Jillian2563

I am afraid I might be getting too comfortable. In order for you to understand what I mean, I need to explain a little.

Today after the meeting, my sponsor needed help getting some clothes from her sons house to donate to a residential treatment center for homeless addicts. There are people that come to these meetings from this treatment center and my sponsor had asked one of the men and the person who drove him today, also to help. Prior to this, I had made plans to eat lunch with my sponsor and another member, so she asked if I'd also like to help. I've actually been wanting to do more such as service work and just engage more so I said of course.

Here's the "getting to comfortable" part (or maybe uncomfortable?) - I feel attracted to the man that she asked to volunteer today. I had not officially met him until today but I've seen him around. He chaired the meeting on Monday and I just noticed that I have these "feelings" if you will. I don't even know how to describe these feelings. Is it infatuation? Is it maybe I just have respect for him for getting a handle on his life and he happens to be attractive? Is it because I feel dissatisfied in my own marriage? Honestly, it probably has more so to do with my marriage than I realize. I've been with my husband for 15 years and most of those years have been pretty rough, with him battling his own addiction. He's been clean from his DOC for a few years now but still drinks and we don't get along that well these days. And prior to that, I was with my first son's father from age 15-21. There was only a 3 month gap between my separation with him to my now husband.

When he asked me my name, I made sure to give a firm handshake and make eye contact. And I feel like these actions on my part were intential so that he recognizes me. I will not act on or "do" anything about these feelings. I don't even know if they are real! I just have so many emotions and thoughts running through my brain every day.

I am also feeling guilty for getting more involved in the fellowship and having a life outside of my marriage or family, if that makes sense. Maybe this has to do with the fact that I've never really my own person, seeing as I've always been in a relationship since I was a teen. I don't want to feel guilty, and want to be a part of this fellowship. But a part of me feels like I am doing something wrong.

I don't even know what I am trying to say. I feel like I am all over the place. Sorry if I am not making much sense these days, I still haven't shared in a meeting because I feel like I cannot put my words together properly or use the right words.

UNITE4STRENGTH

I say this is your time: grow, explore, be free 🙂

KAD65

I can say from experience that getting involved "that way" with someone in my home group, or any other of the meetings I've frequented, did not go well. Not one single time. Adding to that the fact that you're married is pretty much guaranteed to cause a whole lot of damage. In your position - and I have been there - I pretty much had to make myself focus only on recovery, and when I interact with women I might find attractive, to remember they are there for the same reason and don't need someone like me to distract them from their own recovery. Given that you don't really know this person, I would say it can't be anything other than surface attraction, or an infatuation. Getting involved has the potential to derail your sobriety, and possibly his, as well. I've seen it happen too many times.

I would also add that the guilt you are feeling for being away and going to meetings for your own survival would likely abate if you have no other reasons to really feel guilty, like getting involved with another man. Keep your focus on what brought you to AA, and why you feel you need it. Just my 2 cents.

Dee74

Its reasonably common for someone in early recovery to sometimes be 'addicted to love' (apologies Robert Palmer).
We want to feel good, we want others to notice us, we want something that's exciting and new, and not a chore to do everyday like recovery can be.

I'd check yourself cos there's a lot of red flags here from where I'm standing, Jillian.

Jillian2563

I think this is part of my emotions. I don’t think it really has to do with the individual, but just having a feeling like something is missing.

Dee74

I'd agree with that, Jillian.

D

Jillian2563

I also think a major factor of my continued drinking was due to me being miserable in my relationship.

KAD65

I can identify with that, too. I was married for 14 years. Divorced now, but I know chronic unhappiness in my married life was a catalyst for drinking, as well as being worsened by my drinking. It creates a hunger inside that is, as you have stated, purely emotional. You must be very careful to what (or whom) you reach out in an attempt to fill it. I jumped straight into another relationship only 2 months after separating from my ex-wife. That relationship ended, as well, mostly because of my drinking. No matter what else is going on in your life, drinking will only exacerbate it. Sound, rational decisions can't be made until/unless that problem is dealt with. It does sound like you're in a good place to be working on it.

advbike

I found myself at risk when starting relationships in early recovery also, due to the emotional swings.. which is why I often drank to begin with. Really need to be careful with that one. It's also really important to resolve one relationship before starting another, or the guilt will sabotage the new one.

Jillian2563

I do not intend to start any new relationships except for friendships with fellow members, and now I’m thinking it needs to strictly be other women for the time being. I have no idea where my marriage will go. I’m praying for harmony, joy and reconnection. And when I say praying, I really mean it. I prayed for my marriage before I even started this thread. Time will tell. And I’m still really early in my recovery. The more I work on myself though I feel like the more resentful my husband gets. That’s where I think the guilt sets in.

Mizz

Being married does not mean that you are not attracted to other people. So, it is what it is. It does not have to be anything more than that. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. Attraction is bound to happen at some point in time towards another human being. Our intentions are what will make or break the situation.

From what you have shared, your life has been solely based on the family business, being a mother, taking care of the home. It is okay to have time away from the home and to have activities that do not involve members of your family. It is okay for you to be an individual and to just be Jillian. Not Jillian the mother, business owner, caretaker, manager of the house, etc. Jillian who is finding her path in sobriety and meeting people who are doing the same. Jillian who offers her time to help others (not family members) Who is Jillian without all of the other labels? I am excited for you. You are doing so well. Keep on doing that!

Jillian2563

Thank you Mizz!!

anxiousrock

Thinking your emotions are in overdrive, BUT, maybe talk to him about it?
not sure if you're already in a relationship or married but I'm at the point in my life where if you really think you like someone, you have to go for it and not let the opportunity pass. Life's too short.
I know others will disagree with me.

Jillian2563

That is not an option. I am married and trying to work my marriage out. Just writing out my thoughts and feelings so I can figure out what’s going on. But thank you!

Eddiebuckle

I see this as two separate issues: your marriage and your sobriety. Your marriage issues may ultimately bring you to the point of deciding that dating other people (hopefully after at least formally separating,) is right for you. If you make that decision I would strongly suggest you not do so with someone in your homegroup or in your circle of recovery friends. Alcoholism is fatal, and there are many fish in the sea. I've seen too many people lose their sobriety (often both parties) when they start dating someone in the rooms, particularly in early sobriety.

Since you intend to work on your marriage this doesn't appear to apply to you, but by the collective wisdom of the rooms over a whole lot of years it is generally a bad idea to start a new relationship in early sobriety. I personally would define early as at a minimum one year of continuous sobriety.

Congratulations on getting involved and being IN AA as opposed to AT AA. Keep up the good work!