fishkiller, it's not easy but I have no choice!

I was constantly borrowing money for drink and then owing nearly all of my wages out come payday. Then starting the whole cycle over a couple of days later.
This week I should be pulled straight.
I could borrow it because I owe no one anything at this time.
But I feel like such a tramp scrounging money.
PS That's an English tramp, think it has a different meaning in America

FlyingDutchMan

Here I am, to catch up on the latest news and gossip

I don’t envy you, having to do without things that you’re somehow dependent on. No coffee and no smokes, yikes. I can relate to that. Those wouldn’t be fun days for me as well. But I do applaud your attitude in the last post. I doubt if I could shrug it off like you’re doing.

Sending you a lot of positivity from the other side of the North Sea!

Jupiter11

Hi FDM
I would do you a little wave but Im on my laptop and don't know how to get those little emoji things on here.
Shrug it off? I am so not shrugging it off I am demented here lol
The only thing saving my sanity is that it's only until 9pm tomorrow night! I've gone 1 day without smokes, usually 3 days and it's the worst, I read somewhere that's when the last of the nicotine leaves your body (think I've already left my body, feel strangely floaty!)
To combat the lack of caffine, Ive been putting 3 teabags in each cup of tea.
I'll try to stop smoking for good sometime soon.
I grew up by the North Sea, nothing like a stiff cold wind straight from the artic to put hairs on your chest (and Im a woman)
Hope you are feeling in good spirits and thanks for dropping by

FlyingDutchMan

Cheering you on as you do so!

That remark about arctic winds and a hairy woman’s chest really cracked me up haha. Thanks for that.

Jupiter11

Thanks for the encouragement FDM
Glad it tickled you lol
End of another day.
Did the bathroom.

Not really grateful for much today, rubbish day lol
Grateful I had enough teabags to have 3 at a time.

Jupiter11

PS was going to put grateful to be sober today. But think that would be wrong. It would suggest (to me) that my sobriety wasn't in my own hands. That it wasn't my choice. That it was just something that just "happened" that I should be grateful for.

Jupiter11

I know! I'm grateful I found the strength when I needed it to put down the drink 🙂

I hope everyone who is battling addiction finds the strength in themselves, because I believe everyone has it in them!
Now I just have to leave the smokes behind for good 😬

Obladi

There you go, luv.
You can have gratitude for things you did yourself; why not?
Definitely, be grateful to your own self that you are sober today.
By the way, all of the additional smileys and whatnot are up there right above where you are typing your message - just click on the smiley you see and you will find a veritable treasure trove of fun-ness behind.

On my gratitude list in the beginning, I tried every day to think of 3 new things I hadn't already "used." When you get creative, you can find lots of things!
- Air to breathe
- Food in the house (even if you don't love it - you have food)
- Etc

Jupiter11

Day 10

Hi Obladi how are you? I hope you know everytime I see your name it puts that song in my head that takes ages to get out again!
Important things first, the emojis, the thing for them is on my laptop, but not my phone, I was playing with them yesterday, they are quite addictive in themselves lol
Gratefulness, I have been a bit wary of that in the past. Purely because once I think "at least I still have ____ it goes! Trying to get out of this "magical thinking" of to expect the worst guards against the worst happening.

It's only nearly 6am but I feel happy, unnaturally happy, almost manic happy, so I am guessing the emotional rollercoaster phase isn't over yet.
I know cityboy said in my other thread this would last a while. Although I was horrified at the thoughts of it 5 days ago, it hasn't really been that bad. Just riding the waves in my little rubber dinghy.

Really hope my wages go in at 9 tonight, most times they do. That'll give me an hour to get to the shop for essentials like smokes and coffee.
Note from Jupiter's AV....trouble is, that's where they sell all the booze too, will you come out with smokes, coffee and a bottle?
Lets just ignore that idiot, it's trying to cast doubt on my ability to control my own actions.

What to do today?
My 6 year old grandson usually goes to after school club because my son and his wife work, apart from a Wednesday, so I am going to ask if I can pick him up from school. He is such a funny little character, he creases me up. And beats me at monopoly when I don't cheat 😀

Have some serious and vital data to input.
And might tackle the task of tidying the pigsty that is my bedroom. It's so untidy and muddled. A reflection of my mind I think 😂
That's about it. Oh and I have some delicious soup to look forward to for lunch 🤢 I mean .. yummy!




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Jupiter11

Ah, my little playmate has just gone to football club. I didn't have to ask to pick him up from school, my son rang this morning and said he had a meeting so asked me to.
We came back and played on the Wii, I have this thing that hold loads of games. At least he appreciates games like Sonic the hedgehog and Mario. My older grandkids say it's like going back to the stoneage!
So all ok so far today.
Was going to take this thread to a blog instead, as I generally just prattle on, but it helps me, but can't get blogs option on my phone.
Can't get emoji options on my laptop. Don't know if I'm just doing something wrong.

FlyingDutchMan

Just checking in to see how you are doing, you sound upbeat. I like that!

Had a bit of a crap day myself, but feeling better after reading up on this thread. You’re still on that winning streak and I wish I had your determination.

Stay strong, you can do it!