Janigans12

Fiance randomly drove off drunk for no reason and didnt let us know where he was going or why. My kids 9 (not his) but calls him dada and 2 his, went to run a errrand. We were gone 20 mins. Came back he was gone. Texted to see if he wanted me to keep his daughter up til he got back. I assumed he ran out to grab something kids were asking were dada was. He never responded . We thought he got in an accident. 3 hours later he responded he would be back tomorrow to get some things. Ignored texts. Didnt ask about kids. Next day when he was sober he said ill be there in an hour to get clothes. This being second time i ended relationship. He has asked nothing about step son very little about daughter few days later when i asked what we did to get treated this way he said he was unhappy for a long time. I found out he was hiding alcohol. We had agreed to 2 a night only after the last episode. He also admitted to knowing he made a mess ext. Some people say i should be gentle in communication before he snaps worse. Thoughts? Is this a pattern of alcoholism or something more and alcoholism doesnt help?
oh amd we got engaged 7 weeks ago and i asked why he wanted to get married if he was unhappy for so long and he said to make me happy

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Janigans, sorry to hear you are going through all this. Lying and blaming others is certainly a pattern/common of alcoholism - especially when actively drinking. He could very well have other issues going on, most of us do or did - but drinking isn't helping any of it. If he's to the point of physically leaving his kids behind and going off to drink, then there's likely not a lot you can do one way or the other besides taking care of yourself.

We have a friends and family of alcoholics forum you may want to check out here as well, many people have been through similar abuse/mistreatment unfortunately. It's also important to know that you may never know "why" he is doing what he is doing, addicts have a hard time even coming to grips with their addiction themselves. It's an illogical, very selfish affliction indeed. Not to say that people cannot recover from it, but they have to want to do it for themselves first and foremost - its not something you can really force or will them to do.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Janigans

As to whether its alcoholism or not, he's choosing drinking over his responsibilities, especially his responsibilities to his kids, so I agree with Scott - if he's at the point of choosing drinking over his children there's probably nothing that you could say to change things, so it doesn't really matter whether communication is gentle or not.

You deserve better and so do your kids. I'm just a guy on the internet but I think ending the relationship and not getting married are probably both wise at this point.

D

advbike

I am so sorry to hear of the situation you're in. Scott and Dee summed it up pretty well - once the addiction takes over there's not a lot the partner can do, but it does sound like there may be some other issues going on here, not just drinking. I suggest you do not press him too hard right now. Some guys over-commit in relationships because they want to please the other person, and then freak about about it, and he might also have some core anxiety issues. I personally have a hard time saying no or asking for what I need in relationships so am aware of the mess those dynamics can create. I do hope he seeks help and I feel for your kids - the loss or sudden disappearance of a parent can be extremely traumatic for them. Please take care of yourself and check out the F & F section Scott mentioned also.

least

You and the kids deserve better. I hope you don't marry this man.

SouthernSober

The general guidance for people in early recovery is no romantic relationships in the first year. I'm not saying that is gospel truth, but it is the general guidance and sound counsel. That's for people already in recovery, so it sure seems to address the question of relationships with people still active in their addiction.

Cityboy

Jan, sorry to read about your situation. Regardless of anything else, it doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. Your description of the drinking is definitely not a good indicator of behavior to come. You obviously have feelings for this person, but you need to weigh the indicators independently of those feelings. Is this the life you want for your kids? Is this how you want to live?

DriGuy

That's heart breaking to read. Life with an alcoholic can be like that, but take the alcoholism out of the picture. He's unhappy. He's marrying you to make you happy. But it doesn't make him happy, and he wants out. How can this end? Right at the start, you are marrying into a big mess. Not much of a foundation to build a relationship on. And in the end, you will be married to an irresponsible drunk. Will he change? I don't know. Why not let him grow up, and then try it again later. You already have 2 kids. You don't have to marry another one.

Ladysadie

Good advice ^^^ I will add that he's a pathetic example of a father and adulting. I grew up with one so my level of tolerance to this kind of choices he's making is zero.

Put yourself first so that you can be the best parent for your kiddos. Get your life in order in a clean and loving environment. Be there in all ways for these kids.

Do not marry this guy. He will want to come back at some point and beg you to forgive him. Promises without action to back them up are BS. Read "Codependent No More" a great book on the cycle of dysfunction. Relevant as ever today as it was when it first came out. Helped me to get on with my life. YOU CAN AND DESERVE BETTER

Janigans12

Thank you all for your comments, they really do help. No i am not getting back with him! Right now i have not let my daughter ( 2 year old) out of my sight. my ex asked to have her overnight and refused. I told him he has to come here to visit her. he canceled 4 times already. My lawyer and his spoke and advised him he cant do any over nights until drug alchol rehab. But he told a someone he is just going to lie there. if he does he will pass, what do i do then? can addicts/alcholics lie at these evaluations? he has 3-4 dwi in past and one resulting in jail. any ideas on anything else i could be doing?

Bekindalways

Heya Janigann, I'm glad you found us. This is a tough thing to deal with and even more so when children are involved.

You might try checking into the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. It is on this website on the list of forums. Just scroll down the list until you find it. Lots of folks there have dealt with raising children with an alcoholic partner. They may have some words of wisdom for you.

Zebra1275

He may very well be a decent man, but it's probably the alcohol talking to you, not him.

Hopefully for his sake, he can get sober. If he does, maybe there is a future for your relationship but I think it's at least 1 sober year away.

Anna

It's good that you have a lawyer advising you as you go through this situation.

I hope you can find some peace.