Day 2 -I got this.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Day 2 -I got this.
I need to do things differently. All that angst and misery and guilt in my last thread did nothing except lead me back to drink.
My daughter doesn't know I drank because she hasn't been in touch that much.
But do I really want to be that person I am in drink? Or even that person not in drink, who sneaks off to get the first drink?
Then the one also not in drink who lies about having drunk?
If I detest myself so much drunk, I need to make sure I don't drink, so I can't then morph into her.
I need to give my head a wobble and sort my marbles out.
Anyway, day 2. Still feeling physically fragile even though I went to my job this morning (although I kept having to sit down for a rest every 20 minutes).
My daughter doesn't know I drank because she hasn't been in touch that much.
But do I really want to be that person I am in drink? Or even that person not in drink, who sneaks off to get the first drink?
Then the one also not in drink who lies about having drunk?
If I detest myself so much drunk, I need to make sure I don't drink, so I can't then morph into her.
I need to give my head a wobble and sort my marbles out.
Anyway, day 2. Still feeling physically fragile even though I went to my job this morning (although I kept having to sit down for a rest every 20 minutes).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by Jupiter11 
I need to do things differently. All that angst and misery and guilt in my last thread did nothing except lead me back to drink.
My daughter doesn't know I drank because she hasn't been in touch that much.
But do I really want to be that person I am in drink? Or even that person not in drink, who sneaks off to get the first drink?
Then the one also not in drink who lies about having drunk?
If I detest myself so much drunk, I need to make sure I don't drink, so I can't then morph into her.
I need to give my head a wobble and sort my marbles out.
Anyway, day 2. Still feeling physically fragile even though I went to my job this morning (although I kept having to sit down for a rest every 20 minutes).
My daughter doesn't know I drank because she hasn't been in touch that much.
But do I really want to be that person I am in drink? Or even that person not in drink, who sneaks off to get the first drink?
Then the one also not in drink who lies about having drunk?
If I detest myself so much drunk, I need to make sure I don't drink, so I can't then morph into her.
I need to give my head a wobble and sort my marbles out.
Anyway, day 2. Still feeling physically fragile even though I went to my job this morning (although I kept having to sit down for a rest every 20 minutes).
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
Hi Jupiter11, congratulations on Day 2. It's a good sign that you are analysing what came immediately prior to having a drink. It was working out how not to keep repeating the same behaviors that got me to long term sobriety, I wish I had done it sooner.
Good luck!
Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Thanks for the encouragement guys.
All set for another sleepless night. Hate the first 5 days of withdrawal, can never sleep.
But at least the shakes and anxiety have gone. If not the horrible sweats.
Maybe just as well I can't sleep, have had an invasion of fruit flies, who knows how many I would swallow in my sleep!
Opened all the windows, hope the cold will kill them off. Or they will fly out of the windows.
This is what happens when you forget to water your prize plant and it rots in it's pot
All set for another sleepless night. Hate the first 5 days of withdrawal, can never sleep.
But at least the shakes and anxiety have gone. If not the horrible sweats.
Maybe just as well I can't sleep, have had an invasion of fruit flies, who knows how many I would swallow in my sleep!
Opened all the windows, hope the cold will kill them off. Or they will fly out of the windows.
This is what happens when you forget to water your prize plant and it rots in it's pot
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Yeah, I got this. At least I think I have. No I have. I think. Be positive. OK
Starting day 3.
Watched a documentary on YouTube last night when I couldn't sleep. Was about a therapist who developed alcoholism and the abysmal treatment choices.
What was interesting was, this was science based look into addiction. Obviously I'd heard before it was because the reward system of the brain was being hijacked to crave dopamine, the feel good chemical
What I didn't know, was usually addicts have less of these dopamine neurotransmitters than non addicts even before they become addicts.
This causes us to self medicate once we find that drink/drugs increases it and the brain craves it. Not because we are on a constant quest for pleasure. But because the levels are not where they should be to start with.
And of course constant stimulation of the neurotransmitters we do have through drink/drugs depletes them even further. So our brains crave more of the substance.
This knowledge won't get or keep me sober.
But it makes me feel a little less guilty to think my system was trying to right itself rather than just pleasure seek at everyone else's expense.
Even though this is a horribly wrong way to try to fix things
Starting day 3.
Watched a documentary on YouTube last night when I couldn't sleep. Was about a therapist who developed alcoholism and the abysmal treatment choices.
What was interesting was, this was science based look into addiction. Obviously I'd heard before it was because the reward system of the brain was being hijacked to crave dopamine, the feel good chemical
What I didn't know, was usually addicts have less of these dopamine neurotransmitters than non addicts even before they become addicts.
This causes us to self medicate once we find that drink/drugs increases it and the brain craves it. Not because we are on a constant quest for pleasure. But because the levels are not where they should be to start with.
And of course constant stimulation of the neurotransmitters we do have through drink/drugs depletes them even further. So our brains crave more of the substance.
This knowledge won't get or keep me sober.
But it makes me feel a little less guilty to think my system was trying to right itself rather than just pleasure seek at everyone else's expense.
Even though this is a horribly wrong way to try to fix things
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by Jupiter11
Yeah, I got this. At least I think I have. No I have. I think. Be positive. OK
Starting day 3.
Watched a documentary on YouTube last night when I couldn't sleep. Was about a therapist who developed alcoholism and the abysmal treatment choices.
What was interesting was, this was science based look into addiction. Obviously I'd heard before it was because the reward system of the brain was being hijacked to crave dopamine, the feel good chemical
What I didn't know, was usually addicts have less of these dopamine neurotransmitters than non addicts even before they become addicts.
This causes us to self medicate once we find that drink/drugs increases it and the brain craves it. Not because we are on a constant quest for pleasure. But because the levels are not where they should be to start with.
And of course constant stimulation of the neurotransmitters we do have through drink/drugs depletes them even further. So our brains crave more of the substance.
This knowledge won't get or keep me sober.
But it makes me feel a little less guilty to think my system was trying to right itself rather than just pleasure seek at everyone else's expense.
Even though this is a horribly wrong way to try to fix things
Starting day 3.
Watched a documentary on YouTube last night when I couldn't sleep. Was about a therapist who developed alcoholism and the abysmal treatment choices.
What was interesting was, this was science based look into addiction. Obviously I'd heard before it was because the reward system of the brain was being hijacked to crave dopamine, the feel good chemical
What I didn't know, was usually addicts have less of these dopamine neurotransmitters than non addicts even before they become addicts.
This causes us to self medicate once we find that drink/drugs increases it and the brain craves it. Not because we are on a constant quest for pleasure. But because the levels are not where they should be to start with.
And of course constant stimulation of the neurotransmitters we do have through drink/drugs depletes them even further. So our brains crave more of the substance.
This knowledge won't get or keep me sober.
But it makes me feel a little less guilty to think my system was trying to right itself rather than just pleasure seek at everyone else's expense.
Even though this is a horribly wrong way to try to fix things
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Yeah they mentioned the gaba receptors and that gaba something drug that is meant to reduce anxiety by replenishing it after you stop drinking. I'm not sure if that's the same stuff my mother takes for her arthritis?? Gabapentene (my memory is as bad as my spelling)
Thanks for the encouragement 🐦
Thanks for the encouragement 🐦
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
It is in the moment between a reaction and a drink that recovery happens.[/QUOTE]
I found this quote back from a post in 2015.
This strikes so true for me.
Recovery happening, is not doing exercises, soul searching, nutrition, meditation, hobbies, routines,etc etc, although they can be useful tools to stay stopped (I am taking peoples word for that)
But you can do all of that and still impulsively run off for a drink in reaction to an emotion/event that strongly affects you.
Yes, it's putting a block between react and drink where the real recovery starts.
That's probably glaring obvious to everyone else.
But in the past (over 2 years ago now) When I stopped drinking, for a few weeks, I threw myself into "getting well"
But never mastered the art of giving myself time to find another solution (even just a walk) between a reaction and a drink
I found this quote back from a post in 2015.
This strikes so true for me.
Recovery happening, is not doing exercises, soul searching, nutrition, meditation, hobbies, routines,etc etc, although they can be useful tools to stay stopped (I am taking peoples word for that)
But you can do all of that and still impulsively run off for a drink in reaction to an emotion/event that strongly affects you.
Yes, it's putting a block between react and drink where the real recovery starts.
That's probably glaring obvious to everyone else.
But in the past (over 2 years ago now) When I stopped drinking, for a few weeks, I threw myself into "getting well"
But never mastered the art of giving myself time to find another solution (even just a walk) between a reaction and a drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Hello Anna, yes I am planning on a long walk tomorrow. Just haven't had the energy.
But I do feel motivated.
Been scaring myself reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics section on here and how a great many of them have had to cut off their mothers for the sake of their sanity. I am very close to getting my daughter to that point. And it terrifies me!!
I am in bed and it's not 6pm lolI am going to read and go on laptop.
I have written down 10 things I MUST do to act as a block between reaction >>>drink. Even the way I react to boredom can lead to a drink.
But I do feel motivated.
Been scaring myself reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics section on here and how a great many of them have had to cut off their mothers for the sake of their sanity. I am very close to getting my daughter to that point. And it terrifies me!!
I am in bed and it's not 6pm lolI am going to read and go on laptop.
I have written down 10 things I MUST do to act as a block between reaction >>>drink. Even the way I react to boredom can lead to a drink.
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