Emotional
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Hi Obladi, no, I'm not dwelling on what I could or should have done. I didn't get raging drunk the couple of weeks afterwards. I tried to comfort people, my mother, her kids, her husband. Apart from raging about the ridiculous restrictions at the time (which I won't air here) I felt nothing.
All I had was a knot in my gut. At the funeral (if you can call it that) couldn't cry, just a knot in my gut. At the graveside, the same. Earlier this month went to take flowers for her birthday to the grave, just the same knotted feeling.
Last night and today, is the first time I have cried and I felt that knot loosen.
Horribly painful, but very calming afterwards.
All I had was a knot in my gut. At the funeral (if you can call it that) couldn't cry, just a knot in my gut. At the graveside, the same. Earlier this month went to take flowers for her birthday to the grave, just the same knotted feeling.
Last night and today, is the first time I have cried and I felt that knot loosen.
Horribly painful, but very calming afterwards.
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I've opened a right can of worms here.
Just thoughts of our 48 years together, crowding inI was 8 when she was born. Knit a cardigan for her by firelight and candlelight (miners strike and rationed electricity) as a present when she was born (although didn't know she would be a she). Took me months. When she was born, she was so big it didn't even fit her she was 10lb 3 Oz!! Lol
Buying her her Brownies uniform out of my first wage ever
Her wedding. Her first child. Me and her being pregnant together, her 2nd, my 3rd visiting her in the hospital when my niece had to be born by cesarean early and balancing this tiny scrap on my pregnant belly
Her coming ladened with presents and flowers when my first was born. Delighted to be an auntie
Her making me an auntie for the first time
Taking our kids to school and going back to hers for coffee and to watch Colin Fry the medium on TV
Last summer and the fun we had
Just too many memories.
Then Xmas Eve. A pain in her calf. Three hours later, trouble breathing, then gone.
Maybe I'm not such a cold hearted cow after all who couldn't even cry for the loss of her sister. At least there's that
But when other people were upset I thought I didn't really have a right to be.
Her kids lost there mother, my mother lost her child, her husband lost his wife.
I had only lost my sister.
Oh no, I'm off again!
Just thoughts of our 48 years together, crowding inI was 8 when she was born. Knit a cardigan for her by firelight and candlelight (miners strike and rationed electricity) as a present when she was born (although didn't know she would be a she). Took me months. When she was born, she was so big it didn't even fit her she was 10lb 3 Oz!! Lol
Buying her her Brownies uniform out of my first wage ever
Her wedding. Her first child. Me and her being pregnant together, her 2nd, my 3rd visiting her in the hospital when my niece had to be born by cesarean early and balancing this tiny scrap on my pregnant belly
Her coming ladened with presents and flowers when my first was born. Delighted to be an auntie
Her making me an auntie for the first time
Taking our kids to school and going back to hers for coffee and to watch Colin Fry the medium on TV
Last summer and the fun we had
Just too many memories.
Then Xmas Eve. A pain in her calf. Three hours later, trouble breathing, then gone.
Maybe I'm not such a cold hearted cow after all who couldn't even cry for the loss of her sister. At least there's that
But when other people were upset I thought I didn't really have a right to be.
Her kids lost there mother, my mother lost her child, her husband lost his wife.
I had only lost my sister.
Oh no, I'm off again!
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We all react differently to death. I lost my younger sister when she was 56 2 years ago. Unexpected but it ended up being accidental OD due to prescription drugs. I have not cried once. My mother died 6 weeks ago due to colon cancer (went fast). I have not cried over her death. I have lived alone all my life and don't have a spouse or kids. I have just numbed myself to everything. It's my brains way of coping.
Just let things happen when they do naturally. Don't expect things happen on a timeline. We all grieve (or not) in different ways.
Just let things happen when they do naturally. Don't expect things happen on a timeline. We all grieve (or not) in different ways.
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I'm just realising how horrible it was to be numb. It's not even living. It's not even being human.
And I drank because I liked feeling numb?? I drank to numb every emotion that I felt?
I drank to "enhance" any happiness I felt, even though that also ended being numbed by the drink?
I drank because "stress" was getting to me? Every living being feels stress, it's part of being and staying aliveI could give a million excuses why I drank. But I drank in reality because I was addicted to a drug
What was I thinking?
And I drank because I liked feeling numb?? I drank to numb every emotion that I felt?
I drank to "enhance" any happiness I felt, even though that also ended being numbed by the drink?
I drank because "stress" was getting to me? Every living being feels stress, it's part of being and staying aliveI could give a million excuses why I drank. But I drank in reality because I was addicted to a drug
What was I thinking?
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I'm sorry KMT I didn't see your post.
I'm so sorry for your loses , I agree, things won't surface until the time is right. But I don't think anything would have surfaced at all had I kept on drinking. Wouldn't have had the chance.
I do think NATURAL numbness is a protection against becoming overwhelmed by grief.
But drink seemed to do a different thing. Just deaden all feelings.
Or do you think maybe you are suffering a little depression? That can cause feeling to numb?
Hope you are taking care of yourself ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loses , I agree, things won't surface until the time is right. But I don't think anything would have surfaced at all had I kept on drinking. Wouldn't have had the chance.
I do think NATURAL numbness is a protection against becoming overwhelmed by grief.
But drink seemed to do a different thing. Just deaden all feelings.
Or do you think maybe you are suffering a little depression? That can cause feeling to numb?
Hope you are taking care of yourself ❤️
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I didn't even know that was denial until recently! Thought they were genuine reasons why I drank 😂 Even though the "reasons" were many and contradictory!
It's played down so much in society what an addictive substance alcohol is. Even though it has been proven by science to be.
It's played down so much in society what an addictive substance alcohol is. Even though it has been proven by science to be.
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You know, I seem to have been separate from my feelings. I think it was a self-protection thing - as if some part of me thought that feelings would actually do me in. So I would experience something joyous or horrid and wouldn't 'feel' anything. I'd just sort of stand off to the side of myself, looking at the situation dispassionately. Some time later, I would be able to tell you how I 'felt' about that thing - only not really. I would explain it to you and assume you would understand how I felt. But really, most of the time I was feeling nothing. Which is a lie, of course. I was feeling every bit of everything, but I wasn't able to recognize any of it. Not the feelings, you see? Only the explanations.
Then something would happen, and I would have to drink. I wouldn't even know what the 'something' was. Because when the unbearable need to drink came over me, I didn't know what I was feeling - just that I needed to drink. You know? I've learned that this can still (and does still) happen. But I can (and do) live through it without a drink and without having to figure it all out right away.
You had plenty of reasons to drink - addiction was just one.
Then something would happen, and I would have to drink. I wouldn't even know what the 'something' was. Because when the unbearable need to drink came over me, I didn't know what I was feeling - just that I needed to drink. You know? I've learned that this can still (and does still) happen. But I can (and do) live through it without a drink and without having to figure it all out right away.
You had plenty of reasons to drink - addiction was just one.
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That's interesting Obladi. I used to separate from my feelings when I was younger, be an out of body observer. But I learned through therapy that was through past trauma. It was a defence mechanism that went too far.
I must disagree, there is never a "reason" to drink.
There might be a reason to feel stressed or unhappy or happy for that matter, but the majority of people feel these things and don't turn to a drink. My addiction to drink made me turn to a drink. Once I was addicted, psychological addiction, it was the knee jerk reaction my brain came up with to solve any discomfort or celebrate any joy.
People, non addicts, use copying mechanisms too, but they are not drink and drugs.
My DIL for example, when she had a stressful day has to go out for a run after work.
My daughter always disappeared for a hot bath when something was getting to her.
I drank, when I stressed or was unhappy the craving to drink would come over me, I was addicted, psychologically ,to just checking out and getting high on alcohol. The powerful neuro pathways I had created in my brain through repeatedly doing this, made me think of drink as the solution to any problems.
Then the physical damage I had done to my dopamine levels made me feel less able to feel good by doing anything but boosting them (temporarily) through drink.
Then checking out and doing stupid things brought it's own troubles
So really there was every reason not drink! Apart from I craved the feeling of checking out. And eventually my body physically craved it.
I don't know if that came out all garbled, but I know what I mean even if no one else does lol
I must disagree, there is never a "reason" to drink.
There might be a reason to feel stressed or unhappy or happy for that matter, but the majority of people feel these things and don't turn to a drink. My addiction to drink made me turn to a drink. Once I was addicted, psychological addiction, it was the knee jerk reaction my brain came up with to solve any discomfort or celebrate any joy.
People, non addicts, use copying mechanisms too, but they are not drink and drugs.
My DIL for example, when she had a stressful day has to go out for a run after work.
My daughter always disappeared for a hot bath when something was getting to her.
I drank, when I stressed or was unhappy the craving to drink would come over me, I was addicted, psychologically ,to just checking out and getting high on alcohol. The powerful neuro pathways I had created in my brain through repeatedly doing this, made me think of drink as the solution to any problems.
Then the physical damage I had done to my dopamine levels made me feel less able to feel good by doing anything but boosting them (temporarily) through drink.
Then checking out and doing stupid things brought it's own troubles
So really there was every reason not drink! Apart from I craved the feeling of checking out. And eventually my body physically craved it.
I don't know if that came out all garbled, but I know what I mean even if no one else does lol
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But Obladi I do know what you mean when you just get the urge to drink out of the blue, for no apparent. I put that down to some chemical imbalance going on in the brain that is trying to right itself with a burst of dopamine that drink gives.
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Originally Posted by SouthernSober 
"I don't know if that came out all garbled, but I know what I mean even if no one else does lol"
...
"If you feel like a black sheep, welcome to the rest of the flock."
...
"If you feel like a black sheep, welcome to the rest of the flock."
You having troubles posting southernsober? It was doing that to me when I was trying to edit!
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Yes...icon kept spinning with "please wait" and after several minutes I refreshed the page but text box was blank. I tried to re-post, then clicked out. Just saw the double post. But first tech problem I've had here, other than emojis coming out wonky.
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Similar was happening to me when I was trying to edit SS.
It took me a couple of minutes to catch on when I saw your post. I thought why has southernsober quoted me then called me a black sheep? Then I realised that was your signature 😂
Hope you are well 🙂
It took me a couple of minutes to catch on when I saw your post. I thought why has southernsober quoted me then called me a black sheep? Then I realised that was your signature 😂
Hope you are well 🙂
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This morning I got up at 5am. By half 5 I was on this weird high. Full of energy, happy not a nice happy, a manic happy.
2 hours later it's gone, thank goodness. I'd hate to have an image of my brain right now. I imagine it spluttering out mood changing neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine like an old faulty car exhaust with me just holding on for the ride lol
2 hours later it's gone, thank goodness. I'd hate to have an image of my brain right now. I imagine it spluttering out mood changing neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine like an old faulty car exhaust with me just holding on for the ride lol
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So seeing my daughter tomorrow, haven't seen her since I sent those horrible texts drunk about announcing she was 4 months pregnant at her wedding.
She gave me and grooms parents a box to open with baby stuff in and a letter "from the baby" When we were on the top table in front of 80 guests at sit down reception lunch.
I was happy at the time, but then when I thought about it alone, thought, well that wasn't nice, she could have told me alone, just me and her, all the time we had spent together in the preceding weeks.
Then I got drunk and went completely over the top being nasty about it by text.
Obviously I shouldn't have done this, I hurt her and it was just a couple of days after the wedding.
BUT, even sober, I am not happy about being told in this way. Although I wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't been totally drunk on the phone.
For one, she lives quite far away, I didn't have a chance to talk to her alone as everyone was jumping on her, hugging congratulations and the rest of the time, she obviously had to mingle with her guests.
I haven't seen her in person since because of her honeymoon and work.
She lives near her husbands family. So it's ok for his mother, because she can pop round when she likes.
I don't know if my daughter is even showing at 5 months pregnant!
Now..she knows the sex of the baby, but won't tell me. She is doing a "reveal" with 17 people there.
She and I have been very close throughout the years. But over all of this, I feel, I dunno, rejected? That we can't just have a moment together, alone you know, just mother and daughter about the baby news?
I feel like just part of the crowd. We'll travel to her town. She'll do the reveal, everyone will cheer and jump on her. Us lot will only be there a couple of hours and have to travel back. So I still won't get a moment with her.
I feel like spitting my dummy out and telling her tomorrow I can't make the reveal, which is some time month.
I know I won't, but I feel like it.
I feel like, if you can't tell me alone, just you and me I'm not traveling all that way just to find out what it is and fight through a crowd of people to speak to you or hug you.
So there
She gave me and grooms parents a box to open with baby stuff in and a letter "from the baby" When we were on the top table in front of 80 guests at sit down reception lunch.
I was happy at the time, but then when I thought about it alone, thought, well that wasn't nice, she could have told me alone, just me and her, all the time we had spent together in the preceding weeks.
Then I got drunk and went completely over the top being nasty about it by text.
Obviously I shouldn't have done this, I hurt her and it was just a couple of days after the wedding.
BUT, even sober, I am not happy about being told in this way. Although I wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't been totally drunk on the phone.
For one, she lives quite far away, I didn't have a chance to talk to her alone as everyone was jumping on her, hugging congratulations and the rest of the time, she obviously had to mingle with her guests.
I haven't seen her in person since because of her honeymoon and work.
She lives near her husbands family. So it's ok for his mother, because she can pop round when she likes.
I don't know if my daughter is even showing at 5 months pregnant!
Now..she knows the sex of the baby, but won't tell me. She is doing a "reveal" with 17 people there.
She and I have been very close throughout the years. But over all of this, I feel, I dunno, rejected? That we can't just have a moment together, alone you know, just mother and daughter about the baby news?
I feel like just part of the crowd. We'll travel to her town. She'll do the reveal, everyone will cheer and jump on her. Us lot will only be there a couple of hours and have to travel back. So I still won't get a moment with her.
I feel like spitting my dummy out and telling her tomorrow I can't make the reveal, which is some time month.
I know I won't, but I feel like it.
I feel like, if you can't tell me alone, just you and me I'm not traveling all that way just to find out what it is and fight through a crowd of people to speak to you or hug you.
So there
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Right, get a grip!
It's strange how my AV is going crazy over these thoughts. Which leads me to believe, they are partly (or largely) to do with it (my beast) desiring a drink and looking for an excuse why I should have one (or 20)
IT can **** off!!!
I might want to do things differently, but it's not my pregnancy, not my news, it's her life.
While I do feel hurt by the way she is doing things, I have to respect her wishes.
I'm on very thin ice with her to start with.
Saying anything or drinking and turning up tomorrow drunk or hungover could just be the tipping point. Then I won't even be invited to the reveal!! This ******, the AV just serves its beast master and will destroy my life doing that..if I let it, but I won't
It's strange how my AV is going crazy over these thoughts. Which leads me to believe, they are partly (or largely) to do with it (my beast) desiring a drink and looking for an excuse why I should have one (or 20)
IT can **** off!!!
I might want to do things differently, but it's not my pregnancy, not my news, it's her life.
While I do feel hurt by the way she is doing things, I have to respect her wishes.
I'm on very thin ice with her to start with.
Saying anything or drinking and turning up tomorrow drunk or hungover could just be the tipping point. Then I won't even be invited to the reveal!! This ******, the AV just serves its beast master and will destroy my life doing that..if I let it, but I won't
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When I read this first thing this morning, I thought, "How clever to have a thread that's entirely devoted to the emotional storms!" I never thought of that, but I think it's neat that it's working out for you. It's good to just vent all of that stuff out, isn't it?
Your AV is entirely and solely devoted to speaking for your beast. So not strange at all - entirely predictable that it would latch onto your emotion to suggest a drink. Not helpful, but predictable. It can be really hard to distinguish emotion from AV, because they meld so well. That's just how crafty that beast can be. Not all emotion is beast, but every response to emotion that includes any mention of drinking is beast. But you know all of this.
You know, I have a daughter who doesn't speak with me. I'm not sure I'd literally give my left arm to be invited to one of her events, but I would probably chop off a pinkie. Maybe two fingers if she'd simply start texting with me again. She will one day, but I have absolutely no idea how long the wait will be. And that's on me because I'm the mom, but I hurt her with my drunkenness. It's hard and sad, but the least I can do for now is to respect her boundaries - erected to keep herself safe from the pain I bring up for her. I'm not saying "feel sorry for me because I have it so much worse than you do," but I am saying "count your blessings where you find them."
For now, maybe consider turning this whole thing upside down. Your daughter continues to do nice things for you (like going on an outing, for instance!) despite the fact that you have spilled your drunken emotions all over her. She is hanging in there with you because she loves you and wants to be decent to her mum. But there's a limit, right? It's quite possible that she is establishing boundaries because she needs them. Rather than feeling left out and not special enough, perhaps you could consider feeling special because she's continuing to allow you to be part of the crowd (in any way) despite past disappointments. And also, too - feel at least little bit proud that you raised this lovely woman.
All that being said, I respect your right (and need) to have a temper tantrum as often as you need for now. Just do it here, among friends who understand.
Your AV is entirely and solely devoted to speaking for your beast. So not strange at all - entirely predictable that it would latch onto your emotion to suggest a drink. Not helpful, but predictable. It can be really hard to distinguish emotion from AV, because they meld so well. That's just how crafty that beast can be. Not all emotion is beast, but every response to emotion that includes any mention of drinking is beast. But you know all of this.
You know, I have a daughter who doesn't speak with me. I'm not sure I'd literally give my left arm to be invited to one of her events, but I would probably chop off a pinkie. Maybe two fingers if she'd simply start texting with me again. She will one day, but I have absolutely no idea how long the wait will be. And that's on me because I'm the mom, but I hurt her with my drunkenness. It's hard and sad, but the least I can do for now is to respect her boundaries - erected to keep herself safe from the pain I bring up for her. I'm not saying "feel sorry for me because I have it so much worse than you do," but I am saying "count your blessings where you find them."
For now, maybe consider turning this whole thing upside down. Your daughter continues to do nice things for you (like going on an outing, for instance!) despite the fact that you have spilled your drunken emotions all over her. She is hanging in there with you because she loves you and wants to be decent to her mum. But there's a limit, right? It's quite possible that she is establishing boundaries because she needs them. Rather than feeling left out and not special enough, perhaps you could consider feeling special because she's continuing to allow you to be part of the crowd (in any way) despite past disappointments. And also, too - feel at least little bit proud that you raised this lovely woman.
All that being said, I respect your right (and need) to have a temper tantrum as often as you need for now. Just do it here, among friends who understand.
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